As some may know from my previous posts, H has been
talking the "Fog" talk/babble, and I have been very
suspicious of some type of A behavior.

I have know that he has been signed up for some
internet websites, off and on, for several months,
and have thought he might be corresponding with
someone on there, rather than actually getting
together with someone, as he has until very
recently been home most evenings and weekends.
A look at his most recent cell phone bill revealed
numerous calls to one same number, and when I called
it is a female. Still, until last weekend, he was
home at night and weekends, so I assumed he must
be "carrying" on with this person via computer,
txt messaging, and phone, rather than getting
together in person.
H has been VERY up/down and back/forth- he will
spend a pleasant day with me, running errands, going
to a movie, out to eat, etc. then the next day say
we can't do anything because "we aren't together" ?????
He will not discuss anything, is very closed down
and secretive, but calls me to discuss the dog or
some other unnecessary thing ????
He will tell me we can do something together but
that I shouldn't think it "means anything" ????

Then last week, he announced he was going out of town
for the weekend, but wouldn't say where, with who, why,
etc.... Went despite my protests, and I didn't hear
from him all weekend. Suspect he met up with this
little internet "friend", but no way to know for sure.
His credit card company called to advise there was
suspicious/large activity on his card, which really
makes me wonder what he was doing/where ?

I had a tough weekend, but read up on SAA, Divorce
Busters/Remedy and read "Love Must be Tough". Hoped
maybe we could separate so I could try PLAN B and see
if H would come back to reality. Instead H came home
from his weekend in a terrible mood, jumped right on
my case about something trivial, and said he wants me
to sign divorce paperwork !!!
I stayed very calm, said I would like to give it some
time, wondered if he might want to try a medicine change
and therapy first to make sure he is thinking clearly,
said I'd like to do a separation instead... but all I
got was "no"- he feels he is thinking clearly, doesn't
want a separation, wants a D, and is going to proceed
with or without me !! Then went downstairs and slept
in our guest room, rather than with me, for the first
time.
Spent a horrible, long, exhausting night talking to dear
friends who give me full support and care, but feel
absolutely horrible, sick, and devastated.

Don't know how much is the A, how much might be other
factors, as H was diagnosed several years ago with
depression and seems to also have other emotional/
mental issues as well. He is on AD's (has tried many
different ones) but will not do therapy.
I have been in IC, and my counselor feels his behavior indicates he probably has several issues and problems
going on.

Don't know if things could turn around now that we
are at this point, and feel like I am on a sinking
ship that is taking me down with it. Don't
understand H's sudden change in behavior, why he
is being very hostile and unkind about it, and
why he is so adamant about proceeding to D ????
Could he really give up 10 years together, lots of
good times, plans for the future, a nice home, love
and support for some internet person he's known about
a month ?

Just don't know what to do, and feel like I have
little power or option. Guess I will need to see
a lawyer, as I don't want to get any more sc****d
over than I already am. If he files, there's not
really anything I can do.

Suggestions, thoughts, insight or just support,
please !!
Anne


Me- BS,41
H- WS, 37
No kids, but dog is like our child
2000- H diagnosed with depression, OCD, on a variety
of medications since.
2001- H has brief internet "fling", EA with older widow
and inappropriate friendship with another woman.
Did Plan A, moved out and did Plan B, H asked to get
back together.
2002-2004 Things going pretty well, thought we recovered.
2005- Problems start again

Anne,

I really do not understand your H's ups and downs. It is very extreme. It sounds like your H is also "in love" with someone in his fantasy, just like my H. Well my H might have found someone real, but who knows. But the reason I say this is that I do not think your H will exhibit these extreme behaviors IF he is actually with someone real. Either he stays happy/in the fog, or could be indecisive but if he continues to behave this way, you would think that would even drive OW crazy!

Your H might be bipolar - in that case, some of the ADs can make things worse. Is there any way you can take him to a doctor?

Hi Milkshake, and thanks for your reply.

I don't know what to think anymore about H's behavior.
His ups and down and constant changes are enough to
drive anyone crazy, including me. I have wondered if
he might be bipolar, since he seems to be going
through cycles, but don't really know.

