My husband and I have been married for 10 years this month. HS sweethearts we were. We had a tuff marriage at first. You know young and jealous but we always loved one another. After the birth of our second child (he is 4 now) I decided to stay at home with the kids. That was working well until I decided to go back to work because I was tired of the same old routine. At this job there was a guy who always would tell me houw beautiful I was and how lucky my husband was and it made me feel good. To make you understand, my husband has never been the affocationate type. He never liked to kiss (not even during sex). He did not like to cuddle or hold hands or any of the things that makes a women feel wanted and loved. I made the biggest mistake of my life and slept with the man from work. I felt horrible afterwards and within 4 months my husband found out through a co-worker of mine. He did not call me any names, he was not mean to me in the least. He never even raised his voice but he was devestated. You know this was the first time in years he wanted to be close to me though. He would sleep next to me and lay with me on the couch and kiss me. He would tell me how much he loved me. This lasted about a month and than things went back to normal.
Well last week I started getting these feelings that something was not right. I would wake up late at night and he would be on the computer. He had signed up for Yahoo messenger and I don't know how long he had it. I started checking the computer for anything. He had 2 yahoo Id's and I realized that one of them had been updated on the day he gave me his screen names. Like he had changed the info in the bio or something. I started quesitoning him and he got mad at me and said I had no right after what I had done to him. (I forgot to mention that I quit my job the day my husband found out about me and I never went back.)
Well he went away on work and I stared more in dept checkin g of the computer. I found a secret email address and figured out how to change the password and I was in. 3 months of emails between him and another woman at work. They talked about how much they missed each other and he called her princess, darling, my love and all sorts of things. He would tell he all about his days and how he could not wait to hold her again, so on and so on. It made me sick to my stomach. I had this knot that would not go away. I called him and asked for her phone number and he gave it to me. I was very nice but asked her questions. She says they never slept together and only saw each other out side of work 3 times. To picture my husband kissing and fondling another woman brings out a rage inside me. I also found 3 other email address that my husband chalks up to being just friends with these women who don't live around here. You see, I know what I did was wrong but I never cared about this other man. My husband said more loving things to her than he does to me. Yet he says he never cared for her at all and does not miss her. He just wanted to have sex with her and it had nothing to do with me. He says I am the perfect wife and no one holds a candle to me. He says he wants to spend the next 50 years with me. He says he is sorry he did it but not sorry I found out. I cannot for the life of me figure out if he was trying in his own way to get me back or if he really acted on impulse and wanted to know what it was like to be with another woman after 10 years of marriage.
I cannot eat. It has been a week and I eat very little because it makes me sick. I am nervous all the time. I get on the computer and look for things when he is not home even though he has offered to answer any of my questions. I don't feel satisfied. When I asked about the other girls emails he just says I got them from a friend and they don't even live in state. So what? I am driving myself crazy and I don't know how to make it stop. I love my husband and he is a wonderful father but how do we ever trust one another again? He says if you don't bring up what I did I won't bring up what you did. He also went in and deleted all the other email accounts and messenger accounts. The other thing that bothers me is that he has internet access with email at work and voice mail and when I asked for those passwords he got mad and said that was a part of his life he was not willing to share with me. He said it was a matter of principal. In my opinion a marriage on the rocks should be sharing everything to get things worked out. Than he said I will give you the password but just know I will have one foot out the door if you ask me to do that.
I am so hurt and sick how do I handle this?
I guess what comes around goes around right?

Hello,

I assume all of this happened after he found out you slept and had sex with another man. My guess is that he is so devastated and his self-esteem so destroyed that he reached out to prove that he was still desirable. What he has done is clearly wrong but until you have a spouse sleep with another person I doubt that you will truly understand the depth of the pain and devastation that he has gone through.

It is devastating for both the husband and the wife as you are finding out the hard way. My wife and I are going through a divorce. It all began with infidelity when we were engaged. She wanted to have one last fling before our nuptuals...I found out after the fling. I was hurt that she felt she was being "tied down". She apologized...but I didn't forgive her at first and found a girlfriend shortly after our marriage began. Being young and ignorant...she eventually found out about it. We continued the cycle for about 6 years. Almost divorcing in 2002. We reconciled in 2003 and just last week separated for good. I had committed fully to our relationship and she had not...she could not forgive me and I had forgiven her...she told me point blank...I can't forgive you...it all has hurt so much. I understand...there is only so much hurt that a person can take before it is too much. I wish we would have read Harley's books prior to her last affair. I love her and miss her dearly.

