mike

I dont think you will have to wait 7 years to divorce, Canada allows divorce where ....

(b) the spouse against whom the divorce proceeding is brought has, since celebration of the marriage,

(i) committed adultery,

really that simple.

Alternatively you wait until 12 months are up since she left and apply in Canada for Dv.

If this is what you need to do then a lawyer can advise you on the service of papers issues to your WW...maybe the court will simply accept that service may be impossible. Its within the Courts powers to make that decision. Anyway a lawyer can help you there.

Mike, I know this sounds very harsh but have you considered that you were being used to get access to Canada ??? I'm very sorry to say it appears so from your posts.
Its hard to accept someone could hurt another so callously in this way.
You may wish to also advice Canadian Immigration as well if you feel this was the case.
The whole thing sucks big time.

Just make sure you start looking after yourself mate ok?

Mike, I'm also in Asia in Hong Kong. I'm so sorry for your despair. I don't have the time to read back over the thread at the moment but I guess you married your wife in the Philippines and you're saying D is illegal there. What about an annulment? Is that something you could look into? TT

Aussie,

I don’t think I was used to come to Canada because she doesn’t want to return with me. She doesn’t want to come to Canada. If she really wanted to do that, she would just come and then seek a divorce shortly afterward. In a strange way, this is what is so insulting: I’m not even worth using to come to Canada.

I’m very sure she loved me and married me for the right reasons. Our first year was awesome. It was about 6 months after arriving in Korea that everything went to crap.

In the beginning she was very different than she is now. She held very strongly to conservative Christian views. Once she got exposed to money and goods, everything changed. People started complimenting her on her beauty (when before she was insecure about her looks). Then she started dressing far more provocatively. She enjoyed the attention she received from every guy who passed her.

When we were in the Philippines, she begged me not to go for a beer with my friends because she was afraid I would become a drinker. She hated alcohol and hated nightclubs where “those kinds of girls” hang out. But once in Korea, she started going to bars while telling me she was at a friend’s house. She loved to strut around and be noticed by all the guys. And she started drinking as well.

Maybe she just realized she’s out of my league and wants a younger more handsome guy – because she can easily get one.

She actually regressed significantly in maturity since I met her. She has changed radically.

My aunt was abandoned by her husband who committed adultery prior to that. She had to wait seven years before the courts finally allow divorce.

TT, I already looked into annulment and there are very specific criteria that must be met. We don’t come close to meeting them. In some ways I want her to live the rest of her life in the Philippines stuck in marriage with me. Stuck with my last name. At least my helll will end in 7 years. Hers will follow her to the grave…Btch!

Grapegirl:

Make no mistake. I have gone past asking God to restore my marriage. I, upon previous advice, already surrendered my marriage and future to God. All I asked for was a respite from the pain. Just an inkling of a feeling that He is with me. I have read so many accounts of people who felt God’s presence help them get through this. But He is definitely absent in my dire need. I couple of days ago I was on my knees clutching my tearstained face. I reached my arms up to the heavens begging just to feel something from him.

The very next day $1000 was stolen out of my apartment by my suspected landlord. In Korea they don’t worry too much about crime committed against foreigners so the police went through a few motions of checking things out but refused to question the suspect because he is older and “should not have to be embarrassed.”

It was like one last kick in the nuts while I was already down and incapacitated.

I’m sorry to sound like I’m just blasting back at all you good people who are reaching out to me. I truly thank you and love you for your attempts to do or say something for me. I guess I’m just so incredibly hopeless right now I just can’t get past my bitter reality.

I love her so much still and she doesn’t deserve it. I would still forgive her if she were to repent. I would still take her back and even help her through the loss of the OM if she would give me the chance. But I highly doubt I will ever get these opportunities. I can’t believe I’m going to return to the Philippines in just a week. I really should just go home to Canada and move on. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. I have lost my self respect.

mike

if thats the case she may sign any form you give her willingly ..... ask the Canadian Consul General in Korea about it... you may be able to get yourself free without too much trouble.

Ok understand about you Aunt but remember the Dv laws in Canada & most other C'wth countries were updated only a few years ago..its no where near as difficult apparently, or sadly ... depends on your point of view. her case may have been more in relation to not knowing his whereabouts.