He has been on meds (7-8 different anti-depressants
as well as trying meds for ADD, none of which helped
much) and did try counseling twice, but didn't like
it and stick with long enough for any results.
He is almost out of his current medicine so is planning
to go back to the DR. but still is resistant to therapy.
We go to the same Dr. and when I was there for an
unrelated issue last week, I did tell the Dr about his
behavior and feeling like he was really out of control
and needing help, so at least Dr. would be aware of it.

I agree with you that H must be involved with someone
and either "in love" or just obsessed, but don't know
why this is causing him to move so fast and right on
towards D, unless she is not willing to see him while
he's still married or something ?
Have you made any legal moves yet ? Were they initiated
by you or H ?

I am trying to get in with my counselor today (already
had appt for Wed) and will try to talk to a laywer for
advise as soon as I can. With H's erratic behavior
I also have taken copies of all our legal paperwork,
deeds, bank statements, etc. in case I need them for
protection. It all makes me feel sick and horrible,
but seems like I have to look out for me, since he
certainly isn't.

Having a hard time making it through the work day,
but trying to stick it out. Left before H got up
this morning and will not be calling him. Don't
know if he will contact me, come home, or what,
and what he might have done with the D paperwork
which he had sitting at our house.

Glad we don't have kids to be involved, but felt
sad this morning looking at our beloved dog, who
was still wagging her tail and smiling at me,
because she doesn't understand what is happening.

Please keep me posted on your situation as well
Anne

I personally think if you two go through the D process, your H will likely change his mind again - and again, and again... He does not sound very stable.

It's hard to do, but try to get off the emotional roller coaster - I am still on it myself, but my therapist told me to get off to protect my emotions. Given how your H has been behaving, I think it is extremely important that you do not go ups and downs with him.

Your H sounds very ADD/ADHD - he is very impulsive. My H is the same way. Why is he taking so many different medications?

No, no paperwork has been done for us. H keeps talking about it, but he hasn't done anything yet.

No, H definitely doesn't seem stable.
He seems very confused, disoriented, unhappy,
grouchy, and so back and forth about everything,
that even my sister (a psychologist) and my
counselor can't figure out his behavior.

He was originally diagnosed as having depression and
also possibly obsessive-compulsive disorder, but lately
I've also wondered if he might be bi-polar because of
the "cycles" he seems to go in with his behavior.
He is repeating almost exactly, the way he acted four
years ago.

I've tried to detach and do my own thing, so I can
be off the roller-coaster ride. As you know, it's
enough to drive you absolutely crazy !! I really
was hoping H would move out and go stay in another
house he owns (it's under minor renovation) just
to be out of all his "drama", and put myself into
a more healing environment, however I don't know
if he will do this. If he doesn't, my only other
choice would be to move out myself, and the only
place I have to go is my parent's house.
(Okay, but somewhat uncomfortable)

On principle, I don't feel like I should have to
move, however, it could be a good thing for me,
so am considering it- will see how the next few
days go. (maybe H will come home late enough I
don't have to deal with him, or will move on his
own). I know it takes away the chance to do any
Plan A, but feel like I've been doing that long
enough to know I'm getting no results, and H
is becoming a "cake-eater" by having good home,
etc.

H has been on a newer anti-depressant for a couple
of months and only has enough of it for about two
more weeks, so will have to do something, and I've
given his Dr. a "heads up" about his behavior and
him really needing help. He's tried a lot of
different medicines, trying to find one that
really seems to make any difference, and although
I can tell that all of them seem to help his
moods level out, H says they aren't helping.
One Dr had him try two ADD meds, to see if that
would help him, but they didn't seem to make
any difference either.
I personally, would like to see them try some type
of medication for bi-polar disorder, because he
sure seems to fit that pattern, and it's a
whole different type of medication.
Ultimately, though, H needs to be in therapy to
work on whatever his issues are, whether it be
depression, OCD, bi=polar, SA, or some combination
of it and I know that until he really decides to
do it himself, nothing will change.

You would think they would want to get help and
feel better, because as you said about your H,
they are not happy. Don't know if it's fear of
having to change, embarassment, or then thinking
they are okay that keeps them from it ???
(same question as applies to any addiction, I guess).

Talked to a lawyer today to ask a few basic questions
and will just have to take a day at a time, I guess.
I'm so tired today (3 hours sleep) and also fighting
an infection, that I've gone into a somewhat "neutral"
mood and feel a little more peaceful. Don't know
how long it will last though. Luckily I have friends
and family lending support and lots of prayers right
now.
Anne