Your WW has some obvious misgivings about letting go of the M now that you have acquiesced to her constant demands for a D. It could well have been that her demands for a D were nothing more than a tactic to keep you scared and thus accept her relationship with the OM. Is it because there is some love for you still inside of her heart or is it that she knows and is scared big time of what the legal consequences of a D will cost her? Who knows but it is most likely that your WW is still in contact with the OM and until she commits to end all contact with him and emerge from the withdrawl she will experience, the chances of the marriage surviving become smaller and smaller. What should you do? Well for starters, it is a waste of time and money to continue going to MC while she is still involved with the OM. Why? Because the sessions become nothing more than an exercise for her to apeace her conscience and say to herself and others that she 'tried' but that the M was not salvageable. And lets face it, there is no way that she can realistically expect to do her part of the necessary hard work to save/rebuild the marriage if her emotional energies are still being diverted to the OM. So please consider seriously you stop going to MC until she commits to ending all contact with the OM by having you mail a letter to the OM and being accountable to you about her time and whereabouts. These conditions are deal breakers and if she is unwilling to accept them then I beleive that you should seriously consider continuing with the D. Remember that it takes two to save/rebuild a marriage.

TMCM

Well thanks T00MuchCoffeeMan for the advice she has told me she has cut all ties with OM. I guess from her I'll just have to try and trust her. I figure if that is true I should see the signs of withdrawal soon if the signs don't show then we will both know the answer to that. Meanwhile she wants to start to be friends before we can be H and W again. I'll try it her way, she won't listen to my ideas so we'll give it a shot got to start somewhere. Any other ideas I'd like to hear them.

CODG:

So far, you have acted very well. Now it is up to her.

I suspect - strongly - that she is still seeing OP and that she found out that her she is going to lose it all through a divorce. Soooooo, she is buying time.

Bluntly, fire the MC. He/she is a nitwit and unqualified to counsel infidility. My FWW and I went to one counseling session with a QUALIFIED MC and my FWW did NOT like her or what she was told. We haven't been back. On the other hand, the things said took hold and FWW started waking up.

My FWw sent one note to the OP after that session semi-mocking it and me. That was her last note. For whatever reason, she decided to really, really break contact. That caused a ruckus with the OP, who felt BETRAYED. What a joke. I laughed my [email]a@@[/email] off over that one.

Three days later, my FWW sent the OP the termination letter - and I approved it. While she won't come here, she is following the program pretty well.

My way of handling my FWw at the time was to keep it real simple:

1. I love you with all my heart.
2. You are in an infatuation, which is the same thing as being hooked on crack so far as your brain works.
3. When you come down from the infatuation, you are going to experience emotions of guilt, betrayal, remorse and a dozen other things that will make your joy trip right now simply not worth it.
4. You are hooked up with a person willing to destroy a marriage - and so are you.
5. If you do not quit lying to yourself and terminate the affair - both contact and in your mind, I am going for a divorce.
6. I am doing this for me and the kids. I will help you if you will let me - also.
7. I will not be your doormat. Grow up or get out, those are your choices.
8. I love you and I always will, but I will not live a lie with you nor will I stand by and watch you lying to yourself or hurting yourself, me or the kids, period, end of discussion.

Then demand complete accountability. If she slips one time, simply state that the next time is the kiss of death.

I don't know you situation - this is basically what I did my FWW and it worked. I gave her a week and within that week, she terminated contact with OP and started reattaching to me.

Several weeks later, she thanked me and said: "What we have now is your doing." When I asked what she meant, she said: "You pee standing up."

This may or may not work for you. Everyone is different.

That is pretty much what I said the past two times she was willing to break it off with the guy. Both times she tried to break it off and two or three days later she is back calling or seeing OM. Well this is probably the last straw she just don't get it. Must be the OM is more important then the M OR kids. Someday the fog will clear but will be to late.

Well caught her again with the OM cell phone on friday after she said she broke the A off to try on M. Then she was angry and said she wants a D and I said you can't make me do something I don't want to do just like I can't make you do something you don't want to do. She had no reply to that. I have to come to reality with this that she isn't going to try on M. I have tried to talk to her about this A and the length bing only four months and you are willing to throw everthing away. All she really says is I'm not happy living with you here in this house. I just keep getting the typical A responses: I don't love you{him meeting her EN}, I have never loved you{ justifing the A},and I don't want the M right know{thinks grass is greener on the other side}. So here I sit with my hands tied with our two kids S{7}and D{8} and she says she cares about the kids but doesn't care if the kids have to go though a seperation of parents because she is selfish.

Tne both of us talked about a legal seperation. She does not want a divorce and honestly I really don't either. What she wants to do is go live with OM after seperation papers filed. I said if thats going to make you happy because you have only known him a hot four months knock yourself out. She also wants our kids to live their some of the time only when she is there. I suggested maybe you should ease into bringing the kids over there right now and let them get use to mom and dad not living together. She said she isn't going to do that. This is an endless battle she does not even care about the kids emotional scars this could put on them I just give up. This is all about me and if you don't like this oh well. No matter any suggestions I give or opinions she does just the opposite. I tried to explain to her that kissing,hugging, or other close intimate things with this guy could effect them inside and she said she would not do this in front of them. I just don't trust her.

