hi all
My h's best friend and I met shortly before I married my h. We have known each other for about 6 years now and I am best friends with his w.

Trouble is, both couples are having marriage problems. Lately he and I have been talking and getting to know each other more and more. We are extremely similar and often finishing each other's sentences and almost reading each other's minds. I think I have been attracted to him for a long time but tried to ignore it and convince myself that it was nothing. But there's no denying it - I am completely in love with him. He's so easy to get along with and we laugh together all the time. He told me recenlty in a text message that I am truely his best friend. I can't stop thinking about him, even though I try not to.

He has made moves on me in the past, both times after quite a few drinks. The first time, I pulled away immediately. he apologised and told his w and my h all about it and we all just made a joke about it and moved on. the second time was just recently. He had had an argument with his w and I walked up to him to tell him to come back outside to where the rest of us were. he kissed me and told me he loved me. i pulled away again but didn't say anything. The next day when I spoke to him about it he said he couldn't remember it. He apologised profusely, said he must have drunk too much and that he loves me but not in "that" way. I made it clear to him that I didn't appreciate me using me because he was angry at his wife. I told my h about the incident also but he is his best friend and we are continuing to see them.

I don't think he has told his w and I haven't either. I don't want to tell her in case it jeopordises their marriage but I hate being dishonest with her.

I don't want anything to happen between us. I love my husband and I love his wife as one of my closest friends. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt either of them and they have three kids. But I can't deny my feelings for him.

I can't cease contact with him without raising eyebrows from my husband and my friend either. He has come to mean so much to me, but I want my husband to mean more. I think I have become close to him, because my h and I have found it so hard to be close to each other lately. Should I tell my h how I feel about his friend and ask that we stop seeing them so much or will that destroy him? Please help, I feel so lost.

Kissing her husband is not "intentionally" hurting her? You must be kidding me. Surely you know that kissing a married man not only hurts his wife, but your H. Kissing someone else's husband most certainly IS intentional and is not the act of a "friend," but an enemy.

You are playing Russian Roulette with your marriage and your self respect and are headed right smack into a sleazy, sordid affair that will destroy both your marriages. Unless you want to destroy your marriage, I would suggest that you tell your H the whole truth and stop seeing this couple immediately.

Who cares if "eyebrows are raised?" Your marriage is much more important than what other people think. You will be raising more than a few "eyebrows" when you lose your marriage, self respect, and reputation over a sleazy affair.

You should NEVER see these people again, this emotional affair is dangerous to your marriage.

Hi there and welcome to Marriage Builders.

I am a Former Wayward Wife (FWW) and I know where you are at. You are in an affair right now, emotional and with the kiss it has become physical too.

the longer you stay in it - the worse things will be for everyone. As much as you say youwouldn't intentionally hurt the families, please know that by getting to where you have, while I know it wasn't intentional - you have already hurt everyone dearly.

But it doesn't mean the marriages are over. The friendships are though. You have lost two friends now - this man and his wife.

First thing you need to do is to tell your husband. These things never stay secret forever, and even if you ended it, one day it would come out - and it would be worse later if you kept it a secret for months, years...your husband needs to hear it from you.

Second, you will have to say goodbye to this man. There can never be contact from this man again. Your H will also loose his best friend. He will be fine with NC, he wont want to keep this friend. If you continue a friendship with this man, you will never get over your feelings, and you will try to control it, but understand these things become uncontrolable the further in you get.

After you have done these things it will be hard road. read the link in my signature to know what to expect as you become a recovering wayward wife. You will have to do some deep down soul searching to figure out how you got into this. What allowed you to break your morals. You and your H will need to get into MC to learn how to get through this.

I know that right now telling your husband and loosing these people as friends is the last solution you are looking for, but from someone who has been where you have been - if you don't do it this way - you are going to be in an even bigger mess very quickly.

Good luck.

HI and thanks for your responses - perhaps I should add the following information.
I have told my H that I have been unhappy with our relationship. I enjoy having sex with my h but he has put on weight and is more lethargic than ever before and no longer interested in this. I have also told him that I want us to talk more together. Even went so far as to say that I enjoy conversation with our friends so much because I miss conversation with him.
The only thing this has done is turn him toward depression. I have made it clear that I want to help him to lose weight and spend more time doing things we used to do together, but always, things improve for a week or two and then go back to the way they were before.
I have tried talking to him, we've been to some counselling before but then he stops going.
I feel that if I tell him now, he may fall further into depression. He has told me beofre that he knows I am unhappy with him and if he can't win he won't try. I have re-assured him that I want things to get better and I want us to be happy together and that that's why I am with him. I want to have a family with him etc. etc. but as I said nothing seems to change and I don't know how to make it any clearer to him. Should I just forget about my needs and try and be happy with the person he has become?

