I've been posting over on the Emotional Needs board for about a month. I have 2 threads over there -- If anyone knows how to link them to this thread, I'd appreciate the help.

Anyway, I've been with BF for 14 years, but we never did get married. He had an A about 6 years ago. We got through it and moved on. About a month ago, he tells me he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I tell him I want to try to work things out. He says he doesn't think there's anything left to save, but he'll think about it. To complicate the issue, I'm a teacher and have summers off. He's a firefighter with a work schedule that give him 5 days off in a row each week. We have a summer place about 2 hours away from our home on a lake where I spend the entire summer and he comes up for his 5 days off.

Well, this summer I hardly ever saw him. Lots of excuses about overtime work and other excuses. Then, the past month, he just cliamed he needed time to think and clear his head. We did have regular phone contact though. Then this past week I talked to him on Monday, then didn't hear from him again at all. Thursday rolled around and I decided to pack up the summer place and come home to see what was going on (this was a few days earlier than I planned. I planned on coming home for good today - Sunday).

I didn't call and leave him a message about coming home. I just showed up. Well, the house was empty and there was no sign of life at all. Some of his things were missing, but not alot. I could tell he was home Monday to go through mail and pay bills. I called him and he claimed he has been staying at the fire station.

I asked him to come home and talk to me. He refused. He kept trying to get me off the phone claiming he needed to think and he'd call me back later. He ended up text messaging me saying he still needed time to think. Friday I decided to do a little snooping around. Found some weird charges to restaurants on his credit card bill. Then I accessed a website online where he rents airplanes from (he just got his private pilots license in July). I found a detailed list on all the plane rentals, times, dates, and destinations. He's been flying all over the place. Only took me up once the middle on July. It showed he bought an extra headset -- not for me! Then under personal info it gave his name, address, phone, email... and wait... also alternate email --- hmmm... IT WAS HERS (THE OW for 6 years ago! -- I knew because it was her first and middle ititial and last name -- BUSTED!)

So I call his cell phone and leave a message that he needs to call me back NOW. 3 hours later he calls back. I tell him I know everything... His only question is "how"? He admits it and says that he's living with her now. I ask him to come home to talk face to face. He refuses. We talk some more... then we get cut off (not sure if he hung up or his phone died -- but we were cut off mid sentence). I call his phone back -- no answer, leave a message that we're not done talking. Nothing. Call again, leave another message -- nothing. That was Friday night. Now it's Sunday morning-- still haven't heard from him.

I did call some guys I know that work with him (used to be friends but he's not friends with them anymore-- but I trust them). Told them everything. Emailed his mother -- told he he broke up with me and moved out -- didn't mention the OW though.

What should I do??? I can't eat. I haven't slept. I'm a wreck. Oh, I did ask him on the phone Friday how long this has been going on... he said since January somewhat, but then alot this summer. I also asked him how many other times he has cheated on me... he said a few. I asked when... he said he really doesn't remember.

Help Me Please!!!

Snoopy

Bump

Is anybody out there? I really need some advice... Please.

Snoopy

Plan B with no expectation of reconciliation.

Do you have children with your BF Snoopy ?

Snoopy,

I'm so very sorry that you are feeling this......

Just to help us all get an idea of what kind of R this was, can you tell us why you two had not gotten M'ed?

Also, what was the 'recovery' from his first A? Did you two 'forget' about it - work through it - get counseling - etc? And did he take full responsibility for it?

Just trying to get some background.

Stay strong....

LIT

Thanks for the replies.

b0b pure - nope, we have no children.

L.I.T. - Honestly, I've wanted to get married for quite a while, but BF never felt he was ready. We've been living together for the past 5.5 years. At the time of his first A, we were not living together. Our recovery from his first A wasn't ideal. I went to IC. He didn't want to get counseling together. We basically just forgot about it and tried to move on. He actually would get very angry if I brought the A up in conversation, so while it still really bothered me, I just tried my best to let it go and forgive him. It was very hard and it took me a couple years to work through it and trust him again. About 6 months after the A ended, he sold his house and he bought a condo for us to live in together. During the A, the OW spent alot of time at his house so I had issues with even setting foot in the place. I looked at him selling it as a big step in our recovery.

As far as taking responsibilty for the A, I would say that no he never really did.

I'm just at a loss now that he has done it AGAIN with the same girl who he promised never to have contact with again.

He sent me an email last night (first contact since D-Day). He is already detailing out how we should split things up. He says he feels so sorry for doing this to me and wants to make this as easy on me as possible. He wants me to consider buying our condo from him for whatever I can afford. He says he doesn't care about getting market value. He just wants to make sure I have a safe place to live where I feel comfortable. I emailed him back (probably shouldn't have) and told him that I thought he should take some more time and really think through whether or not he wants to throw away everything we have worked so hard for. I told him that my finded out has forced him to make a decision that he was not ready to make... and that he needs to really think this out. So far he hasn't responded.

