WHAT TO EXPECT
You think you’re going to die-or you want to. It will feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest while you’re still alive. You’re whole life will cave in. It may feel like you’ve lost everything you’ve ever worked for or dreamt of. Everything you THOUGHT you believed in will be destroyed. You may cry for days, 25 hours a day. You won’t be able to eat or sleep or even think AT ALL. Don’t think less of yourself if you give a thought to dying, because I think most people do; just be brave enough to reach out to someone-even here on MB.
We have four words of practical advice: 1) Do not give in to the temptation to buy a case of Jack and a box set of Merl. Yeah, it can be tempting to “numb out” and plunge into depression, but not advisable. 2) Buy lotion Kleenex, because if you buy regular Kleenex and cry this much, you will rub your eyes and nose raw; lotion Kleenex will not hurt so much. 3) Buy some soup, because you can’t swallow with that big lump in your throat; however, soup is liquid and warm and sort of nourishing, and at least it will be something in your stomach that you can choke down. 4) Come on here to MB as much as you can or go be with your mom or your sister or brother…people who care about you and will take care of you for a little while. We think almost everyone here on MB has been in your shoes and thought about wanting to die, so we understand what it’s like.
During this phase, the Wandering Spouse (WS) is usually still heavily into their affair fantasy. It’s still sort of a secret, and it’s based on addiction to the Other Person (OP). You, the Betrayed Spouse (BS) are still meeting some of their needs, but they are turning to the OP to meet other ones.
EN’s and LB’s. Okay, just a little bit you start to pull it together and you start to learn. You read here on the MB site…or read His Needs/Her Needs (HNHN) or LoveBusters (LB)…or even some of the other sites like Dr. Phil or DivorceBusters. You begin to get it--you realize you’ve been a jerk and haven’t appreciated what you had. You learn about Giver and Taker, and you discover the Love Bank. You grasp the concept of emotional needs (EN’s) and lovebusters (LB’s). You figure out what your own EN’s are and take a good guess what your WS’s might be. You know what your own LB’s are, and you recognize that you hurt your WS by LB-ing over and over again. You feel bad about yourself because you behaved like that. There is a major change within you, because you GET IT!! But for some reason your WS doesn’t see any change in you and doesn’t believe it’s real-they WILL say it’s just a temporary change to “get them back” and that you’ll go back to the same old, same old once they come back. You wonder, “Why can’t they see it? Why don’t they believe it’s real?”
During this phase, the affair (A) has been going along a little longer, but the WS is growing more hostile and vicious in order to justify their behavior. Maybe they move out or at least threaten divorce.
Plan A. Now that you have read and learned and seen your part in how your marriage (M) got to this point, you decide to put your learning into action. You make the effort to work on yourself and end all LB’s. You want to meet your spouse’s EN’s and you do your best, but they don’t want you to anymore. You’ll feel like you’re a doormat giving into their every capricious whim, and they’ll still keep acting vicious. It feels like a lose-lose situation because you’re killing yourself for them, and they’re killing you too! Very often a BS will incorrectly think that Plan A means Plan Doormat and you might let your WS just walk all over you. This part is very, very hard because it feels a lot like you are giving, Giving, GIVING and they are taking, Taking, TAKING without even giving you hope in return.
During this phase, WS’s will often “fence-sit.” They don’t really want to lose their house or their kids, and life with you may not have been perfect but they don’t want to lose what EN’s you did meet. By the same token, they are absolutely ADDICTED to the OP, and the OP makes them feel so good. They can’t seem to break away. Often, you’ll hear things like, “I need some space” or “I need time to myself to think.” It seems like they are perpetually confused and can’t make up their mind. The WS is cake-eating: getting EN’s met by you and by the OP. They want BOTH.
Exposure. In the best interest of your M, you expose the A to the WS’s parents, your parents, your pastor, and the people at your WS’s work-people who are in the best position to have a positive affect on your WS. Now the A is no longer a delicious “secret” and it is brought to the light of day (and truth). The WS WILL rage for about a week or two. RAGE!!!!!!! They’ll blame you for “doing this to them.” They’ll claim that now they can’t trust you. They’ll be furious that you invaded their privacy. They may even say, “If you expose this anymore I will divorce you” or “You will drive me into the arms of OP.” Everything will be aimed to make you look like the “bad guy.” They want to justify their choices and everything will be a reflection of how bad “you” are. They want to take the focus off of them. At this point, you are the last best hope for your M, so stand firm and don’t let their whirlwind of blame sway you from your course. Just remember that the WS made the choices and decisions to have the A, and all you did was burst the bubble of secrecy and let people know what is happening…they “did it to themselves” by deciding to have the A.
During this phase, the WS will be infuriated, will rage against the machine, will justify, rationalize and defend the indefensible. This is when the addiction of the A is most evident, because now their mom and dad, their work, and everyone knows-but they still can’t end it. Like a drug-addict, they will do anything and hurt anyone (even those they love) to get another fix of their drug…the OP. Keep that image of a drug-addict in mind, and envision the exposure as an intervention. No addict LIKES an intervention, and they fight against it tooth and nail, but in the end, it is in their best interests.
