I was talking with a friend from here today. Sometimes it is so difficult living with not having the answers you seek..and yet you go on because you have to.
My husband is so positive that the divorce is the thing that must be done. I'm quite sure, though he hasn't told me, that he does not love me anymore (I'm in Plan B except for legal and financial stuff and that is all done by email). When I left in June of last year, we had said that we would stay separated for one year before beginning any divorce proceedings. There was a point where he said he wanted to work on the marriage--he even came up with a whole plan on how we would reconcile if counseling showed us that was the best thing to do--and later attributed that to a whim. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> In February he met a girl (not his affair partner)--apparently the love of his life and I went into Plan B at that time. I didn't mean for the timing to be like that...my timeline for Plan B had been for after Christmas and things just seemed to happen the way they did. Anyway, my Plan B definitely just made things easy for him. He didn't miss me meeting any of his needs because there was someone new to do it for him. Typical story...they do all the things together that I would've LOVED to have done, but he never had time for because of work. They do a lot of things that would've helped our marriage had we done them. Of course he has time to do them now. But I digress. I knew that regardless of this new relationship, he would keep the commitment to stay married until June. And he did. However I fully expected to be served my papers on June 1st. Here it is, August 21, and the papers are not even filed yet.
He did send me the papers to sign a couple of weeks ago. But silly me didn't know that I couldn't sign and date them BEFORE I saw the notary so I had to let him know and ask him to send me the signature pages again. I did this right before I went on vacation and he emailed them to me the night before I left (no time to do anything with them). When I get home from vacation, there's an email telling me not to send all the papers, that he HAD to have me served and not just mail me the papers, that I needed to mail him back the papers he signed, but not the ones I signed, and that he needed to know what times I could be served (I had already told him that he best not have me served at work).
So what I don't get is this. My husband is very organized and NOT a procrastinator. Unlike me, when he doesn't want to do something or has to do something unpleasant, he gets it out of the way quickly. If he is so sure about this divorce and so sure about his new relationship, why is it the end of August with no papers filed? Yes, I've delayed it about one week because of my error on the way I signed everything--but that's a small amount of time compared to the time he's taking. Also, though he is paid plenty, even after what he's been giving me...he did not have the money to do all this and asked me for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Why is he so unprepared for something he is so sure about?
And further, why isn't the love of his life up his butt about making this divorce happen? If I were her, I would not be tolerating this and would seriously be questioning what the hold-up was. There's a tiny possibility that she doesn't know about me, but I simply cannot imagine that being true. He's in a very small community, where of course, I was with him and got along with everyone and everyone was shocked when we separated. They hang out with the same people he and I hung out with. My in-laws (who like me)have been down there and have met her. I simply cannot imagine that somewhere along the line she wouldn't know about me. I mean, maybe she IS giving him grief about divorcing me--it's not something I would be privvy to. But if so, it's certainly not making this happen any faster.
Really, I'm 99% certain that my husband wants this divorce and at this point has no doubt. I will say with the same certainty that he had doubts until he met her in February, and until about two weeks after he met her. This was evident in our inital limited interaction after I went into Plan B. I am certain that enough has been "rewritten" and enough time has passed that even if that relationship were to break off, that I would not be the option he would choose. And frankly, I would most likely not allow him to choose me as an option. Heh, my certainty on that is not as high as on the other things. But that leaves me with the question still with...with all that certainty on my part, why the ****** is this process not in the courts yet and why has he been so unprepared about the whole thing? Is it that he's too wrapped up in her to worry about things with me? Is it that he just wished I never existed and if he doesn't take action it will all just somehow disappear? Even if those things are true...why is she not making sure this happens. I can't imagine that no matter WHAT the reason is we're still married (money, hurting me....whatever it could be)--that she is comfortable with the current status quo. I can't imagine that ANY spin he could put on the situation would satisfy her questions. I mean, we don't have kids together, no property, nothing to work out. Any insight?
So another thing to make you crazy. This situation doesn't really apply to me, but it easily could. However to the friend with whom I was speaking, it does apply. How long does one live in limbo? There comes a point where you understand you have done everything you could for the marriage. There comes a point where you understand the situation is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. You're not even sure you WANT to work things out with your spouse anymore. However you're not ready for the divorce either. You're not ready to slam the hammer down on the last nail. You understand that finalizing the divorce or initiating it is not going to end the pain and hurt. I'm of the mind that you do not divorce until you're sure you're ready. However you cannot live in limbo forever. So when do you give up the ghost, even if you're not ready? When do you say to yourself, "It doesn't matter if he/she has an epiphany and comes to me tomorrow with an ironclad plan--I'm done". Because at some point, even if you're NOT done, you need to be. It is easy to say that you take that last step when the pain of staying in the situation is greater than the pain of leaving. But sometimes it's not that leaving or staying is so painful. What's painful is being the one to take the decision into YOUR hands and ending it--even though a divorce is the last thing you ever wanted. Part of you could stay in limbo forever, but you understand that's not healthy. I actually am a little bit in limbo, but despite my husband's procratination, my divorce will proceed. But it's strange--i cannot imagine a life with him anymore, cannot imaging overcoming obstacles. But I still don't want the divorce. I don't love him. I don't hate him. I'm not indifferent to him. I'm not sure what I feel about him. It's confusing.
I think what many WS don't understand, that it is not just the ending of the relationship that is so difficult for the BS who wants to work on the marriage. For many of us, this just affects EVERYTHING. Makes us question our judgement, our choices, ourselves, them, society as a whole. They are seemingly so happy and in the short-term, it is US who have to suffer the consequences of their actions. They will have to eventually, but it's so damned unfair that we seem to suffer so much more.
So I guess what it all boils down to is--if someone is so sure they want something--what's the hold up? And at what point do you let go, even if you're not ready to?
