Hey guys,
I know this site is to help save marriages but right now I am really lost I have set my boundries but I really don't think it matters. I still love my WH but I am tired of doing the right thing and I have about given up. He is so fogged out that he can't see the forest for the trees. I am sick of hurting and being hurt time and time again. I am tired of a man who will not see the light and has to much pride to admit that he is wrong and should try to make things right. I am tried of taking blame for atuff I haven't done.

I just don't think I can do it anymore. I am an emotional wreck sometimes because I feel like half my soul is missing. And it is painful for me to answer questions about what has happened. I am tried of people looking to me for answers I can't give. I don't enjoy people feeling sorry for me and i am sick of hearing What is he thinking he had what all of us guys want. I am tired of sleeping alone and no one being there to share my day with. I am sick of raising 2 kids on my own with no help.

I am tired of explaining why he is not here and he may never be. I am tired of my DD2 crying for a father that choose another women over us his family. I am tired of hearing the accusion of well you did this or you did that when I haven't done anything. I want to run as far away form mt life as I can get. My load is heavy and it has been for a very long time. At times I want to pack up and move us across the country to get away from it all some where where no one knows about every thing.And just start over. ButI can't right now but in a year I may.

I am tired of being checked up on by a man who doesn't love me or really cares about what happens to me he just wants to look good.But he doesn't. I am tired of an emotion and feeling that is not returned. He is wrapped up with his ow which nobody likes bt is afraid to tell him. I am tired od dealing with his mistakes and a child who can no longer talk to the father she once loved because she is afraid of him. I want him to disappear for our lives if he is not willing to be in it and for the most part he is.

I don't want to explain to my DD2 when she is old enough and starts aking questions about why she doesn't have a family like other kids. Or why daddy doesn't live here. I am heartsick, heartbroke and bone tired of it all. I feel like filing the divorce tommorrow and He!! with what ever comes later. I am sick of being tied to a man who doesn't want his family.

I know this is long but response would help

{{{joanna32}}}

I feel same as you do now, joanna.

I wish I could offer you sage advice, but I can't because it is the same for me.

Take care of yourself - I try to take care of my health; that's all I can do for myself at the moment.

Thinking of you.

Alph.

Joanne,

I hear your pain and know exactly how you are feeling. Then again so do most of us here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Isn't that why we are here?

Now I am gonna give you some loving MB advise but you gotta stand still ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

THWACK!!!! Did you feel the impact? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now that was an MB slap....there used t/b an MB fairie out there who used to come and give it to us when we'd step out of line. (I miss her) ;( I was one of the stubborn posters who used to get slapped because I was just sooo stubborn. Thought I needed to fix the H when all that faced me was the WS.

So once I got it through my thick head that the plans were about me, regardless of whether the WS was a ws, xws or whatever, the pain and anxiety went away. What I had to deal with was the anger.

I don't think you are quite there yet. You may be soon. In the meantime, go read 'love must be tough' by Dr James Dobson. Read up on boundaries as much as you can.

BTW U NEED BOUNDARIES. As a parent, person, wife, etc. U NEED BOUNDARIES. Otherwise you are giving an invitation t/b manipulated for the rest of your life. Not a good example to teach your little one.

As for your daughter's future questions, if you work on your boundaries, you w/b in a better position to answer all her questions as she grows older.

Remember the WS is not stable. Nice today, wicked tommorrow is a common swing. Some change by the hour or minute. You though can't afford t/d that. So work on making permaent changes.


take care,
L.

I am working very hard right to hold my boundries i am just sick of it all and want it to go away one way or the other it has been 3 months and no changes he is more distant then ever has moved in with her. And walks around like nothing is wrong. I am a mess his mom is a wreck the whole dang family is so disappointed with him but is afraid to tell him so for fear of him pulling futher away. excuses fly like bats around here. I have consulted with a lawyer and plan to do as she says. I will no longer make a effort to have him see the kids if he wants to it will be by my rules and my rules alone. and if child support is not paid i will get a court order to make him do so.

Ok Joanna but make sure you are making these decisions with the reasonable side of your mind and not with your tortured heart. That's why it is critical to get your mind and heart in sync.

Think long and hard about this, hon. Know that it is hard for his parents and siblings. They do care for him but probably feel at a loss on how to help. AS for directing them, they can come here (if you feel safe for them t/d so) or you can send them to Dr. Phil's website to see if there is any help there for families.

JMHO,
L.

okay cool I am writing him a letter to line out my boundries my be reading them will make him see that i mean it the letter is as followa let me know what you guys think.

