I need some advice.

My H got dumped yesterday by the OW and now he has spent all day calling me, asking what I am doing, where I am, what am I going to do later, how are the children - all interested. For the most part I have ignored most of the calls and answered about 2.

What rubs me the wrong is last night he told me that the OW will not be a distraction anymore because the it was unhealthly - I know she dumped him and not the other way around - but now he talks like everything should be OK. I am angry, hurt and a mad at the moment. The last year of my life has been a living ******. (One positive - I have dropped about 30 pounds and now look the best I have in my life - at least he can look and drool a little!)

The problem I have is all he has said is that the distraction is gone = never I made a mistake, I am sorry, I really want to make this work, etc. He is seeing a new therapist and I am hoping that makes a difference, but the lack of remorse bothers me and no acknowledgement of my feelings. Is this what happens? Everyone around me is saying move on and leave him behind, that I deserve better. Which I agree I do, but I think a part of me still loves him - I am trying to figure that one out. If I do love him or the fear of being alone is why I have allowed myself to be stepped on.

Also, I am angry at the OW - I feel she just toyed with my H decided it was too much so she walks away like nothing ever happened. I now have 2 children who are devestated by this. I have never confronted this woman because she worked for my H and I was afraid of what she might say. Now she is not working for him and I want to say something, but I figured she would just think I was crazy.

Sorry so long - I feel like I am at a cross roads in my life and I need to make some decisions and I am afraid of making the wrong one.

Thanks for all your insight. I have learned so much from all the posts and this website.

You need advice?

What do you need advice on? It sounds to me like you were just gushing.

No, I am not gushing and that comment hurt - I was looking for support not criticsm. I have been hurt enough by a person who supposively loved me, I came to this board for support and to gain insight.

What I was looking for is what do I do now, do I take his calls or put him off. When we talk he acts like everything is OK and nothing has ever happened. His comments are about daily life like everything is the way it was.

I just cannot sweep it under the rug that easily. I do not have any trust in him and this cannot be rebuilt in a day. The other relationship just ended and it is like he is back and the other one never existed. Is this what they do?

I guess I was looking for people who have been in my position do you just sit back and see what happens, I mean I do not want to play one happy family when that is not the truth. There are things I want to say and cetain expectations I will have, but should I just lay low for a while and see what happens.

Thanks for any input.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It would probably feel better if he had cut off contact with her, instead of the other way around, but in the long run, it doesn't matter. There are lots of folks here who got their spouse back when the other person dumped them. Most of them are now happily in recovery.

By the way, most WS's are not sorry right away. That will probably take a couple of months. I hope you will come to general questions where there is much more traffic, and you will get more input.

Now is your chance to recover your marriage, and make it better than it was before.

I agree with the above, it's probably much too early to expect very much from him. However, I'm not a voice of experience as I have not been where you are. I'm still in the early stages of trying to get my wife to end the affair before I give up. I'm not sure that I could take my wife back after being separated but that's just how I feel now. If I were you and you don't have anything better to do I would entertain his conversations but don't give in. Take your time and see where it goes. My guess is that it's going to take a while before the meat and potatoes come out. In the end it will be his actions that will tell you the true tale (that's from experience).

Hang in there. My guess is that you have already experienced the worst of it already so protect yourself going forward.

Deanek,

I was not sure what exactly you were asking. I mean you did ask for advice, but I couldn't pinpoint what advice you were looking for. There is no need to be hurt; just as there is nothin wrong with gushing. Plenty of people do just that on this site.

I am a straightfoward type of person. I call it like I see it. If that bothers you I will leave your posts alone.


As for your situation-

Take a deep long look at what you want.

Do you still want him?

Why is he still lying to you?

If you take him back without confronting him will he walk all over you again?

What have to you done from this website Plan A? Plan B?

I would confront him about knowing that he got dumped. Burst his lie.

Are you in therapy? If not, get a therapist for this period of time. If it were me, I'd write down a list of the things that I needed to hear from my mate. Then I'd discuss that list with a therapist. If those discussions left items on the list, I'd go into couples counseling and be really direct about my anger and rage.

It's totally reasonable for you to feel like you feel. The question is what you are going to do about it. I think a therapist can help with that a lot.

And, because I personally tend to have a bit of a vindictive edge, I'd definitely say something like: "I'm sure that since OW dumped you, you are interested in getting back together; but I'm in the midst of deciding if I think you are trustworthy. If you are not good enough for her, I'm certain you are not good enough for me."