I've almost worked up enough nerve to bring my WH's A to light. A few questions...I think I know some answers but need them beat into my head by everyone here...
--How specific should I get when exposing to her H
--I'm really hurt by the way WH rewrites our history. It's reassuring to know this is a normal part of the fog. If we do ever reconcile, do WS's re-remember the good times we had? If we end up getting divorced, will he always hold on to that rewritten history? I guess I shouldn't care in that case, but I feel like it's one of those 'if a tree falls in the woods and only one spouse hears it, did it really happen..." things. Not sure if that made sense.

Thanks, everybody.

Trixie,

I am very sorry you have to be here. I know how you are feeling right now. You will get some great advice here form alot of wonderful people. I myself am not wise enough to give you any right now. I am still battleing my own WH and his OW.

but I do EXPOSURE is the most important thing you cando right now. I personally did all of mine with phone calls. But I guess y ou have ot do what makes it easier for you.

Good luck and wait for the experts to post .... Orchid , ARK, Beleiver just to name a few...... you will be in great hands...

You could tell them about the affair without giving your sources, just as you outlined. You might want to say how long it has been going on and just very general information. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and would appreciate their support.

Best to do this all in one day so you can deal with the fallout of ONE SHOCK, instead of several. Doing it at once also ensures the maximum impact and minimizes the risk of the infidels forewarning people and spinning the story.
If you feel nervous about calling, you could either send an email or, even better, write out some talking points and rehearse your lines so you won't feel so nervous. Practice what you need to say so you don't fumble around.

Most WS do lie about their spouses and rewrite their history. Don't pay it any mind, there is nothing you can do about it. Nor will OW care about the truth; remember, this is a woman who is doing it with a married man and also lives a life of deceit. The only reason you should contact her is if you think she believes your H is single and would dump him if she knew otherwise.

The best move you can do to save your marriage is to expose the affair. For some reason, many people here have a hard time doing that. But it is absolutely vital.

My WH's OW's husband was fighting in Iraq when the affair happened. When he got back 6 months later, my WH told me that OW had confessed. But her husband looked happy whenever I saw him drive by. So I screwed on my courage and walked down to their house. OW answered the door, and I asked to speak to her husband. He came to the door and I asked if he had a minute. He came outside, and I let him know what had been going on.

He was told that his wife and my WH were "just friends". After I showed him the hotel bills, he knew I was telling the truth. We have kept talking over the last couple of years, and fill each other in on the details. He has been a big support.

Don't even bother wasting your time or energy contacting the OW. That would be a huge mistake. She is your enemy, and cares nothing about you. She won't believe anything you say.

hi trixie, I just wanted to lend you my support. I don't think I did it right and now I'm reaping the harvest of my fear and insecurity.

Just remember you are NOT the one who did it, why do you have to keep the secret? Its not your shame, its his shame. Your shame will only come when you put up with it. Don't let that happen. believe me it sucks, its hard to be credible and strong when you put up with it.

Thanks so much, everybody.

Trixie...its because its hard to look at the one you love and think they have the power to do that to you. Its denial--a self protection mechanism.

They did that to you, but so did the one you love, that you are one flesh with. Thats hard to get a grip on.

Trixie, the SIL should be close to the TOP on your list of exposure. By all means CALL HER. It sounds like she would have enormous influence on him and you need her support. There are no "sides," there is only the truth.