Wow, mimi! I see that as a big step in your recovery. How safe do you feel in depending on him?

Mimi,

This IS an interesting development.

I'm curious - what parts of your job "celebrate" the who you've become that you like so much? The parts you would like to hang on to.

These person recovery changes have obviously had a ripple effect on your husband...let us know how POJA goes.

I haven't been around much in years - didn't know about the stroke (sorry) and hadn't heard the great story about the "coincidental" job... what I've heard in Al-Anon is that a coincidence is a miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous - but wanted to chime in as being a BrambleRose fan.

I hold the dubious distinction of having BR's posts to me archived in the Notable Posts section of MB. Obviously they were helpful to others, even though I didn't sound like I was getting it... I was pretty thick headed then and a great foil for BR's wisdom! I may not have gotten it then, but I'm getting it now and hopefully, passing it on.

oh dear, I once had to take a group of y.a.n.k.e.e.s to Billy Bob's in Fort Worth! And they wore polo shirts and shorts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Thank the good Lord we didn't get an a** whoopin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

wow....Hi LetSTry!!! (((hugs)))

Hi BR! {{{hugs}}} back atcha. It's good to see you're still here offering your wisdom to the suffering. I don't know when the light bulb finally went on - at some point I heard myself telling others the same stuff you'd told me, and WOW! I realized I'd finally gotten what you were telling me. At the time I thought you were kind of brutal and just didn't understand my particular situation, LOL!

Truthfully, I've paid a high price for whatever wisdom I've garnered over the past 4+ years...

LetStry ~ I was reading my old threads a couple of days ago, and I was doing a search on you to find out what happened to you!

Now isn't that interesting that you should pop in the very next day!


Ugh. We human beings are so darn stubborn and put ourselves through so much before we yell Uncle!

I'm sorry that you felt brutalized back then. I am sometimes too direct and too blunt ... I'm working on that. Harming those I'm trying to help is rather counterproductive!

So...update please...lol my search on you didn't really tell me much about what happened to you!

GQII is a busy board. I had to go to the 3rd page to find this thread!

I didn't feel brutalized, just misunderstood. I wanted someone to tell me what I wanted to hear. But, you were right. I was trying to manipulate my H to end his A and quit drinking and using. It wasn't working, never did work. I was afraid to let go, afraid of what might happen to me if I couldn't win him back, afraid to open my eyes. I felt so beaten down by his verbal abuse I really didn't think I could survive without him. We own a business and I assumed he'd run it and I'd have to leave... where would I go? what would I do? What about the kids (his son, his niece, and his nephew)?

That was 4+ years ago... I've had no contact since (other than legal). I've been running the business alone. WH lost his professional license and hasn't worked. I send him a check every two weeks, which is part of his final settlement. There's been lots of alcoholic drama, most of which hasn't involved me, thankfully. The worst thing that happened is his son's suicide last June. WH hadn't spoken to his son in almost 2 years despite son's efforts to contact him. Son's blood alcohol was very high.

Niece is now 22. She had a baby three years ago, finally left her abusive, alcoholic BF (baby's father) last year and is doing great on her own. Nephew is 20, back in college this semester, but using drugs and living with his parents who hate me for raising their kids after their parental rights were taken away. They don't allow him to contact me. WH is still with MOW and she may be pregnant, or have had an abortion, and the child may not be his (based on various versions of unreliable small town gossip). WH's mother died of Alzheimer's on Wednesday in a nursing home. I was very close to her and can finally mourn, though she's been slipping away in pieces for years.

I'm still trying to get divorced. It's been very slow going. WH does not seem to be in a hurry to finalize it. WH forced the sale of our house right after his son died so he could buy himself a house. Judge let him choose the realtor and set the price. It sold in a week so I had to move suddenly, plus do all the packing, cleaning, repairing, etc. I'm now living in a travel trailer powered by a generator on 18 acres. I had septic, well, fencing, and pole barn put in and I live here with most of our animals - 4 (out of 7) horses, 4 dogs, and 2 cats.

I dated for a while - a guy I met in Al-Anon who was healing from his own broken heart. It ended recently and, thankfully, fairly painlessly since we weren't in love with each other. He left me with a large, productive vegetable garden. I don't intend to date again until after I'm divorced, and I'm not in any rush to date then. It was healing in some ways - especially after the abuse - but I know I need time alone to finish healing.

It's been an interesting transition... but most days I'm doing great. I'm still going to Al-Anon. My health is good. I'm still breast cancer free. Gosh, even the Cliff Notes version is too long.

How about you?

Holy Heck!!!!!!

I had no idea that everyone was talking about me over here. I had been reading this thread, but hadn't checked it in a few days.

So, if you'll please allow me to "jack" a moment and answer some of these questions, dispel some mistruths, and make a comment or two.




I'm certainly don't profess to be a 12-step expert, but I am pretty well-versed. Began in Alateen at 13, went on to Al-Anon as an adult. I've read the majority of The Big Book, and various other Hazelden gems. I know enough to speak intelligently on the subject, but like I said, I don't claim to be an expert.



Yikes! Hopefully, your younger sister is not so young that you see similar immaturities, but old enough that you consider her to be "young at heart"...going out on a limb here, but I'm gonna cross my fingers and tell you that I'm 35.




BrambleRose, WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU GET THAT IDEA??? I was horrified to read that you felt that way! Please, let me clear that one up!

I thought I had successfully conveyed to you how truly grateful I am! Gosh, I'm grateful simply for the time you've taken to help me, not to mention the honest, yet kind manner in which you do it. It's wonderful to have someone help me to look at this stuff.

