I am at my wits end. OW called WH this morning and left two long messages rambling on about how she knew I had called her H & would I please stop messing with her life!

WHAT!!! Messing with her life??? She's messing with mine.

I have not spoken with her H yet this week although I left him a message last Sunday & then he tried calling me twice.

WH asked me about it & I said that I had told him the truth about it. 5 mintues after OW called WH & he picked up his phone. We were getting ready to go out. I asked WH to please hang up, but he walked up stairs. I followed him up there & he continued the conversation. OW said she wanted to call me & talk to me about what I had been telling her H. I said fine, put her on. But I won't be to pleasant.

WH wouldn't put her on. After the conversation I told WH had disrepectful and humiliating that was & next time when she calls & he is in the house I'd appreciate it if he wouldn't take her call.

WH said that I shouldn't call OWH. Said that he is a *&*&# lunatic and that he is making things up to her. I said that if you both think I am calling him, maybe then I should. I said I am fighting for my marriage. WH said that it is doing anyone any good for me to call him.

I told WH that I had every right to speak with OWH. But out of respect for what I told him, I hadn't called him back. I'd appreciate the same respect from him.

SO we went on our way to do the family thing with DS. On our way back, OW calls while we are driving in the car. WH answers. I am driving. I said that I'd appreciate it if he would hang up. I muttered that was so bold and that I could be bold too. He kept talking. I told him that I didn't want to hear any more so when the car came to a stop for a short time. He got out of the car. He walked home.

I know I shouldn't have, but I called her while they were talking. She answered & said did I have something to say to her. I said yes. She said If I listen to what you have to say, will you listen to what I have to say. I said that I didn't know. She hung up on me.

SO I called OWH. Not for the right reason, but b/c I am totally P------ OFF. I told him that I was sorry for not returning his calls & that my H threatened to leave me if I called him. I freaked & said that I shouldn't have called. He said is everything o.k.? I said NO. I hung up.

My WH finally arrived back home & said well now's here your chance to call OWH. He & his FIL are on their way to gang up on OW.

I told WH that I didn't want to talk to him right now.

WH left the house to go work out.

I want to pack up & leave or I want to pack up his things & have him leave. I am furious right now.

I still have not exposed at work. He came home this morning & said there is a rumor that he is going to get transferred. I am so furious right now. How do I handle this without getting so emotional!!!!!

Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

Kim,

Stop allowing yourself t/b manipulated by the OW and WS. Your WS is allowing it for his life but you don't have to allow it for yours.

Call Ow's H and ask to speak with him in a public place or on the phone with another trusted person present. Be smart and not too emotional (if possible....yea it's ok to cry but guys have a hard time with that, but in your case it may help him move forward also). If you think you are being manipulated you don't know how what Ow's H has been told either. U 2 need to compare notes and set the record straight. That in itself w/b an eye opening experience.

U r right about the WS disrespecting you. That s/b expected though.

Now go make your contact again. Do it right and safely this time. Don't worry about how the WS will react. They have short term memory. LOL!!!

L.

At this point I don't care if WH leaves me. I have been so humiliated today. I don't think this is going to work out. I have tried so hard, but I guess not hard enough since I have not exposed at work & I won't keep in touch with OWH. I think I would be calling OWH just to see WS walk out the door like he threatened.

What a cruel thing that is happening here. How cany anyone be so cruel to someone they say they care about? My poor DS. He deserves none of this.

Kim

Kim, they rarely leave due to exposure! They threaten and whine and complain but exposure is necessary. Please do what Orchid suggested and stop talking to OW! Next time your H takes a call from OW in front of you leave without him.

How should I act when WH gets home???? Not talk about what happened today??? He already knows how I feel about the whole thing.

Keep myself busy with other things & just let it blow over??

Thanks,

Kim

Oh well, just blow it off. You wouldn't want to do anything to upset the OW and her boyfriend anymore than you have. Like your husband said, it's not doing any good contacting OWH anyway, right?

Your husband doesn't like that. It interferes with his affair.

I would just promise him that you won't interfere with their affair anymore. Oh wait, I forgot! you HAVEN'T been interfering with the affair because you refuse to call the OWH or the OW's boss!

Tell me again, whose side are you on, Kim? Because I can't tell.

Kim, how is conflict avoidance working for ya?

"Conflict avoidance does only one thing. Causes more conflict." Patriot92

Wow, that was some real fact sharing going on there! How helpful to the OWH. He should now be fully informed enough to take some action about the affair. You're right, you should't have called.

You're de-railing the affair train! Good girl. Get ready for the exposure firestorm! To be expected my dear.

Do not ENABLE or feed the affair. Let the fireworks go! It is a good thing girl. No areas unexposed. I'd do the whole nine yards!

What is he gonna do? If you're in a fault state, divorces can be devastating for a WS...especially 2 WS with kids.

I am sorry your child heard this.

Let the WS walk home.

Don't talk to OW. If you do, tell her your family is important. That SHE IS A SHARK CIRCLING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY SMELLING BLOOD IN THE WATER...THAT WAS DRAWN BY HER. And that YOU ARE ENDING THIS. And that SHE IS NOT WELCOME in your family. That EVERYBODY WILL KNOW and that THE AFFAIR IS DOOMED. Do not ramble on. Do not validate anything she says. Tell her to stay away from your family. Ask her why is she worried if her H finds out? That HER SECRET IS OUT...AND SHAME AND DISRESPECT IS HER LOT FOR ADULTERY...A SIN.

Stay tough. If possible, avoid her. But if you confront, do so with only facts and without mercy but be gentle saying these words. OW want to melt the fact in with fiction. She'll playt the pity card w/you.