Do a bit of digging & find out what you need to do. At least then you know where you stand.

As for what others expect to see, thats HER problem & choice not yours. TEll all who ask the TRUTH .... she chose to commit adultery and leave you to play in the bars of Korea.
Don't protect her from her choices.

As hard as this is mike it may be better to find out now rather than a few years down the track. What about Korean laws on this??? Can local officials help out? May be a fast track available.

Just keep yourself ok and concentrate on gettng yourself 100%.

Cheers

I have dealt with the battle of feeling like not only had my spouse but my God abandoned me. I gave God the "finger"....told him to go F himself...told him he owed me an apology for his cruelty. I dared him to destroy me. I begged him to destroy me. I prayed that I could replace those who lost their lives to illness and accidents. I have wanted to "not exist". To dissolve into the universe....floating energy particles....at peace. Just give me some peace...

Losing my spouse to an OW has been the worse grief I have ever experienced, bar none. He, too, claimed to love me deeply. Said I met his desires and needs so well. During our last year of marriage I thought I was losing him to a "spiritual crisis". That's what he told me was happening for him. I actually was losing him to a 21 year old OW. He was 47. The OW was 7 months pregnant with his child when I found out about the affair. The OC was born with Down Syndrome.

My ex and I had talked about reconciliation. I was willing to consider accepting an OC into my life. When the OC was born with Down...my heart broke again. But I was determined that the OC would experience nothing but love in my contacts with him...or I would have no contact. He was truly all innocence in the whole mess.

The first time he came to "visit" me, I asked to give him his bottle. When I held him in my arms and fed him, my heart became full of love. This was "God" to me. That I could truly love and care about a child who was born under such circumstances...a special needs child..the child of the OW and my WS.

I still don't know who "God" is...or if s/he is...or if I want a relationship with this "God", but I do know that "Love" came to me when I thought it would be impossible. And yes..perhaps this is "God".

It's apparent that you love your wife so deeply. No wonder your grief is so deep. We who live with such love and passion are often "gifted" with its dark side. I remember being so frustrated that I couldn't find enough words or the right words to express the depth of my feelings over the loss of my WS. Finally these "words" came to me:


I have no words...
To heal my pain.


They've all been scribed before.


Even this...
You take from me.


sadmike,
I would lend support to others who suggest trying an anti-depressant med. When our systems are stressed so badly, our brain chemistry shifts. You need some kind of foundation to work from...to manage your grief. Do you have a doctor from your home country that you have worked with in the past? Would s/he be willing to help you in this situation....over the phone...or internet?

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Please know...You are not alone.

Wow Heartmending.

I thought I’d make it through this thread without crying but yours just overwhelmed me. I don’t know what to say. One of the things I want most in life is a child. Possibly the greatest regret is that ww and I didn’t have one. And possibly one of the hardest pills to swallow is the thought that she will have one with OM. I really feel you have empathized with me accurately. You felt my pain and for some reason that’s comforting. Thank you so much. I wish my wife had your capacity to love. You are a wonderful person.

Aussie, I appreciate your advice and will consider it in due time. But right now the idea of divorce is just too final. I know I’m probably just prolonging the inevitable, but the D word makes me seriously ill. When my wife and I got married, we expressed to each other that we would be one of the few couples who stay together until death and that neither of us would EVER be divorced. We promised God so solemnly. I remember her looking me so intensely in the eye and articulating with determination and love, “’To death do us part.” She would say this to me in bed after exchanging I-love-yous. I guess I’m not quite ready to visit there yet. Maybe I need a few more kicks to the ‘nads before I finally come to MY senses.

Big letter L on my forehead it seems.

sadmike,

You are being wrapped in the love of God on this thread. Everything good, everything wise, ultimately comes from Him. The people who have written to you are mouthpieces of God's great love for you.

I couldn't begin to answer the question of why did He allow this to happen to you - if I could I'd understand why it happened to me, too. Not to mention all the other BS's here. This much I can promise you - literally hundreds of people here feel or have felt the same pain you have, and have come out the other side stronger and better for the experience. Even if they never recovered their marriage, they recovered themselves. So you are not alone.