Nor should you trust her. She is drunk with infatuation. Her judgment is off, selfishness is reigning. Do everything you can to prevent the kids from being with her while she is seeing OM. Talk to your lawyer about making that part of the divorce decree.

You are absolutely right, seeing a parent snoodling with another snookie pie is horribly damaging. I'm so sorry for your children.

Ok, you have done it by the book. Now let the sordid mess proceed down the certain path it will take. Protect yourself and the kids AT ALL COST.

She may or may not wake up.

Meantime, you have an obligation to take care of the family you have left, you and the kids Go see a lawyer immediately. Know your rights. Then exercise them.

An infatuation sometimes doesn't survive daylight. What do you know about the OM? What is her situation - whould exposure create an uncomfortable situation for her?

Good luck

the A was exposed the first week I found out about the A. The OM is divorced go figure so pressure on his side I couldn't make. She handled the pressure on her side well. She basically wrote off all friends and some family.

You can't be serious. You were allow a legal separation so she can play house with the OM and bring the kids over to visit. I guess you are the doorprise if it does not work out then she can come back. Talk about a cakewoman. She will have absolutely no respect for you. How could she respect a husband that says it is all right to go live and have sex with your boyfriend and if it does not work I will be home waiting for you. You have to be kidding me. My friend you and your children deserve better than this. What a message you are giving to your children. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Listen to Banp - he is telling it like it is. I got straight and that is what it took to get my wife staight.

Let me share with you something that my wife said when the fog lifted.

She said: "We owe everything we have now to you - 200%."

When pressed to explain, she said: "You pee standing up."

Figure it out then do what's right.

Thanks to you guys and alot of friends. Went to the lawyers today he said absolutely not on a seperation. Its time to do the right thing for you and the kids. Get her out of your life and the kids so you can do whats right for you two. If she is willing to give you just about everything take it know and don't look back. I filed the D she knows and is happy just like me! This sitch just wasn't getting better just worst thats for the support.

Well its amazing how things go when you start giving the cold shoulder and not telling your where abouts all the time, she doesn't like it. She said I have to tell you my where abouts all the time. Yea right, like I'm going to work, but it is two hours early. She does not like it when I know her life but I not telling mine no more.

Hang in ther codg. I kicked my ww out 5 weeks ago. I foolishly stayed in contact with her and gave her the satisfaction of knowing I still needed her ww [censored]. Well 2 weeks ago i decided enough was enough. I stopped calling emailing, everything. She wants us to sell the house and get a divorce but wants me and her family to take care of all of her %50 of the responsibility of selling it (repairs, agents,ect..) Screw that. I guess she wants her older sister to file the divorce also.
Meanwhile i have completely shut her down. she called last week asking "when are you going to remodel the bathroom?" "When are you moving out" when are we selling the house"(WE??). I just calmly explained that if she wanted all of this so bad she could help.I also explained that i am moving when I am ready to move. I kept my answers vaugue and then chnaged the subjest to something totally unrelated to our marriage. she is desperate now. she is alternating between staying at om place and sleeping on younger sisters couch. WW is way uncomfortable now. Good i am leaving her ww [censored] in that situation as long as I want. Ball is in my court now baby.
Stay up codg.

She is still living with me she got served D papers tuesday and she wasn't happy. She knew they were coming I told her. My wife is in a huge fog. Last sunday we talked about everthing from the sitch to the kids, but every hour or so I would try to leave and she reply were are you going? I said I'm just leaving. Why should I talk to you and nothing gets solved. You are still going to see the OM and I will be wasting my breath. So what else do you want to talk about because this conversation is going no where.Then Monday we got along good till seven thirty at night and she said I'm leaving. I said where are you going she said the OM house. Sort of looks like a game to me. Oh well give me everything in the D and walk away I'm done trying she can have a happy life. I will rebuild mine with my kids.

Well funny thing happened today. We are still living in the same house. She says she can't leave yet but she already got her D papers. Any way she confronts me on going out some nights to bars with her friends that she doesn't hang with no more because she is to involved with OM. These friends are girls and she says to me, Why do you lie to me? Why do I have to tell you were you are going. I started laughing! Let me get this straight? You cheated on me and still are cheating on me and I have to tell you were I am going and if I don't tell you I'm the liar. I know were you are going, you are going to the OM house ever chance you can or you call him behind my back. But that isn't lieing? I told her don't turn me into the liar YOU LIED, YOU BETRAYED, YOU BROKE ARE TRUST. NOT ME.. I said so let me get this straight. You want me to put my cards on the table but you don't have to. She said you told me you want me to tell you were I am going. I told her what I said is that I want to know were the kids are if you drop them off somewhere I want to know they are okay and not in the ditch or in an accident. I don't care where you are just the kids.

The W and I talked today about all the stuff we are faced with as far as the D. I had to ask her. Have you ever looked back and tried to fix the M since the A? She replied it is to far gone to even try. You don't trust me and I don't trust you. I cant believe she dont trust me. I didnt cheat on her. Well her mind is made up. She is not going to try and fix any thing. She justs says she is not happy here in this house with me. I said how can you be happy with me when you are in an A with the OM. You have never tried to let me make you happy since the A. You are to involved with the OM to try to fix our M. Just a lost cause. It is so much easier to walk away and go live with the OM. Four months of an A and she is willing to throw a M away and split kids up for her own happiness. When will the fog lift if ever.

I con't this in the general question II under "wifes wants to separate." My story con't