What are YOU actively DOING to secure YOUR marriage from an affair?

scream.

Look....I am in your position but I am the wife. I was in depression, I was unaware of the damage I was doing to my self, my marriage my husband.

I can't not be blamed here, BUT, it was no excuse for my husband to go out and form a new friendship with a 17 yo girl. We have 5 kids together.

I have been on AD now since right before memorial day. I have made huge improvements in myself and will continue to do so. My H has not yet moved toward forgiveness but I hope he is coming around. We have not yet "turned" together toward reconciliation.

Listen lady, you have the chance to make things right with your H and stave off some impending disaster. Perhaps he's depressed, would you cheat on a sick man somebody who can't help himself? Its a hard row to hoe. Maybe look into depression and urge him to talk to a doctor. This temptation with this man is like a huge stop sign that is put there to STOP YOU FROM FALLING OFF A CLIFF.

Just remember, if you go physical with the om or divorce your husband, its something that you can never get back. You will always be one who cheated and you will always be a divorced woman. Its not to late to set things right.

Stop contact immediately.. Maybe you don't have to go to your H right away but do it sooon, as long as you stop contact immediately with the other man.

i sufferred from depression.i put on weight and was lathargic...i was too tired to do much of anything other than work

my husband found a "new best friend" and now he has left to live near her...she is married with two children

so...i lost a few years of my life to depression, i lost my belief that i was worth anything when my husband cheated o me, i lost my dreams of "happily ever after", i lost the love of my life, i may lose my home and my dogs, and if i lose my home i will have to quitmy job of 15 years to move near or with my family, i've lost my will to live.....i've lost everything that matters to me

my husband lost his self respect, he lost his values, he lost the respect of his family and mine as well as many of his friends and co-workers, he lost a beautiful home with an inground pool, he lost his dogs so far, he lost his "innocence", he lost someone who choose HIM over anyone else, he lost someone who honored ALL of her wedding vows, he lost a life he worked hard to build, he also lost theability to love himself...he sayshe feelssuch guilt ans shame that when he looks in a mirror he wants to puke.

what has he gained? nothing except a few stolen moments with someone else's wife-when she can get away from her husband and children, oh..did i mention that this woman IS WILLING to hurt a person who loves her, who broke her promised to be faithful and all of her other wedding vows, who is foolish enough to believe that she can have unprotected sex with someone who is willing to cheat also and then have sexwith her husband not caring about the possible harm she could do to him, who is willing to put her happiness above her children's

was it worth it to him...if he thinks so now...how long until he realizes the mistakes he has made?

actually...right after he left he said "i've thrown it all away and i don'tknow how to fix it. I don't know how to make this right. It's too late now."

please don't make this mistake...you siad you love your husband

remember "in sickness and in health"...depression is an illness..he can't just "snap out of it"...or accept your offer to help him lose weight-it takes energy to do this...it takes energy to do the things you used to and depression drains you.

please take your husband to a doctor and get him on antidepressants.

if he does not want to go....tell him what he is risking losing by not getting help

if my husband had ever said to me "i am very unhappy. if you are not willing to get help for your depression, i am afraid that my love for you will continue to decrease and i will not want to continue to be in a marraige with you."

if he had been honest...i would have been able to make the right choice

i didn't choose to be this way...i was sick

if i had cancer would it be okay for my husband to cheat on me and leave me?

this is the same situation-this is what you need to consider?

please help your husband and yourself

think of how many lives you will destroy if you don't

Teejay, welcome to MB and I’m glad you’ve decided to post here. I’m a FWW who was involved in an inappropriate friendship. Emotionally I became very attached and attracted to the friend and in the end I “fell” in love with him. The only way I could recover, protect my M and “get over” the FOM was to have no further friendship with him and stop all deliberate contact (read my signature).

The fact that you have decided to reach out for help is a step in the right direction and shows that you’re willing to make things right and protect your M. I think you know that you’re heading for a disaster otherwise you wouldn’t post here. I give you credit for coming here and seek out help before the situation gets worse. What you need to do next is to actually GET OUT of this situation and stop ALL contact with this couple before things WILL eventually become worse. Tell your H everything and explain to him why No Contact (NC) is so important. Tell him you need to do this for the protection of both you AND your M. I’m sure he will understand.