It's painful to look at some of this stuff, sure. That isn't your fault! It's hard and painful, but necessary in order for me to learn and grow. I know that.

I am grateful for each and every single word, thought, and truth from you. I truly am. I've been more worried about wearing out my welcome! I know I can be a bit of a pain sometimes. I'm grateful you even have the patience or maybe self-will to put up with me! I really hope I've cleared that up.



I'm really working as hard as I can to do just that, Susan. Doing my best, here.



I wasn't aware you had had a stroke. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing better.



As I mentioned on my other thread, it seems that everyone does not think I am making such progress. It was nice to hear (on the other thread) that a few folks here think I am. I sure am trying, although everyone has a right to their opinion.




With all due respect, (and having already established that everyone has a right to their opinon) that is just plain NOT TRUE! I have no fear of sharing myself intimately. I may have plenty of fears, but that is not one of them. I have laid it all out there, from the very beginning. I have shared intimate things about myself when receiving help from others. I have shared some pretty intimate things about myself when attempting to help others, as well. I have always been an open book with you guys. Hiding things about myself would not help anyone, including myself.




I'm glad it was intended as a love token. I will take it as such and say thank you. But let me make it clear - I have many fears. Intimacy is not one of them. I crave it. I enjoy feeling close to people. I share so much of myself with others to allow them to get close to me. I ask questions of others so that I can understand and get close to them.

As far as pushing people away so they don't get too close, who is it that you believe I have pushed away?

I hope that you aren't referring to yourself. I have told you many times how much I truly like you and how much I have enjoyed our conversations. I've reached out to you many times. I believe it is you who made the decision to refrain from sharing things with me. I have respected that decision, since you requested it of me. You were the first person I really connected with here at MB. I've really missed that, and I believe I've told you as much before.

But, I definitely like you enough to respect what you requested of me. So, I've chosen to gain from what you post to others, instead.

I truly hope I haven't offended you by anything I've said here. I just really do know that what you've said about me here is untrue. I enjoy and crave intimacy, and I'm completely willing to share anything with any of you.

I'm glad so many have found something to learn from the things BrambleRose has been working with me on. I know I have. I, too, am a huge fan.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]Now THAT IS exciting ! Are you saying you have become (or are becoming) the receptive welcoming vessel accepting Patriot's love?

THAT is wonderful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> [/color]


[color:"blue"] Your husband.

In an earlier discussion this month, you said this ... in regards to being a willing vessel, open to accepting your husband's love without question:

"I'm like a sieve ... no matter how many times or ways he says it, it just dosen't seem to reach me. I don't feel it at all."

I am thrilled you no longer have a problem accepting intimacy from your husband !!!!

[/color]

" I'm completely willing to share anything with any of you. "

[color:"blue"] Sharing thoughts and feelings with near-strangers in cyber-land is fairly risk-free. This is not the sort of intimacy I was refering to.

Sharing intimacy with your HUSBAND ... ahhhh ....

If I HAD TO choose between 2 options:

A. Froz and I become dear intimate friends sharing thoughts and feelings openly ... trusting ourselves enough to risk intimacy

B. Froz and her husband become dear intimate friends sharing thoughts and feelings openly ... trusting themselves to risk intimacy

.... you know I would sacrifice A if that sacrifice meant you might bathe in the wonder and beauty of B [/color]

Working on the "dear intimate friends" thing. I have always and still do share all of my thoughts and feelings openly with him. Still not seeing how you arrived at the conclusion that I have a fear of intimacy.

I see that ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Ahhhh .... but do you accept/welcome/embrace that your husband loves you? Do you open yourself up for his love?


Well .... most reasonable human beings who have experienced early-age rejection (at a near cellular level) fear intimacy and have some attachment issues.

Have you read this adoption book?

The Primal Wound

It was recommended by our childrens' adoption-specialist therapist. it was very difficult for me to read ... and I can only imagine how difficult it might be for you to read. have you ever worked with an adoption-issue specialist?

Do you open yourself up for his love?

When you read this sentence ... what happends at a gut level?

Just wondering.

Pep,

I'm flattered that you took the time to do some backtracking to pull up my previous words.

Yes, through discussions with others and some soul-searching, I have recently become aware that just because it FEELS to me like someone doesn't love me, that doesn't necessarily make it true. That was quite a big eye-opener for me.

As a result of that awareness, I am learning how to accept his love the way he chooses to give it.




Just wondering...are you a redhead, too? You sure are fiery sometimes, Ms. Sassy Pants.

Accepting that Patriot loves me is one thing, and although it may be akin to intimacy, it isn't exactly the same thing.

I do share all my thoughts and feelings with him. That allows him to get close to me. Him sharing all his thoughts and feelings with me would go a long way in allowing me to get close to him.

Yes ... I have (had) red hair and freckles .... now I am old and grey ... but not really thanks to the wonderful world of chemistry !

LOL

I've never come across a book regarding adoption issues, actually. I would love to read it. I also didn't know there existed such a thing as an adoption-issue specialist...so the answer is no.

I will order the book online right now. Thank you very much for the recommendation. Working through some of those issues would probably be very helpful, though painful, for me.

[color:"red"]thunderous standing ovation [/color]

AHA! I knew it!!!!!!

[color:"blue"] REALITY CHECK

.... hunny .... your husband is a MAN not a chick ....

It is UNnatural for them guys to "talk about feelings" .... they are hunters/warriors (especially the one YOU married) .... not to be confused with girlfriends ....

MEN are intimate in ways different than you and I are intimate .....

Mr Pep shows me he ADORES ME when he washes my car !!!! I am NOT KIDDING !!!! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />