Hello everyone,

I am new to this board. I posted my situation on the Just Found Out forum, but someone suggested posting here for more input.

Too keep my story short, my H just basically got dumped by the OW on Sunday. His contact with her has been going on for a year. He denies any sexual contact and says that they were only friends. However, I know for a fact he bought her gifts and stuff for her children and had spent the night on a couple of occassions. He and I separated in January and have been ever since.

On Sunday night he let me know that his distraction was gone and that the friendship was unhealty for him. No mention of reconcilling with me or anything.

Since that he has been calling me all the time. I just do not know what to do or how to respond. I have been nice and take some of his calls, but not all. He seems to act like everything is Ok and nothing ever happened. I am still hurt, angry and confused and do not trust him. He has told me on other occassions that he was not talking to her, but some how they always ended up talking later.

I am just having a hard time because over the year I have been called names and that he has been miserable forever and that he loves me, but not in love with me - etc. Now everything is supposed to be happy?

Our anniversary is tomorrow and he did ask me about going out to dinner - so that is also new.

I just do not know now how to handle the situation. Do I just sit back and see what happens? He just seems to show no remorse at the moment - will that come? He is in therapy and seems to like the person he is seeing, so I am hopeful for that.

I just do not want to be a doormat or a second choice and I feel that way - is that normal? Everyone says I am crazy for hanging in there, that the way I have been treated over the past year was awful and I should move on.

Any insight would be helpful, suggestions as to how to handle the situation. Thanks.

Well...my first question to you is what do YOU want?

Dear Deane,
I am new to this myself, I just wanted you to know I sympathise with you and am sure more of the more experienced members will be able to give you some excellent adivce.
May god give you strength and wisdom to do what is best for you.

Honestly, I do not know what I want - that is part of my problem - How do you trust again? Part of me says great we get back together, but then what if he leaves again 6 months down the raod. I have a 4 and 7 year old that have had a hard time dealing with this and I do not want them hurt anymore.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier to move on, but there is a part of me that will not let go and I do not know if that is because I love him or the financial security.

One thing he has not said is I want you back and I want to make this work, so until I hear that is there any hope?

Deanna - he and his ow have not even been apart for a week. I think he needs more time. He is going thorugh withdrawal right now. It is good that you talk to him. However, I feel he needs more time. Does he know how much pain he has caused you? Have you talked about any of this ? I would proceed with caution right now. The fog has not cleared and it goes in and out before totally going away. Have you read about withdrawal. He needs to show remorse. I would suggest he goes to his counselor for help at this point. He needs to find out just what he wants.

If you want to try to make your M work then read up on Plan A, read the book Surviving An Affair and probably Not Just Friends as well. Identify the issues that were in your M before and change those things in YOU that were not appealling to your H. At this point you may want to explore dating, do not allow in to move right back in and further disrupt your children's lives.

why don't you start with writing a list of what you want like somebody said, and post it here?

I think this is very good news, but proceed calmly, cooly, and with caution. I would go out for dinner with him for your anniversary, but wouldn't bring up relationship talk. He has a long way to go - through withdrawal, being remorseful, and sincerely wanting to work on the marriage.

He needs to earn his way back to the marriage, if you decide you still want him. You are holding all of the cards right now. Don't tip your hand.

Hopefully some of the BS's whose WS's were dumped by the OP will chime in here. But all in all, I think your situation is very hopeful. You have waited this long, so there is no need to rush right now.