One other thought, too, can you picture God as the BS, weeping over the rejection by so many of His children? He mourns over your wife, and feels intense pain at her terrible choices. Even if you eventually move on without her, He will continue to grieve, and to call her again and again every day for the rest of her life.

I will pray for you before I go to sleep.

God bless,
Neak

PS No letter L on your forehead!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks NSYN.

It always feels good to know someone out there will pray for me.


And this actually gave me a brief chuckle.

Mike,

This is the worst pain you will ever feel. I know.
Many of us know.

We also know that it *does* get better. It *will* get better.

Please look into anti-depressants - they really helped me through the roughest times. Hang in there, bro.

Mike

Been there. I even tried it a year ago. Filled myself with A-d's and wine and drove my sportscar into a tree. Missed a head-on by inches, and swiped it instead.

I was disappointed to walk away from the wreck, scratched and bruised but basically OK.

Following that I considered a lot. Taking my life away from th epain was a chicken way out. It just transferred the sadness to those who loved me.

Far better to work on taking the pain from my life.

A year ago my wife, Squid had stolen our kids college money to set up hom with a cheating old wastrel and bang him in a cheap motel. I had attempted suicide.

This morning,a year later, Squid andI just made teasing, sleepy morning love and held, kissed and talked afterwards.

She adores me. I adore her. Our kids have happy parents for the first time in years. We both carry scars from her affair, and some have yet to heal but I am SO glad now I worked on removing the pain from my life, rather than my life from the pain.

If you get a grip I GUARANTEE you will feel better in a month or so.

In case you think I don;t know how you feel, read the advice I got from the experts on here by Clicking Here. And you know what, God understands how you feel too and he cares so much for marriages that he will help you in your situation if you ask even if you don't have faith to back up your requests.

All blessings

Bob, I have actually read just about everything you have written in this site. I even copied your report on how it feels to be a BS into an email letter that I considered sending to my ww. I wanted her to see an example of a possible happy ending. But in the end I didn’t bother. Right now she’s way too into OM and would not internalize it for how meaningful it really is. For her a happy ending is being with OM.

I envy you so much for being in recovery. I wish my wife and I were in Canada and could take as much time as needed for her A to end and for me to continue Plan A. But four months from now her immigration visa will expire. I doubt her A will even end by then. You see, they are actually in separate cities which only allows them to text and email each other and visit on weekends – like probably right now! So it all stays neatly in a fantasy bubble – still struggling to overcome the hurdles of their love.

Next Saturday I return to the Philippines to visit her family. What do you think, Bob? Is it worth trying to Plan A for a few months? It will be a strange situation where we will all be in the same bamboo shack (uncle, sister, brothers and cousins). I enjoy spending time with the family, but there are some cultural differences that make this complicated. The family (as in Philippine culture) will be super nice to me and tell me they want us back together. But they will also support her decision to be with OM and even hide it from me if/when she tells them to. Believe it or not, this is pretty normal behavior there. Blood is thicker than water, but nothing personal against anyone. I have been in Asia for five years now, so I’m getting pretty used to cultural oddities. I’m sure this sounds insane to most people in the West.

Right now she clearly wants nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. She is not cake eating at all. Am I fooling myself? Should I just pack it in? So far most people's advice has been about getting stronger, taking meds, working through divorce, finding love again. Is my situation completely futile? I don't want to get over anything. I want my wife back. Maybe I'm delusional.

Mike

The first thing I did was realise that Squid was not capable of rational decidion making while so addicted to the fantasy of her affair. and I was not capable of raional decision making while I hurt so badly either.

My first decision was that I shoudl do all I can to recover some sanity to our lives so that we could make sensible decisions concerning our future. I really didn;t know if I wanted to recover with Squid or not whan I started work on endingher affair through marriagebuilders plans. I DID know that we shoudn;t take important decisions while we were judgment impaired.

It takes sand and calm Mike I won't lie. But is the best way to go.

I reliased I'dalready LOST Squid, and it hurt, but I realised that nothing I could do - right or wrong - could make her MORE lost to me.

