Jeep,

Can you stop by her work to bring flowers, lunch, dinner, pick something up......make it up if you have to.

I think it's important you make your presence known to this fellow and her work place.

It also wouldn't hurt to woo her a bit in an attempt to rekindle the fire (ya know what I mean). A reminder of who her husband is as a man and her only love wouldn't hurt your situation.

Sounds like Plan A to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


EN questionare is a really good place to start. However, your wife needs to wake up.... This guy is 23? Good Grief!

Wishing you well

Rachel

Thanks

I think that is a really good idea. Gets the point across without causing a major issue for her at her workplace.Just so you know I did confront this Freind , and basically asked him what he thought he was doing with a mrried woman. He said of "we are just freinds". He stoped the TXT and phones for almost a month but W started up frist and he joined right back in.

Jeeping,
Might I suggest another tact. You are in an interesting spot, and a hard one. I think your wife has already crossed over. If she is getting msg's at 3am in the morning, and calling him at home to see why he ain't at work... when you have asked/told her not to, she is in a PA. I know that is a leap, but, you had better take that leap now, and strengthen yourself for the admission. Think about what is at risk, and how it is being risked...you know what the answer means.

Don't give her an INCH. Stand tall, and draw a line in the sand for yourself, your integrity, your children...everything, your marriage. Your sense of Right and Wrong. I know this is jumping the gun for alot of MB'ers, but I don't think you can afford any time in a plan A. You came here and have read, I know you know how you have screwed up at this point...the longer you ALLOW her to keep on, the worse all of it is gonna get. I say you get her to committ right now to no contact, or you ask her to leave the house. Anything less is an admission of the affair, imo.

You are in a dire situation, don't you dare let her talk her way around this in any fashion. How involved are her parents in your life? I think it might be time to get some support from them...don't tell them what you suspect, but, ask for help on working on your marriage maybe?

Jeeping- I, like the others feel your pain. I let my wife indulge her EA for 4 months hoping it would "blow over" and guess what? She had UNPROTECTED sex with him, then the had UNPROTECTED sex with me. Luckily no diseases- That's what waiting did for me.

You ask if your wife would give up all she has for a man half her age? She's not thinking that way right now, but yes, she would.

My wife is, by all who know her, the sweetest thing ever. We've been together ten years and have two kids. There's never been any kind of abuse, drug use, or other weirdness. Our families get along famously. Would she risk her family for a violent man who spent time in the state pen? Yes, she did. And she risked her health and mine as well. And our childrens' future.

Wake up man. You asked how to expose...drop the bomb like an earlier post said. Your parents, her parents, her best friends, and whoever else you can think of. Make sure there's an unsympathetic ear everywhere she turns.

Her behavior is entirely inappropriate, there is no excuse for it anytime, anyplace. You will do nothing wrong by exposing it. I tapped some "pissed off" emotion to help me be more decisive in the exposure, maybe that would help you. Are you NOT pissed off that your wife is cavorting with another man who knows she's married?

Good luck.

FWS reporting in. Jeeping... I have to tell you, on some level she may not want to be having an affair (emotional or physical), but if she can't control herself enough to break the addiction of calling and texting him then she's in the Fog and YOU have to act. I speak from experience. Even though I knew the A was wrong and OM and I would distance ourselves for a bit, we always came back to each other... partially bc we WORKED TOGETHER and couldn't get away from each other... we were addicted to escaping our life problems through the affair. Follow the advice of the people on this board. For her sake as well as yours!

OK ,

So today I knew the "Friend" was not at her woprk today so i decided to send flowers to her work. All I had them put on the card was "I just wnat you to know I love you". So I get a Call from her today. The frist thing she says to me is , did you send me flowers? I was shocked by ???? so I said I didn't send flowers, why would I send flowers? She than acted as if she needed to back peddle , though that may be my own pariniod thinking. She said , it must be BR*** our son. I said why would he send you flowers , do they seem to be expensive. So she eliminated our son as the choice.

Than finally I said , of cousre I sent you the flowers , who else would send you flowers with that syaing on the card.

I left it at that, so what do you think. Does this really measn anything.

Hello,

Can I get some feed back from the pros on this last post,

Thanks

BTW WORKINGFORMORE thanks fOR your thoughts , I would like to talk to you more and get more from your perspective if thats ok.

