I am just trying to summon the courage to start the exposure on my WW. When you expose is it best to warn the WW that this is what you are going to do or do you go ahead and do it?

Do you CC the email to let her know who knows or do you let her find out when they reply / call her?

Is it best to expose to everyone at once or start with the closest to her and expose more and more as needed?

Melody will be here in just a little bit.

NO DO NOT WARN ANYONE. They can paint you as a kook.

Cymanca, y'all could answer this stuff for him! lol

Bob, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT forewarn your WW you are going to expose her. Tell her AFTER.

Make a list of all KEY people to expose to. Usually it will be those closest to her and those who will have a direct influence on her, namely her family, your family, close friends, boss [if work related] and MOST ESPECIALLY the OP's spouse if married. If the OP is not married, you would want to expose to his parents if possible.

Do it all in ONE DAY, as close together as possible. That way, you can deal with the fallout of ONE big exposure and it will have maximum impact. Doing it close together also minimizes the risk that they will get to them first and spin the story.

Tell them that you love your W, but she is having an affair with XYZ that is threatening your marriage. Ask for their support in saving your marriage.

It is a very good idea to CC her on your exposure. You might also consider forwarding a copy of the email to the OP, but don't let him all the email addresses.

Also, you will not get a dozen roses and big smooch from your WW for doing this. She will be FURIOUS, so be prepared for her ire and don't let it shake you up.

Melody,

You are the best!!!

betrayedbob,

One more thing.

Do it ( the exposure) yesterday!

Melody

Second guessing the CC advice. May again give WW time to warn persons close to her before they open their email. Maybe later when she discovers she's been exposed give her a print out so she knows all that know and what they received.

He could email cc when he knows she won't get it until much later than everyone else. That way others see she got a copy of it and it's not some conspiracy.

Mr. Wondering

I'm pretty sure that Patton didn't inform Rommel about his strategy before attacking....why!!! Because it wouldn't work without complete surprise. Don't give you spouse the time/opportunity to side step exposure. One thing you can take from MB and that is EXPOSURE WORKS. If you water down exposure, what would your backup plan be once your wife survives it, which she will. Exposure is a Silver Bullet..you have one shot...make sure it counts. Don't fire a warning shot first and then be surprised that she took cover.

I have to agree with Mr. W on second thought. It also occured to me that it might evolve into an email war if the WW decides to respond and refute Bob. Better to just send out emails, make phone calls and then give WW a copy of the email and inform her she has been exposed.

Well I exposed WW last night,

I got a couple phonecalls from friends offering support and wondering what they could do. WW was out all night and is not home as of yet. I guessing she will be home within the next hour. I don't think she knows at this point but it is always possible that she might.

Give me strength to get through this. Part of me wonders if I have made a huge mistake, part of me says this was the right thing to do. Do many WW feel this is the ultimate betrayal and never come back?? How long does it take from other people experiences in seeing some positive results?

Very confused this morning...

betrayed,

Quote:

Do many WW feel this is the ultimate betrayal and never come back?

Your WW had and has the most intimate of sexual contact with a man not her husband and you consider TELLING THE TRUTH THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL.

Please forgive me my complete and utter bewilderment

I know that you don't truly believe it, do you?

My wife and I discussed this the other night. Why does it seem men have such a tough time with exposing. Is it because we men are the ultimate conflict avoiders seeking any solution that will not involve being yelled at or is it a fear of the unknown (i.e.-taking a positive integrity maintaining step to maintain one's marriage with an outcome uncertain). We men love formula's, proven formula's. We can tell BB it should work/will work. But the formula of exposure is counter-intuitive as it does create conflict, but BB, sometimes conflict is necessary.

BB stick to your guns. Man the battle stations. She will be pissed at you but it's better than being withdrawn from you with some other man. Eventually you will be proud you took this course of action to save your marriage. Remember, no matter how bad it seems you will make it and most likely make it with your wife.

Good job, Mr. Wondering

betrayedbob,

One more thing. If the exposure is done to humiliate your WW, then by all principles( especially MB principles) it is WRONG. If the exposure is done to expose this tawdry affair and save your M, it is a move made out of love and respect for that M.

A little research will show that the number one regret voiced by most BS's is their lack of PROMPT and COMPLETE exposure.

Update:

When she got home this morning, I told her exactly what I did. She says it is over and wants the list of everyone I emailed so she can email them to say it is over. She wanted me to phone / email my parents to tell them it is over, which I said I wasn't going to do. She really came across to me that she wanted to see me drop to my knees, apologize for what I had done, and beg for forgiveness. Of course, I do not regret what I did, and will not do any of the above. Besides, if I had done that, she would have said something vindictive and walk out anyways trying to make me feel bad.
I told her several times that the reason I did this was not to be vindictive, or mean-spirited but to expose this affair and that I want it to be over. I also told her I am still totally committed to saving this marriage and going to MC.

BB,

""She says it is over and wants the list of everyone I emailed so she can email them to say it is over.""

So did she mean you and her are over...? Or the A is over?

This is the part where you must weather the storm of her hatred and rebuke.

I take it the OM is not married?

Good letter!!

Stay strong and CALM during her stormy outbursts.

k

Well she has been telling me the affair is now over, her actions have suggested otherwise. In regards to the emails, she is referring to US as being over.

BB,

""her actions have suggested otherwise.""

Specially like staying out all night!! Maybe it's time to change the locks.

k