I thought I had hit rock bottom and was finding strength to stand up again. But I just can’t take the pain I feel right now. I wish each breath to be my last. God said he wouldn’t hand me anything I couldn’t handle. But he has. I can’t handle this agony of betrayal and rejection. I’m so alone in this foreign country where the culture is unsympathetic to my wish for non existence. Someone please help me!!!!

I just don’t want to breathe anymore. I just want to sleep now and make everything stop. I want to claw away at my flesh until there is no life left. Oh God, why have I been forsaken! No one can be so alone and hurt so much.

How could she have been lying for so long and been in love with him all this time? Oh I envy you who at least have a fence sitter to work with. I can’t believe they are calling eachother husband and wife. I prayed for her all my life and really thought God had delivered the one thing I always wanted…just to be loved. How can I ever discern God’s voice from stupid lying voices in my head. I Thanked Him every day for his gift. But all the while I was just thanking thin air. The last year has been a complete lie. My faith is so week now. Why kick me while I’m down when you could just put me out of my misery. Oh I really want to die. I have never actually felt this way before. But I do. I just want to die! How could I have come to this? Why couldn’t I have at least had a child befor all this? Just one reason to be strong. Please let me just go to sleep now and never wake up. Oh God please just let me go…

My haand feel so mumb. I have pins and needles. I never felt this way. i can't breath. I want to throw up. So alone.

pleae someone help me. im so dizzy. i need to let go. i need to fall. i just cant dot it. heeeeelp meeee

((((((sadmike))))))

i think you really need to consider making an apointment at the doctors and considering some anti depressents. you sound like you are in a downward spiral.

you have got to remember that you cant control her and her apparent rejection of you has so much less to do with you and much more to do with her. Her demons, her self esteem, her issues. She sounds incredibly self destructive to me. you may have only been a means for her to prove to herself how worthless and undeserving she was.

you are greiving for your marriage. you had a vision of what it was and what it was supposed to be. What you are feeling now is the death of that dream. It can be soooooooo hard to let that go, but with enough time and enough support, you will get there and then one day, when you least expect it, you will meet the true love of your life.

You will make through.

love

Carolyn

(((((sadmike))))))

I agree. You probably need to contact your physician. Your pain is great and it seems all consuming. I'm no expert, but have felt that pain. Please know you are not alone. Keep breathing and deeply.

My thoughts will be with you today.

((((((SadMike))))))

I know its hard to just get up and move on but you need to do this for yourself. Dont give up. Make an appt with your doctor right away. You have help here at MB. Dont loose hope.


* Everything becomes a little clearer.I realize what life is all about. It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough and giving more when you feel like giving up.*

mike you are having a panic attack. you are not alone. i am here for you. we all are. you can get through this.

take deep breaths and try and focus your mind on something calming. Fix your eyes on an object in your house, a picture, a dripping tap, anything and fix on it. stare at it. study it. let it push all other thoughts from your mind until there is nothing in there but the object you are studying. keep breathing. Deep regular breaths.

you can do this.

I'm trying so hard. I'm in Korea and it's not esasy to get meds. I'm all alone. I don't think I can believe in God anymore. I just don't feel anything from him. I didn't do anything wrong! We were married in the Philippines. Divorce is ilegal. She's happy to just be with him I will have to return to Canada married to someone I love so much but wanyts' someone else. How can I find love again when I will still be married?

doesnt matter where you are married, you apply for divorce in the country that you live in at the time of filing.

My h and i were married in australia, where we are from. we now live in the UK. If we decide to split, we will file for divorce in the UK and our divorce will be governed by the laws of the UK.

is there a hospital or english speaking practice you can go to? i bet if you contact the canadian embassy and ask for a referral to a english speaking doctor, they could help you out.

(((((hugs)))))

Carolyn

You don't understand. She will not come back to Canada with me. You can't get a divorce without your spouse. I will have to wait 7 years for this.

I will return to Philippines in 10 days. The only thing that keeps me alive right now is the intent to kill this fckr! Then let her feel the pain of loss. I’ll cut him wide open. I don’t care if they gun me down as I do it. If there is no God then I don’t care about death.

Oh I can’t believe I was a missionary and now I crave to be a murderer. I crave to kill him slow and let him beg for mercy. I am seething for his blood to spill. He took away all that I breathe for and now I will take away his breath as well.

mike, i am sorry. i didnt realise about the time limit thing. perhaps there is a way around it but that is a dicussion for another time.

