Hi,

I am new to the idea of posting in a forum so I feel a little akward sharing this with strangers. But I really feel like I need some outside advice.

My wife of almost 20 years has admitted to me of being dishonest. This comes only after we have fought repeadtley about this "friend" that is a never ending issue. She works in a salon with almost 50 people and only a few of them are male. She has a very close"friend" that she insists on having a realtionship with. She assures me they are only freinds , this dispite the problems it has caused in our relationship. This "Freindhsiop has been a topic fro us fro over one year. LIke I said she works withs over 50 woemen but yet chooses to have this "Freind". This last month alone she had almost 200 txt messages and many phone calls to and from this person. I have no reason to beleive this is a sexual relationship , but it is an emotional one to say the least. I was willing to put up with it an continue thinking I am just making things up in mind , untill one night. I awake to find she isint in bed , I find her in the dark downstairs with her phone TXT messaging at 3 in the am. She wouldn't give up the phone or share the txt with me and demaded it was her private right to the phone. So OK. Than i find she had been doing this many times, the ealry morning late night converstations. Than when i got the last cell bill I find she actually was texting him while we where on a family trip out of town. Than she calls him as soon as we get back into town. When I confront her about it and explain that this really bothers me that she chooses this realtionship over ours. She says she doesnt understand why I am so upset when there is nothing going on with them. MY point is always why dont you befried any of the 50 plus women you work with. I am not the jelous type ,I mean she has men that are clients that she works with on a daily basis and thisa deosn't bother me, but this one guy is really too much to bear. I have reveiewed phone bills now over the last six months and it all shows up , txt after txt and call afcter call. She says I am ridiculous and i am blowing this way out line. But I dont understand why she kept ita seccet fro so long and than when it does come out it suddenly is her private right ot have this freind. OUr marriage has never had such rules. She is 48 years old 9 years older than myself and this freind is 23 or soemthing, she says he is just a lost kid that needs a freind. I say why do you neeed to be this freind when you know how I feel about it.I don't think so. Plus i have heard through other people that there are rumors of this "Friend" moving in with her. What? How is gooing to work. I asked her about that, she only replied that it was a silly joke.

So about 2 weeks ago we came do an agrrement she would ahve his frreindhsip at work and we would have our relationship away from her work. However she has not stuck to the plan. Now the secret she confesses is this, after i cuaght her phoning him yet again after she said she would't do any longer. Is that she has starting smoking about 2 months ago, this just is not her. I asked why she had kept the secret and she expl,ained that I just wouldnt understand. I asked if she is going to continue smoking and she said she hasn't decided. I mean what a time a your life to start a new (bAD) habit. I don't know this woman, why all of this change. I need to trust her.

So need less to say when we discussed/fought about her actions she says I am trying to controll her. THis is a common stance she takes on just about anything we disagree on. GEEEEZZZZZZ i mean come on. I really would not jeapordise our realtion over any isue that hurt her as bad as this hurts me.

So am I being ridiculous , or am I in deep trouble.

please help.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us. It is a great place to be.

Your marriage is in BIG trouble. She is having at least an emotional affair - which is often more dangerous to the marriage than a physical affair. You can tell how foggy she is. She doesn't think hundreds of text messages, even in the middle of the night and on vacation, (and with her husband disapproving), is a problem.

There is a third person in your marriage and you are right to be very concerned.

Keep reading here and posting. See if you can figure out some of your wife's emotional needs and start meeting them.

Jeeping,

I would say your in trouble...maybe not BIG trouble, but trouble.

""She wouldn't give up the phone or share the txt with me and demaded it was her private right to the phone.""

She is uncomfortable sharing the text messages because she knows you will become angry, knowing what they are saying to each other.

In a true happy marriage, there is no reason for privacy except in the bathroom and writing in a journal. Phone privacy or email privacy, to me, means secrets..as in a secret life.

"you are controling me" is always another red flag!

Is the 23 year old married? Have you ever talked to him.
Might he be gay? Sorry, just sterotyping here.

I think some more in depth snooping might be in order.

Welcome to MB, by the way! Best place to be in your sitch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Jeep - my ww's first affair was almost strictly text messaging and cell phone conversations.

Your wife sounds to me like she is in a full blown EA for sure. And since she works with him, it is possible that it is a PA, too. Sounds like they take smoke breaks together.

The stuff you read on this forum will help you. You might find yourself doing some detective work that might make you feel uncomfortable. You need to get some proof. Then you need to expose, and get moving.

Trust me - an affair by phone or text message can kill your M. I did not move drastically enough - I was not informed enough and did not spend enough time here learning how to save my M during that first A. I waited too long, and let it go on for months after I found out about it. I listened to her about how to save the M. It was wrong to listen to her advice. Now it may be too late for me.

There are folks here who can tell you what to do. Just keep listening.

But - yes. It all sounds too familiar. You can NOT trust her. She is NOT your wife, but an alien who looks like her. This is your official red lights and sirens.

Keep calling out here - you will get help.

far

Believer is right on the money.

This is absolutely an emotional affair, and do NOT feel that it's less dangerous to your marriage...from my personal experience, I would consider it MORE dangerous.

So far, she's following the standard script. The 'controlling' comments, the 'just friends' comments...straight from the manual.

It was similar behavior that led me to catch my wife in her EA. Hang in here, and watch for some good advice from the 'pro's'.

Start working on making your marriage and home a better place for her to be...make it more attractive so that she'll be tempted by it instead of her relationship with her OM. That's the first step. The second is to ensure that she understands that what she's doing HURTS...it hurts you, and it can only HURT your marriage. A 'friend' should NEVER come first over your marriage...and that should be a clue as to how dangerous this is to your marriage. Let her know that continuing to behave as she is will hurt you and your family.

Read all of the documentation you can here about the Love Bank, LoveBusters, etc...and start applying it now.

Good luck to you friend.

The txt mssg thing struck a nerve with me, as this was the first evidence I found of my W's A. I am not saying that this is necessarily the case here. Although you should be on full alert. The trick to snooping is that you have act "As if". That is as if nothing is going on, or you suspect anything is going on. Any type of confrontations at this point will simply drive her further underground and make it more difficult for you to determine what is going on. They will deny, deny, and deny....all the way to the end if not forever. You have to understand this.
Research plan A and implement a good plan immediately. All the while being very observant. You must know the enemy if you are to win. Good luck.

Thank you all, I guess maybe I am not crazy. Up to this point I have had nothing to rely on except for my instinks. I really did not have any one to confide in. Tahnk you.

I met this "Freind" of hers many times. IN fact I confronted him over one year ago when I had heard he was flirting with my then 17 year old daughter. I explained to him that she was not avialableand he was too old for her . At that time my wife said that he was gay and that the flirting was harmless. I have heard that he has had girlfriends , but never have sen it for myself. Now my wife says that she is not sure if he really was ever gay.

I will use the tools from this website and continue to work on myself. I just feel really releaved that I am not over jealous or somehting like that.

When she told me she had started smoking , i thought maybe this whole thing is some kind of mid life thing for her. But know this smoke break thing nmaybe does make some since.

Thanks for the help.

Dear Jeeping,
Your situtation sounds just like mine was before I called the other woman and confirmed that my husband had become this love-sick teenager who couldn't keep from calling or contacting her. He was having an emotional affair with this woman he saw almost everyday when he visited his mother in an assisted living facility where the other woman was the activities director.
My husband was constantly calling the woman, text-messaging this woman and staying late to talk to this woman at the facility. It took almost two months of me snooping, and having many fights with my husband, who like your wife said they were only friends. Follow your instincts, my instincts were right on.

Jeeping,

Consider getting the book, "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. The Harleys highly recommend it. It explores EAs well and will help you understand what you're dealing with.

Also the Harley books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair" are must haves too.

The EA my husband had was perplexing and bewildering...it's easy for them to deny since most people think the term affair requires sex to occur.

A female friend of mine actually had an EA with a gay guy. Her relationship interferred greatly with her marriage. She thought it was Ok, because no sex was involved - neither were interested in that.

However he did fill some of her top ENs. And she blocked her husband from filling those ENs as well.

The 2nd part of the title of "His Needs, Her Needs" is how to "affair-proof" your marriage. Personally I think it should be required reading for anyone in a relationship.

The problem is that you're not in the position to "educate" your wife. We hear what she's saying to you all the time on this forum. The controlling statements too.

You're the only one you can educate...but you can invite her to work on your marriage together. The EN and LB questionnaires are a great place to start. You can find them on this website or in HNHN.

Thank you,

I have already downloaded the EN and plan to work on it. My only concern is that she deos not find the same interset in using the tool. I have recently bought other books that I have been using trying to shore up my end of the problems. Thinking that I have been the cause of this issue. I do take responsibilty for not meeting whatever needs I have falllen short of. However i simply cannot tolerate her attitude as if this freind is only a freind and that I should not be worried.

She straight out asked me , if I had the problem with this freind becuase he is male. I said yes, it is absolutley the issue. She says this is my fault for not trusting her. I do see her point, though it is skewed. I have explained how this makes me feel, she is sorry for hurting my feelings , but insists it is my problem to get over.

Thanks for all your comments, please keep them coming.

Gently tell her that it's HER marriage as much as it is yours. And that makes it an "OUR" problem...not just yours. It's really just that simple. If either of you are feeling as bad as you are, then it's an issue that HAS to be addressed, not ignored!

Jeeping, what's normally advised here is exposure. You're no longer wondering if she's in an A. We've established that I believe. I would consider telling some of the 50 woman at the salon what you see. You may find a friend you didn't know you had who will be an asset. But I think by talking to a couple of people there you'll get a good feel of exactly what's going on. It's time for drastic measures because sitting back and watching this unfold will only make healing that much more difficult. It's time for damage control. If it didn't go to PA you will be glad you interevened. If it already went to PA you will again, be glad you intervened. And finally when the fog lifts, SHE will be glad you intervened. Your insticts are not wrong. This relationship is as out of character for her as is smoking. And she's smoking.