As dorry has said, if you continue a friendship with this man, you will never get over your feelings and things will become uncontrollable the further you get in. Please read the recovery guide for Wayward Wife’s in dorry’s signature… It’s EXCELLENT and will be of much help to you.

Keep posting,
Suzet

welcome to MB...

i am fairly new here as well and I can only say that I wish I had been as intuitive as you are in seeking help before it escalates. You have an opportunity that most of us wish we had. Tell your husband EVERYTHING...be completely honest with him. Tell him you love him and need to stop seeing these friends in order to save your marriage. Do everything you can NOW...not after it has escalated and become a feeling of despair or last resort. Take the time and effort now to avoid the eventual disaster of a continued relationship. This is just my opinion but from what I have learned here with the tremendous giving and supportive people at MB, I believe you have the opportunity of a life time.

((TJ))

Welcome….. Please take the time to read the basic concepts of this site. I think you are going to find that pretty much everyone is going to tell you to dump the Other Man and work on your family and by doing this you also afford your friends a chance of working out their marriage.

“””perhaps I should add the following information.
I have told my H that I have been unhappy with our relationship.
I enjoy having sex with my h but…
I have also told him that I want us to talk more together. Even went so far as to say that I enjoy conversation with our friends so much because I miss conversation with him.”””

Well perhaps I should add the following. Look at these statements, they all appear to be justification for your actions. What are you saying? Are you saying that since you’ve told these things to your husband and he didn’t immediately change that it’s OK for you to engage in an affair? That last statement WOW…… I’d sink into a depression too.

“””I have made it clear that I want to help him to lose weight and spend more time doing things we used to do together, but always, things improve for a week or two and then go back to the way they were before.”””

I tell you what. Why don’t you print out the emotional needs questionnaires and recreational activities questionnaires from this site. Read through very carefully the Basic concepts here and begin communicating with your hubby by eliminating all Disrespectful Judgments, Love Busters, eliminate all Angry Outbursts, and Independent Behaviors. Then both of you fill out the questionnaires and explore meeting each others emotional needs. The best defense for an affair is to have a good offense and right now, it seems your offense is playing on the wrong field.


”””I have re-assured him that I want things to get better and I want us to be happy together and that that's why I am with him.”””

OK, but those are words, what have your actions shown. Quite frankly they’ve shown that you are not truthful. If you think that while your giving and getting so much from this other dude, that you are able to give and get from your hubby, your sadly mistaken. Even though he may be clueless as to the extent of the relationship, he knows in his gut that something is wrong. Heck, a large part of his depression may stem from this unknown source of watching his wife slowly fade away. RADICAL HONESTY….. Go to your husband with a plan. Tell him EVERYTHING. Break all ties with the other couple. And take the initiative to work on your marriage.

“””but as I said nothing seems to change and I don't know how to make it any clearer to him.”””

And nothing will change unless you make change happen. Make your words gold, right now they are rusty metal.

“””Should I just forget about my needs and try and be happy with the person he has become?”””

Heck no…. If you take the time to read the basic concepts you’ll see that these principles are written as a win-win situation. And again quite frankly, your husband cannot meet needs that you are choosing to have met by another man, no matter how hard he tries…..

TJ,

I sense a great deal of resentment toward your H in your posts. I also sense love for him as well. I wonder if the OM is really a surrogate for what your H can be and/or you want him to be.

So with these thoughts in mind I believe you need a few things in addition to the suggestions already made to you.

1. You must forgive your H, you must let go of the resentment toward him.

2. Get him to a doctor and address the issue of depression. Don't worry about the weight, if he is depressed and he will address this issue I suspect the weight will NOT be an issue.

Do these two thing...please. Also do some reading her about needs, love busters, and surely affairs as you are in an emotional one right now.

I would strongly urge you to read about the concept of radical honesty. Is the bedrock of this site and I think it will help you. Your H's issues with depression if in fact that is his problem are not something he can control any more than he could control cancer. What he can control is whether or not he addresses it.

Please keep reading, posting, and asking questions. You are correct in seeking insight, advice and help with these matters before several families are destroyed.

God Bless,

JL

Well so much for all of that. I think this is all a redundant issue now.

Part of my h's depression has meant that he has become more and more short tempered and quick to anger. He has been violent with household objects (punching walls and throwing things) during arguments but thankfully has never hurt me.

He was also starting to raise his voice in anger to me in front of other people whenever he thought it appropriate.

We had a long discussion abotu this and I stated quite clearly that I was not able to stay in the relationship unless he categorically promised me that he wouldn't raise his voice or swear at me in public.

