OK,

So i have talked to my best freind this morning, he is on baord and cant wait to tell his wife tonight,as they will be a great help. I have repeadelty tried to talk to the OM but the W always blocks the attempt or is threatning me. I hate to go to his work , where my wife also works as it may jeopardise my W job. But I am willing to do it if he won't return my calls to him. Her parents are very old school, ahve ben married along time, have ben through infedelity, and are very fickle , they always find the worst in people. When we visit they spend alot of time tearing down the sibblings, this is why I feel they may take her side and give her more strenght. I am sure they talk crap on me to her on a regular basis. But this is only a hunch. I am prepaired to talk to my parents now also, though before i didnt want them to think badly of her, I know denial :-).

I am reveieng my plan A again and will revisit love busters.

How shoudl I act toward her , on a normal basis. For exmaple before i left for work today I said, " I LOve you" , she said no you dont and slammed the bathroon door.
This is the hardest part?

Thank you

Jeep,

Why aren't you exposing to their new employer and colleagues?

Your wife can get another job, but she can't get another you!

I KNOW she'll be angry...and make more threats...so what? Your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it cannot and will not survive an ongoing affair...

You don't need to care about the affair partners losing their jobs because of their bad choices...with all choices come consequences...Your focus must be on busting up the affair by making it REALLY uncomfortable.

Stop enabling the infidels by keeping their dirty little secret for them...

Mrs. Wondering

Jeep,

Hold on to the ILY's (I love you's), for a while...right now they don't penetrate the fog that she's in, and they make you appear needy and desperate to her. (I know that's not true, it's just what WSes think, while they are foggy.) You can be kind without ILY's and relationship talks...I know this is really hard, but hang tough, and know that you are "fighting the good fight" here...

Mrs. W

How shoudl I act toward her , on a normal basis. For exmaple before i left for work today I said, " I LOve you" , she said no you dont and slammed the bathroon door.
This is the hardest part?

Thank you

Don't say ILY.

It's a way of putting pressure on her to say it back to you ... she is incapable of loving you right now ... it's not "your wife" you are dealing with ... it's an alien.

Say things like:

I know this is hard. We will make our way through this.

I know you are in pain too.

I am ready to make changes to become a better man and husband.

I will not be a piece of a human triangle in our marriage.

Jeep...see my post just above yours...we were posting at the same time...

Mrs. W

Jeep...

Listen to Pep, she's a pro like Melody...those are great things to say to your WW...

Mrs. W

OK ,

So my wife says today that the OM is going to call me. She says this is because it will prove to me that nothing is going on between them and that they really are just freinds. She implied while talking to me that, after he calls me i am going to owe her the biggest apology , and she isnt going to accept it.

Mean while as I said, I have been trying to talk to the OM with no luck. If for no other reason than to get a bead on him and let him know that I am aware of their game.

What should I say to him , and do I need to show him the same courtesy as I am showing my wife?

I have shopped for a PI toady and WOW that is really expensive. I may have to try to flush them out on my owne first.

Tell him to stay the F*** away from your wife. She is only telling him to do this, so she can continue to talk to him. It proves absolutely NOTHING!!!!!

WOW ,

Umm OK.......

So have you asked her "If he's just a friend, why would you threaten to divorce me if I try to call him?"

When you talk with him, don't ask him anything...because they're both just going to LIE!!

Instead, simply tell him that if this is 'just a friendship', and if he values her as a friend and wants to do what is right for her, then he needs to walk away and let her focus on her marriage, which OBVIOUSLY is the most important thing in her life. Even if she doesn't want him to...if he's a FRIEND, he'd do that for her.

This isn't likely to get you anything...but make it VERY clear to him that you're NOT going to just give up on your marriage and your wife...that you're willing to do anything you can to rebuild your marriage...and that his 'friendship' with her is an obstacle that has to be removed for you to do so.

Expose at work...don't let her threaten you with divorce. Again...why would she threaten divorce over a FRIENDSHIP?!?!?!