So I invested in ME. Became more independent. That led to confidence and restored sanity.

It ALSO was a HECK of a plan A ! I realised soon that I wanted to recover our marriage if possible and ran a Plan A like a project at work.

The rest is history.

Now my sit was different - Squid and I had many years history and kids together, so all I am doing is saying what I did not telling YOU what to do.

Just know that getting yourself strong and sane is a good thing to do whetehr you recpover or not , and know that almost every FWS on this site has said that a pathetic, begging, crying BS is a very unnatractive thing indeed soon after d-day.

You are much more than your marriage Mike. Pracice getting yoru head together for when you visit her family. Explian to them how very sad you are that your WW is having an affair and that you would appreciate their support in giving you the chance to recover your marriage.

But again, don;t be pathetic. It just isn;t good.

Al blessings.

Thanks for the support, Bob. Academically I think I’m prepared. I have studied this site as much as possible, and many people, including you, have offered advice I know to be true. I guess all I can do is try and keep my cool. I’m a teacher here in Korea and have been practicing to stay warm and happy to my little students even when my insides are burning up. But sometimes they say “teacher sad” to me. This is strong evidence that I’m not hiding my pain as much as I think I am.

Psychology and meds for depression are not nearly as common in this culture as in the West. There’s a huge stigma attached to being “week minded” here. So I don’t know how successful I will be at obtaining antidepressants. But I’ll give it a try this week. If it proves too difficult, I’ll try in the Philippines when I arrive.

Communicating to ww’s family about my desire for support will be difficult because their ability to communicate in English is limited. They know I want my wife back, but I can only imagine the lies she has told them in order to justify her decision to stray. Typically in their culture, they will not put any pressure on her to lean in either direction. They will simply sit back and let things unfold as they will; bahala na (God’s will).

I will do my best to be confident, cheerful, patient, giving, understanding, and strong when I arrive. Can I still be pathetic here on MB? (half joke)

I guess this is where I really HAVE to hope God will help me out. Please anyone reading this (yes even the lurkers), I ask you to say a prayer for me to succeed. My faith has become very week as of late, but I hope you who have strong faith will help to compensate me. I really need you. I really need God’s help.

Thanks in advance.

That's the idea! Come here to vent and cry and be pathetic, and be cool and collected for the WW when/if you get the chance.

Sorry I'm not any help to you otherwise... just want you to know that someone cares, and to assure you that it will get better.

[/quote]just want you to know that someone cares [/quote]

Thanks for caring. Every little bit helps.

Mike

Using MB as a journal and a sounding board is very useful, I find.

It s a straight edge that you can measure the crookedness of your situation and your planned next step against.

Its a hard time for you Mike. I feel for you. And I wish I could convey just a SHRED of confidence that yor life will get better very soon. You are reeling from a huge insult right now. But you won't always.

I'll be away at our holiday home for a couple of days now, but PLEASE check in. Note that weekends can be kind of slow here with folks doing family stuff.

All blessings.

Dear Mike ~

Did it occur to you....that maybe...just maybe....that just because God isn't speaking to you the way you want Him to do so...that He isn't speaking?

It seems to me, on your darkest night, while you were alone in a country far away from family and friends, you needed words of love, comfort and understanding, and you reached out and received it, on a message board on the internet.

You think that wasn't God?

Bob, thanks for your honest support. I’ll keep checking in through the week and even after I arrive in the Philippines. I think I’ll need your wisdom more than ever at that point especially.

Enjoy your weekend and God bless.

Bramblerose,

Very powerful words. Thank you for challenging my doubts in such a wonderful way. It’s true that the people who have reached out to me here have been the only thing between my living another day and jumping off my balcony.

I guess we BS live in a fog as well. Sometimes it becomes so blinding that there seems no beacon to guide us through the storm and around the rocks. I have always been taught that God speaks through people. So I know there is truth to what you say.

I guess my ability to trust has been shattered to the point where I don’t even know how to recognize God anymore. I do know, however, that all good comes from Him. The people here on MB are certainly good.

Heavy sigh...I just miss her...