He was reluctant to do this and said that he couldn't guarrantee this because he didn't know whether I would "provoke" him into it.

I made it clear that I was not responsible for him swearing. I said that I would never swear at him in public and I was merely asking for a commitment of the same from him.

He reluctantly agreed and we moved on (this was about 2 months ago)

Then on the weekend we were at our friends house (h best friend) and I asked him a question about a dress that I was thinking about buying (i had been discussing it off and on all day with him) He must have been agitated and I didn't notice. I kept on talking and he shouted at me "How do I know which dres syou want, I haven't seen either of them. Do whatever you want" OUr friends all turned and looked at me. Without knowing quite how to react I tried to make light of the situation and said in a calm voice "well, its easy to get you cranky isn't it?".

He then responded by shouting "oh so you f***ing did it on purpose did you. Well you can Get F***ked"

My friends children were there also.

This is just a no go for me. I will not tolerate being belitteld and sworn at at home, let alone in public. He embarrassed himself and me and i cannot cope with it at all especially as I had alreayd made it clear to him how I felt about this.

I left the friends house and he stormed out shouting at me down the street that it was my fault because I had provoked him by saying that I was trying to make him angry on purpose.

I explained why I said this and told him I was disgusted by him and then went home. I have changed the locks and he is staying at his mum's house. I changed the locks because last time I asked him to give me some space and go and stay somewhere else, he flat out refused. Said it was his house and if I wanted to go, then I should go and leave him at home. (I moved interstate, away from all of my friends and family to marry him so I don't have anywhere here to go other than the home we share. He knows this. All of his family and firend live here and he could go to any one of their houses if he respected my wishes enough)

He is in no way apologetic. He is just angry that I have locked him out. I have spoken to him once calmly on the phone to say that I wished him no harm but I wanted some time apart. He yelled and screamed down the phone because he doesn't have any clothes. I said for him to tell me what he wants and I will gladly put it outside for him. He swore at me again and hung up.

so that's where things are at. I really don't know if I can go back to him. There have been so many broken promises. He also promised he would try and lose weight and swore he would do some exercise at least four times a week. This hasn't happened either and he refuses to take any of my advice (eg. go see a doctor, look into weight loss pills or Anti-deps etc) as he wants to "do it all himself" The counselling doesn't seem to be working at all.

I just don't know what else to do. Maybe it is time to end it once and for all.

I'm not sure

When I was in my depression (which I didn't realize I was in) my H was also in a depression - his business was failing, he was loosing his best friend of 7 years...and I was too focused on myself to realize he was going through something as well.

My H also belittled me in front of my friends, and once in front of his own mother who tore him a strip and told him that was no way to speak to his wife. I remember many friends looking at me with the deer in the headlights look because they couldn't believe what H had just said to me.

The thing is, I hadn't started my A yet, but H could sense something wasn't right, and could tell I had stopped trying, as much as I said I still was. H didnt realize it until after my A, and after we started recovering, but subconciously he was doing a tit for tat...there was alot I wasn't giving him that I didn't know I was supposed to give him, and has was also resentful, and not doing things back because.

He was cruel, he was rude, he just spent all his time in his room playing computer games.

I justified his treatment of me, and how when I met OM, how he was a great friend to me, compassionate - never talked to me the way H talked to me. It happened REALLY fast.

My H also gave me many broken promises and things never changed.

You know what I realize now? It's because I expected him to do all the changing. I mean yah - I knew I had a few things to change, but I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I thought it was all him.

Here's what I SHOULD have done, and of course I didn't, as instead I headed into an affair....which was THE biggest mistake of my life and made things worse for a long time.

I should have downloaded an EN list. I should have gently encouraged H over and over that I needed him to fill this out.

I should have learned to communicate better. You see I thought I had told my husband how I was feeling, but I more or less didn't say it bluntly...and also brought it to him with the attitude of - YOU did this, and YOU did that...and his defensive walls were up so fast that he never heard what I was saying.

I should have learned to talk without ACCUSING him, and told him - I am feeling very scared and alone, and worried about our marriage, and not make it about what HE has done, but make it about what I am feeling and what I have done, without being accusatory in any way.

I should have realized that something was probably contributing to my H's depression. I should have become a better listener and learned to be there unconditionally, to show him I supported him even when he was down...funny, as soon as he got depressed, after a bit it got old, and I started to critisize him more, tell him what he needed to do, nag...poor guy probably just wanted me to support him and tell him it will be okay and be there for him...instead I added to the mess he was feeling at the time.

