Well, since my husband admitted to talking with her sexually and many hours on thephone with her and he decided that he wanted our marriage...he also told me that he would tell her that it wasn't appropriate anymore for them to have contact..I went ahead and made sure that it was THE END. I found out where she works and what her name is. I called her job and told her who I was and wanted to know what she and my husband were up to. She denied everything until I read her one of his e-mails calling her Huney..She became silent and I went off on her and ended with...You are messing with the wrong person..So she hung up on me (and of course called my husband to tell him that I called her, which was of no surprise to him since he knows the way I am). Since she hung up on me, I decided to call her supervisor and tell her that "Huney" has been making personal phone calls to my husband and e-mailing him all the time and sexual content involved. This supervisor was mad for the fact that they are soooo busy and need help and here she is doing this sort of thing on company time. This supervisor was very very sympathtic and told me that she will get this stopped. I told her that I know the president of this big big company that shw works for and that I decided to go to her first to let her do somehting about this. I told her that I would call her back at 3:00pm to see what she has done about this problem. Icalled back and she told me that she had to get human resources involved along with her own supervisor because this was a serious matter. They brought "huney" into the office and told her that they went through all her emails and phone calls and event the e-mails that she deleted from him. They told her that there could be no more contact with him in anyway. That they would be checking her emails and phone calls/monitoring her. This supervisor also told her that I was not going to stop at anything until "huney" was going to stop the phone calls and e-mails. The supervisor told me that "huney" was in shock and stunned that I called her supervisor. The supervisor told her that I was not playing games and that I had a family to protect and would let nothing get in the way..especially her. So, does my husband know that I contacted her supervisor? NO. Why? Because she was specifically told not to contact him. If she does, he would tell me and then I would know she contacted him and I would have to tell her supervisors. I know she won't dare chance her job, because they already told her that one more contact with him in anyway, she will be fired. <BR>So, to those of you who think that maybe i went too far...Oh well, I can't say I did or didn't. I can only say that I will do what it takes to protect my family and keep my husband IF he wants this marriage. And he told me he did. I am not the type to sit there and wait for something to happen. I am more of the proactive type and don't have anymore time to waste with this nonsense. My life with him has been wasted already for 2 years. I don't have anymore time left. Not for him to think about having an affair with someone. So, if you think or have found something that you think is not right...confront you wife/husband and do what you can to keep your marriage. I don't know if I will stay with him in the long run because I really don't trust him now. I have called the phone company that morning to send me a listing of all the phone calls that were made since April. He told me he does not have her number. I want to see if he is lying. It will take alot of work and time. I would have left a long time ago, but, we have 2 small children that I need to think about. <BR>Do somehting about your marriage. Put the ball in his court on what he wants to do.If he chooses her.. let him/her go. If he stays, he/she better try their hardest to make it work and don't accept anything less than 110% in the relationship.

<BR>Wow, Katya!<P>I'm currently debating whether or not I should contact my wife's OM. It never even occurred to me to talk to his boss! Wife spent quite a lot of time in chatrooms during the work day with him. Lots of email too. Shows how limited my vision is - I was only going to threaten to tell his wife!<P>Anyway, you have a lot of courage. I'm hope things work out great for you.<P><BR>InSane<BR>

YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Think what you did was great to bad for me that it would not help but hey more power to you!

Oh happy day! Way to go!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Katya -- WOW, Not only did this take tremendous courage for you to do in the first place, but to have the OW boss actually go to the extent they did. . .WOW<P>God Bless

Dear o2bsane:<BR>This company that she works for is a big company and big companies don't like their employees spending time on company time with personal things. Smaller companies may be different to deal with. I would not put up with that if I were you! You don't need to. TELL your wife that she has ONLY 2 choices. One is to be with the OM or to be with you. Tell her if she wants the marriage she has to put in 110% into it and no less. You don't deserve less and neither does your marriage! If she is not willing to do that then maybe she is not too serious and where does that leave you? <BR>Well, I would call him and put a stop to this but it takes for her to do her part too. I would only do that, call him, if she tells you that she wants the marriage and willwork 110% to keep it. Otherwise, it won't do you any good for you to call him if she doesn't want to stop talking or seeing him. <BR>I did do that in another relationship I had. I was engaged to a guy I lived with. I came home one day and went to take his car to the store while he was on the phone with a customer. I got in the car and found a christmas card on the said of the seat. I thought that my he forgot to bring the card in to hang it up , so, I opened it to see who it was from. It was from an ex girlfriend who was married at the time she was seeing my fiance and still wanted to see him . In the card it said how great he looked and hwo she wanted to meet him in the city. That she would take the train...that it was a good idea and couldn't wait. WELL, needless to say, I ran into the house and threw the card at him and asked him what the hell was that about..He confessed and said that while visiting his family (3 hours away), he stopped at the store (I asked what store) and what her name was. He told me her name but said that it was no big deal. I told him it was and will take care of it. I called info and got the number (3 hours away)where she works and called her at her job and told her who I was. I also proceeded to tell her that I wondered what her husband would think if he knew that she had an affair and was pursuing my fiance again. She started crying hysterically and begged me not to call. I threated that I would if I ever heard that she would ever contact mey fiance again. Everything stopped. So, in that instance, it did work. My fiance was furious that I did something like that and couldn't believe I did it. But, then again, I will not be made a fool of and neither should you. It would make me feel better and probably you also if you would call him (the om), but don't know how much good it would do. What does your wife say? Did you give her ultimatums? Good luck with you but I would want to know what you decide and what happens. You know where to find me.

Dear o2bsane:<BR>This company that she works for is a big company and big companies don't like their employees spending time on company time with personal things. Smaller companies may be different to deal with. I would not put up with that if I were you! You don't need to. TELL your wife that she has ONLY 2 choices. One is to be with the OM or to be with you. Tell her if she wants the marriage she has to put in 110% into it and no less. You don't deserve less and neither does your marriage! If she is not willing to do that then maybe she is not too serious and where does that leave you? <BR>Well, I would call him and put a stop to this but it takes for her to do her part too. I would only do that, call him, if she tells you that she wants the marriage and willwork 110% to keep it. Otherwise, it won't do you any good for you to call him if she doesn't want to stop talking or seeing him. <BR>I did do that in another relationship I had. I was engaged to a guy I lived with. I came home one day and went to take his car to the store while he was on the phone with a customer. I got in the car and found a christmas card on the said of the seat. I thought that my he forgot to bring the card in to hang it up , so, I opened it to see who it was from. It was from an ex girlfriend who was married at the time she was seeing my fiance and still wanted to see him . In the card it said how great he looked and hwo she wanted to meet him in the city. That she would take the train...that it was a good idea and couldn't wait. WELL, needless to say, I ran into the house and threw the card at him and asked him what the hell was that about..He confessed and said that while visiting his family (3 hours away), he stopped at the store (I asked what store) and what her name was. He told me her name but said that it was no big deal. I told him it was and will take care of it. I called info and got the number (3 hours away)where she works and called her at her job and told her who I was. I also proceeded to tell her that I wondered what her husband would think if he knew that she had an affair and was pursuing my fiance again. She started crying hysterically and begged me not to call. I threated that I would if I ever heard that she would ever contact mey fiance again. Everything stopped. So, in that instance, it did work. My fiance was furious that I did something like that and couldn't believe I did it. But, then again, I will not be made a fool of and neither should you. It would make me feel better and probably you also if you would call him (the om), but don't know how much good it would do. What does your wife say? Did you give her ultimatums? Good luck with you but I would want to know what you decide and what happens. You know where to find me.

Katya,<P>YESSSSSSSSSSSS !!!!!!!!!!!<BR>That's how we all feel, "you mess with me, I'll mess with you!" You did it! You know, our Hs/Ws get all the grief from us untill we get to the point of moving on, the OW just fades (hopefully into the back ground) we sometimes even hear her laughing in our minds. This one has found out how it feels to upset a marriage. <P>----------<BR>TIME <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited September 27, 1999).]

Good for you! I think now the OW realizes that as much as she hurt and could have potentially destroyed your happiness & life, you could do the same... Hopefully she will remember this the next time she is attracted to a married man!!!<P>GOOD GOING!!! <P>

I don't think you did a thing TO the OW...she did it herself. You just enacted the natural consequence of her actions.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Dear o2bsane:<BR>Well I can say that probably if you call the om and your wife does not want to commit to your marriage and let him go, then chances are he's not going to let her go either and can care less what you have to say to him. But it would probably make you feel better to give him a piece of your mind. Don't sit there, though, and do nothing. Don't let this go on...give her an ultimatum. Tell her that if she wants this marriage with you then she has to work at it and give it 110% and leave the other guy. Or, her other choice is to go to the other guy. But tell her she cannot do both and it's not fair to anyone. You do not deserve this! don't take this any longer. You love her, yes, and maybe she knows that? But, just because you love her does not mean she want to be in a marriage. I say, if she does, she has to committ and give the other guy up and then by all mean, go for it...callhim and give him a piece of your mind. Usually really big companies, like my husbands "huney" won't take too kindly to personal e-mails and phone calls and will go into their computer and bring all the emails up and even deleted ones from a way back. But, smaller companies may tend to be different and may not care as much , although, they should since they are small and need to conserve on how their money is spent. A threat to his wife is good, if your wife is willing to work on your marriage. I had done that before also. In a previous relationship, I lived with my fiance who was home for lunch and on the phone with a customer. I went to his car to go to the store and found a christmas card which I didn't think anything about it, I just thought that my fiance forgot to bring it in and hang it up. Well, I opened it and found a very revealing and interesting letter to my fiance telling him how great he looked and how she couldn't wait to see him again and how it is going to be so nice to spend time with him. I took that card and ran into the house and threw it at him and asked him what kind of sh@# was that! He was with a customer and practically hung up on them. He told me that he popped into the store (3 hours away)where his parents live, just to say hello on his way to see his parents. I asked him where she worked and what her name was. Stupidly, he told me the info. I told him that I was not going to put up with that and told him that if he did not end it then he could go be with her. He told me that he was not going to be with her. After he left back to work, I called information and found the store she works at (3 hours away). Oh, upon my discussion with my fiance, he told me that she and he were seeing each other before me and that she was married and still is. So, I tracked her down and introduced myself andtold her that if she did not keep away from my fiance and if I ever hear that she contacted him in ANYWAY, that I was going to call her husband. I told her that it would be quite interesting to see what he would say if he found out that she had an affair on him before and is still pursuing my fiance. She started crying hysterically and begged me not to do that. I didn't answer, I just hung up. I would never break up a marriage, but, I was not about to tell her that. When my fiance found out, he was furious that I called,but, I could have cared less. If he didn't hid that from me then nothing would have happenned. So, in my case, I did call the other party. I put a stop to it before it started. If you have knowledge, then stopit. But don't keep going on. Wine her, dine her, try to keep her if you really really love her. Do what ever you can, BUT, don't let this just keep going on. She can't have a cake and the bakery too. It's not fair to anyone and especially to you. Let me know what your going to do. I'm really curious. Youknow where to find me. Good Luck!!!

Right on, Katya!!! A woman after my own heart

Dear Pondvj and pw:<BR>Thanks so much for the support. I sometimes wonder if I am too aggressive and sometimes wonder if I do the right things, but, in this case your support only shows me that I know I am doing the right thing in protecting my relationship. <P>Chris and Empty Shell:<BR>Thanks Chris for your support also! Empty shell thank you also. Yes, I am lucky that that supervisor supported me. But then again, I also know the president of that company. I was also firm about something being done about this and stressed upon the companys' time being wasted by phonecalls she makes to my husband.

Hi Katya<P>I agree with you, sometimes you need to take matters in your own hand. One word of caution though.. If you want to rebuild/keep a marriage and your spouse is sitting on the fence (ready to leave) than this type of action will be used as a means to leave. Once the spouse left the house then it is harder to get them back. <P>Other ways of dealing with this issue is to have your spouse write a letter to OP or have the spouse "end" the affair while you are present. This way it was your spouse who ended it with thier own free will (A follow up call would not hurt either.. hehehehe).<P>Take Care

Katya,<P>While I'm happy that this worked for you, I'm not going to pat you on the back.<P>From a "MarriageBuilders" standpoint, it's always wrong to give a selfish demand. Even when that demand is "End your affair or else". More often than not this does not help a marriage in crisis.<P>In my opinion, ultimatums are always a poor choice to convince someone that you love them and want a marriage to work. They're punishing.<P>Your post is pure taker---it's righteous anger, justifully applied. But it's still all taker---all about "you". That's not going to help rebuild your marriage.<P>Sorry; I don't mean to rain on the parade.

I also don't mean to rain on your parade, but I agree with K. Not only what he says, but also just because she won't be able to contact your H from work doesn't mean she can't do it somewhere else. If there's a will, there's a way. What would be better to work for is working on your H. HE should be the one who discontinues the contact because he doesn't want to hear from her because he wants to rebuild and commit to you. Not just because you are strong arming him. <P>I just think we spend too much time on the OP. They are not our problem. Noone can cheat with our spouses if our spouses don't want to.

Yes, i agree with the both of you and this is why I had him choose what he wanted to do. The choice was his. It was him who called her to end it. I just happen to get to her first as a follow through. That's all. What would happen if I did absolutely nothing?? Just sit there and continue going to the therapist when he did nothing, absolutelty no improvement until I caught him? He told me that he was happy that I found it and was over with. I don't know how much I believe of that, but, I would only be a pigeon sitting there and him disrespecting me? That's a marriage? That's suppose to be olk. and I'm not suppose to do anything about it ??? Let him continue?? No, he made the choice and now I will work with him on it. Sorry, but I don't agree with you fully either.

WOW !!! Way to go. I'm sorry I didn't have your courage months ago. Maybe it would have helped me. Or at least I would have felt more pro-active in saving this marriage. Anyway, good for you.

I think every situation is different and we do what we must. I did close to what you did too. I confronted the OW by email, would have been IRL if she lived here. I scared the pants off her and we have heard zip from her since. <P>She had emailed my H asking him what his hopes and dream and goals were and could she be a part of it all? I responded that she couldn't, his hopes and dreams were mine and his goals were for us, not her. I "needed" to confront her to move on. <P>------------------<BR>Joan