Thank you OWL,

That sounds like a solid idea. I think this goes back to the fog talk. She really deosn't realise how telling some of things she says.

She always tells me that I am the throwing away our marriage over a freindship. That she has nothing to do with it. That I am the one blowing things way out line.

Thanks again , as of now he hasn't called me and to tell you the truth I am pretty sure he isn't going to call me. I do feel I have to confront him even if I have to force the issue. My WW needs to know that I will do whatver it takes to break this thing open.

Jeeping, I have read your posts and want to congratulate you for doing a superb job. As BobPure would say, you changed from a serf to a knight when you confronted your W head on. You did very good.

But, your work is not done and timing is CRITICAL right now. Your wife is furious because you are ruining her affair and she knows it. She looks like a fool and a liar in front of her kids. You might as well get your money's worth out of THIS ONE lovebuster and expose her NOW instead of going through all this again and having to deal with multiple lovebusters.

It is best to get all your exposures done AT ONCE so that it has the maximum impact - hopefully a knock out blow - and so that you only have to deal with one episode of fury. I would suggest you call her parents NOW and tell them what you told the kids. Tell them you are trying to save your marriage and ask for their help in influencing their daughter to end her affair with her boyfriend for the KID'S SAKE.

This is a crucial exposure, Jeeping, that will cause huge problems in the affair. Having to explain her affair to her aged parents will be a huge reality check.

Then, call her boss and tell her the very same thing.

Don't expect to get much out of talking to scummyboy, but let him know that he is in for a heap of grief if he doesn't end this affair because you will do what it takes to save your marriage.

PI's are very expensive that is why the voice activated digital recorder is so invaluable. Only $50-$90 and you get the info almost immediately.


As far as the phone call with OM. I am not completely certain how to play this but here are my ideas.

1st - Play a bluff with them. Tell them you have already hired a PI and have pictures, telephone conversations and everything that proves their adulterous behavior. (I think this may work better on just your wife in a face to face conversation...if OM calls your bluff... which on the phone he may be smarter than to give up his denials...then you will never be able to use this bluff again and may come off as an idiot)

2nd Idea - Go along with his "Friend" claim and ask him as your wife's friend to withdraw the friendship as it is destroying WW's marriage. What kind of friend is he????. Married women should not have friends that come before their husbands. Inform him that you and WW are trying to work out your problems and that is impossible with a 3rd party in the relationship, friends or not.

3rd Idea - No bluff, just directly tell him you know he is having an inappropriate relationship with your wife. You are doing everything you can to save the marriage and his presence as a "friend" or otherwise will not be tolerated. When he responds with babble "your controlling", "your an a$$" do not engage him either repeat the above and/or say if you're just a friend why are you so hostile.

When he says "she does not want to be married to you anymore" say "I do not see how that is any of your business...that comment alone demonstrates the inappropriatness of your relationship and why your "friendship" must end".

The most important thing to do here is to remain calm and focused on saving your marriage. Do not be baited into an argument. Repeat when necessary that you will do whatever it takes to be your wife's best friend and husband. His relationship is inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Back off and let us heal our marriage.

I've kinda rambled but I think I like #3 in hindsight. Sometimes you have to play these conversations by feel. I would try to avoid having the conversation in front of your wife. Then maybe you can play bluff number #1 on her and tell her you just had the same conversation with OM. Don't give to many details of the conversation because she may feel the bluff coming on if you put to many words in OM's mouth. Remember, WW will deny to the end unless she thinks she is totally busted. Therefore, you must first just act like you are trying to drag the truth out of her...say "how can you lie straight to my face" or "If you are lieing, then you are the meanest person I have ever met". Then portray how hurt you are, shake your head and drop your eyes and slowly reveal that you already know everything but just wanted so badly to get it from her mouth. Tell her the PI story that you have pictures and recorded phone conversations to prove it.

