Been doing alot of reading the past few weeeks about affairs. I'm 37 and w is 38 two kids 7,8. Married for 8 years. D-day 7/27/05 been going on since 6/05. I've been lied to over and over both seeing MC and keep getting told I don't love you no more don't think ever have,I don't think I want the marriage anymore, and not happy with myself. I have asked her what problems she has with me and she replied she wanted more help around the house and that she is not happy. Changed my habits to address here needs and she still is seeing this guy in a pa/ea. I have exposed this affair a week after finding out to get friends and family to try and talk to her. She will not listen to no avail. MC told here to end the A and she said she would try. That was last week and this week still seeing him even though she told me she wasn't. She is mad because I know. I have confronted her other times about continuing the A. She wants to seperate but MC said not good at this time because you are still seeing OP. She keeps repeating she don't love me no more, why should I try if I don't love you anymore. I keep telling her that if she continues seing OP this will never work out for us or the kids sake. ITs only been 3 1/2 weeks since d-day and trying to get a handle of the situation. I think I have pushed the situation to the harden heart because she does not like it when I catch her in lies all the time about seeing or calling him. Any insight would helpful.

Im sorry man. I a have been going through the same crap for 7 weeks. As long as she is seeing om it won't get better.I wish I could offer aasistance but I am in the thick of it too. you aren't the only one my friend. Some of the veterens will help you.
stay strong for your kids.

Talked to her last night about are situation. We both agree that a D is not the answer right now. I suggested a two month stay together to try and work through the problem with her A. In the mean time I told her she has to seek an individual counsler to try and straighten her head out. I explained to her that if things don't get any better after that point that she needs to move out, because that enviroment is not good for the kids or me, nor do I condone this behavior. She didn't really reply about that statement but she didn't disagree either. I than asked her were things sit with the OM and try to be honest. she replied,"I really don't know". I then tried to explain to her that I don't want any more broken promises or lies. If you can't tell me the truth than don't say nothing at all. She told me that you get me mad some times because you are always clocking me and listening to my phone calls. I then told her if you didn't have anything to hide you wouldn't be angry with me snooping or listen to your phone calls. Funny thing is she replied,"Your right!" I then said if you know I'm right , then why do you still sneak around and try to see him or call him. She said "I don't know". I said when the day comes and it will come that you see the light I hope you can come to me and say," I'm going to stop seeing him.,"I replied "I'll be there to help you through it." But I did tell her that when the day comes for the D papers that is when I stopped loving you.

I hear you. I had to kick my ww out on friday. I just couldn't stand finding the emails and love letters, it's just too much. i told her that we have nothing to discuss until the affair is over. even then I have lost so much respect at this point I may just move on.

Talked to the wife on Sunday about her still staying in the house. She told me she is still here to help pay the bills (she knows she is partly responible) and be here for the kids. I said if your willing to do those two things then why not stop seeing OM and work on your problems within the M. Well wrong thing to say. She basically blew up. She had to remind me that she does not love me anymore nor does she want to work on the M. I said fine then maybe you leaving is not a bad idea. She said she has been looking for an apartment in the kids school district but has not found one yet. I know she is not going to find one because we live mostly in the country but I did not say that to her. I explained to her that seperating is a good idea because her staying here is not helping out her problem or our marriage. She pretty much agreed.
Early in the week I spoke to mutual friend that neither of us has spoken to for three or four months. She said that she will call back later and talk to W. I spoke to the mutual friend on Sunday and she told me she has alot of anger built up inside some at me and some at family that has been brewing for awhile. She has resented me as for as some things that I have bought but she never really said that don't buy this or I'll be angry with you. Also as far as listening to her she said I never did. I will say that as far as listening you can't yell at people and expect them to listen, she never told me these things in a humane manner. She also told me the W is upset with family members because they never tried to help out with ailing grandmothers on herside that we both took care of. My wife has always said to me you have been great to my family and has always did things to help me out. There is more little things that have built up inside her that have all added to her problems.
I'm been doing alot of reading about anger inside a person and it seems to all lead to mid life crisis. All the lashing out, the affair, not loving me no more, not happy in marriage, angry at me, doesn't know what she wants in life, not happy in her life, not listening to anybody.
I decided to detach from her and not really talk to her alot about anythings. She asks me a question I answer it briefly. I'm just going to be there for the kids and myself and she can live her miserible life all by herself in herself let that OM be the doormat because I'm not. If she wishes in the future to talk about the marriage I'll listen but other then that or the kids the conversation ends. I can not contol her life but I can control mine. I refuse to be part of her destruction path. Let her destoy her life but not mine. I have already started operation detachment and I already feel better about myself. Sometimes you have to just let go.

codg- ihear you man, sometimes you cannont reason with a person in fogland. I'm in your same situation.
KDH we did the same thing a week ago. Hard but getting better everyday, hopefully she'll wake up

Hang in there codg

codg. yeah she is in deep fog my friend. Everything you are saying, the blme game, the babble,the justifications for bringing you and your family down. It's crazy but it is happening right now to a lot of people and the pattern is always the same.
As hard as it is, let her stay in her miserable world. I am doing the same thing and it's hard not to contact her because there is so much mutual responsibility to be taken care of. Just stay away from any type of intimate contact , verbal or otherwise. I am stone cold to her right now. she has to learn that she can't cake eat with me anymore.No more needs of any kind until she wakes up,if ever.

hey thanks KDH and bigwave for the replies just hard to deal with sometimes but I hope she would just move out. I really can't kick her out of our house we both paid for it. Unless you have any ideas about how to kick her out.

