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Winter:
Please READ UP on PLAN A on this site or better yet in SURVIVING AN AFFAIR if you can...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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WK- hang in there , you have only been doing Plan A for awhile, things wont clear up overnight. Dont do the relationship talks, it only sets up LB's.
I can understand you wanting to seek comfort with someone else, but a re-bound relationship will only cause more pain. A sexual satisfaction will be met but what then?
* Everything becomes a little clearer. I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough and giving more when you feel like giving up! *
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winter, i feel just like you. I've been in plan a for 5 weeks, and just the other night major LB's. It's very hard. She has been cake eating for over a year, my daughter(16) and I finally got fed up with it 2 nights ago and packed my WW's bags. Probably will go right into his open arms, but, I am still in plan a. Cause you see "they're in love", meant to be together, he understands me and all that crap.
Hang in there, she has noticed some changes in me, but she rationalizes in that it will benifit someonelse down the road.
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bigwave- (((((((hugs)))))))))hon' - what did we do to deserve this, huh!!!!
mimi- You are my girl!!!!
should I- Thanks for the uplift!!!!
I cant be with anyone else- the hard part my H was my first love- still is......
I wish he would wake up and see. Sometimes my heart turns dark and I want him to hurt like me- how would he handle if i did this to him. In this life we all make choices- he made his and i know deep in my heart this is not working like he thought- if there was no hope- i would have given up the night i found them together. his words say one thing- his actions say another.
i will keep doing Plan A. I even wrote up a plan B letter but put it in my drawer. I rationalized that I can send the letter to me and do no contact with him.
Will this merry- go - round ever stop and I keep thinking he will wake up , look around as say i dont want this I want my wife and family back.
My counsler (i started seeing one when he left and have been going for 3 weeks- _tells me i should just file for divorce because he has not left OW and im making to easy for him- but he dosent understand and im not being pathetic- i love this guy and feel we had problems in the marraige and can work on them if he comes home and severs ties to ow. I wish i had a magic wand where i can sabotogue the affair.
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WK- No one deserves to feel the pain of being a betrayed spouse. No matter how many times you feel like slapping your WS into sense and say look at what your doing to us/kids. ( actually I did and he said he deserved it) but it doesnt help with a little plan A, showing him your the stronger one because you will fight for your marriage. Read up on Plan A. I know some of the vets have a link for Plan A that does help out. Knowledge is power and we as BS can learn from their mistakes to make us better people. They will soon see us as the lighthouse and come back when they realize what is best. It just takes time . You have support here at MB, dont be afraid to vent here.
* Everything becomes a little clearer. I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough and giving more when you feel like giving up! *
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My counsler (i started seeing one when he left and have been going for 3 weeks- _tells me i should just file for divorce
Get a new counselor.
Any counselor that tells you, you should file is doing you a disservice
I even wrote up a plan B letter but put it in my drawer.
Get rid of it. If he finds it, he won't understand it and you are not ready to go there yet.
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ok- im ripping the plan b letter now as we speak.
I go to the counslour tomorrow - i will speak to him then.
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winter- ihad a plan b letter written as well,but tore it up.It is hard, yesterday I extended an "olive branch" to say it was ok to come home, but she called last night from his place, I don't remember anything shae said "except they talked". I guess she feels his branch didn't have poison on it. My daughter went over , so they could talk, and said'Dad they' re not really happy, they are sad, they know people must hate them etc. My daughter(16) has been much stronger than me, she said let them have each other, we'll be fine dad. Amazing, I guess I will still plan A it and be take the lead from my daughter and be strong. Someday WW will hopefully wake up.
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Winterkisses....
There are a lot of things in your situation that you can use to your advantage....
1. you must remember plan A is ALL about their being contact between the two...
what I am not clear is do you not KNOW where he is living...
any ways...
YOu have a husband always offering to do things...does he offer specific things...because if he is offering specific things....accept him doing some...but also consider taking care of them yourself OR even better yet engaging a family friend to assist you....
Does he come over to the house at all..
time to cook his favorite dessert or cookies or something and have that house smelling smashingly good...