The bluff worked for me. I told my wife I had a copy of every single text message they had sent to each other. It wasn't true but I did get a few she had used the computer to send and she had no way of knowing that text messages are pretty much impossible to get. Even after that day she and OM thought I saw all their text messages. I gave her just enough truth from what I knew to convince her she was totally busted so she came clean. The affair didn't end right away but it was out in the open. Affairs thrive on secrecy and they think their is no way you can know what they have already done so they will deny, deny, deny until confronted by seemingly overwhelming proof. You may need to wait a few days to bluff to accumulate a little evidence on your recorder.

If the bluff does not work you stick with it. Don't reveal it was just a bluff. She may ask to see your proof and stay with her denials until then. You just say you do not have them right there as you refused to look at them (hurts too bad). You merely asked the PI whether it was an affair and he said yes. Tell her you wish she would tell you the truth so you do not have to endure looking at the pictures and listening to the conversations. Remain confident you know what you know.

These are just my guesses at the best way to handle this.

Sorry it is so long, I'll kill you if you've already had the conversation.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

P.S. - Melody's back - listen to her.

Thank you for your great advice.

I have not talked to OM , becuase he has not called me. I am focused on going to thier work to speak with him. I didn't want to confront him there as my wife has made the threat fo divorce if I embarass her in front of her colleagues.

Mean while I am trying to get the courage up to follow through with Melody's advice to expose to parents. I feel mine are the best shot, I may try to do it tonight.

I really wnat to talk to the OM ,this guy is just real ........... well you know what I mean.

Thank you

I am going to get a recorder right now.

Jeeping, please call HER parents, they will likely have the greatest influence and may be able to help you the most.

Why do you want to talk to the OW so badly? What are you going to say?

Jeeping,

I do not see the point of contacting OM if he does not contact you first. He does not give a damn about you and will just lie to you like your ww is right now. If I were you, I would focus on exposing the affair at their work, to her parents, and to yours.

You seem to be very worked up right now. I would suggest that you calm down a little if you can, especially if you go to talk to OM. You don't want your emotions to get the best of you in that case.

Best

OK ,

So i got my voice recoder locked an loaded.

I stopped by my W work. The OM was not there. She came out to talk to me. I asked why he hadn't called today as she said he would. She said , OM said it wasn't worth his time to talk to me. AS far as he is concerned he has done nothing wrong he is just freinds with her and doesn't understand why I shoud be so upset. Than she added that he thinks I am idiot for thinking any thing was going on. I need to talk him , I feel i could judge his character if I could get a face to face or even a phone call.

Finally i asked my wife to sleep in our bed tonight , she replied " I have no reason to , dont you think you have doen enough to me already".

I mean HELLO am I going nuts here. What if I am wrong about this , I mean I have no hard evidence of thier affair.

I need to get something on this recorder.

The (her) parents , becuase of our history and the way they have raised there 5 children , I am not so sure they would even care , or if they did they would take her side.

I don't know, that one may just really blow up in my face: I don't know,

:-(

Jeeping, if the parents wouldn't care, then there is nothing to fear, right? But I betcha your W would care. Thats ok if they take her side, just as long as you get to tell the story and put her in a position to have to explain her sleazy relationship with a young boy.

Yes, it WILL make her mad, but that is ok. It will have served its purpose when she is forced to explain herself and sees that you mean business. Don't be afraid, Jeeping, this is a critical exposure.

You know, I sort of like the idea of you having a chat with the OM as long as you think you can control your temper. He seems to be a tad bit scared at the prospect, which can only serve to make the affair, aka "friendship" quite uncomfortable. \

Jeeping, please call her parents. It really is the right thing to do, but it would be best if it is done NOW.

Jeeping, please don't try to do your reality testing with your fogged out wife. "Friends" don't get up in the middle of night and sneak in the basement to talk their "friends" all night. You are not crazy, your W is crazy if she thinks any rational person would view this as a "friendship."