My wife has a 11 year old son. He is from a relationship with another man, who she was never married to. He is still inthe picture and has joint custody. I have been married to my wife since he was 5. He has never thought of me as his dad because his birth father has always been around. His birth father and I are VERY different people with VERY different rules in the house.
I have been completely frustrated trying to parent him. He has A.D.D. which further complicates the issue. My wife says I need more patience and shouldn't have such high expectations of him. I think she babies him (treats him like a 6 year old instead of a 11 year old). We have fought so much about this, at times I have just stopped parenting him completely. By this I mean that everytime he comes to me for something (permission to stay up late, or to go to a friends house, or whatever) I just say, "you'll have to ask your mother."
I can tell he gets confused by this. He has even asked me why he has to ask Mom. I have told him it is because he does not listen to me, and that he only listens to his Mom, so I am not going to waste my time telling him things. He just shrugs his shoulders and runs to his Mom. His Mom doesn't care. She tells me it is because I haven't given him a reason to respect me so he doesn't have to listen to me.
This is rediculous to me. My dad never had to "earn" my respect. If I didn't obey I got a leather whip on my backside. There was no question as to who was the parent and "if" you had to obey or not. Now I am in a relationship where I am told the child only has to obey if they "feel" like it (feel respect that is).
I am not sure where the balance is between parenting him and being his friend to earn his respect. Complex issue I know. But all advice is appreciated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

WOW!! I know I didnt write that, but what a mirror of my family. I am curious to the responses from people. I feel for you. I have finally figured out my respect issue. You learn respect from example. In my case, my wife does not respect my needs and feelings, therefore my stepson has no respect for them either. What an agonizing existence this creates. You cant fault the child. You learn to respect by example. Show him respect, I know it hurts, and feel secure in yourself for doing the right thing. If you are over ruled even once in front of him, you are back to square one. Your wife needs to understand this. Mine doesnt. She doesnt respect my opinion. Therefore he doesnt. Good luck, and I will be listening in, if you dont mind.

i am married and i have an eleven year old son from a previous relationship. my son's father is not very active in his life but he does come around occasionally. my son did not meet his father until he was seven(he was in prison)
my son thought that my husband was his father until my husband told me when he was seven to tell him who his father is (he was one year old when we got together). i told my son and this confused him very much. my husband in turn decided that since his biological father was out of prison to stop parenting my son. my son in turn does not really respect him and he sees it as my husband plays favorites to the children that we have together he does not know that my husband is jealous of the relationship that he has with the biological father. instead of my h trying to do what we are accustomed to he has just withdrawn completely. you are married to his mother and you deserve respect as the live-in parent if nothing else. make rules and discuss them with the mother and enforce them. i hope this helps

“””He has never thought of me as his dad because his birth father has always been around.”””

Which is perfectly understandable, he should think of you as a step-father and not his dad.

“””I have been completely frustrated trying to parent him.”””

Have you and your wife had specific talks about your role as a step-parent? Have you done any reading on being a step-parent?

“””He has A.D.D. which further complicates the issue. My wife says I need more patience and shouldn't have such high expectations of him. I think she babies him (treats him like a 6 year old instead of a 11 year old). We have fought so much about this”””

And how’s that working for you? Obviously not very good. Actually step-children are the reason that many marriages don’t work. There are some wonderful books out there that talk about integrating families and I don’t think it’s to late for you both to get educated and work towards reconciling the problem rather than a continual power struggle.

“””By this I mean that everytime he comes to me for something (permission to stay up late, or to go to a friends house, or whatever) I just say, "you'll have to ask your mother."”””

Which is perfectly fine…

””””I can tell he gets confused by this.”””

The other reason for confusion could be the lack of consistency. If one day you are answering those questions then the next you’re not, then that adds to his confusion. Children desire and need consistency, with him having other issues (add) that need is far greater for him to have the best opportunity to succeed.

“””He has even asked me why he has to ask Mom. I have told him it is because he does not listen to me, and that he only listens to his Mom, so I am not going to waste my time telling him things.”””

EErrrrrrrrch…….STOP……. Did you serious say that? Do you realize that you just called a child a waste of your time? That may not be your words but that’s what he hears, heck that’s what I hear. So in one breath your demanding power and in the next you’re calling him a waste and all the while he’s spinning around in a world of confusion.

“””She tells me it is because I haven't given him a reason to respect me so he doesn't have to listen to me.”””

Again, I think you would gain tremendously for reading up on step-parenting. You are not his dad and truly the rules are not the same.

”””This is ridiculous to me. My dad never had to "earn" my respect. If I didn't obey I got a leather whip on my backside.”””

Which is ridiculous to me but that’s not necessarily relevant to our conversation. What is relevant is the belief that respect should be drawn from fear physical discipline. Does that sound healthy to you? Do you only respect a police officer because he might shoot you? No, you respect him/her because they are there to protect you and even provide guidance at times when you make poor choices.

You know, you two being so far apart on this can lead to going further apart. If you stand fast on your disciplinary style tactics, then she may try to be overly patient to try to make up for what she sees as an injustice. So who’s seeking the middle ground here?

There is a book called the Smart Step-Family; By Ron Deal,
that has some awesome information, they even have a website
with articles you should check out.

Maybe instead of saying He should ask his mother, ask him "Have you asked your mother?" If yes, then ask "what did she say?" if, Not, then answer the boy.

That is how you earn his respect. If you say NO, then his mother should respect that, if He goes to her and asks her after you've said No, then you and her need to sit down and
discuss the issue privately--She should also be asking him "Did you ask your step-dad?" "What did he say?"

that way he's not working against you, but you two learn to work together.

ALL kids do this with their parents, whether step-families or not, and they eventually learn that the parents will always ask Did you ask the other parent? What did they say?
and with that they learn the parents are working together.

One of the things I do, is when my kids ask if they can do something after I've asked if they have talked to their step-dad, is to say, "Well, let me discuss it with him and see what's going on first."

As there are some days he has to get up at 4 in the morning, so kids staying up late or friends staying over, isn't really an option, especially when they get loud and he can't get the rest he needs for work.

And as far as discipline goes, ask your wife what she needs from you.

I know one of the things I need from my h is his backing me when I tell the kids to do something, just as HE needs my support in that area.

Like if I tell the kids do their chores, if they haven't gotten up to get them started he says "What did Your mother tell you to do, get in there and get it done?" and I do the same thing when he tells them to do something. "What did he tell you to do, get in there and get it done NOW!"

Kids need to see the parents working together, and supporting one another.

My kids still see their dad too, and he has different rules at his house than we have here, I just let them know in no uncertain terms "I'm not their dad, and they aren't at his house right now, and I said, Get it done.!"

Your his step-parent by choice, so support his mom, and that will earn his respect.

Oh, another thing, does he have chores and such? If so, before you give permission to do something ask if he's completed his homework or his chores, and if he has, and you don't have other things going on...let him go.

kaknuk and dad44,

I too, have the same desperate situation at home. My new husband (we have been married less than a year) has an 11 year old daughter and a 16 year old son.

I am in a very bad place about my future with this man. It is slowly killing my respect for him and I am getting very resentful. I appreciate your entries, because I am glad to know that I am not alone.

Our story:
The 16 year old son, lived with us for a brief time, he is bi-polar, has ADD and is heavily medicated. He is currently living outside the home in a place for kids who have similar issues.

Prior to him leaving, my husband and I (at that time fiancé) dealt with a 16 year old kid, that stole from us, ran away, constant conflict. My husband had a tendency to treat the 16 year old like crap and the 11 year old like a princess. This was hard for me... so, I explained to him what I perceived as unfair...he listened, accepted the feedback and even during a rough time; he and I were extremely close.

My step daughter (not the same mother as his son), lives with us every other week. My husband and his daughter have what feels like a very exclusive relationship.

In the beginning, she was interested in getting to know me... once we got married, and really once the marriage plans started, her behavior became more and more undesirable.

Before getting married, my husband and I talked about my role in this new family...could I discipline? Will my input be considered, even though I haven’t had any children of my own? We agreed (foolishly).

Fast-forward 9 months later and you will find a marriage that is barely holding on (although, he would not say it is that far off, I am much more distant and angry than he). I find my step daughter to be an "ok" kid. Definitely, not the same kid my husband sees. She doesn’t get great grades, she doesn’t play sports, read books, paint, show interest in anything other than sitting right next to her father...She doesn’t laugh, or sing or play outside, unless her father is with her. She doesn’t have lots of friends, no slumber party invitations, no kids calling for play dates. Like most kids, she claims she is BORED most the time and for the most part just seems BLAH.

