Hi Mate

I am stinging for you and froz lately - I've never seen two people who love each other beat each other up so much without intending to than you two.

I've been sitting on a comment for a while, but I didn't post in case it seemed patronising, but I think its worth a gamble to post now.

When I set about changing myself to meet Squid's ENs and change some Anti-Squid annoying habits many of my old behaviours were so entrenched and instinctive they were as much a part of me as breathing.

Just THINKING about adopting these behaviour modifications just didn't work for me. I am a mathematician, not a counsellor, and British to boot, so a bad bet for sustainably changing ingrained emotional behaviours in a non clumsy and predictable way.

I failed miserably at the start, and made myself angry in retrospect at every lazy slip into old behaviours.

I wasn;t EVIL, just not equipped to consistently make the change. I knew that I had to 'fake it till I make it' but I wasn't even faking it consistently.

Of course my shortcomings in change did not provoke Squids ire as she was in the throes of her affair at the time, but I knew I needed to get my act straight.

So...I treated it just like a work project 'cos thats all I had.

Wrote down all my objectives for change. Added prerequisites, did a SWOT analaysis on various situations and once I came up with a plan to change - get this - I carried a cheat sheet with me always.

It worked WONDERFULLY for me.

When I DID slip up I would write a reminder code on the back of my hand so I'd catch myself before tripping up again.

This technique helped me 'fake it till I make it'. And many of those intended behaviours are now instinctive.

I suspect you may be a scientist like me Patriot, and feel clumsy in these emotional/relationship analysis situations. If so I wholeheartedly recommend this appraoch of making change into a project , using all the tricks you have learned at work.

For example - when Squid became a vicious , spitting thing in early withdrawal lovebusters would well up in my throat to reply to some foul action or other from her.

I wrote " Will what you want to say save your marriage?"
On the back of my left hand in TINY letters.

It REALLY worked.

I aso once wrote "POJA this next plan with Squid however small".

Maybe you could do the same for the behaviours you need to adopt in order to make Froz feel safe ?

Sorry if this is inappropiate.

All blessings

Maybe you were supposed to send that to me.

I am not doing well.

Sorry, Pat - kinda took over here.

far

FAR, if it works for you, wonderful !

Though as I have said before, I think you already blame yourself far too much for your WWs choices.

I know. Keep telling me.

Sorry, Pat - moving over....

far

^bump^

I see this bob. Thank you. As I am heavily burdened with gov't paperwork today, given the impending end of FY 05, I don't have time to reply right now.

I will. Thank you.

thank you for caring about us



You have stated before that you don't normally post to WSs. I never understood that. Maybe you have changed and I just didn't catch it.(you did, in fact, post to me.... so I guess that shoots that out of the water). I guess my point is regardless of BS or WS status, we can all have something important to say.


I like this idea because it takes problem solving skills a person already possesses and puts them to work FOR that person. And I am a big fan of 'help' maintaining a behavioral change. Your cheatsheet seems to be an idea along those lines.



wow... I might have crap written all over me if I used my body as a notepad for reminders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



The greatest piece of info I got from this was the " Will what you want to say save your marriage?" line. What a great reminder. And it seems so no non-sense. Quantifies things right on the spto, if you apply it well, I suspect.

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I don't think this is inappropriate. Thank you for sharing your methods for maintaining and making change in your life to help you. It is insightful and I appreciate it. Making froz feel safe and protected are very important to me. I want her to feel that I love her.

I am working on these things. Thank you for taking the time to post to me.

you have stated before that you don't normally post to WSs.

Pat some of my best friends on these boards are FWS! I rarely post to WS because active WS trigge rme into replies I regret. Best I leave that to more empathic folks like you to help.

I post to FWS within the bounds of where I may be helpful. Again I can't empathise with how it feels to be a FWS so best I stop flapping my gums at that point <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope it was some use to you Pat.