Decide on a plan of action and don't get side tracked with her fog talk.

ok,

I get the talk to her gently. I think that is right on the money. I have confrimed with her that she does want are marriage to work. The only sticking point is that, she deosnt see it as our issue. We really have not ever fought over many things over the last years. Financially we have never had issues and really the only problem we have really ever had is seeing eye to eye on discipline of our now 2 tenagers. Howveer we have always kind of negotiated what we both could live with when it came to resolving any conflict. But this time it differnt. I woiuld agree that I am more agressive than she but,thats why I really want to make a direct approach to solving this problem. However it deosn't work like that apparently. I provide her with a good home , and other things of that nature. I am a hard worker in my business and at home. I share my load with the cooking , cleaning and as of late feel as if I have been doing her share as well. I feel as if she (we) are disconnected. She says she hasn't changed her feelings or her outlook on the marriage. But when i press the issue of her actions she really some how justifies it saying it is all about me , controlling her.

I am not sure if hiting this thing head on , the direct approach is a solid idea. I mean what if I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion. If I go to her work I could jepordise her job or who knows what. I mean what would people think.? I know that sounds ridiculous at this point . But I guess I still feel unsure as to what she is actually doing , and if what she doing is actually wrong. I mean it feels wrong to me and I appreciate all of what you have told me. I am confused.

Thank you

It seems the longer I sit here waiting to get more words of wisdom. I cant help but think that maybe I should just let this whole thing blow over. Maybe I am just making too much of this. After all would she really consider throwing away 20 years of marriage on some kid 1/2 her age? Why> Why does this not make any snese to me.Am I willing to live with the outcome of what I may find out if I continue to press? I just don't know!

I truly am more confused than ever before!

Hey...read my posts. My H is having a 'frindship' with a 17 yo girl and there were over a THOUSAND messages in one billing cycle.

Anyway...he promised me a NC letter so thats a good thing.

Read my posts. It really sucks.

I think you should go for exposure especially if she won't stop when asked. Just do it right the first time, I didn't and it has prolonged the agony.

Take care;

by the way, I have a jeep for off road (52 willys)

Jeeping, I know that a big part of you wants to believe that this is all nothing but innocent fun. I so wish I could encourage you in that belief. I wish I could tell you that you are overreating.

But I can't.

And neither can the others on this forum.

You want to know why? Its' because we can clearly see all the signs of a full blown affair. It is extremely obvious to us. You may be able to lie to yourself, but we don't do that.

No married woman in the world would risk her 20 year marriage over a mere "friend." No married person gets up in the middle of the night to have secret phone calls with her girlfriend or send her texts. Has she ever behaved this way with a female friend?

Of course she hasn't.

Jeep, you will be throwing your marriage away if you DON'T do something about this affair and stop it before it goes onto the next phase. You have an obligation to be there for your wife, and that includes leading her out of dangerous, destructive situations. That is what a loving partner does, he doesn't turn his head and pretend away what he can plainly see.

This will not blow over. It will get bigger and bigger. You can see that they are getting closer and closer as time goes by.

Its time to step up to the plate, my friend. You have a job to do, and that job is to save your marriage.

Thank you for the advice.

What do you mean go for the "Exposure" I have not found this on the website? I spoke with my wife earlier today and she told me she had to call the "Freind" this morning when he didnt show up for work. I asked as to why this is sudenly her responsibilty why cant the owner call her employee. Her response was she thought I would feel better since she informed me of it and it was only the second time they have phoned or txted since this last weekand. I am not feeling warm and fuzzy about her comment. She insistded she wouldn't hurt me with an affair, she just doesnt see this is killing me.

up all night yet again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

For exposure, consider anybody close to her. Such as family, sisters, best girl friends, the jerk's boss, etc. Do it all at once like Melody said, drop a nuclear bomb rather than throw a rock here and there.

Its not your secret to keep. If they want to have a secret relationship you are not obligated to cover it up.

From what I understand, it is a recoverable situation. Please don't make my same mistakes.

DO NOT let this thing blow over!! I went through the same thing as you last year and it turned into a PA. My wife started smoking cigarettes again after 7 years and then started smoking pot to help her go to sleep because of her bad back because that's what the OM did, they even planted some together. I never thought she could do anything like this and everyone who knew the other man was certain she would not risk her marriage and family for him. I repeatedly told her I was uncomfortable with her relationship and was told the same things you are hearing. Do not listen to her, you must treat this as what it is, it is an affair and will only get worse if you ignore it, it might get worse even if you don't ignore it. Dig in you are in a fight for your future.

Thank you all very much.

I am normally a move straight ahead, hit it right square in the mouth kinda guy. This situationn however is different, I just can't seem to muster the courage.I am afraid of losing her and all that we have built together.

Thanks again I need to consider all that you told me.