HEA, found out 2 days before Christmas 2004 (Merry Christmas). Very sad day. Found more 2 months later. H really sorry, said he does not want to be the man he has turned into anymore. Cancelled all accounts online. Does not want to give up on us. Wants to talk to a priest or whoever. I have not set that up yet. Scared. But I plan to soon.

He is a very good listener and he is being very loving and attentive. I believe he is done and wants to move on in our marriage. I still do not believe him totally. I want to, and I know it will take time. We both took the MB Q&A, and sat and talked about it. It really was a great quiz.

My family and friends do not know. I am on meds to keep me from hurting so much. I try to run every day just to keep me in balance. I fear the day I am wrong and I find something else new. I am not sure that day will ever come, but my guard is up and the trust is low.

I feel the internet is my enemy, but yet I am on it all the time searching for answers. This is the best place I have found so far.

We really want this marriage to work. I think if I can get through this and he can also stay strong, our marriage will be closer than ever. The other side of me says BS!!!!!! Am I just setting myself up the the biggest fall ever?

I read some of your stories and I am trying to find someone who is trully trying to work on their marriage. Is there anyone out there or am I the only one?

My H is a big kid. That is one thing that everyone loves about him. He likes to play. He is not flirtatious. I feel that I have not filled his needs for some time and he just started to look for ways. That thought scares me. Will I ever be able to do that? I know I need to make some changes, but how can I take the blame off of me?

These are all questions I am sure all of you have asked yourselves. How can you hold you head high when someone asks you, "How are you doing?" what a stupid question. Do they really want to know? I have tried really hard not to ask that question to people that I do not want to know how they are really doing. I just want to scream that I have been really hurt. Then the sane side of me says, "Fine, and how are you?" with a smile.

Well, the definition of fine is Frustrated, Intense, Neurotic, Energy! :-)

This is a tough one. I went through this for a LONG time. It's an addiction and there are many very good books on this type of addiction. Check your local book store, they are eye openers.

You need to set some boundaries for your own healing. Mine was no internet in our home. After 2 years, we have it back, but only through my laptop and my complete control of where he has been. That is progress. I honestly did not ever intend to have it again, but I am slowly trying to trust again.

Hang in there and know that your pain is real and many of us have been through it. Work on you! Work on healing the part of you that is damaged by this! That's the best advice I can give you. The rest will follow.

Hello StillinLOve,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. But it seems your H stopped in time to heal himself and your M.
My H went a lot further than that - he had a PA with a friend of mine, went to prostitutes, and chatted with women on the internet. When I decided to leave him, he also started dating the women he chatted with (don't know if he ever did that before <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />). And soon it turned out to be not so wonderful as he thought it would be - such women are merely human beings, that might present themselves as really nice people on the internet, but that all have their flaws. He regrets what he has done, and wants me back.
I just mean to tell your H - however compelling a person might seem on the internet - they're just human beings, with flaws, and selfishness - you just don't see that on your PC screen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.
I hope the two of you can work this out. But as this type of thing is quite addictive (even playing Tetris is addictive !!) it needs to be treated like any other addiction. Counseling might be a good thing & give both of you support.

Hello onlyUcan,
Thankyou for taking the time to read my plea.

Today I feel as though I lost Sunday. I spent the whole day mad and reclusive from my flu sick H. He was really sick and I just did not show any pitty. I did not like feeling this way. I had a question to ask him and I know he was not in the mood to answer it. I still think there might be more to the story than he is telling me. I just can not let go of the constant worry that he is still holding something from me. But do I really want to know everything or do I just keep moving forward? It's just all about TRUST. Can it ever come back? Will I ever be the one and only?

Frustrated, Intense, Neurotic

These are my new nick names! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Boundaries? He works on the internet all day. I have been checking the history when he brings his lap top home. But, I know you can erase the history too. I just have to find some sort of boundary. But, I just do not know.

I guess only time will heal and give the answers to my worries.

Thanks for being there.

Thank you Brownhair for you nice words.

It sounds like we have a simalar story.

My H started with porno, then chatting, to internet sex (which I did not know was possible), to some how meeting up with women for sex. He said none of it was out of love. I am not sure if it was meeting his needs or he loved the control that came with it, or the secret he managed to keep for so long, probably all of them. Again, TRUST?

As I type this I feel sick to my stomach.

You are so right. I think those women are just as demented as he is/was. They have just as many problems if not more.
One of the women started to get emotional envolved with him. He said that, when she started to yell at him is when he called that one off.

