Hello everyone, I have been posting on and off lateley. My H and I are in recovery after his EA which ended 8 weeks ago. We did the EA questions, but not the LBs. His biggest ENs are: 1.Conversation, 2. Attractiveness, 3.Honesty, 4. Admiration, 5. Affection. Mine are: 1. Affection, 2. Honesty, 3. Conversation, 4.Admiration, 5.Sexual. My main LBs are: 1. Dishonesty, 2. Disrespectful Js, 3. Independant Bs, 4. Angry OBs, 5. Selfish Ds. I don't know his, but I'd be willing to say that Selfish Demands, Annoying Bs, and Disrespectful Js are at the top of his list.

Now...something happens when I try to approach him about certain subjects that I have a problem with. I can't for the life of me dissect this and begin to understand what is really the issue underneath it all. He always gets frustrated and says I'm pushing him and being smothering and not being caring about his feelings. This makes me feel like he doesn't care about my feelings and trying to help meet my needs, especially right now, my need for honesty is understandable under the circumstances. Then he shuts down and tells me to leave him alone before I make it worse. So, we never talk about things really, because this is our pattern lately. I ask, he gets frustrated and shuts down, I push and get emotional...we both go away unhappy and angry. Someone please help me here!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

fumbling,

Do you repeat yourself when you talk to your H or ask for things from him?

So, if you are doing that. Stop.

If he says "I hear you and I understand what you want", then that is the time to stop. If he says "I'll do it", then don't ask again until he has had an opportunity to follow up on his commitment. If he says "no", don't badger him until he changes it to "yes".

You get the idea.

Most guys don't have the capacity to listen to that kind of thing for very long. It's very tiring for us. Physically tiring. Even to listen to somebody complain about the same thing repeatedly (not having to do with me)- is extremely tiring.

A guy needs a rest after only a little of this.

So, be sensitive to men's different communication limits. You see, a man's brain is trying always to make everything fit - and then figure out what action to take. He can't help it. It's hard work to integrate all new information with everything that's already in the brain. A guy can only carry arround so many unsolved problems before he needs to go do something. Once he has at least one high-priority problem in his head, he really doesn't want to hear anything else. He's preparing for action.

-AD

hmmm...thank you ver much for that insight. Yes, I think I do the same thing. I just don't feel like I'm getting through sometimes and so I keep "badgering" about the same issues. We actually talked about it today in a calmer environment and he informed mf as much. He said if I want him to meet my needs and requests I need to back off because he is tired of hearing the same things over and over. So, there you have it, in a nutshell. Thanks though, it always helps to hear it from someone else. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

You can't back off and wait and wait and wait till you are ready to expolde because nothing is happening. If nothing happens after long enough to get the job done, then you have to ask nicely again or the situation can get worse.

fumbling,

Glad to be of some help.

rb123,

If you are "ready to explode" because you don't get what you asked for, I think you might need to look at yourself carefully. That sounds dangerous. But you are so very right about asking nicely in all cases.

Once you have gotten past the point where he understands what you want and how important it is to you, there is no advantage to pressing the point. If he says "no", the answer is "no". He has a right to say "no". Otherwise it is not a request, but a demand. If he says "yes", but doesn't do it, he needs to be reminded - but only after he has had clear opportunity to carry out his commitment.

-AD

Please read Dr. Harley's book: His Needs/Her Needs.

Basically men and women communicate in different styles. Our general communication is to use what is effective with us but that may not work when communicating to the other gender.

Given the above, there is another factor t/b considered. The A has broken the trust that takes time to heal in recovery. If this is added to the mixture, guilt is thrown in and puts another obstacle in the communication path.

Call Steve for some phone counseling. It could help a lot.

L.