I have tried to include her, entertain her... I arrange play dates with my nieces, slumber parties with my nieces, outings to museums, ball games, parks... I have shopped with her... even tried to BUY her affection... the whole bit. I get nothing back from her but a momentary smirk.

Lately, she can not be without my husband for more than 2 minutes... he goes to the bathroom, she is waiting for him... he takes out the garbage, she gets her thongs on to walk out with him... we eat out, and she insists he sits next to her in the booth.

I have voiced my issues with her to my husband ( I am concerned about her development and our marriage) and he turns on his protection switch (protection from WHO? ME?) and ultimately we argue.

Now the fights come more fast and furious, even when she isn’t there. I tell him that I think she is having trouble dealing with this new marriage...and that blended families are never initially easy... he tells me that I do have a degree in psyche, so I don’t know what I am talking about. (Like you have to be a freaking genus to figure this out).

Even today, we have lunch together as a family... she is bored and in a bad mood and behaves accordingly. The waitress tries to take her order and my step daughter is pouty and rude to her. I sat there waiting for my husband to say something to her... finally, he said... what’s the matter with you today, you are off? She just mumbles nothing... and we continue the miserable lunch.

Finally, I can’t take it anymore... After all, they just got back from picking out new purple paint to paint her room (my idea), we are going to a fun amusement park tomorrow (my idea, even took the day off of work to spend time together as a family)... and Sat, a ball game.... what could possibly be so bad for this little girl? I told her that her behavior was rude, and I asked her to remember her manners, even when she is in a gloomy mood.

My husband was less than pleased. Finally, I dismissed them, while I waited for the check. I asked him to talk to her about this in the car... he thought that was a ridiculous idea... "Everyone has off days".

Yeah, but she has them all the time and he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t consider my input because a baby hasn’t passed through me (forget the fact that I nannied 3 wonderful girls, and my mother was a preschool teacher for 30 years - I have been around children my whole life!)

We have talked about getting counseling... but, he has told me several times that counselors aren’t helpful. So, unless we get a great one, I think we are in trouble.

There is nothing more in the world I want than to have a baby, a family... but clearly, he and I aren’t on the same page with discipline...and it affects our marriage. I was pregnant 1 month after our marriage and lost the baby at 4 months... perhaps it was a blessing after all?

I don’t know what to do... I truly believe that my husband does not have allegiance to me...rather, his daughter only... anyone (like me) who suggests that she isn’t perfect is an idiot or unworthy of his love.

I love my husband so much... but I dont love his daughter, in fact I loathe the 2 weeks a month that I have to spend working so hard to seek her approval (hence, my husbands approval).

I am really not very good at "sucking it up"... and since I have been married, it seems it is all I do. I haven't felt close to my husband since I lost that baby (his daughter NEVER said anything to me about losing that baby... not one word.. not one tear... nothing).

I'm in a very very bad place right now.

I am living the stepfamily drama, and trust me it is a drama. It has pushed me into corners I never thought I would be pushed in. It has made everyone involved miserable in some way.
I had to learn to detach (some books call it disengage), something I think you need to learn to do. The motto although harsh sounding is "Not my kid, not my problem". You should only voice your opinion when you feel comfortable. There is so much. I do believe that your stepson has to respect you, he does not have to love you, but he does have to respect you and vice versa.

Good Luck

I have read about parents who successfully practice detachment. I don't know the books, but there are apparently some good ones out there. I agree with Ryesmom that you should detach. Not from hate, but from a desire to protect yourself and your marriage. This means you also do not get involved in conflict with, or criticism of, your stepdaughter, however. "Not your kid, not your problem" means just that -- whether you are being asked to do something for her, or whether you think she's being beastly. You have to keep your mouth shut as if you had no responsibility to her. Not just when you choose, but always.
Through detachment, you aren't being hateful or neglectful toward a stepchild, but you set limits that protect your feelings. If you aren't treated as the loved and respected mate of your spouse in the family relationship, and if your stepchild won't listen to you or treat you with respect, you detach -- you politely decline to do things like drive the child to football practice, shop for their clothes, etc. until you are a full partner in the relationship.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My stepdaughter was like this for a while, too, but grew out of it. Your stepdaughter has had a brother shipped off to a special school, and she's probably very insecure. I think she might need some therapy to make her feel more confident, and less terrified of being apart from your husband. But until your husband realizes that, you might need to detach.

http://www.childlessstepmoms.org

They are great for the understanding support, which I think you need right now, from women who are living the same thing.

