Keith,
I'll be blunt. In my D papers, my exH has joint custody, and we co-parent, etc. That is all on paper, because what happened in actually living was different than the way it was written down in court documents. In reality, the kids lived with me and I took care of their day-to-day needs, and their dad sort of visited with them. However, short of murder or rape, no court is going to take away parental rights or tell one parent how to live. Shoot, even criminals have parental rights!! So don't waste your time thinking of going to court to "force" her to be a better mom--it's a waste of your energy and time.
In REAL LIFE, my divorce papers say that my kids "home base" with me, each visit their dad one day per week (Wed. for DD, and Sat. for DS), and they can go to their dad's any time that he arranges it with them and notifies me. We only lived 3 miles apart on the same street, so worst case scenario, the kids could have WALKED there--but usually they got a ride, rode a bike, or rode the bus. In REAL LIFE, my exH wanted to have his sexual freedom and fool around, so in REAL LIFE he didn't call the kids and ask them over, he didn't wake them up in the morning, fix their lunches, get them off to school, pick them up, make their dinners, or spend the nights with them. In REAL LIFE, when he had some "left over" time, he'd go to a movie with them or go out to McDonalds.
What I did, at the time was to tell my exH, "Ex, you are welcome to have the kids any time you want them--just let me know and I'll even bring them over! That way you can have your life and not worry about your schedule, and I will be the flexible one." At first, he was all huffy about "Well Wednesdays are MY day" and I said, "That's cool. All I'm saying is that I'll keep on carrying on with the day-to-day schedule of taking care of the kids until you call. If Tuesday works better for you this week, I'll do Tuesday. I'll try to work around your schedule and you can then set things up as you like."
Now, I know your exW is not nearly as sane as my exH. Haha! :P But I spoke to my ex respectfully, tried to make it seem like he had the freedom to do as he pleased, and in the end the kids basically lived with me and had that basic foundation of security that they needed. Yep, they did go spend time with their dad, but they always knew they had a bed and food in case their dad just wasn't there. Does that make sense?? My kids were 15yo and 12yo when our D was final--so sort of similar to your kids...
I doubt if there's much you can do "legally" and you can't really make your exW be a better mom! But you CAN be the foundation of "homebase" that your kids need. Maybe reach an agreement with your exW that anytime it's her night and the kids need dinner, that you'll cook for 'em and spend the night with them until she comes to pick them up to put them to bed at her house. I mean, really, that's all she's doing; they are living with you and sleeping at her house one night.
And BTW, don't start the "...that's not fair, why should I pay her CS, she should have to lose CS or be a better parent..." thingy either! These are your CHILDREN, Keith. Just be their father and be a rock for them, even if she's nuts. They WILL know which parent is caring for them.
FNCJ