Man, I hate where I am in life right now. This just makes me feel so small and insignificant. I already have a low self esteem as it is that I always have to work on.

Are you back together with your H?

I believe if we can make it through this, we could have a very incredible marriage. Atleast that is what MB is telling me when I read the text on this sight. I came to this sight because I want to believe that, and I am hoping everyone here is too. Or atleast trying.

I have to believe my H wants to work it out. One day I told him "I love You", he said "I know, I can tell with all that I have done to you, you are still here and still wanting to work this out." The amount of forgivness we have to give them is increadible. I know that once forgivness is achieved, and accepted, comes great peace. Can I make it that far? I hope so.

I think I will call our church right now and set up an appointment with our priest. This scares me so much. I have not told anyone, because of the judgement I am afraid they will have (not to mention how the story would spread). Have you told anyone (friends)? My trust is blown in everyone right now.

There are things that can be done for you to see all that he has done during the day on his PC. He can buy a program and install it and you will be able to see all key-strokes. The internet is filled with the evil lure of fantasy and the facade of being whomever you want to be in that moment. My H was addicted even before I met him, funny thing is we met at an online dating service. I was naive and did not think that he would bring it with him when we married. I didn't even think of not trusting him when we were dating, we dated only for 6 months before he insisted we get married, probably afraid I would leave if the truth were exposed.

We have had some counseling and read many books, but he is one to start something and not finish it because he loses interest. He now tells me he kept in contact with the OW from his past because he wasn't sure if I would stay. We both have emotional issues that we have faced together and it has made us stronger.

This is NOT easy by any means and there is no secret recipe for getting through it - just ONE DAY AT A TIME! Know that you are not crazy and if you need to set boundaries that make you feel better, you deserve to do that. I was willing to listen to all that he wanted to tell me about the reasons "why" he did it, but I was not willing to be ok with it. I did not leave, I did not threaten to leave, but I did talk about him leaving if he could not get his act together. I am very weak in that sense because I really do love him and I really do want to be married to him - just not his addiction.

I did finally put a Plan B "plan" in place for myself. I finally opened up to my mother and my best friends (2). That was VERY difficult and I probably did not share the whole story with my mother, but more of the details with 2 of my best friends, a little at a time. They are still the ONLY ones who know about it. I'm embarassed by it and don't want the judgement either, also, I was much too fragile to be hearing what everyone else wanted me to do. I opened up here on this forum and made some very good friends. I knew that I wasn't going to leave him, but didn't know how to cope.

I can say that I am stronger now. That just took time. I read Stop Walking on Egg Shells, that helped alot. I also read other SA books, those are scary because they talk of relapses and slips. I went through more than I can count.
A year ago, he was carrying on a "friendship" with a girl that worked next door to him, married, but she liked to flirt. That was WAY outside of my boundaries and then just last month, he was talking back and forth with a customer service rep that befriended him from a credit card company. Now please! Is that really ok? He knew that was ridiculous and I was not ok with it. He changed his number the day after I found out, something in him knew right away and I take that as progress - as little as it is and as crazy as it sounds.

People won't understand how you feel unless they have gone through it. This is a great place for that kind of support. Be cautious in who you share with - BUT be BOLD in exposing. If you get a phone number, e-mail address, etc. let it out, don't hold back. Those OW are strangers and they are predators in your space.

Ok, I've rambled enough. Hang in there, each day will be a new day!

I was told by a woman that she told her good friends and lost a couple of them. You are correct when you say they do not know what they would do in our place. I know of a woman that her husband was sleeping with the daycare provider (married). A friend and I were talking about it, news does travel, and her reaction was "I'd kill him". My guess is that she might not be the one to talk to. Although she is the one that I am sure would give me support.

I hate the cards I have been dealt.... I hate what others might say... but I need to get it out. I know here is a great place, but I almost feel as secretive as he was to me. Last night I told him to read everything I have been typing. Maybe, he will see something and understand a little better.

I want him to get some help too. He also wants to find out why he did the things he did. We will be meeting with our priest soon. I know he is very nervous about that. Me too.

How does your mother and friends treat your husband?

That alone scares me. My father cheated on my mother when I was young. She left. I know she carries alot of baggage with her. But, she might be very forgiving, or very mad. My father might be able to relate a little more. He loves my husband and thanks him all the time for taking such good care of his little girl. And, also tells me I am so lucky to have such a wonderful loving husband...... that takes such good care of me.
Man.... does that make me feel weak. Are we weak for staying or strong for staying?