If you can forgive him and he can forgive you...you will need to work on two crucial elements that seem to be gone from my interpretation of your story...trust and communication. Rebuilding the trust requires you to believe that he will not continue his internet escapades. You will need to fill out the Emotional Needs questionaires for each other so to help prevent the desire to stray from each other. I'm sure he loves you...most of us men do not stay with people just for convenience...society has made it okay to break up families for personal interests. (I don't think it is right...but society has endorsed it).

Good Luck,
Mike

Thank you for the replies. It helps to know others have been where I have. Even though my husband and the other woman both claim there was no sex that is what my husband wanted. He point blank told me it was all about sex. They did mess around I guess and she was not comfortable so it never went any further. If you ask me, he had the mind to do exactly as I did except according to all the emails there were feelings involved. He would get jealous over her with other guys and tell her how much he missed her all the time. Now from a mans point of view, do men just say those things to get what they want? For 3 months? He swears he never cared about her at all he was just saying what she wanted to hear so maybe she would give in and he could have sex with her.

Hello,

My first suggestion is for you to re-post your story on the general discussion II board as it has much greater activity and you will find Dorry. Dorry has also seen infidelity from both sides of the fence, as well.

Despite his statements, I'd presume he is not yet out of his affair. The "just sex" line when you know otherwise, the "let's not mention it" line, the "foot out the door" line are merely designed to throw you off track and keep you from snooping. He has merely taken his on-going affair underground (i.e.- to the office). Without proof he will deny, deny, deny.

Unless you break up the affair your marriage can not even begin to recover. Burying the issue is not a path to reconciliation. MB Principles are (get or read the book "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" at borders). Sure he too may have started with a need to get even, a need to sow some oats, but it's a splippery slope to him actually having feelings for these/this woman. Despite his justifications, he's just as married as you were and hence just as wrong. You may get what they call here 2 x 4's because you opened this can of worms and got what you deserved. Ignore them and try to take in the positive posts to guide you on this journey. We all make mistakes, some larger than others. Right now you may be the only one that fully cares about saving this marriage so you will need to be strong.

So read up here on what it takes to bust up this affair. You may need to expose your husband which necessarily means he will probably fully expose you. He will be counting on your fear of this. Accept responsibility for it and without defense calmly reply that you are still married and fully engaged in making this marriage work but can only do so once husband has ended his affair.

Good luck. I don't envy your situation, but it is common. You guys are still very young and this site can really teach you how to properly become and behave like the husband and wife you always hoped you'd be. Most affairs do not destoy marriages. Have hope.

HH,

Was it "just sex" between you and your Om for 4 months? I doubt it. It was as you said because he was filling a need and you went for it. What I find remarkable is that you don't seem to have any insight into this although you did the same to him INCLUDING sex with OM for 4 months. You just did not use a computer.

I would also guess that you have not quite figured out that your H was in the same pain you are in now.

May I make a few recommendations. Please get Harley's two books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs and read them. I think you need to really think about your actions, decisions, and motivations a bit more deeply before you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out your H's.

Please read the articles on this site as well. I beleive you will begin to see where your efforts need to be placed. I would strongly recommend you read about plan A.

This can all work out, but it will require that you change your perspective abit. I am sure you said loving things to your OM, why does that not compute with what you? Did what you said to OM, what you did with OM, preclude you from coming back to the marriage? You where willing to accept your H's efforts but you are not willing to accept his?

See the problems here? Get a better understanding of YOUR motivations and behavior and I think you will be able to address your H's motivations and behavior in a more productive way.

Hope something I said helps.

God Bless,

JL

I think some of you must have misunderstood what happened with myself and the OM. It only happened once and I did not say loving things to him. It was just that my husband did not find out until 4 months after it happened. My husband seems to be a lot more emotionally attached than I was. Not to mention he went back to work Monday just to run into her in the hall or elsewhere. I will never see the OM again.

HH,

Yes, I am a bit confused, but "once" is more than he has. However, the issue is not how often, it is that you felt a strong emotional attachment to this OM or you would not have had the affair and apparently sex was not what you were looking for.

The details are not as important as you starting to see things in a different perspective. You did what you did for a reason or reasons what were they? You need to truely understand yourself before embarking on this with your H. You hurt him deeply, as he has hurt you, and yet you did not learn from what you did. I find that strange.

Please stop, back up and address your behavior, not to assign blame, guilt or anything like that but to gain understanding of yourself and then possibly your H.

God Bless,

JL