Well it's been over 3 months since my last post...

I'm still just as confused as ever. Since the end of August, I've had only minimum contact with the ex-BF. We have settled all the financial stuff... Sold summer condo by the lake and bought condo here at home from him (he owned it)... got a relatively good deal from him, I guess. Had to see him twice, for the closings on both properties, but other than that (which was awful), we've only had contact by email (minimal). I still miss him so much. He still refuses to talk about why he left. I assume he is still living with OW, but don't know for sure. He has changed his cell phone # and never told me where he is living. I'm just devastated... I feel so alone in all of this. My friends are definitely sick of listening to me... so I really needed to post again... hopefully, there's still understanding people around here willing to listen and offer advice.

"offer advice"

.... here's my advice

go on an adventure

join some travel group and take off

you need to get out of your funk, change scenery and start looking at the bigger world around you

you are grieving your loss and hurting a big hurt

it is OK to take a vacation from the pain after 3 months ... a trip won't make things disappear, but your immune system will benifit from having some fun ... so go have fun

you are not required to be in this much pain without a break

take a break

go on an adventure

go have fun

Good advice, Pep. And it's a multitasking kind of adventure, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Not only would it be good for her to take a break from all those troubles, but whether he admits it or not, chances are excellent that it will irritate the doofus deep-down that she's off having fun in spite of him.

Just because somebody doesn't want you doesn't mean they want anybody else to have you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And just because they don't want to be around any more or do anything with you doesn't mean you're free to just go off and have a good time all by yourself. Well, I say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> to that. Enjoy yourself anyway, if for no other reason than its annoyance value to someone who is used to seeing you pining over losing him. And if you can't have a good time, fake it. Nobody else has to know it's pretend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Did someone say Europe? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Great idea Pep!

There is a tour company called "Gutsy Women Travel". they offer escorted tours for women only. they have all sorts of options - Europe, United States, Asia. Any travel agent should be able to help you.

I have been trying to get out as much as possible with friends from work... Last week, we all went to a Trivia Night at a local bar... ended up winning! :-)

I just can't stop the feeling of wanting to talk to the ex-BF. He emails me over stupid stuff... like my car... but ignores my requests to talk about why the heck he left??! Should I just give up? It still doesn't make any sense to me??!?! On June 1st, we signed a purchase and sales agreement together on a new house (his idea - with intentions of me quitting my job this spring and moving to another state with him)... then June 25th we bought a brand-new boat together... then on July 20th, he gives me the "I don't want to be in a relationship" talk... then Aug 18th, I discover that he's with OW and he's gone... no discussion or anything.... Just doesn't make sense?!?! Too much... too fast... Ughhhhhh!

Pounding a square peg into a round hole REAL HARD ... and it still won't fit!

He was cheating on you during all those purchases ... and he was probably miserable during that time but was too lacking in courage to be honest and forthright ... so he used "shoping therapy" to relieve his sadness or his guilt, or whatever.

Here's a tip ... stop talking to him!

Have an intermediary do all the necessary business transactions.

let HIM wonder where you are and what you are doing ...

and for pete's sake ... STOP ASKING THE "why" QUESTION ... he doesn't want to respond because the REAL answer looks like this

"I was a lying jerk for a much longer time than you know, but I did not want to hurt you so I led you on and on and on and on and on ... until I just fell off the fence one day. Please don't remind me of what a jerk I was."

This is exactly right. WE ALL have this question in mind. Why? The truth is that there is no real reason why. there is no "good" reason why. the truth is that there is nothing he could possibly say that would make this ok. We all ask the question in the beginning. I suppose we hope that it might be a simple answer that we could then respond to. Something like:
You: Why?
Him: Because I prefer red hair.
You: Ok, I will dye it
Him: Ok, good. End of problem.

The truth is that there is no real answer. What he did to you was wrong. It stinks. You didn't deserve it.

now let me tell you another possible answer.
you: Why has this happened to me? Why has my life changed so drastically, and this man has left after everything I have done for him?

Answer: Because there is something out there for you that is way better. Because you needed to be free of this man in order to go out there and live the life you were meant to live.

The life you were meant to live may involve a new man - someone who wants to fully committ to you - someone who couldn't imagine living with you for 14 years without getting married, because he loves you so much that he wants to be your husband.

Or, perhaps the life you were meant to live doesn't even involve a man - I don't know. Perhaps the life you were mant to live turns out to include volunteer work in a foreign country, and you would never have been able to do that when you were still together with him. Or perhaps your new life will involve adventure. Perhaps you were meant to travel to places this man would not have gone to.

What dreams have you given up these past 14 years? What things did you wnat to do, but put them to the side?
Start figuring out what you want to do, what you would like to do, all those thigns you haven't done yet. And then ask yourself, Why not?

Unfortunately, I really liked the life I was living (minus the cheating BF, of course). I had 2 homes (summer one by the lake), a boat, 2 Harleys... got to take nice vacations too. Now, I own one home myself (with a hefty mortgage)... and the rest is gone. The only thing I really wanted, but didn't have before, was to have children... not exactly something I can do on my own. Oh well, sorry to sound so pathetic... it's just how I feel right now.

How old are you???


by the way. you may not have 2 harleys or two houses any longer, but you are a single woman who owns a home! That is huge. How many single women do you know who own a house. I understand you have a huge mortgage, but still you are paying on something you own, not renting.

I'm 32... almost 33.

Then you are still young enough to go after what you truly want and deserve -- someone willing to commit to you for life and have children with you.

I know this is tough to hear, Snoopy, but 14 years with no proposal for marriage is a huge red flag. Heck, I thought the seven plus years I spent with my H before tying the knot was excessive, but you've been waiting twice as long.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Spend it doing something you love instead of wondering about "what ifs" about ex-BF. You deserve someone who isn't going to string you along the way ex-BF did.

Instead of thinking about what you don't have at the moment, be grateful for what you do have -- a home, a job, and good friends. I know it's hard, but you're not going to recover until you start to move forward.

Snoopy, thank the good Lord that you found out now how truly uncommitted your BF was BEFORE you had children instead of after. Hopefully you will choose the father of your children wisely so as not to end up with a dishonest, uncommitted serial cheater the next time around.

In a moment of major weakness, I just sent an email to ex-BF telling him that I miss him... I hate feeling so weak. But on the otherhand, sometimes I wished he'd just feel an ounce of guilt for what he did. Oh well, I doubt he'll respond... he typically ignores my emails unless it has to do with things like the car or the house. This is only the 2nd time since he left that I actually told him that I missed him... I guess I'm having trouble accepting that he's gone for good. It's hard after spending 14 years together and seeing him everyday to learn to live without him. I really thought he was my best friend. We did almost everything together. I guess I have to just accept that he is gone and has moved on... it's doesn't seem to be getting any easier though...

Snoopy, maybe this has already been brought up and I missed it, but: If you have lived with this man for some 14 years, are you sure you are not considered common-law married? Do you know what the laws are in your state?
Mulan

I actually looked into it... but Massachusetts does not have a common law marriage law.

Today is ex-BF's birthday... I couldn't help myself... I sent him an email just saying Happy B-Day... nothing else, just those words... big mistake, right?

I am going to quote Dr Phil.

Time heals nothing.
It is what you do with that time that heals your pain.

Nothing is getting easier, because you are still trying to figure out why, and worrying about his birthday, and feeling loney and sending emails.

Instead, you need to start building YOUR life!

You are still young enough to have children. Get out there and meet the father of your children.

Sign up for classes that you are interested in (you will meet other people there who have the same interests). Do volunteer work. Go to church. Call old friends you haven't talked to in years. Get out there and build your life, the one you wnat to live.

Go buy the book "If You Want To Walk on Water You Have to get Out of The Boat". take the book to Starbucks, and sit there reading it while you have a mocha.

Your BF was not the man for you. You have 14 years of history. That is a good thing. Some day those will be good memories. but if he had been the man for you, he would have stood up and committed to you. he would have wanted to call you his wife. There are plenty of men out there who want to call you there wife. And they want to have babies with you.

Just please, don't look for them at the bars!

you CAN DO THIS!

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I just know that there is something great out there, waiting for you, and I want you to get out there and find it.