How to I private you or soemthing like that?

Frankly, it makes me think that she IS having an affair. She was thinking that HE sent her the flowers.

I think you really need to realize that, crazy as it seems, your wife is having a affair.

The affair needs to be exposed.

Jeeping, you said that you were a take the bull by the horns kinda guy. You can continue to bump your post to keep more opinions coming in but I think already you see an extremely consistent theme. I don't think one poster has suggested "you wait and see it may be nothing". You already are experiencing the pain of an EA. If you allow it to go to PA, if it hasn't already, the pain is magnified to say the least. Now you wake up in the middle of the night not sure why but simply because something isn't right. If you discover a PA you will wake up in the middle of the night with a movie playing in your head. This will go on for about 8 months without an intermission. In fact you likely will wake up at exactly the same time every night regardless of when you go to sleep. Kinda like the "Amityville Horror".

You can not sit back and watch "nature" take it's course. Someone said that you need to protect your W from a horrible mistake. That is correct. You have an obligation to follow your insticts. And BTW, don't think I'm not sympathetic. I have been manipulated for a long, long time and it has cost me dearly.

If you want an expert make an appointment with Steve or Jennifer Harley to establish a course of action. Good luck.

So after dinner we fought nad argues for like 1/2 hour. Finally I agreed I would not argue with her anymore , but told her instead that I was going to expose her. I explained what I would do. Maybe wrong move? She got very angry , more than usual. She siad the threat of that is something I could not take back. Meaning it must have hurt her deeply. She than left the house , this more than 1/2 an hour ago. Now no answer on her cell phone.

I gues I really screwed up.

BIG WRONG MOVE. When you expose them, you don't warn them first.

Please calm down and let the folks here help you.

Calm down , I am freakin out. I thought the threat would be enough. I guess I never really thought any was going on.

I am an idiot
:-(

Your not an idiot... You made a mistake it happens to all of us. Now you have to calm down and get your head together and make a plan to expose this as soon as possible.

You have got to expose as soon as possible before your WW can get to everyone and make it look like your the nut... She will tell them you don't know what your talking about etc. etc. So start making your exposure plan now and implement it ASAP....

Think about this: if she was sneaking out of bed at 3 am to text message a female friend or deceiving you in other ways about a female friend you would have just as much right to be upset about this. Let her know "you know, I've been thinking about your question - and I've realized that I would be upset about this situation if the friend was female, because you are placing the importance of your friend over that of our marriage, and because you are being dishonest with me."

Her point is not valid at all. It doesn't matter whether or not the "friend" is male or female - that friend is getting time and emotional energy that is being drained from your marriage. Her deception is not about you - it is about her deliberately covering up something she knows is wrong.

Get the Harley books: Surviving an Affair; His Needs, Her Needs; Lovebusters. Read them, absorb them and live them. Plan A: eliminate lovebusters; attempt to meet the emotional needs that she will allow you to meet; follow the advice Dr. Harley outlines in Surviving an Affair.

Good luck.

CS

Jeeping, fighting with her only gives her justification to carry on her affair. I am confused about why you would threaten to expose her, though? That only ruins the effectiveness of exposure, because forewarned is forearmed. It is a terrible strategy to forwarn a WS who is desperately protecting an affair. She can now pre-empt you and spin the story with you starring as the nut. I would suggest moving forward and exposing her NOW before she has a chance to do that, lest you lose that powerful weapon.

She is obviously very scared of being exposed and it may very well shine the light of reality of her affair. The reason that exposure is so effective in ruining affairs is because it forces the infidels too see themselves through the eyes of others when forced to explain. It is a big jolt of reality to see how sleazy one looks to others.

To whom would you expose?

Jeeping, please read my thread: For BS’s: “Being effective and operating from strength”. I’ve bumped it for you. Hope it will give you some strength & courage to follow through with what you need to do to help stop the A and safe your M.

Good luck - you can do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Suzet

Jeeping please do what the folks here say. We've all had the experience.

Your wife is not your wife anymore, so don't expect her to be. I would also not play games like the flowers game, or warn her of your next action. She's not on your side at all right now.

Expose immediately, all you've done so far is ratchet up the intensity of the situation.

Expose or expect things to get worse very soon.

100x WORSE would be an understatement.