Little background. My sister had an affair on my brother in law that lasted for well over a year. He happened to be in town for business with one of their children a few days after he found out and I was the first one in the family to hear about it. I discovered this site that night and went out and purchased His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair for him and gave them to him before he went home. Since that time, both sides of the family have had the affair revealed to them. (All brothers/sisters/parents). It's tough to sit and watch them try and work through this. It's incredibly sad to watch someone that you love make completely irrational decisions and throw reason to the wind. When my family talks to my sister and advises her that leaving her S for the OM is poor choice/fantasy etc., she ends up taking it out on her S. Even the OM has told my sister that she needs to stay and work on her family, that he has no intention of breaking up a family. (Mighty nice of the guy to do that huh?) Anyways, even with that, she continues and will probably continue to have the fantasy of being with this OM for some time I imagine. So I know I need to get my brother in law on these boards asap. My sister would benefit too. But I'm wondering about telling the OM's S about this affair. Is it ever appropriate or beneficial for a family member to take that action upon themselves? Should I stay out of it, and let them make that decision?

Kidsmoke, first I applaud your efforts to intervene when so many sipmly turn a blind eye. There is no doubt in my mind that it would be beneficial for you to call OM's W and inform her. Your BIL is too weak to do it and regardless of the fallout with your sister you will always know you did the right thing for the right reasons.

Consider, my brother was in a 5 year A that was so obvious to everyone it was comical. Nobody every really ackowledged it because his W was content to pretend everything was fine. Well it got soooo silly that OW was hosting a surprise b-day party for my brother. She invited my entire famliy with the exception of my SIL. Well my W finally had enough and contacted my SIL's sister. The sister took my SIL to the party <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. Can you imagine the surprise on OW's face as well as my brother when his wife walked in. Needless to say that was the end of the A.

So by stepping up, you will open yourself up to lots of fog talk from your sister but you will know you did what you could to save her from herself. Do it.

WOE

I agree with WOE.

If you can interveine and save your sisters marriage, thats great.

My SIL cant wait till OW is in states and give her a piece of her mind. If there anyway you can help your BIL do it, he will appreciate the fact that you tried helping.

Update. I didn't contact the OM Wife. I discussed it with my brother. BIL confided the name of the OM in him, doesn't even know that I know who OM is. So I decided to try and be involved with my sister, talking, listening, etc... Like talking to a freaking potted plant. I emailed my BIL the URL to this site, along with instructions on registering and posting, etc... From what I can see, he hasn't joined or posted, although he has told me that he spent time reading through posts. My sister moved out of the house a few days ago. My brother has attempted to get my BIL to let one of us tell the OM Wife, yet he continues to resist, stating that his WS (my sister) won't forgive him. WS contacted OM shortly before moving out. Pretty clear why she moved out and where this is heading. At this point do I just say screw what they want, someone needs to step in and tell the OM Wife, or do I allow him to continue along the path that he is choosing? He fears that he'll drive WS and OM together. I've discussed this with my mom and brother, explained that this might actually help to speed the process of ending the A. Marriage may still be doomed, but maybe my sister gets her head out of her A** and figures her life out sooner rather than later. As it is now, she'll be seeing OM soon (if not already) and still toying with BIL, dragging this out for god only knows how long. He's to weak. Do I disregard his wishes to leave OM W out of this or not?

Ks,

Unfortunately, you have to respect your BIL's wishes. She is your sister but she is his W and his responsibility. My H's youngest sister also had an A. She is one selfish child and always has t/b the center of attention. Her H is patient beyond words. Both my other SIL and I along with other family members are incensed. But we have to leave it up to BIL.

BIL has also been informed of MB. He is resistent to change and has been living with that selfish/immature person for going on 10 years now. They have 4 children and she has had soo many plastic surgeries, I told my other SIL that if the younger SIL (WS) dies, they won't know if they should bury or recycle her. YIKES!!! Too true, even 2 plastic surgeons told her to stop with the surgeries. At less than 30, she has tucked and lifted her chin, nose, boobs, forehead, lips more than once each. She was cute before but looks like a plastic Angelina Jolie Barbie doll. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My son has no patience for her and feels badly for his cousins. He has prayed that God help her out of this mess several times and even volunteered to call his aunt up and tell her she is being foolish.

Boy was I tempted to let him but we had to hold even him back. LOL!!!

Work with your BIL. Encourage him to get counseling. See if he will call Steve or Jennifer @ MB.

Tell him his W is going to hate him no matter what he does because she really isn't his W, she is a full fledged WS and by treating the WS as his W, he is enabling the A and hurting himself and family.

He is blessed to have supportive in-laws. Band together for him. He needs to know you are on his side. Encourage him to read the books and post here.

Tell him to secure his finances and protect his children.
Have him identify his boundaries. He needs to start thinking about that at the very least.

take care,
L.

Thanks. The plastic surgery sounds like my sister. Boob job, thinking about lipo. Who the ****** knows whats really happened to her. Will continue working with BIL. He's in counseling, going every week. Right now he's being a complete doormat, sad to see. Easier to know what to do when you aren't the one who's emotions are being trounced.