Well here is the latest. She wants us to split up but stay in the same house. She proposed that at certain days I live in the house for watching kids while she works and certain days she does the same while the other one lives in there parents house for those days. I told her I would meet her half way. I told her that I would agree to this if and only if she breaks the affair off from the OM. She replied,"I never said I would break it off with the OM.' I told her then a clean break is needed then. She says whats that, I told her that she needs to move out and get an apartment and see the real world trying to get by with what you make and pay your bills accordingly. She also needs to see the real OM for who he really is and needs to see you for who you really are. That is the only way you are going to see the light of what a mess you are in. She said to me that she rather do the first proposal because she does haven't to pay rent and other bills and put the money down on bills that we owe. she also said that the kids life would stay close to normal because they don't have to bouce from house to house. I said once again I will meet you half way on this if you are willing to meet me half way. She then said lets go to the lawyers and get a legal seperation. I said if I go to the lawyers the only legal seperation she is going to get is a divorce end of story. I have been more than fair with options and chances to work through this problem of hers/ours. I basically told her that if you what to keep seeing this guy you will get those papers by next week and you can count on that. Our kids have been through alot and this is my main reason for speeding up the process. These kids are starting to get pulled into her disaster of a life and I had to shift my feeling from working out marriage to stop the cancerous infection she brought into our life. These kids expecially my D8 is trying to keep my wife in check as far where is mommy and who are you talking to on the phone and my wife lashes out at her when our D8 prys into her personal life and my daughter is starting to become afraid of my wife because of the yelling and lashing out at her. Called a lawyer today thursday is my appt. for filling papers. I hope she sees the light because believe it or not this is not what I really want to do. I don"t want to keep living this life I hate it for what she has done to are family. I had another talk with her later in the day and asked her why would you give up on your family, friends, me, and the kids for a guy you have had three months of happiness I just don't understand your way of thinking. Things are much better in are life as far as the things we have addressed as far as the problems in the marriage. I have made improvements for the better part of the marriage and the kids but you have not end the A with the OM. She keeps on telling me that she don't love me right now and that seperation might be what we need. She says living together is not helping our marriage. I said what is not helping is the A you won't break off. I ended are convo with one last remark. I told her that you realize we are on the verge of a divorce and the choices we make today will have an everlasting affect on everbody in our family, me,you,and the kids so please think really hard what you want to do before you chose a guy you barely known over three months.

she wants her cake and eat it too. Either she stays and cuts off contact, or she goes. The choices shes making right now are having an impact on you, and the children right now, whether she can see it or not. My DD told my wife one day to just go, because you don't want to be with us any way, you'd rather be with him!

Well saturday I gave an ultamatum and she said she is ending the A

Well she has been going thru depression and told me today that she is not happy and she don't love me and she doesn't want the M. I tried to tell her that what she is feeling is normal and your not going to love me overnite. You have to give it time and see if my love will resurface. I tried telling her that it is going to be awhile for those feeling to come back you just got to let her heart open up. She is not happy with that response and she does not want to do this anymore. She thinks that we are putting on a show for the kids and she does not want to do this anymore. We are sleeping in the same bed and there is no feeling for you. I said lets sleep in seperate beds and see if that is better for awhile till things change. I asked her to hang in there and still stop seeing the OM. She said yes but not happy with me trying to work out M. I asked for two more weeks and in the mean time lets see the C together and tell her what we have done as far as you breaking the A and trying to see if her love for me will resurface. It is tough people to try and get her to see this as a good thing because it is not what she wants. If this doesn't work she whats mutual seperation. Hands are tied for now hoping she sees the light.

hang in there- at least your WW is still with you, mine is in OM arms. don't listen to her babble

My wife, Is still seeing OM, on a regular basis (Going to visit aunt Corrine, staying with aunt Corrine tonight) I tell you It would be easier for her to just keep cutting pieces of my heart. When she comes back I just have this awfull feeling of betrayal. I can identify with much of the postings here "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" dealing with an alien. My wife too his headstrong to terminate the marriage. After 5 weeks with OM, she potrays him as this christian family man. HOW CAN HE BE THIS HOME WRECKER. 6 weeks ago she was telling me how she loves me, and I still give her the tingles after 10yrs, the folowing week she got drunk camping he took advantage, and now she says our marriage has been lousy for years, I never cared for her etc. Now she want's to move to her brothers 50 miles away to be by him (he's 38 4x divorcee)and ferry our son back and forth to school the week that she has him (we will alternate weeks) She is such a stone cold B**c* to me. I still try to co-operative, such as working on her car/groceries/meals etc. every time It get's thrown back in my face, she has had an attourney summons me also. This is all happening so damn fast

Mntomy,

Please see an attorney ASAP. You need to protect yourself, or else your ww will screw you more than you ever imagined possible.

