It's been almost 2 months since D-day and it still haunts me. We are in counseling but the pain just won't go away. I can't believe she did this to me... all I want to do is cry. My best friend betrayed me in the worst possible way and now I just can't feel anything anymore. I can't feel true happiness or joy like I used too. It's not fair that I played the game by the rules and I end up so hurt. I guess nice guys do finish last. I just want to jump off a building at times so the pain will go away.

It hurts when I see her having a good time and I can't because I can't fake it. My feelings are genuine which is one of the reasons I could never have an affair. Everyone would see right through me and know what I did. Maybe that's the reason I turned down the chance at having two affairs... fear of getting caught and hurting my best friend. I have no idea what I would have done if I knew that I would never have gotten caught. Would I have gone through with it or backed off because I love her so much that I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to her? Two different women and I just couldn't do it.

I’ve chosen not to talk about the A to her for a while because she says that talking about it so often doesn’t give her the chance to go through the WD phase because she keeps getting reminded of it. I figure I’ll let her come to me when she wants to and we’ll go from there as she needs. I still feel the need to talk about it, though. I feel like I’m going crazy because by not talking about it the A keeps running through my mind in the worst ways. I’ve had to take more Xanax just to make it through some of the nights. My counselor thinks I should up the dosage of my AD’s. I have a doctor’s appointment this coming Thursday and I’m going to ask him about it.

Good closure is beneficial. Irrational solutions do not work. I am not going to deny that many a BS (including me) thought of ending it. But as you can see, I am still here. So do like what I had t/d, refocus, get closure....see your doctor sooner if need be and move forward.

BTW, if you need to talk about the A, that's the price the Xws must pay. She owes you not you owe her.

take care,
L.

h4f,
Boy i know the feelings you're talking about. I've now been 3 yaers plus past DDay and I can still relate about the feelings you're refering to.
This is not an easy battle and you cannot give up! God still has a plan for us and our pain but you have to understand, He has not completely revealed it to us yet!
There certainly is a plan for what you will do henceforth, and you must give it time to develope.
Look at the real Vets on this website. They give such sound and reasonable advise to newcomers. Do you think, this could ultimately be the role that God wants you to be in?
Don't discount it. As I have stated over and over again, god will not waste your wound!!!!
Give it more time, and you'll see His plan for you. Don't despair, as this is satan's plan for you. You are now at a crossroads and He is waiting for you to choose the right path!
Be strong, my brother, as I have have been in your shoes, and often feel as down and betrayed as you. Think of this as an opportunity to do HIS will and help more people than you could have ever imagined. Including, Me!!!!
Stay strong and all blessings,\
Jerry

It won't get better for a while.

I'm 11 months past D-Day and this F'n affair consumes my thoughts.

One day after D-Day I stuck my 9mm Smith & Wesson in my mouth and nearly pulled the trigger. The only reason I stopped these thoughts were because of my children.

These affairs are the worst, nastiest M'F'n things on the face of the Earth. A WS can NEVER understand, no matter what they say.

I'm past the suicide thoughts, but I did learn the reason I wanted to kill myself was to End the PAIN.

Take care of yourself, #1. Nothing is more important, nothing.

Take care of yourself Physically and Mentally.

Good Luck, it does get better with TIME.

Andrew

Dear Hopeful,
I know what you are going through. My suspicions were confirmed just yesterday by the other woman. Who doesn't love my husband, she says that it was innocent on her part but he fell in love with her.
I am lucky, she is not leaving her husband and does not want mine. Thank you Jesus.
I kept asking god to take me, I just couldn't stand the pain anymore.
After I confronted my husband I told him that I wanted an apology for all the pain and suffering he has caused me with his deception, lies and betrayal. But not now. I wanted it when he was truly sorry. In my eyes, he should be down on his knees begging my forgiveness but it hasn't happened.
Anyhow, I know what you are going through, I have wished for death many times. I now have peace of mind, knowing that she doesn't want my husband, I can now practice plan A without all the crazy suspicious thoughts running through my head. For the first time in months, I am not shaking. I'm curious, do you think that this was like your wife to betray you, or were you totally blown away like me, because my husband has always been honorable, and led himself with dignity and despised people that cheated?

h4f

Dont let that stinkin OM win by default, get up spit in his eye and take back your life.

Needs meds then get them, see a IC and work on you.

No matter all the talk about fixing your M its in the end your call now.
Running away from the pain doesn't work, neither does drinking.

So get yourself ok and then see if you can do the hard work, because it will be hard and YES your W owes you any talk or answers you seek. However understand that this very point is so hard for many to give.
Mostly its shame and remorse and fear that the truth will drive you away. Sometimes they simply want you to forget it ever happened ...like that is going to happen.

Its hard so get yourself fit for the battle, that is what its like too.
Just don't give up.

H4f,

How are you doing? Did you read all your response? Bob Pure knows of an actual case where the BS killed himself. It was very sad. If you want, I can ask Bob to help you through this crisis. Oh forget that thought, I am gonna ask him anyways..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Please respond.

L.

Hi H4F

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess.
And if you are anything like me, I think the source is your insulted manhood. Another man has taken what was promised to you. Was GIVEN what ws promised to you.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying H4F. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to wail and wallow in pain like MIKE did. Click on MIKE to read his story. This will remove your life from the pain, but not the pain from your life.
2. Divorce your WW while you are in pain and not thinking straight. Even God allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divirce doesn;t remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.

H4F your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your self, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever any of you decides now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. take control of yourself and spread your calm through your lives. be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge H4F ?

I think so.

All blessings

Still alive.... and still hurting. Not going to do anything stupid.

Good. What do you think about Bob's post?

L.

wheni first discovered my husband was having an affair with a married woman with children-i threw him out (one whole weekend...yeah...that made an impression)

that weekend i wrote goodbye letters to my family...i put thier picturesall around my bedroom so they would know that the were in my thoughts...i put my favorite jewelry in envelopes with my family members names on each one so they wouldhave something to remember me by...and i had a bottle of sleeping pills ready and waiting

the only thing that saved me was deciding to let my husband come home-he begged for forgivness and said he was sorry..he did all the right things

and for 8 months we were happier than we had been in so long...

then he started seeing her again...(i didn't know-he just said he was not happy and i believed him)

now he's been gone for 15 months and just a few weeks ago i found out that she was the reasn he decided to leave and now he lives near her and has continued to see her.

she may have left her husband recently and moved in with him...i'm not sure

i still have the letters i wrote...i still have the sleeping pills...i still think about ending this pain

i don't know what's kept me going this long...i think it's the belief that he will again come home and do all the right things

i haven't allowed myself to stop believing this..i can't

i does help to hear that this pain is too much for any person to bear and it helps to hear from those who have made it through.

just checking on you!

Thanks everyone... I'll be fine in time. Undo and I are making plans to go to Colorado next month for a long weekend getaway. I went to school there and her first time was when I took her there a few years ago. She loved it so much that she was looking at homes on the internet when we got back to Chicago.

I guess that's what it takes... plan for the future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />