I'm writing this in hopes of helping myself, and maybe others or at least to here words of wisdom. To me life is a precious commodity though I may not illustrate that by some things I do (like smoking). I believe we are here in life once and as we grow we constantly become better and better until we reach our best, which in essence is our being, our memory, our legacy. As we grow we find obstacles and different paths that prevent us from being happy or direct us down a road we don't want to be on. To me, its like standing on water when things are at their best and gradually sinking when confronted with obstacles, these obstacles can sink me or be my stepping stones.

My obstacle is my trust for my wife, so much is tied to trust that when you loose it, it has a rippling affect, it's your biggest obstacle, it will sink you and prevent you from every being your best. Your best with that person that is. Trust of or in your partner is the biggest definition of the word, its the very fiber of your relationship, It's a given, if you didn't have trust at the beginning you would never have a relationship. So when your partner breaks this trust, the single most important thing and in the most disrespectful way we are presented with two obstacles or choices in my opinion, they are: Stay and never reach our best or leave and start growing again in hopes of achieving our best one day. I say stay and never reach our best because I don't believe that if you do stay that it's possible you can ever trust your partner again thus preventing you from ever reaching your best. You can pretend, but you will never have 100% trust again. So never use that word again!.

I believe communication and dignity are the two most important thing in a relationship, they are cornerstone! (assuming the love is their) If you have both then obstacles become stepping stones for both of you, if you lack one you are vulnerable to outside influences that will ultimately sink you and the relationship. If my wife and I communicated well I would not be here now, if she had dignity she would not have done what she did & I would never have this pain. Trust is a huge word with huge meaning and huge ramifications if broken, who in life can we actually trust without question other than ourselves?. So why do we even use this word? I believed in my wife as she did me, that's it! I know longer believe in her and to use the word trust is meaningless. Who are we fooling when we think that once betrayed we will be better than before if we work through it? we will always have questions, questions we never had before and that will never be answered..It will prevent us from being our best. For some this is o.k. and they manage to work through it putting it deep inside never to see the light again. I envy these people as they are stronger than I.

Their is absolutely no reason two people can't be together in love forever without worry of betrayal. at minimum having the ability to identify problems, communicate and resolve them one way or another without committing the ultimate betrayal before resolution. I will find her when I leave her.

Just my thoughts and opinion

GR

It is trust....not love that takes the longest to rebuild. That is why most of the recovery work lays on the shoulders of the WS, NOT the BS.

Your observations and feelings are noteworthy. Thanks for bringing up such a vital and often forgotten subject.

I learned to change the way I spoke to the WS. No ILY's from me (after a while). I learned to say that "I don't trust you....yet'.

WS had a hard time wriggling his way out of that statement. Why? Because he knew the trust bond had been broken by him and not me.

L.

Can you really trust that person again, I mean really without question? Trust means so much, how can you possibly rebuild it? Trust is something you build with someone once, if they betray that trust it's lost forever, that's the one thing that can't be rebuilt...everything else can. I think if people put so much weight on trust and rebuilding it they are setting themselves up for failure. Maybe to have faith that a person won't hurt you again would be a better word. Faith is less painful.

I could trust again if I could forget the pain, but to trust again with pain is a lie.

I too have changed my ways, no more ILY's. I can't say those words anymore and actually mean it. I won't pretend.

:-)

Rebuilding one's trust take work. I recall lying to my dad (can't remember the reason). I was busted. NO punishment. My dad told me that what I did made him lose his trust in me and that it would take a long time to get it back.

I was about 13 years and many years later, he told me that it took a long time to restore his trust in me. Mind you, it was not in everything but certain parts of his life that touched his heart. I had to earn it back. It was hard but worth it. They lie was small by comparison but the lesson was large. I never forgot the impact that 1 lesson had on my life.

WS' should be willing to work hard to restore the trust for the benefit of the spouse and family.

L.