I should have stopped trying to push my point of view and advice on how he SHOULD be doing things...poor guy felt he did nothing right at that time, and now his own wife was making him feel worse.

NO wonder my H started to ignore me, snap at me, neglect me...he was in a time of need, and all I could do was tell him he needed to get out, how to get out, critisize what he was doing...

I was so focused on me and what I needed, that I sabatoged getting what I needed by not putting my husband first. My taker was out in full...and my taker took, and took and took.

I hear so much him him him him him him him in your posts - you sound SO much like I did when my A was just a friendship with OM - before it became a full blown affair. You are full of justifications for why your marriage is not working, why your husband has failed.

But what about your failures, your contributions to his depression, your contributions to this friendship that has become an EA, and partly a PA as you have even kissed your friend.

You don't think your H senses something isn't right and this has added to his depression? trust me - in most cases the betrayed spouses senses something isn't right, and usually feels insane, becomes more depressed but can't figure out why. Do you realize YOUR behavior with this OM, might be adding to your problems at home without you even knowing?

Why don't you take a minute to look at yourself, and not your H, and see what YOU have done, and see what YOU can do differently.

If you started being there in a way your H needs, he may talk to you about his broblems, if you learn to approach your husband with your feelings in a non-accusatory way, he may listen and genuinely care about those feelings. If you confess to the OM with your husband, he will know things need to change, and see your change in coming clean.

If you make changes first, he will change without even knowing he has changed. So why wait on him to change, why put it all on him. YOU need to start changing.

Well - its been a while since my last post and a lot has changed. My husband and I have moved house - moved state actually (equivalent of moving from NY to LA) over 5 hours by plane from home, to my home on the west coast of Oz. We moved for lots of reasons - we bought a business over here, we wanted a change - but if I'm to be brutally honest - we moved because I just wasn't making any room for love to grow with my husband while i still felt so strongly about his best friend - nothing happened past the posts in this thread - ie relationship with him didn't progress any further - for which I'm very grateful - and things with my husband are getting better and better - i guess because we only have each other to rely on and because the business we have bought - gives us something in common that we are both passionate about - something we've never had before.

So overall its all good - great in fact = yet I still feel this overwhelming sense of grief. I've lost my best friend - both of them - and I just feel so lost - I feel empty and literally sick to my stomach - when I think about how much I miss him and his wife and kids - they really were like a family to me - and because i had these feelings for him - that I HONESTLY did not want to happen - did not wish for and do not want - I feel like I've had to forgo a life with people that I love, to make a life with the man I know is my life partner and who is actually the best man in the world for me. But now we have to start a new and I don't want to - they really were the best friends in the world and I know that we never will find any others that come close - it really is breaking my heart. any thoughts/help/advice on this?

You have already made the move. You may as well give your new life a try.

If both of you give it the best 2 years you possibly can, it might turn out really well.

What do you think? Are you up to it?

SS

TJ,

What is your definition of a friend?

I know you say your H is "the best man in the world for me" but your post drips with resentment.

It's possible to make new and wonderful friends in every place you live if your heart and mind are open to it.

Your H's best friend was not a friend to him, and you were not a friend to his W.

What sort of contact, if any, have you had with your "best friends" since you moved?

There should be NC if you truly want to respect your H and repair your M.

I'm sorry if I appear harsh, but you really sound like an active WW to me.

How are you planning on dealing with the anger you feel towards your H for moving away from your "best friends?"

I think the stage you are in is called "withdrawal". I understand that it is a pretty painful place to be. But it is necessary if you are to save your marriage.

How did the move happen for you?

I asked my husband to move. I realised that my feelings for him weren't going to go away no matter how hard i tried to deny them or pretend that they weren't there. So I decided that the only way to try and put a stop to it was to move away and allow some space for my H and I to re-form our relationship without distractions from him. I guess I just wanted to move on - there was never anywhere for my feelings with his friend to go - I certainly didn't want to leave my H and nor would I have wanted him to leave his. I couldn't have lived wiht myself if we'd acted on our feelings for each other - I would have hated myself and hmim if it did - yet at the same time I couldn't deny the attraction and magnetism between us. That wasn't allowing space for me to live a happy life with my husband - I don't feel any guilt or remorse about leaving as such as I know its the right decision - it just hurts so much because they all meant so much to me - and I love their children like they were my own - loved watching them grow up - and the kids don't understand why we left - and how could I possibly explain it was because i was in love with their father and didn't want anything to happen?