Reading the posts here and I hear some real challenges! I sure can relate to the problems. I'd like to share my story.

In August of this year my then 17 year old daughter moved out and in with her Dad. (2hrs. away) Problems between my 2nd husband and her started just before we married. Unfortunatly they continued to worsen. My H felt that when and if he said jump, she better do it. He complained constantly that she wouldn't spend time with us. The time he wanted her to spend with us was when we worked on something outside, chores or sitting around watching TV. He didn't feel he should have to "entertain" her and find things she would like doing. He also wanted her to be responsible for all the chores around the house. His thought pattern on this was that both of us worked each day and all she did was go to school so she "should" do this.

My H always compared her to his step children in his last marriage. B/C the oldest son from that past marriage didn't study when he went to college and wasted the money he put towards it, He would not allow us to put any money towards my daughter's college. My H hated anytime I spent with her doing "girl" things and punished both of us with his attitude when we'd return home. I could site all kinds of things he complained about but that would get very lengthy and boring for all of you reading.

Other problems were that when my daughter had a friend over, all he did was complain and make everyone feel uncomfortable. If he didn't like her friend, he would hound that kid all the time. Said it was our house and if my D or her friends didn't like it, then they didn't need to come around.

My H wanted me to support him on all these decisions he made. I wanted to show a wall of support BUT on some of these very unfair and unreasonable things I couldn't. That was a LB for him. No matter how hard I tried to reason with him, he would just compare me to the X and say I wasn't teaching my daughter how to respect him and usually gave me quite a litenay about how disrespectful I was.

The event that made my daughter finally moved out happened on a Sunday evening. My H and I hadn't been home 10 minutes from what I thought had been a good weekend and he made a demand. He told my daughter to go out and cut the lawn with the push mower. (We have a little over 1/2 and acre.) She said No I'm not going to do that. An argument started. My H told her she better do it. No one was going to disrespect him and continue living in this house. She did offer to do the trim work around the deck and house. He told her NO that wasn't what he told her to do. She then said she guessed then that she'd have to move out.

I could not believe my ears when I heard all this. After she left, he continued to argue with me and tell me what a bad parent I was and how disrespectful I'd been to him. Told me he was going to have to pay for this for a long time.

I am very hurt! He demanded respect and yet never gave it to her. We still can not talk about this situation without an argument incurring. He feels justified in what he did and believes if I'd been a more supportive W and better parent this would never of happened. I disagree.

She was a decent kid. Not doing drugs, not staying out to all hours of the night, no body piercings, didn't swear at us, wasn't sneaking out on us or getting into trouble at school. Did she test us at times, YES but I don't know of many teenagers that don't.

To make matters worse, he has a handicapped daughter. He doesn't discipline her at all. Claims she doesn't know any better b/c of her handicap. Again, I disagree. She understands a lot more than he gives her credit for and when I say discipline, I do mean something that's appropriate for her. He deals with her being at our home by allowing her to sit in her bedroom and watch children's videos all day and night. Of coarse it's the X's fault b/c that's what she allows her to do all the time. I use to bring her out and try and get her to play with toys or put music on and we'd dance and stuff. I got tired of this b/c her father was not participating very often in these activities. He would watch TV, play on the computer, go outside and start working on a project, etc. etc. Yet is always telling family and friends how much he cares about his daughter and all that he does for her.

My H also wants me to do all the female things for his daughter b/c he doesn't want to be accused by his X of abusing her sexually. (Long story about how him and X relate.) I think it's more about him not wanting to take responsibility for his own daughter That means I do the baths, diapers, handle her period when she has it, hair, getting her up for school (if she's here during the week) etc.etc. I feel like a prisoner to the house b/c he hates it if I make plans while she's here that don't include them. I'm suppose to only do family things when she's around. I have to wonder if it's more about him wanting me to be here to take care of her. What it feels like to me is, I'm allowed to give his daughter time and attention and not mine. I'm tired of it and feel it's very unfair! I can't bring up this subject to him, it usually ends in an argument. It's not so much that I object to doing things for his daughter. What I object to is him saying his daughter and family are important to him and that he's such a great parent and has been there and done all that yet spends very little time actually getting to know the needs and wants of the kids.

I'm sure you hear a lot of anger on my part about all of this. It is so frustrating!!!!!!! I would like to bring some health to this area and don't know how I can get through his defensive nature to ever listen.

Well thanks to you all for allowing me a safe area to vent all this.