JUST REMEMBER HER GOAL IS TO STEAL YOUR FAMILY. SHE IS A SWIMMING SHARK SMELLING BLOOD IN THE WATER (I stole this analogy from Dr. Phil)

MelodyLane -

I did try calling & reaching WH boss 3 days this week. I only get transferred to his voicemail. I don't have a cell # for him & I've tried finding a # in the phone book & the internet. No # on WH's cell phone either. I know I said that I haven't exposed at work. I should have gone into that in further detail, but was hurried. Even when I ask for him to be paged I get transferred. I just want to let you know that I have tried & I think the only way I will be able to reach him is to drive over there.

O.k. so I freeze up when I try to communicate with OWH. I see that & I KNOW IT IS NOT HELPING MY SITUATION. I call & then I flip out. I call when I am in an emotional state so that does not help. I need to call when I am calm and maybe write down what I plan on saying.

MelodyLane, you are right that I avoid conflict. How does it feel? Awful. How is it working. Not good.

I have a strong feeling that OW is going to call me. I plan on not answering her call. I talked to her a brief moment, but she does not seem like the kind of person who would stay in an abusive relationship. She was very agressive with me.

Just Peachy - thanks for your post. I don't know if I am in a No Fault state. I guess I should find that out. As I said, if OW calls I don't plan on answering her. If she calls my home phone #, I will hang up on her.

When WH got home he asked if he could talk to me. He said that he was terribly sorry. He said that even though he "thinks he is in love" he thinks she is ballistic. So the WH thought of the moment is that it makes more sense to work things out with me. That it is seeming more & more that he has to cut things off, but he is "so torn." He's not sure he wants to go through WD. Then he said, "But what addict does?" I told him I could help him through that.

His "excuse" for answering her call was that she said she was going to call me. I told WH that I was a big girl and could handle it. I said so you got to talk to her, good for you. He said that yeah, but it wasn't very endearing.

ML, I realize I am torturing myself.

Kim

Exposure is not for the timid. It draws a line in the sand. It is an ultimatum. World leaders make em' all the time. And they are anything but timid. What would a president do when interacting with a terrorist or a terrorist sympathizer (owh)? They'd not back down. They'd be calm, state their case, and ask for resolution.

When speaking with OWH, do that.

Say that you are aware she has phoned your H. That the A may be on going still. That you are committed to recovery, and that your H and his WW are both behaving as addicts, and you charge him with the responsibility of his WW's recovery and ask him to recommit to love and to his marriage as that is your intent. If he is intimidating, realize that is HIS DEFENSE...HE MAY IN FACT DEEP DOWN FEEL POWERLESS...THIS IS HIS WAY OF ACTING OUT. Practice what you will say in front of the mirror as many times as needed until you feel comfortable. He is in the end, like any other world leader, or terrorist, or WS, a person. Not to be feared.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...quote from Churchill...famous world leader with cajones the size of Great Britain! Model yourself after that quote!

remember, exposure is NOT what the affairees want! They want anything but! It is painful, uncomfortable, makes them look bad...AND REMEMBER...AN AFFAIR IS ALL ABOUT FEELING GOOD...FEELING DESIRED...FEELING INDESTRUCTIBLE...and exposure DOES JUST THE OPPOSITE FOR THEIR AFFAIR FIX.

BE THE AFFAIR ANTI-DRUG AND STAY COOL CALM AND COLLECTED!

Kimberly,

As I said the other night, I highly doubt a woman who has been abused by her H would engage in an affair. There are people on this sight who have been physically abused by their WS. Perhaps they can add insight. From my thoughts, though, I would think she would be so afraid of doing anything to set off her spouse that she wouldn't even think of having an A. In fact, my understanding is that victims of spousal abuse blame themselves and think things along the lines of, "If only I were a better wife, I wouldn't give him a reason to hit me." Please keep in mind people involved in A's rewrite their marital history - to the point where the true marriage is unrecognizable. My WH told his OW that I was a neglectful mother that left our then infant son laying on the bed, that he rolled of and was unresponsive and in hospital. NEVER HAPPENED...see what I mean? If they tell you OWH is abusive, they are hoping you will be so afraid to put her in harms way that you would never call him. Please contact OWH and work together with him to end this A.

Regards,

BB

Thanks Just Peachy......Having a script might be just what I need & realizing he is just a person. WH has made him out to be an abusive lunatic and I know it has been blown out of proportion. I have never practiced what I am going to say or written it down.

Thanks!!

Kim

BB -

I know, the more I learn that less I believe of her story. WH has re-written our history as well. Yesterday, He said that there was really never passion in our M that it had always been "off." I KNOW FOR A FACT that is not true.

Your re-written history is crazy!!!! What a story.

Thanks!

Kim

ok, Kim, WHEN will you be calling the OWH? Why not call him tonight and tell him what is going on?

And when will you stop apologizing to your H and his girlfriend for calling the OWH? You only reinforce the impression with your H that there is something wrong with callng him.

Kim, it's not just you that is being tortured, but the OWH. Can you imagine how he feels to be toyed with like this? It is downright cruel to call him up and then withhold information from him or refuse to call him back. Your actions are cruel, Kim, and I want you to think about the heII you are putting this man through.

Have you considered that? Being shy and "frozen" does not excuse doing this to that man.

I think the story is a tale filled with holes...lies...

The previous poster who said that abused women don't have affairs seems more plausable.

I mean, if a woman is abused by a man, she seeks out help. She wants to get away from something. Unless she is suffering from "white knight" type syndrome...where she BLOWS up her situation to a male and wants him to save her from it.

Thus, an affair is JUSTIFIED in eyes of involved parties, guilt is alleviated, and the WS feels like he's saving somebody from an evil dude...and escaping the clutches of his controlling W.

See how the spin is?

It's mostly lies.

That I would bet on...were I a betting woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />