OMG - I am in a state of shock.


My WW and I planned a nice evening together and it went great until an hour ago - ABSOLUTE DISASTER!!!!

We went out for a real nice dinner and then for drinks. Everything was going great. We came home preparing to make love (so I thought). She did a complete about face and went downstairs. I came downstairs to find her on the phone with the OM. We argued, she stormed out of the house and now I am home alone with her being with the OM. I am devastated. I am sorry I needs many words of support and advice.

Absolutely devastated.......

Yeouch...

Man... been there... that sucks so bad. I remember a lot of that kind of thing from when my W was having her affair... and I really feel for you.

I wish I could find some words to make you feel better... not sure there are any... except maybe that there will come a time when all this is just a memory...

Hang in there.

I'm online for a good hour or so. If you are around, post back.

John

Thanks Dewt,

Can I assume based on your experience, that the marriage is done or a least 99.9% done. God, it is 4:20 am and I can't even call anyone.

No it's not done, it's just got a lot more serious. Cancel your business trip and plan on being home this week. As Melody and Carmen said:



Having a plan will help you control you and not focus on her. She is no longer the person that was your wife. She's a cake eating fence rider, at best. You only owe it to yourself to stick around and try to make this work. I have seen it over and over again on this site. Your marriage is very savable. No guarantees but with a MB plan in place (call Steve Harley yourself)if it does end you will have no regrets because you gave it every effort.

I'm going to post this and keep typing in case you're still there.

Ok, GWN, I just went and read your first posts...

It's my opinion that you are at a crucial stage right now. This is the way I see it. You'll have to correct me if you think I'm wrong on any of the following points.

Firstly, your wife is basically a decent person. Her reaction after D-day gave me the impression that she's not happy with herself over this affair. She's also not thrilled about having hurt you.

She said she wants to save the marriage. This is a pretty good sign, but doesn't mean much if the proper steps aren't taken and a solid plan for recovery isn't in place.

It is fairly common for contact to resume even after the affairees break it off. At MB, the preferred method for breaking off an affair is what's called a No Contact letter. It's great that she broke it off over the phone, but obviously that's not enough. You can find many examples of the format of a NC letter here. If you like, we can get you some links...

Exposure. You fear your wife's reaction to exposure. That gives me the impression that this could be your single most powerful tool in this battle. You think she will blow her top. Excellent. Do it. Do it now. Expose to family, friends, anyone and everyone who may have an influence in her thinking. Read a bit here about it, so that you are sure you are doing it correctly, but DO NOT HESITATE to expose. Again, as far as I know it is THE MOST EFFECTIVE TOOL against the affair. You are right, she will probably freak out. They all do. But they also get over it.

What Melody said about marriage counselling before the affair is over is correct. Her recommendation that you spend the money on a session or two with a Harley is also very solid advice. If you can afford it, it would be money VERY well spent.

I would recommend not going on this upcoming business trip. Not only for the obvious reasons, but also because it would probably be very hard for you to be effective on this trip while things are so messed up at home. You will also be sending the message to your W that your marriage is important enough for you to stay home and deal with things. You seemed to think that she'd be upset if you stayed home. Good. Stay home. I personally don't think she had plans to use this time for some important introspection.

As for you, read read read... get yourself educated. Learn specifically about Plan A. Make no mistake about it. What you are going through now is ****** on earth, and the pain you are going through could very easily bring you to a place where you are as much a danger to this marriage as she is.

If you need links, just ask. If you need anything, just ask. We are all here to help.

So... GreatWhiteNorth, eh? Yer Canadian?

John

Based on my experience, and on the limited amount of info I have on your situation, I would be very hopeful for a complete recovery of your marriage. A lot depends on how you handle things.


If you need/want to talk, I'll send you my email. I'm in Kingston, Ontario...

Thanks Dewt and Wonderings,

Your encouragement is good. The exposure will begin, I think I will limit it to the people that can have an influence on her, which is probably everyone but my parents and my sister.


ps I have a very good friend come over in the middle of night to lend me support, I am blessed with a great bunch of friends who will do anything for me.

Ya, you westerners frikken rock. I went out to Revelstoke this past Jan after losing my brother and the friendships I saw out there totally blew my mind. The personalities, the people, the loyalty and selfless giving of themselves... I've never ever seen anything like it anywhere else.

Don't limit yourself too much. The wider the exposure, the better. The sooner, the better. (My exposure letter went out to about 50 people, many of them complete strangers to me - I had a forwarded email from OP and basically emailed my letter to OP's ENTIRE address book- it was devastating)

Dewt,

Is there any examples of these letters on the site, or what would you suggest to write.


ps I am so sorry about the loss of your brother.

The percentage that your marriage is done is about the same as anybodies here. Most marriages DO NOT END. However, much of the success of busting up this affair, getting your wife out of the fog, over withdrawal and into recovery IS GOING TO BE your burden and responsibility (as the only sane person in this marriage currently).

I anticipate when your wife calls or make contact next with you will have a big impact. What I'm about to say is counter-intuitive as you have every right to ignore it, and every right to break stuff, yell and scream, threating divorce, breakdown, cry, whatever. However, I suggest only, it's wasting your time. She manipulating you and behaving irrationally so you trying to manipulate her and act as a child (as I myself did on D-Day) will not help get her back. Man up. Maintain you dignity by following the Plan. Expose, Expose, Expose ... an angry wife in your face is something your marriage can survive. Do not raise your voice (if you can help it), charge nuetral (meaning ask questions with a calm collected voice and just listen (keep the snide, judgmental remarks to yourself and express them here later as we'll understand them...they will have no effect on her). She is expecting major conflict. Catch her off guard with discussion and she can come clean with everything. There's likely a lot more to this than she's exposed. She will, I repeat will, try to blame all or most of this on you. That's called Fog Babble. Ignore it and continue on with your questions... and listening. Tend to agree with her because you can't convince her otherwise...move to the next question or reverse babble her.

When she says...I warned you that you were neglecting me and this might happen, it's your fault .. you say, yes dear, that's why I'm canceling my trip this week.

I'm got to go back to bed in a minute..there are plenty of threads on reverse babble to look up.

Call her parents after you've read a few threads on Exposure and how to do it. It's not revenge, you express you desire to expose in hopes of saving your marriage and ask for support in helping save your marriage.

DEVELOPE AND STICK TO A PLAN...YOU HAVE CHOICES NOW...YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER NOR THE SITUATION ONLY YOURSELF

YOU ARE A VALUABLE MAN...YOUR WIFE HAS MADE A HUGE MISTAKE...DESPITE YOUR FAILINGS IN THIS MARRIAGE YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS....YOU WILL MAKE IT...WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR WIFE YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Mr. Wondering (again late and posted without preview)

I personally did not expose. I wish I had as Mrs. Wondering now informs me I would have ended her affair much quicker. However, even if I had exposed I would have held off on exposing to my family.

The Mother in law/Daughter in Law dynamics already had enough conflict. Sure they could have supported me (I told them we were having troubles eventually but not the details). My parents would have had no influence on breaking up the affair which is what has to be done before any restoration of your marriage.

Good luck, now going back to bed

Mr. Wondering (Go Red Wings)

GWN, thanks for the condolences. It was a hard hit. My bro and I were very close. He was a pro snowboarder and got taken out by an avalanche. Occupational hazard. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mr Wondering, awesome post!

Ok... as for the exposure letter, the idea is to keep it simple. No need for too many details. Here's a basic exposure letter:


Feel free to post yours here for review before you send it if you want.

Thanks dewt...sorry about your bro...was he extreme (only ask because I went to high school here in Detroit area with Gordy Pifer(sp?))

dewt - glad there's more than just me here at this hour as I am no pro and this hoser needs help.

Short thought on exposure letter. Keep it short and sweet as posted by dewt. No sense in rambling on. Straight and to the point sounds more strong and resolute.

Your wife may demonstrate alot of pride over hiding a lot of guilt. OM makes her feel good about herself. He is her drug of choice. You could have said.."about to make love, had a fight...catch her on the phone with her crack dealer and she's out the door".

Anticipate her (false) pride getting in her way of expressing her guilt, remorse, etc. Once exposed she will tell you she could never get back with you now ...it would be to embarrassing...you ruined it. She will follow that with "thank you...now that it is out in the open to everyone, I don't have to keep it a secret...you drove me directly into his arms...thanks. GWN - It's fog babble, they all say it...what's great is the smile on your face when they do...because you're prepared...she will ask you why you grinned...and be stunned...I told my wife I could read her mind...she was a part of me and I knew what she was thinking and feeling...It blew her mind. I told her her feelings were not unique...I had read a book and every affair is about the same. I told her the OM is not your soulmate...I am...Affairs don't destroy marriages they make them stronger... Finally, don't push counseling, invoke moral judgments, or act desparate...if she is at all remorseful don't necessarily ask for everything you merely want her to agree to give you a chance..if you can reach her fogged out mind.

Don't mention Divorce (even if you think you want to sit on it and think about it for awhile...give yourself time). For now YOU DO MARRIAGE.

Many here have made wives get STD tests, sleep in other rooms, etc.. That's your call but do inquire about what they used for protection. If you want to save marriage (or think you may) - don't throw her out and don't leave or move out yourself.

Careful of advice you get from friends as they are biased and unfamiliar with the dynamics of affairs.

Your plan is to include getting intel on your enemy. Google him, Expose (ask the ones you expose to if they know anyone else that can help).

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

He used to be extreme. One of the pioneers of the extreme side of the sport. Family life and damaged knees calmed him down quite a bit. He was big on riding in the back country, and very knowledgeable in regards to the dangers of avalanches. I have some peace based on the fact that it wasn't stupidity or ignorance. Here's his website: www.noboard.ca

Very few of us here are pros, all we can offer is support based on our experiences. I thought your postings were/are awesome and am glad you're here too. Me? My claim to fame is that I've made so many mistakes and messed things up in ways that most people haven't even thought of yet.

What you said about the Waywards initial reaction to exposure is bang on. I loved what you said about reading minds... it's true how incredibly predicable the wayward can be. Right down to the exact words used...

I want to take the opportunity to second something you said...


That is so true. The way I see it, GWN, your job right now is to act like a lighthouse... be strong, stable, a guiding safe light for your W to follow back home.

J

No no no it's not. After a great night with my H, I would run and chat with Om telling him about the progress H and i had made.

With my H, we would have a great night, and at the end he would be distant and end up in the basement online with OW.
He actually left me for her.

And now here we are - happily recovering, making changed, and in love again...

Its not over until it's over.

Listen to the fine folks here who tell you how Plan A and Plan B work, and don't half it - go 100% with these plans, get strong, be the person your wife wants...and hang in there, there still can be a happy ending...

Just a small update:

WW phone me this morning with a unlisted number on call-display. She said she was going to keep this short, she told me she was OK, I asked her if she was with the OM and of course she said no. I think she called more to see my reaction rather than to assure me she is OK. Not that it matters in either case.

Thanks for all the kind words, I could certainly use more as well any further advice with exposure.

I am awake again, showered and running around with my wife today. DD5 is up north (Michigan) with GP so quality marriage time.

Anyway, I never did exposed but had prepared for it. In my wife's email account I had copied an email from OM wherein he had sent a joke to about 25 people in his address book. What a great place to start. Her parents are another good place but remember in the long run blood is thicker than mud so only communicate what I said this morning and hope but not insist on their help.

Investigate OM. It helps to know your enemy. I got my WW to tell me all sorts of crap about him. Make sure he's not some violent type that you need yourself to worry about protection.

Keep a journal. Lets you vent frustration and document conversations. Your WW will contradict herself sometimes and with your mind in a whirlwind it's nice to have a place where the facts are located. Her lies will get all twisted around her head and confused. She is still in the affair and you will get nothing but denials from her. SNOOP. Try to not get caught nor reveal your sources. After I discovered things I'd wait a few days to discuss so she had no idea where, when, how the I got the intel. She's living moment to moment in her fantasy so it's not that hard for you to hide.

Got to go, Mr. Wondering

WW came home this morning. I sure she spent all the time with the OM since Saturday. I asked if she did and she denied it. She doensn't want to talk and insists that I go on this business trip. I told her that I only want to work on the marriage, the money (from the business trip) is not important. Also, I asked really why she wanted me to go...was it so that it is easier to continue this affair.

She told me I am crazy, I said she has been a good example to follow. She also asked me if "assuming if I was with this guy, why would you want to stay with me" I said it is important for me to save this marriage. She told me she is surprised how calm I am and why I am not hurt. I replied I do hurt but I don't think it is productive to be upset when we are trying to communicate.

She insists that she will not talk to me this week. My question is, do I force this or let her come to me? As you can tell, she doesn't like confrontation.

Unfortunately I don't think you can force much of anything now. Just my opinion. She is probably so pissed at herself for her behavior Sat.. She thought she could wait to you left and maintain the secrecy of the affair but she screwed it up. BTW they all do this - they are not thinking rationally. What sucks is you stay home and she just leaves for a few days. However, it will give you a chance to read up and work on your plan.

You did great. Awesome reverse babble. The "crazy" line is classic. Remember one thing though she is having a romantic passionate secret love affair with OM and your lack of emotion and control, although great, to a wayward wife indicates a little bit that you don't love her that much. It's part of their crazy thinking. You can bet OM is feeding her BS about how irate he'd be and a little bit of women's mentality gets off on this. My suggestion. Break something. You can do it calmly but tell her you did it in anger as a release. Then you can again calmly discuss things with her but she can see a physical demonstration of your hurt/love for her. Just an idea.

Also, even being together not talking is productive. So stay home and try. Threats of continued exposure should get her talking. Hopefully you've done some. She's bound to yell at you when she finds out.

good luck, Mr. Wondering