I am new to this forum and like many at my wits end as to what to do about my maerriage,
Although bumping aling with the occasional peak for the last couple of years.
It was recently noticed every time I went out my wife went to see the man across the road, whe I asked what was happening , Oh it was council work ( they are both on the local council) or she was conforting him as he had recently been widowed ( I was also widowed 11 years ago so know what It is like, he also had a unhappy marriage and she had commited suicide I was the first person he called when it was found out)
This continued for some time then the two of them went off on holiday to his spanish villa I was suposedly invited but my wife thought I would be too busy. I was told days before they went so was unable to do anything about getting leave flights etc. so off they went.
I have found many of these exclusions .
His next door neibour comented some time ago to a mutual friend what is going on as he had noticed she would be over there as soon as my back was turned.
This same mutual friend has also approached him asking what is going on when he was told what might be regarded as private affairs between my wife and myself. so it is obvious she opened her heart to him and he passed it on to all and sundery.

They both deny having an affair as I confronted both of them following a public snub.
Tis is obviously a unhealthy situation, probably at the emotional affair side .

What would be my next step
I have been to see a counsilor my wife refused saying it me that has the problem.
what next

Paul

Hello,

First of all your wife is disrespecting you in the worst possible way. How do you think your wife would be acting if the roles were reversed in that every time she left, you immediately went over some other women's home? How do you think your wife would be acting if you told her you were going to spend a holiday at this women's villa while she stayed at home?

Honestly I cannot believe that you allowed her to go and spend a holiday with this neighbor at his villa leaving you at home because she knew you would not be able to go with her. Good grief, what do you think they were doing on this vacation at his villa? You allow her to go with her apparent lover to spend a vacation with him at his villa? How could you be in such denial. I would have told her if she goes then expect the locks to be changed when she returned and you were planning to see a lawyer. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

The neighbors talk about her inappropriate behavior immediately going to his home to hang out with him when you leave and then flies out to spend vacation with him at his villa?
She is making you look like a total fool. You cannot accept this type of humiliating behavior. She is acting like she is single. I would seek out marriage counseling and demand no contact with this person period. I would also inform her that you will be seeking out an attorney if this behavior does not change. I just can't believe that you accepted her to be with this man alone on vacation. What were you thinking? Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? Her behavior is totally unacceptable and your tolerance of this behavior is equally unacceptable. Please open your eyes before it is too late. If I were you I would be worried about STD's. I am sorry to be so blunt but she is playing you very badly and disrespecting you horribly. I wish you luck but you will need it if you allow her behavior to continue.

First of all I would like to say welcome to MB and that I'm sorry you had to come here.

I to am a BS and I know the pain you are going through. Your W is obviously at least in a EA if not a PA. The OM has probably been meeting some of her EN that maybe you have not been meeting. You need to sit her down and talk about this.

As for her going to OM villa on vacation? That is a huge indicator right there. You need to talk to your W and be blunt and straight forward with questions you need to have answered. If she is indeed involved in an A, you can expect all kind of excuses and what they call "fog babble".

If there is an A going on, the first thing that needs to be done is NC with the OM. This is usually the hardest for the WS to due because of the feelings and EN's the OM was meeting. You need to come up with a good plan A and try to let your W end the A herself (of course with you insisting on the NC policy). Your W will probably go into a slight depression during this phase. This is normal, it's called "going through withdrawl". You might go into depression also, go an see a doc for some meds if need be to help you pull through this.

Read everything you can on this site and try to get your W on here to read the same articles. I would also try to get her into MC or at least IC. Find a good counselor, as there are a lot of bad ones out there that I've heard of.

Also how long have you two been married? This could factor in how badly you want this M to survive.

All of us are here for you and there are a lot of vets on here that can probably help more than I can. Try posting on the General Questions board, there are a lot more people in that forum. The weekends tend to be a little slow so don't get discouraged that no one is repling to your post, it will pick up come Monday.

All of these suggestions above, are of course, if the worst case scenario is true in that you W is having an A.

My best wishes to you in these troubled times. Also I find it almost therapy to look around and see that my story is not as bad as some, and these are people that have worked through it and having their M become stronger because of the A. It's kind of ironic that such a tragedy as an A can bring the problems in one's M to the surface so they can be fixed.

Take care of yourself and remember to eat, sleep, and treat your body good. You need to be in good physical condition, because your mental condition can tear you down.