Anger is a perfectly natural emotion to be feelign at this time. You need to get it out but trying to kill him is not the way to do it. Do you really think she will care if you slice up her new lover. Do you really think that someone as manipulative and cold as her would care, or do you think she would just move on to her next mark.


I know it is all very frsh and raw for you. This has blindsided you. you thought you were happy and then KAPOW! the ****** hits the fan. You have to start readjusting your vison of who she is. She is not some poor downtrodden waif needing to be rescued. She is a lying, manipulative adulteress who has taken ruthless advantage of you and your kind and giving nature.

The OM did not make her do it. Her prediciment is entirely of her own making. If she wanst with this new fellow then it would have been someone else. he is unimportant in the scheme of things. i am not defending him. dont get me wrong. he is the scum of the earth and i hope one day someone steps on him like the cockroach he is, but he did not steal her away from you. She left and just happened to attach herself to this person. He could have been anyone.


hugs

Carolyn

Sadmike,

We have all felt that desire for revenge. Revenge will not save your marriage. Your life will be ruined. You need to concentrate your energy on you right now. You need to make it through today. And then tomorrow. You can do it.

Hi mike,

Listen to me,you WILL get through this OK? I know how hard that seems right now.It's a matter of just getting through minute by minute,hour by hour in the first stages of this.We have all been there.You sound like you are having an anxiety attack( numbness,"pins and needles",etc) and you need to try and calm down.Many of us have revenge thoughts.It's NORMAL BUT YOU CANNOT ACT UPON THEM.Pure rage is an unfortunate feeling but you WILL come to see that no matter how this all ends up,you with your WW or not,YOU are worthy and NO ONE has the right to make you feel this way.You will come to see this,in time.You can rise above the abhorrent behavior of these two people and live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling.I am living proof.I had thought of suicide/not living too,in the first week or so.It's SO painful.I can understand.

But do know that even your WW will not have that power over you anymore once you are doing better.You have to know how much God loves you and wouldn't give you more than you could handle.I was thinking the same things,that I couldn't possibly hurt any more than I was back in October 2003.

Today,I am feeling so great,free,solid in my life and more sure than anything that not being with my cheating soon to be EX is the right thing.YOU CAN GET THERE.It's getting through the now so you can get to the later that counts.Let us help you ok?

Can you get into any counseling? Speak to some professional for help where you are?

O

Thank you all so much for being there for me during my first ever panic attack. I’m a psych major and should know better. I guess I never realized just how physically real they are. I really thought I was on the verge of death and actually wanted it. But could not get close enough.

I’m calming down now thanks to your support. I don’t know what I’d do without you who cared enough to reach out to me – a perfect stranger. It’s already been a month since D-day and I thought I was recovering. But my recovery always seems dependant on the hope I can win her back. Then I start to realize my chances are so slim and I even scold myself for still wanting her. Why would I want a person like that? But the truth is I still do. I still want to go to Phils and try plan A but I have a feeling I’ll end up giving up quickly and returning home alone.

The last five years spent in Asia was for the express purpose of sponsoring her to come to Canada. Five years of my life and the outdated skills I will return home with. Why did she let me go through all the paperwork and cost of getting her accepted as a Canadian resident just to let me down 6 weeks before our big day? Everyone in Canada is expecting me to come home with the wife they all fell in love with.

No one will believe this sweet beautiful angel was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. And then I have to wait 7 years before I can be legally divorced without her being there. She really ruined me. She really was sweet and innocent when I met her. She was wonderfully modest and gentle back before she was exposed to a more developed country. As soon as she gained confidence and realized her beauty, she turned into an attention seeking self misrepresenter. I wish I didn’t still long for this evil demon of a woman. I’m such an idiot. I wish she could be the same girl she was when I married her. How can a person change so drastically? Oh well…

Thank you so much for your loving support. I can’t express how much I needed you. You really saved my life this rainy night in Korea.

(((((Mike))))))

What you are going through is not easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to endure too!

There is light...hang in there!!!

and...you are never alone!