Dear WH

This is the final letter that I will write to you and it is to let you know my boundries and they way things will be done from now on. I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you things have happened that will not be repeated. I have consulted with a Lawyer and am acting on her advise.
I have wanted to try and save this marriage from the beginning but you have been unwilling to come to the table so I am enacting measure that protect The children and I from your decisions. Remember theses have been your choices not mine. So now I belive it is time for you to live with them. the rule are as follows and they will be stated in the divorce proceedings as well. If you decide you wish to contest it when I file that is up to you. I will be filing as soon as I can.
Child support will remain as is. There will be no restrictions on where the children or I live.I will be seeking sole custody of DD2 with a fair visitaion agreement. Visitation for now will be as follows if you wish to see the children contact your mom it will be set up with supervision. the choice is yours you can do it there, Bobby and Krystal or you can do it a fromens Parents house. I will want my health benifits to remain until the divorce is final.
You may call twice a week on tues and thurs nights. I want you to pay the final utility bills on the old house and half of the remaining cell bill. I will pay the first half of bankruptcy and you can pay the remaining balance.
I want no furter contact with you at all. The child support will be payed on time from now on or i will seek a court order. It can be mailed to me or given to your mom and I will pick up there. I do not want you here at my home for any reason.
If the need arises and you must contact me you can do it via e-mail or a quick phone call you will remain on subject and tell me what you want if you do not I will hang up repeated calls will not be tolerated.



Well guys what do you think

Hi Joanna... I don't really have a comment on the letter just want to say I am pretty much in the same boat as you are. My h doesn't live with the latest ow but he is with her for "booty call" most every night then goes home to where he stays. He walked away from everything. It is messed up and we live in a small town so everyone knows everything. He broke up ow's M to one of our town cops! how stupid is my h? he is lucky he hasn't gotten ticket upon ticket but his day is coming... ow is trash as far as I am concerned and her h is concerned.
10 years of my life thrown down the toilet. And 2 children. I have been in full gear of taking care of me and my house, working out, tanning, everything. I have no contact with h unless absolutely necessary. If I see it is him calling I have the kids answer it. that way I don't have to talk to him at all. Finances are taken care of for now. But they do just walk around like what they are doing is totally fine. Like it was ok to break up 2 marriages and devastate 4 families (hers, mine, his, and ow's h) how they look in the mirror I will never know. they are a big joke in town I'll tell ya. My h used to be a very respected man. Not anymore. And they are still in hiding. It is not like they are out on display all proud. They just have sf or watch tv at her apt at night then he goes home to where he stays.

So Joanna, I understand your feelings exactly. I am not doing divorce because darnit, why should I have to pay for it?! Besides, I am reporting him to the military and it all probably won't be very pretty really soon so..... Take a deep breath and all I can say is this... don't react to emotions. Really think things over before just reacting. I only say this because I have had to learn this one. I am famous for "reacting" and being emotional and it gets me no where. Hugs to you, I feel every ounce of your pain. mlhb

Yikes! Why not try a Plan B letter? Or are you absolutely done?

i have done plan b letter he is not following but could turn this in to plan b letter easily. just remove the d stuff

plus i can't file for another 3 months at least

If u r in communicado w/him......you are not really in plan B.

Remember plan B is NOT about getting him back. That's a side benefit at best. Plan B is for you to protect you.

You want your H back but if all you see is the WS, stay dark. Save your love and energy for your H.

L.

Okay I stay as dark as I can but there are times that I can't like the child support thing and i never ever call him when he calls here i do not answer i let the oldest answer the phone. I am manageing everything on my own as best I can but lately when he would call 4 and 5 times until someone answered the phone not just the home phone but my cell phone. I has been driving me crazy. He just doesn't respect my space at all. To top it all off if i do speak to him he never wants to stay on subject. the last time i called and said Wh listen I need the money I don't care how you get it but I need it. He said okay I said when will you have it he said tonight. I said fine leave it in my mailbox he said okay. hangs up calls back 30 min later an tells me where I can pick up his other job check then he goes in to i have to pay for this and that and i still owe you for the rest of this month blah blah and i just said i got to go.

Wht would I care about his bills and how he is going to pay for this and that it is not my concern. I felt like telling him youare whining tothe wrong women. I don't matter any more remember. am I wrong.

I am just at the point that I am tired of bring alone is all. I miss companship very much so i take out my frustrations here as much as I can I just need a real live man some time to hug me but I am way to vun. to do that. cause i really miss sf as well.

Joanne,

I understand but you need to know which convo's you will allow while in plan B. For me it was $$, mail and child visitation.

Only later did I validate that OW was extremely jealous of our son. Yep our little boy (who was only 6 at the time). YIKES!!!! Yet she claimed she wanted to have him over and take care of him. I would have feared for my child's life if that psycho babble was within 100 feet of him. YIKES!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

Well guys I think I am really done there is no hope of him ever seeing the light and i am tired of being alone all the time. He doesn't get it and never will. I am going to cut my losses and give him my demands. I just hate being tied to someone who says they don't love me anymore. It Stinks. I feel the need to strech my wings and fly again. dance and sing and have a good time have someone around when I need a supportive hug and I just am never going to get that again from him. He is to lasy to do the work and just wants the easy way out. so i am sticking to my guns.
the only thing he has manageed to get is that we will not be friends after all he has done. so let him wallow

Joanne,

You are still on the rollercoaster and thinking of stepping off while it is still raging forward. Think that is wise? Now honey, sit back and make a plan to move forward. ok?