I know that if we can get to the forgiving part and fully accept and release from all of this... we will be accomplishing something so wonderful.

So far I have gone to:
-finding out, major hurt!
-crying, depression (medication to make it through a day)
-constant searching to find more (obsession) I lose days when I am there.
-major self pity, very low self esteem.
-periods of calm, sort of happy moments inbetween all of them.
-forgiveness but not forgeting and still bringing it up in conversation. (Am I beating a dead horse?)
-saddness for him all the time. What a sad load to carry. How can you see yourself and like what you see. Lost and lonely. I know he feels so much better to finally be caught. He was always so scared I would find out and leave him. (Am I the fool?) I love him with all my heart. And, I do feel he loves me, and is so sorry that he will do anything to keep me.
-BUT, I want him to be accountable to not only me. I am so scared for him, he got himself into this. If we keep this a secret, does it make it easier to do it again?

I know I have typed too much, but I guess it is like talking to someone and letting it all out. Thank you so much for being here.

I feel your pain too.

One day at a time.

My H is a good man. My mother and the 2 best friends know him on a much more intimate level than some of my arms distance friends or others in our church, etc. My mom loved him dearly - we lost her in January. And he loved her! Her continued love for him I believe helped him in his healing process thus far. At the end of the day, she loved her daughter more and if push came to shove and I needed her to help me with Plan B, she would be there in a minute. She hated to see me in pain, it hurt her too!

Seeing the Priest will help, scary for both of you, but is a good exposure tool.

I made the mistake of telling my H's parents early on, ONE TIME and that's all it took. His mom told me to get an anullment because it was still in the 1st year of our M and his father ended up telling other people in thier circle of friends and that is not why I told them. I was desperate and hoped that they may have some insight. The guilt I felt over that was not worth telling them.

I'm not sure if we are courageous for staying or cowards for not leaving. I know that I continue to pray to our Heavenly Father that if this man is not for my Higher good, please take him out of my life! He is still here and I know that he loves me. He has had slips, he has had relapses, they have been hard, they have hurt deeply, it doesn't get easier with any discovery and you do go through all the cycles of feelings that you described.

One day at a time, but he gets to put one foot in front of the other because he is committed to you, not because you tell him how to walk.

Hi onlyUcan,

Thank you for your reply. It has been awhile since I have been back here.

We visited with the Priest. He knows us and our family. He is a good man. He was wonderful. You were right when you said it was a good exposure tool. H also knew it was what had to happen next. H was strong but at times emotional. It must be so hard to admit your faults when they are so degrading and self-centered. I felt his pain.

The Priest told us that we should just keep this problem to ourselves. Other people (friends, family) really do not know how to handle these problems until they are in our shoes. Besides, they might miss guide us or hold a grudge against one of us and not be able to control themselves. I agree! But, I am very thankful for this sight. I read others stories and I listen to the advise from all of you. You have been and are going through it as I am. Thank You for you ear and advise.

The Priest gave my H a book on sexual addiction and E-Porn. He still is denying any addiction. H believes it was just a release from stress. He first started by being interested on the internet. H felt it was a great way to not pressure me to have S. It then went to ES, to meetings. I believe it has been going on for about 7 years.
I have known about the E-porn for awhile and did not like it, but let it go on. That was my fault. I can be very distant sometimes, and he is hurt from that. I told H that I have to take some blame for some of this, but .... part of me says, none of this is my fault. H just did not comunicate very well. And, what made the first accual meeting OK in his mind? I think he truly thought it was OK because he was not bothering me for it. EEEEKKKK! Was I truly that cold? I think I have been living this story book life in a bubble.

H knows now that he was so very wrong and wants to do anything to make it work. I have not asked how he is doing lately. I know he is working on himself right now. He is also very busy at work. As I am at home doing daycare to make ends meet. $ is a very serious problem right now. Our family business has been hurting for years now and all $ is gone and very negative. H and I carry alot right now. Thank God for meds.

Relapses are my greatest fears right now. Are we on the right track to keep him on the right track?

Thank you for you last line:

"One day at a time, but he gets to put one foot in front of the other because he his committed to you, not because you tell him how to walk."

I was told to forgive my husband and give him to God to take care of. I forgive him but I still do not have total trust. His faith has become non-existent. He is angry at what he has become. I give him to God and only pray he can find his way back. It has to be so lonely without belief, or atleast a belief that he/we are not alone.

OK.... too long!

What is my next step? Time?

Endless thanks!