Consider inviting him to a family outing...
daughter and I are going to see the brothers grimm movie this weekend do you want to come..
meet him there
and leave him there abruptly when the movie is over...not rudely...but oooh look at the time...gotta run kids and I are meeting the neighbors for a a little fiesta and swore I would stop and get the ingrediants for sangria..but thank you for coming....
can you take him an object to his work and leave it for him..something that he likes but only you really know he likes...
for example my husband has Elvis Costello t-shirt from a concert years back..there have been times this t-shrit fits him perfectly and times it's been a little tight around the middle...but this t-shirt has gone through atleast four moves to new homes...
in other words he loves this shirt..
If I were to take him that shirt if he was out of the house..he would KNOW that I am the only one who KNOWS how he feels about that shirt...
so I would take it to him at work..
looking flirty and fun..and say..
dang dear..I was cleaning out the drawers getting rid of stuff....and KNEW you would want this..so here it is...
buh- bye....
there's your advantage
there's your ability to plan A like no other...because you do know him like no other...
what about you and kids joining something habitat for humanity...it's an awesome family adventure..that exposes you to ALL kinds of interesting and different people...
it takes the focus off of poor you...
it also is an honorable thing...
ARK
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Hi Ark-
I did take him a shirt and belt when i saw how bad he was looking. He said thanks I really like it. He hugged me.
what I am not clear is do you not KNOW where he is living...
- He is living with her. He told me yesterday that I need to stop talking about her, what happened- hes sorry he had the affair, that he got caught, and that he just moved in with her- he made a bad choice. he wanted me to have the house and that he will never let anyhting happen to me and the kids- but I need to give him space to think. That I would not want him oto come home and its for the wrong reason.
This stemmed from the conversation when he called and he started talking about the house - how it has increased in value- had I ever thought about wanting to sell and get a condo later when the kids get older for he and me?? I had said huh- and then we were talking before where i asked him if I left and moved to another state- what would he do- He said we'd sell house because I couldnt afford it by myself- and I said what about the kids- if i wanted to look for something- he said ill get my mom to watch them- I looked at him like who the heck is this person???????????? He said later he didnt mean it he would take care of them
A friend of ours came in town for a lyover and he had dinner with my H- He said he looks bad....He looks like the weight of the world is on him - hes scraggly and has never seen him like this. He said this is not the h we know and love. That is what im saying also. he said he didnt want to discuss what was going on - our friend said - he probebly does not want anyone telling him to waker up and look at what your doing. My D talked to him yesterday and said he probebly feels like he made a big mistake and that he dosent know how to get out of it- after you burn some bridges- but when you have someone who is willing to work w/ you-- you still dont see.(the strength of soloman)i could have busted out windows, fought all that - he probebly would have liked that. i have only been nuturing and loving and putting my hurt aside so that we can work together and work on this marraige. Now I dont know- my feelings are starting to change drastically and that's not good- I am slowly losing the love that I have for him.
I did say to him I dont know who you are anymore- your not the guy when we fell in love- and he said I dont know who I am either and that's why Im trying to find me too!!!!!
Is he having a breakdown or is the reality catching up?????
Please help....I dont see any good coming from this.
I did something dumb also- I went out to his job- his reaction was this is ridiculous! You are popping up- I'm not going to do anything - try to sell house- i not going to shortchange you and the kids - Yes I dont have the money that I thought I had beacause I have a lot on my mind- (we had bills at home) I know she has filed bankruptcy in june/july so I know money must be tight over there.
I can pay house note, car, etc. but the agreement was he pays mtg. (he got very upset and said he is pulling his weight)
Hes right... I am stepping way back- this is not the man I married this is an alien.... He says I know you love me and Im am trying to work thru this- but I need space.
Hes got it- all the space he wants and more.
Im scared for my h I dont know what is going on but it does not look good.
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also: He asked me for a tight hug- I dont really want to hug him. he kept saying hold me tighter- I dont want to but I di. and walked away. hes saying im going to call you- see you say i dont call you and I am.....I got in the car and left.
What is happening to me- all the time I wanted him- now I dont know.