…at this point things can go one of two ways:
1) The WS softens their heart, admits they were wrong, wants to end the A and make things right, agrees to no contact (NC), and takes accountability measures like sharing email passwords, cell phone records, schedules, etc. If this is how your WS responds, then we would STRONGLY encourage you to have an equally soft heart, trust but confirm, and don’t hold it over their head forever. Yep, there is a LOT of damage done, and a lot from which to heal, but have a little empathy and compassion. As a couple you two can begin Recovery, discover what weaknesses lead to this A, and build a stronger, closer marriage.
2) The WS hardens their heart and continues despite being exposed. The raging and blaming continues. They refuse to admit they were wrong; they do ANY THING to continue the A; they go deeper underground and continue contact with the OP; they keep secrets and demand “privacy”-and they absolutely refuse any sort of counseling or coaching. If this is how your WS responds, then you might progress to Plan B.
Plan B. You decide it’s time for Plan B, but the thought of cutting off contact with your WS is terrifying. You are SURE that you will drive them straight into the arms of the OP and straight to divorce court. But against all your instincts, you take a leap of faith, hoping against hope that this will finally be the thing that wakes your WS up. You agonize over every word of your Plan B letter, and you let folks on the forum critique it. And then finally, one day, you give your WS the letter-this is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. It is SO scary!!!! In some ways you are just as addicted to them as they are to their lover. The first few hours and days, you will come up with a zillion “reasons” why you HAVE TO contact them. “It’s for the kids,” you’ll say. “I’m just passing along information that they need to know.” Basically, you are so afraid that you’re losing them that you feel compelled to do something!
The very best thing you can do for yourself, your WS, and your M is to find a REALLY GOOD FRIEND who will sit up with you for a couple days and talk you out of it. Like someone who has an unhealthy attachment, you will have an enormously strong desire to break the Plan B, and all this will do for your WS is demonstrate to them that you don’t mean what you say, and that you don’t think enough of yourself to follow through on your own word. STAND STRONG. Get someone to be with you and don’t call. It will be a very rough couple of days, but you will get through it. Perhaps you could go for 15 minutes at a time (“I won’t call for 15 minutes, and in 15 minutes I’ll re-evaluate if I even want to call”) because 30 minutes or an hour is WAY too long!
When you establish Plan B, expect your WS to be MAD. They will NOT like the idea that you are taking back control of your life or the situation. They will be angry that you took away one of the pieces of their cake. They will make threats and say things to hurt you in order to get you to react (and by reacting, we mean contacting them). They will try all kinds of tricks to get you to back off of your Plan B. Expect this, and recognize it for what it is: an attempt to re-engage you in the cake-eating lifestyle.
When Plan B works, it works precisely BECAUSE the WS is driven into the arms of the OP. Now, the WS has to depend entirely upon the OP to meet all their needs. Now that the A is no longer a delicious secret, they have to deal with all of “real life”-bills, and kids and everything. When the A was a secret, the WS thought it was going to be “heaven” to be with the OP. In real life, the kids are hurt and angry and don’t like the OP at all!! In real life, the OP doesn’t provide the big house and new car that the WS has learned to enjoy. In real life, they start to argue over bills and having to live in an apartment. In real life, the OP has to go to work and isn’t always around to whisper sweet nothings. In real life, the OP is a cheater, and starts to see someone on the side-cheating on your WS -or- the OP didn’t really want to leave his or her M for your WS, they just wanted to continue the secret.
ONGOING THINGS YOU WILL EXPERIENCE:
Self-pity - bad choices: You’ll make mistakes, some bad decisions, react poorly at times. You’ll turn into a human marshmallow, maybe even embarrass yourself. You’ll do things that are “out of character” and not really you. You’ll feel as low as the dirt under a slug, and feel worthless, unloved and unlovable. A lot of the time, you may feel like one gigantic MISTAKE. You may keep going back to a WS that abuses you. You may let your WS trample your boundaries-or shoot, you may not even HAVE boundaries! You may just completely lose it and LB all over the place. You may be tempted to have an affair of your own. You may become a complete doormat-or on the other hand, you may become domineering or controlling. You may want to “MAKE” them come to MB. Just remember that this is natural and we’ve all done it.
The Rollercoaster: You will feel like killing yourself or your WS today, and feel like you “just might make it” the next day. You will feel completely sucked dry and torn up one day, and hopeful the next. You will be “up” then “down” then “up” then “down”-and eventually you will get a little seasick from the rollercoaster of emotions. Just remember that eventually it does level out, whether your M recovers or just you do.
Babbling: The WS will babble pretty much as long as they are involved with the OP in the A. They will completely revise history. They’ll say they’ve been miserable for YEARS, or you’ve neglected and hurt them for YEARS. They may even say, “We were NEVER in love” or “I have never loved you like a wife or husband should.” Actually, Orchid is our WS Babbling expert,Reverse Babble, but just remember that this is also pretty normal. A lot of what comes out of the WS’s mouth is meant to shift blame or focus off of them and onto you, so don’t take it to heart. Even if there is a modicum of truth to what they’re saying (and there most likely will be), know that you two WERE once in love, and DID have some happy times and loving years. See if you can learn to recognize WS Babble and practice reverse babble if you can get the hang of it.
FNCJ and DD
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Me: BS, 43yo INFP; exH: abusive, bipolar, BPD, serial cheater, ESTJ; Divorce final 5-23-03; NewBF: 47yo, single dad, INTP
"There is no key to happiness...the door is always open"
My Story
faithfulwifecj@yahoo.com