L.

Okay I a stupid but i really wanted to know the answers to some of my questions. I asked wh if he loved me he said not anymore and didn't want to try to find it again asked did he ever love me yes very much at one time. did he care about me at all yes as the mother of his children and that was it.
then the blow up i made firm my demands and he got pissed. went into his you are suck a hard butt why do you have to be this way and we will see what a court has to say about this and so i guess you don't want to wait for the bankruptcy to go through blah balh. i was really bad I kinda told him that his answers wouldn't wash with me. all this transspired through e-mail. then he called and was going to get ugly and i shut him down explaining that all these things were to protect me and the kids. Ineeded it in writing before anything else happened.also that i was acting on the advise of my att. he calmed down after that.

the rest of the story the drive home after getting DD11 she became upset in the van on the way home. asked her what was up said she was so stressed out by all this stuff and angry as well. asked if she wanted to talk about it she sort of did between a new school and a new home and no dad here she was really stressed. wanted totalk to dad. i said okay get home call him and she did went upstairs to talk and i kept DD2 downstairs so she could talk 15 min later he is at my door knocking. I though crap here we go he is going to climb my frame again. Wanted to see DD11 I said she is upstairs he went up to har and they talked for about 45min while i battled DD2 downstairs so they could have some privacy. he can down stairs sat in his chair and played with DD2 for a while and followed me around while i did nightly clean up. WH stated he came because DD11 was crying I said that was fine i told her she could call.
He left and I guess from what DD11 told me she blasted him to the knees for what he is doing. He is taking her out for dinner tomorrow night. I wonder if some off la la land has cracked a bit since he has maybe realised how this is effecting her. I just don't know anymore about any thing.

I know what I feel but am feeling more hopeless by the day because of his actions and how he is behaving. I know I still love him with all of me and I know that i feel like I have a stone in my chest the size of the world. I know I really want my family back together and whole. beyond that I really don't know. I am trying very hard to stay on task and not bend or stretch my boundries but i can't stand the pain that my child is in it tears me up and i want to hit him and yell at him and scream at the top of my lungs at him but i don't i remain silent because whenhe gets angry at me it cuts deep and he says things that cause me more pain. HELP ME I AM AN IDIOT

U R not an idiot but we all c/b. U R a wife and mother who desparately wants to save her family and protect all, including your H but right now you only have a WS in sight.

That given, stop asking for answers to questions a WS just can't answer. Your H loves you but a WS doesn't. You get this now right? Ok, so save your questions for your H not the WS.

As for his R with his children, that's his fence to mend. Let them say what they want to him, he needs to deal with it. U R NOT t/b the cushion between them, ok?

Now, here's an {{{MB hug}}} just 4 U. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I know those helped me when I felt just like you do now.

take care,
L.

I really do understand that he is speaking as a wh and not a h right now . but it has been a rough ride and I am getting more torn up instead of better it seems. I cryed on the way home again and I do good until then. Waiting for WH to show up he's taking DD11 to dinner tonight suppose to be here around 5 for that. I try not to seem despret but i feel like I am holding on for nothing. I am so stressed I don't want to be home I wish that I could loose myself and work 24/7 but my kids need me here as well but I am so lonely and a little depressed thinking about how am I going to make rent this month and cont. to pay daycare every week.

I have another job interview on mon for another agency job to make up the hours that I am not getting at my day job. so it's looking like i will be working 10-2 and 3-11 on most days to keep the money coming in. I just wish it would all disappear and i could wake up tomorrow never having met him or ever knowing him I believe it would be easier then my other wishes.

My DD11 asked me the other day about what if something happens to you mom. that is a question a 11 year old shouldn't have to ask. she doesn't want to be seperated from her sister ever. I just explained that her aunt would look after them. But how will that happen. I said I would make sure of it.

He is tearing my child apart and I feel helpless to stop it.

Well wpnders never cease he cancled dinner with DD11 last night Resceduled for tonight but canceled again said o have them eat and he would come by and take them for icecream later. Oh yeah that helps he is so stupid DD11 looked at me and rolled her eyes and said he's doing it again. Why does he do that. She sees him as a lier and unfaithfull [censored]. who has torn her family apart because he got a childish crush and left her and her sister for another women and her children. He says thats not how it is but uhh yes it is he leaves us and moves in with her and her kids what else could it be. He is making excuses to make him self feel better and leaving us to drown in sorrow and dispare.

Well I got news for him he pulls a trick like he did before and he will have to fish my size nine out of his butt. I am not playing with him anymore. He has hurt her for the last time. I told DD11 to let it out and if he has another fit like he did before that I would take care of him for her not to worry