Thanks lads
It is very hard at the moment she still denies the Emotional affair and is expecting me to apologise to her for accusing her of it
However all the evidence is their, and even yesterday another neighbour came round My wife was on her way out on council business with 2 other councilors one being the OM. When he saw me on the doorstep he beat a hasty retreat saying he was unwell, The other neighbour then mentioned what is going on I said your guess she then mentioned that quite often she would try and contact us and if I was not there She would always be with the OM, and also thought it odd she went on holiday with him.
I think yester day was another turning point in my favour as I dont want to loose her, I am trying to get her to talk to sort out all our problems.
I lost one wife due to death which was uery hard to get to terms withbut is final, to lose one to another person I dont know if I could handle it.
I will probably look for advice on other threads
Paul

Great Post RoughStart

In my opinion (IMO) an Affair is happening,

You are in the right place (MB) but posting on the wrong board. As stated, go to General questions II board for more activity.

Your wife will never admit an affair. You must accumulate and bust her with indesputable evidence. They have face to face so email, phone records, cell phone snooping probably won't work. However, a voice activated digital recorder and a lot of batteries may do the trick. Although she goes over to his house mostly, you can bet you'll get some information by recording in your house. (just say your running up to the store for 10 minutes and she'll get on the phone cause there is not enough time for her to run over there, then give her 20 minutes to talk...that may just be enough time to get the conversation you want).

Also, ignore what you end up hearing. It may be really bad. Remember most affairs do not end in divorce. If you want to save your marriage apply the MB principles and you can. However, it is your actions and your behavior which controls whether you actually get the chance to save it so read up.

Once you do get the info then you can confront her with enough of it to convince her you hired a private investigator or set up a video camera and fool her that you know everything. Then she will spill the beans on it all without you having to reveal your true source nor the limits on the information you have. You will need to maintain secrecy on the recorder as it may be your only source of information when you hopefully have to monitor for NO CONTACT in the future. (Look for snooping/spying threads on the general board)

Finally, is moving an option for you? Once affair is revealled you must sell your home and move away from the Other Man (OM) to have any chance to recover your marriage. You will never be able to work on your marriage (so counseling is out) until you bust up the affair and achieve NO CONTACT. Without NO CONTACT you might as well call it divorce counseling and/or flush your money down the toilet.

Sorry for your situation. You will make it. I wish/hope I'm wrong but I doubt it.

Mr. Wondering

Paul - sorry to say that's all I need to hear to confirm it for you. If and when you read all the "is she having an affair" type threads, If and when you read "surviving an affair" by Dr. Harley, and finally based upon my personal experience === Every wayward wife (WW) will become offended when accused of having an affair. The best defense is a good offense. Asking you to apologize is sooooo familiar to nearly everyone on this site.

It's not 99.99%, which is why you must get proof. But asking/questioning her will do you no good. She will deny, deny, deny. You must get proof and have the patience and emotional control to accumulate it.

I recommend apologizing and acting as though nothing is wrong. You don't want her going more secretive...you want her to feel comfortable that she's got you fooled. Then Plan A and investigate. Read everything you can on this site. Order, go to library or sit in Borders for 2 hours and read Surviving an Affair (details on main website).

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

You must have gone to other board. We just missed each other. It's 2:30 am here in Detroit. Going to bed. Hope you see this tonight so you get some help when you most need it. Keep your head up...it's not your fault and you don't deserve this.

Good night,

Mr. Wondering

Thanks again
I was thinking of setting up the digital webcam to take shots every 10seconds,as for the moving away bit the situation is he has his house on the market and as soon as the coroners inquest is done next month over his wifes death he will be gone to his villa in Spain. What i am worried about is that with her not talking and delaying things it gives her the excuse to hop it as well. I need to stop this from happening I am trying to get her in to see a counsilor.
I will read thru some of the General topics to get a feel of what is discussed ther befor posting

Paul

I'd suggest getting your evidence/proof, implementing Plan A immediately. You want to be a nice as possible considering the circumstances and even though you have the right to be pissed off. With proof the threat of exposure to your kids, families, the local counsel, etc. should be enough to keep her here then the distance between them will be overwhelming and eventually you will overcome it with MB principles.

Was the Other Man's wife's death under suspicious circumstances? If he was having an affair with your wife before her death that sounds fishy.

good luck and good night again
Mr. Wondering

The webcam shots will only show Physical activity in your house. The voice recorder will get conversations. Much more likely to discover the truth.

I can already here her telling you she's going to visit her "friend" again at his villa, once he's there. The "friend" excuse is another Wayward Wife tried and true trick.

Nothing takes place at our house all over the road.thus the web cam.
All she has said is that she is conforting him due to him losing his wife for a fact I dont think he misses her at all especially under the circumstances she had a spending problem and run up huge debts, she did it once before and he took her back but I dont think she could face it again especially as it would have all come into the open if they had moved to spain thus the theory of suiside ( drug levels in test are well above those expected even from an accidental overdose).
I keep tags on the outgoing calls her mobile she keeps well away from me. He did however do one mistake in sending a message to the wrong person meant for her. As I say I needto get her talking.
Paul