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and where in this post do you describe anything about YOUR plan A... all I read is relationship talk started by you... focus on him him him and analyzing fog speak.... him getting dinner with a good friend..when it should be you and the good friend..with him peeking in the window missing out.... ofcourse he wants space what you need to do is make him want to come closer... how does a woman make a man want to come closer... hmmmmmmmmmmm I mean this post without malace.. it is a wake up call.. either do plan A....or don't.. but don't call this post any examples of plan A... I did say to him I dont know who you are anymore- your not the guy when we fell in love- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I am stepping way back- this is not the man I married <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I did take him a shirt and belt when i saw how bad he was looking. He said thanks I really like it. He hugged me. I don't want you to take him new shirts.. I want you to take him MEMORIES!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want you showing up at work to talk.. I want you showing up at work dropping off his favorite dessert from a local restaurant...and leaving.....blowing a kiss from afar... Are you ready to plan a cause ironically enough...he sounds ready to be plan A'd ?? ARK
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ok your right Ark- teach me more.
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Winter:
Follow Ark's directions closely.
That's how I most profitted from this site.
I did exactly as instructed because I knew that my own mind was not functioning properly after shock of discovery of my H's A.
Her specific advice to you is wonderful. How blessed you are to receive it!!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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how does a woman make a man want to come closer...
hmmmmmmmmmmm
expand please
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What attracted him to you when you first started dating?
If you were that young woman again and wanted to capture this guy, what would you do?
Same applies now...
You have all of these wifely secrets...the OW does not...
Have confidence. You know this man! Use your WIFELY POWERS....
Last edited by mimi1254; 08/24/05 10:32 AM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Winter, hang in there and try the plan. I am doing it for my situation and I can see where it just might have results, especially from talking with WW this morning. I wasn't confrontational, just the opposite. She asked if she could take some items and I said "sure, don't worry bout it." And even offered to help finish building her horse barn(need project to keep mind off of us). She told OM and he's pissed that shes allowing me to do it.
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Hi winterkisses, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this, I am watching this thread pretty closely myself as I need the same advice.
One of the things I'm thinking of doing is having my WH's tartan scarf mounted in shadowbox frame with the pin so he can hang it in his office. It's part of his heritage that he's very proud of and it's also something we used in our wedding.
BS: 37 (me)
WH: 35
D-Day: 6/10/05
Plan A'd from a distance - WH moved out
Plan B started: 10/04/05
Plan B fell apart: 10/14/05
Back on the Plan B pony 10/23/05
Baby stepping in recovery since 11/06/05
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when I do the above things- leaving him with good memeories- he will initate a hug or a kiss-BUT>>>>
Then I get the you have done everything - I know how you feel and that you love me- but I need you to give me space- back up- let me figure this out in my mind. Do you want me to just come back home and for the wrong reasons? do you want me back because I love you?- of course...
Things are not what you think in my living situation- I dont want to talk about OW- Rela, etc. Im still calling and coming around- if i didnt care i would not do what Im doing.
MY DEEPEST QUESTION IS ....WHAT DOES HE NEED TO FIGURE OUT STILL LIVING WITH OW? WHY DIDNT HE PICK ME???
tHAT IS WHAT IS SO IN MY SOUL...I didnt ask him anything. I just walked to the car and drove away.
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Winter: when I do the above things- leaving him with good memeories- he will initate a hug or a kiss This is great! Your WH INITIATING a HUG AND A KISS withyou is GREAT!! Try to focus your attention on this positive event.... Try to focus on his BEHAVIOR and NOT what he SAYS.... What comes out of his mouth is what we call FOG TALK... That's because he is not being LOGICAL or REASONABLE... The affair is an addiction. He gets intoxicated from it, just as if he becomes DRUNK.... Sometimes, he comes out of it and is able to BEHAVIORALLY connect with you. This will be retained in his MEMORY... Do you see what we are saying about the ADDICTIVE aspects of the A? He can't be talked out of this.. He can't just FIGURE it out.... TIME AND PATIENCE will be necessary, Winter. Although I can relate to you wanting to shake him back to his senses. I recall that feeling. However, I'm sorry. That is not going to happen... Yes, he is GONE for awhile.. He is LOST to you...RIGHT NOW...You are FIGHTING A WAR to get him back...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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