Second, please go to GQII and post your sitch. That way you will get more help.

Third, make a plan ASAP. What you are doing right now is letting her walk all over you. Being a doormat will only ensure the demise of your marriage, the loss of your self respect, the destruction of your son's well being, and you being totally screwed over. For your son, if not for your sake, get some advices from a lawyer and from the MB members in GQII as soon as possible.

Best

P.s. Note that you only have a certain amount of time, anywhere from 14 to 30 days, to respond to a summon. Get with it and protect yourself. Your ww will not.

Well we talked again tonight about trying to work on the M. She says she will give some more time and see if the feeling come back.I hope Dr. Harley is right about withdrawal and her feeling for me will come back. She just tells me that she has the choice to go with OM and maybe I'll be happier or stay here with you and the kids and put on a show for everbody and maybe my love for you comes back but I can't promise that. She does keep saying I haven't seen or talked to the OM since saturday. I just keep reassuring her that I appreciate that and you are making the right choice to try and get over him and possibly work on the M. She has requested space and told her I will give it. We sort of agreed to try and sleep in different beds or take turns living in house. She also tells me that the is not here for me nor does she know if is ever going to be. I just keep telling her I do love you and I appreciate the chance you are giving me and us to try on working the M after your feeling subside for the other guy. I tell her to hang in there I'll be right beside you when you need me.

UVA,
I do have an lawyer, and have my response drawn up, that will have to be sent within the next 10 days. Now she want's to mediate as she has no money, and want's out of the M fast. I would seem, she will move out in 2 weeks, she has told her lawyer to hold off on the summons (we have requested written notification of that) Get this I went home after lunch to pick up something for work. She was there, she took the day off to cook and bake for the OM, and was hoping to be done before I got back. I tell you I can't understand any of this. I just picked up my stuff and left. How the heck can things fall apart sooo quickly. I want to work on keeping on our marriage but It seems pointless. She is willing to do anything for OM. Most of the time I am OK, but then sadness comes

Yeah the sadness is overwhelming sometimes, I'm sick of it already! I'm 2 months post DDay and we're on separate continents! Long story...
I miss him terribly, but when they're in the "throes" I don't know what more we can do. It sounds like you're being level headed which is hugely important. Keep breathing! Hugs and prayers....

Hi Codg and Michi,

Go to GQII like Mntony did and post your sitches. You will get much more help from there. There are many vets who would be willing to help.

Best

Well last thursday she went to see her lawyer which I thought was a kick in the face if you are working on the M. She told me she just wanted to see what her rights are. I have told her previously that I cancelled mine because you chose to work on the M. Well I'm starting to see the wrighting on the wall she wants out.
Then friday went to B-laws house for party she decided to take wedding band off. That sort of tipped me over. She proceded to tell me that it is over and I want out. Well in the day earlier I did make an appointment with my lawyer on monday thank god.
So all weekend she made the point clear she wants out and told 10 different ways. Well it sunk in I went to my lawyers on monday and low and behold my lawyer told me{a guy} that I have a very good chance to keep the kids,house,and get child support. Well that took me off guard. So I go home and guess who calls me from her work? The wife! How did the lawyer go? I said okay. She than said what are we going to do I said it looks like D. She replied, What about the house,the kids, the bills. I just told her it isn't going to be pretty when we get done. She said she had to go talk to you tonight. Well I get home she is waiting to talk. She said, well what are we going to do. I said get a D isn't that what you want. You told me you want out all weekend. So I will give it to you. She had to go to work she works midnights so she said I'll talk to you in the A.M. She calls me from work in the middle of the night and wants to work on M. I told her that she needs to write a letter to OM telling you are through with him and you love your H and kids and the A was a mistake. So she gets home from work and she said she dropped the letter off in his mailbox. I said I was supposed to read it.
Well went to MC today together and she was telling MC that all are friends are on H side MC did not like that told me to not say stuff to friends or family except we are working on the M. After MC I told wife I was not happy at MC because it felt like it was two against one. I also told her that I am emotionally drained and I don't know if I have any hope or energy to work on M. Wife said what do you want to do I said maybe just get the D. I said,Lots easier then trying to work on something that the other isn't trying. I'll tell you this. This approach is extremly draining for the heart because as of monday I the one that has been fighting for the M decided to quit and get a D. It is just a hard road after another hard road when does the hills and mountians start to level off so you aren't climbing upward it has to get easier I hope somewhere.