Hi Mike,

DON'T give up on God. I believe what happened to you (all of us here) broke God's heart too. That was hard for me to understand how He could allow my world to end and did He even care. I'll pray he'll carry you through this. I saw this happen to another young wonderful guy and he considered all of the things you are. But, now he is married to the most wonderful girl on this planet and if he had ended it or gotten even he would never have met his now wife. This IS a terrible pain, but you don't know what's around the corner. And don't let this women or om put you in prison, your child will need you to be the sane one. That guy I speak of is my son and that pain is gone and he's the happiest guy I know. PLEASE don't let the panic attacts win. God says he'll never leave you or forsake you and someday when you look back you'll see that He is carrying you even now. This is a horrible time so don't just go through it GROW through it and walk strong,find yourself a place of your own in a corner of wherever you are and take time to read and heal, cry, rage, whatever but don't give in to this jumble of feeling. You're in my prayers and never alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi again Mike,

I reread your post and I misunderstood about a child. Sorry but all the same that would be a great goal someday so don't feel like you'll stay in this place forever. Once again I'm sorry I wasn't more careful in my reading. The panic attacts are the worst. I still get them, but not as much or as intense.

Thanks for the kind words, but I’m really not sure I believe in god anymore. Just months ago I would lay next to her while she slept and silently whisper a prayer of thanks for the gift bestowed upon me. I was convinced I heard god’s gentle voice confirm that, of all the unanswered prayers in my life, this one was real and made it all worth it.

But obviously the voice was just my own imagination. While I smelt her sweet hair and pressed her back into my chest, she was dreaming of another. While “god” was assuring me that we would grow old together, she was planning her escape.

What trust can I have in a so called god if I can’t even discern his voice from mine – or the devil’s? Through all of this, I have felt not an ounce of comfort from above. I have not felt any presence of the holy spirit or of any mercy or grace – just loneliness and solitary anguish.

I have given up on praying for my wife to come to her senses. Praying doesn’t seem change how things will turn out anyway. If there is a god, he let me walk into this knowing exactly what was going to happen. This makes way more sense in a world where there is no god. I don’t deserve any of this and yet my suffering is immeasurable. She has lied and cheated and continues to do so without conscience and she is happy. The OM, who originally broke up with her when he found out she was still in fact married to me, has returned to her. I actually believed he was a good man who was simply a victim of her lies. But I found out they are so in love now that they call each other husband and wife. He is happy to be with another man’s wife. These two go to church and wish each other God’s blessings.

I have emailed her a few times over the past six weeks since I have seen her and she has not responded to any…just shut me out completely. She knows I’m scheduled to return to the Philippines in just over a week to visit her family. I wonder how she will treat me. Her visa to come back to Canada with me will expire four months after that. I guess that’s my plan A deadline. No plan B for me. In a way I guess I did plan B first to no avail.

I remember feeling the pain of watching my best friend dying before my eyes. How I kissed his forehead and promised I would be back to the hospital the next day to be with him. I remember showing up the next day only to find out he was gone. How I went back to the places we used to go and cried for his short life of 29 years. Sometimes I still talk to him and tell him we are still friends…until we meet again. But the pain I feel over the betrayal and loss of my wife is far more intense. And I can’t ever talk to her and tell her we are still of one flesh. It would have been easier if the faithful woman I married had simply died. At least I would have had the comfort of having been loved until death.

If she doesn’t come back to me (which seems almost certain now), then I will return to Canada still legally married without any chance of even a dreaded divorce for seven years when I can have her declared dead. What woman would want to enter a relationship with me while this baggage continues to plague me? I will be 43 by the time I can start again.

Yup, thanks “god”.

No panic right now. No tears or crying yet today (it’s still early here in Korea). But I have absolutely no will to live either. I am uncomfortably numb. I don’t even look if there is traffic before crossing the streets so chaotic here in this godforsaken part of the world. I don’t care. Maybe “god’s” one piece of mercy will be to have me struck down dead. But he is much too cruel for that. I’m sure he’d much rather I just end up crippled for life. Than at least my body would match my soul.

Feeling sorry for myself? Yup. Right now that’s all I want to do.

You know it’s kind of strange; God and my WW are similarly out of reach to me right now. I am angry and feel betrayed by both of them. I trust neither of them, and wonder if either of them has ever really communicated to me about anything. But at the same time I long for both of them. I want to believe in them again, and I wish I could feel their love. Truth be told, I haven’t given up on fighting for them both to return to my life as well. But unfortunately neither of them will talk to me and so my faith in both of them is at an all time low.

I remember when the three of us lived so happily intertwined. I’m still trying to figure out who left first.

Maybe you are asking God for the wrong thing. God's will be done, is one of the best prayers ever. On a very bad day about 7 months ago, I released my marriage to God. I asked God to do what God wanted with my marriage but to give me the strength to deal with it. To my everlasting surprise, I was filled with warmth and God's love. It was the strength I needed to deal with it.

As they say, the Lord works in strange ways. It gets better, believe me. Go through all the stages. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.