I just went to my doctor today for my annual physical and got a prescription for prozac and a tranquilzer. I know medicating myself isn't the answer... I just want to be able to get a little sleep without my mind racing and making it worse.

Good news is that I also went into work today to work on setting up my classroom (I teach 1st grade). It felt good to be back. School starts next Tuesday, so I know it won't be long until I have a MAJOR distraction in my life... 20 little 6 year olds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Snoopy

I'm glad your on AD, they sure can help. I know things are very hard right now, but you're only good choice is plan B. If he does come back, you need to set boundries, whatever makes you safe, mandatory counseling, moving to another state. Please start IC. Regretfully, because this is the same ow from before, this really isn't a good sign.

Since this is a marriage builders site, many here probably wonder why you never married. I'm not judging, but marriage is quite a commitment, and although living together and the long history you have, he never married you. I hope you find the strength to move on. I will be thinking of you. Please spend time with friends and family.

Even though we were never married, after 14 years it feels like a marriage to me. I know many will disagree with me here, but in my eyes, I've always viewed him as my partner for life. I can't imagine my feelings for him being any different if we actually had gotten married. I love him very much and have always pictures us being together forever.

Being back at work the past couple days has helped tremendously. I'm always eagerly waiting for the AD to kick in... just started this morning. I don't really have much family (parents have passed away in the past couple years -- just one sister who has been very supportive). My friends have been great so far. It's just so hard coming home to an empty house. I haven't spoken to him since Friday (phone) and haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. That's the hardest part... when you are used to being with someone and talking to them on a daily basis... and then they are gone. It's just so hard to take... the loneliness at night is almost unbearable.

Snoopy

While I was at work today, BF came home took his mail and his Harley. He claims (thru email) that he took it to get an oil leak fixed. I wonder if he'll bring it back home once he fixes it.

He also wrote that he felt I crossed a line my emailing his mother. I only told his mom that he broke up with me and moved out. I didn't even mention the A or that he was living with the OW.

He ended the email by asking me how my classroom was coming and whether I was done setting it up. He usually never asks me about work, so this question kinda surprised me.

I was so upset when I got home and saw the motorcycle missing in the garage... I hate this so much. One other strange thing, was that he must have stayed to pay the bills here. His checkbook is still here -- I thought for sure he would have taken it. He is also very organized with everything. He keeps all of his paystubs filed in a drawer in our kitchen. As of yesterday. the top stub (most current) was Aug 11... now the stub from Aug 18 has arrived too. So at least he must feel this is still somewhat his home or why would he have not taken all this with him.

Also, no clothes were missing (only a pair of jeans to ride the motorcycle in)... everything else, including his hairbrushes and cologne is still here... just BF is missing!

What should I make of all of this? I want so bad to see hope in this situation...

Snoopy

Anyone have any advice for me? I really need it... I'm a wreck. Thanks in advance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you read this book?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html

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buyer ... committed to providing exclusive and permanent care in a romantic relationship

Snoopy73b - Considering the emotional differences between men and women I'm not surprised that you "invested" emotionally in him while he has not done the reverse. Why should he? He gets all the "benefits" of being married with NONE of the responsibilities and commitments because YOU were willing to have "part of him, but not all of him."

So, if I can be a little "unfeeling and cruel" for a minute in order to hopefully "make a point" that you will understand.....why not simply continue your "live in" arrangement with him where you can have part of him and the OW can have part of him?" You don't think he's about to give a "full commitment" to either of you, do you?

Honestly..."the 10 most stupid things women do to mess up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger should be required reading.

I know you don't want to hear this, but in my humble opinion, no matter how much it hurts temporarily, you need to let this opportunistic man go. He is SO into whatever HE wants that it will justify any behavior he wants in his mind.

But, if you are determined to try to "win back" the partial (not total) commitment you had previously, or possibly even gain a "total commitment" from him, then the only way to do that is to go to Plan B. Let the OW meet ALL of his needs. He, and everything of his at your place, goes out the door NOW.

IF, and only IF, he were to repent and want to "come back," it would require dating (from separate residences) first, and a commitment to Marriage first, should you ever "live together under one roof" again.

Read up on Plan A, Plan B, Emotional Needs, etc. so you will get a thorough understanding of the basics.

Bottom line, you have to get YOUR head out of "Fantasy Land" and into reality just as fast as you can.

It doesn't sound good. Your BF sounds like my WH, he hasn't taken hardly anything, wants to be friends, and won't address his A. He's checked out but left me holding the bag. I think your BF has done the same.

I do not know what state you live in but there is a good chance that you ARE married. Laws vary betweeen different places but you could be part of a common law marriage. You have rights. Take everything you can.

There is a lot of significance to the fact that BF would never commit and actually marry you. If marriage and a family are what you want, you need to look past this guy. He's strung you a long for a long time. I'm sorry I can't be more positive.

Good luck with your 1st graders. That's such a cute age.

I checked the laws in my state for common law marriage... no luck - there is no common law marriage in my state. He has proposed a deal to me through email of how he wants to handle our financial situation and property. He is really being very generous to the point that he would be taking a major hit (not sure why). I guess he just wants out.

I'm up at our summer place now -- drove up today. Thought I should enjoy the last weekend of summer. We had a 2nd Harley up here... it's gone. A friend said he came and got it on Tuesday. Also said they saw him and a couple of his guy friends out on our boat. At least he didn't bring OW up here. Some of his clothes are gone from here. I'm just so sad. I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks (3 days total in the past month). Haven't talked to him in a week. He'll only communicate through email. He still hasn't faced me since I found out about his A (last Friday). I really think he's gone for good and I am so damn scared. I miss him so much and I thought coming up here would be good for me, but I can't stop crying.

Snoopy

Snoopy,
I am so sorry.

It does not help seeing all his stuff around the house, I know. Maybe you can find one place in the house to put it all in where you don't have to look at it. I put everything that was H's into the basement. There is enough to remind you of the loss without all his cloths and such around.

I have to agree with the other posters. If you wanted M and he did not there is something strange there. I think plan B is one way to go, but I think part of plan B is that you must be ready to let go. You have only had such a short time to deal with this, that I really don't think you are ready to accept that reconsiliation may not happen.

Further, I think him coming by the house and treating it as his home is not right. It doesn't matter that he bought it for the two of you. It means he gets to have OW's house and your house to move around freely. That is cake eating. Don't let him get away with it. Please don't let him walk over you just because you are hurting. Take time, reflect.

Many many hugs!!!!
Daisy

Daisy,

The worst part is he comes by to take things (out of both homes) when he knows I'm not there. I still haven't seen him face to face since I found out about the A. I have spoken to him on the phone just once to let him know that I knew about the A. The rest of our contact has been through email. It just sucks so bad. I'm totally not ready to accept that he is gone and not coming back. I am so lonely all the time. Last night I think I cried for like 4 hours straight. I just can't handle this.

Snoopy

Snoopy, I know what you are feeling, but I'd like you to think about this behavior of his a little more. Just another example of his "ducking" the "music," the consequences, the reality, of what his actions are doing. You should see this as proof of two things that may help you to "get over the loss of him" a little quicker. First, HE doesn't not, and never did, consider himself married to you. He used you as long as it was "comfortable" and satisfied his perception of what he wanted from you(including easy and available sex). Second, he is a major Conflict Avoider and as many folks here on MB can tell, can be a major problem in a marriage that often leads to "dumb choices and infidelty. It's his personality type, and without a commitment from him, he's not likely to change.

So once again, let me tell you that IF you want to try to salvage this self-centered person for yourself, YOU are going to have to do the very hard task of going to a total Plan B. Cut off ALL communication, make it difficult for him to contact you. If it's possible, have a "go between" for vital messages, but no direct contact. Personally I don't think you could handle direct contact, you aren't mad enough yet. You are still crying hard when you start thinking about the "loss." Yes, it is a loss. There's no doubt about it. But it may very well have a "silver lining" for you as you will now learn what healthy marital relationships are like, what Emotional Needs are like, what personal Standards and Boundaries are...in short, through the pain of this experience you are going to grow and blossom like you can't imagine. I know, you can't see that right now, but I'm sure there are enough others on MB who have experienced it for themselve that they, too, will tell you the same thing.

God bless.

Snoop,

Plan B, go dark on him, change the locks on the condo! As far as his things, put them in the garage, ontop of the oil stain from the Harley!

Block his email address from your email account.

""I also asked him how many other times he has cheated on me... he said a few. I asked when... he said he really doesn't remember.""

This seems like a very casual remark!! Like asking "how many beers have you had?" "Oh, just a few" when it really was a 12 pack.

I think your boy is a philanderer. Studly fireman that prowls around on his 5 days off.

I wonder what he has told the OW that he is living with. Not surprising his toiletries are still there, I bet he has another full set at her house complete with all his clothes etc.

He left his check book there. I also bet there is another account that he helps pay her bills with.

The guy is talking about splitting up the stuff. You can probably get a heck of a deal on the condo! Might be time to move on, cut your losses (I know they are huge losses) and enjoy your new life.

When your ADs kick in things will become clearer and less emotionally charged. Hopefully you can detach yourself from the pain and get practical, salvaging what you can from the stuff. Do it now while he is in his guilt mode. (If there is a guilt mode)

Stay strong and make YOU your first priority.

k

Snoopy,
Are you ok?
Let us know how you are doing...

Daisy