I was in plan A which means I locked up my Taker and acted with my Giver. I did my best to make home a safe, comfortable place to be. I tried hard to not engage in any LB activities (wasn't perfect here). I strived to meet my H’s ENs (as I could guess them). I resolved myself to not expect my WS to undertake any efforts to meet my ENs.

A bit of history - My WS had an internet affair. He had an account and active profile on a website geared towards finding sex partners. According to credit card records, he began the activity in March 2005 and I discovered it on May 19. He admits he visited the site for several weeks before getting a paid subscription so activity could have started as early as January (assuming he is bending the facts in his favor somewhat) but I don’t believe started any sooner because his “handle” included the year 2005. He carried on an active email correspondence with OW he met on the site and had agreed to meet her for the “interview” but I discovered all this before any actual meeting took place. WH ceased all activity upon my discovery. As part of agreed-upon boundary-setting he now allows me carte blanche access to his email and to his computer to review his internet history. I also have unrestricted access to his cell phone records, his financial records, etc. He has made a very good effort for transparency. By ALL appearances and based on my vigilant checking he has maintained NC with this site or similar websites and this OW.

My question is – once the WS has ended the affair how long does one continue plan A? When and how does one ask the WS to assist with later phases of recovery – helping the BS get over the trauma of the A and restoring the marriage?

WS in the early period after discovery was sympathetic about the hurt he caused and was willing to go into MC and willing to be available to me. Now three months down the road he is openly hostile to A-related books. He tells me he is unhappy that I am reading/have read them. He refuses to read them even though I point out the specific portions related to relationship recovery (such as portions of After the Affair by Glass or Torn Asunder). I have encouraged him to come to this site – he refuses. He says he doesn’t want to dwell on the past – only wants to talk about the future. He made the same comment to the MC as she was trying in our first few sessions to help him understand my hurt. So in the last month of MC we have not talked about his actions but rather have focused on communication styles, etc.

He won’t do homework given him by MC. I have to ask for a kiss in order to receive one although he will hold my hand from time to time and will hug me occasionally. He will not spend time with me even though I ask, would rather watch TV or be on computer. He says in a highly frustrated tone that he just doesn’t understand what I want. I wrote him a letter yesterday morning giving him specific example of small behaviors I would like him to do such as turn off TV and computer when I come home from work and sit on sofa with me and talk, or look at pictures together, or just sit together, write me a note, hold my hand, etc. Last night I get home from work and again it is the computer and TV on so I am frustrated at his lack of effort. Turns out he didn’t even read the letter although he tried to hide that fact until I finally asked him directly if he read it.

He says he loves me. He just doesn’t want to put any effort into repair-work.

So – where do I go from here? Am I just expecting too much?

Are you certain about NC?

Oh and in answer to your question, no you cannot do recovery by yourself. It does take both partners.

Faithful,

I am as sure as I can be. There is absolutely nothing that is the slightest bit suspicious on his cellphone (I see the records online), our home phone (OW isn't local), email, internet history logs, cookies, temporary internet files, etc. Nothing suspicious in his financial records - I see current info online for his credit card.

The time we spend apart is generally while I am at work (WH is underemployed contract computer programmer so is home while I work). And DS #1 has been home most of the summer with his dad working on home projects. So yes, I believe there is NC.

So if it takes both partners, where am I?

Hi, eaglesoar.

Stop chasing him down, trying to force feed him affair recovery.

Do withdraw from him, but in a loving manner. Call it love at arms length. Be nice and polite with no anger, but withdrawn from him. Start doing some things that you like to do.

Give him some room to start chasing you.

You move on. When he eventually brings the affair up, you tell him truthfully how his unwillingness to address the harm he did to the marriage has hurt you.

Don't be desperate with him. Do keep monitoring his activities.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble,

Thanks. I can do that.

Last night I get home before WH and kids - My current work hours are until 8PM so he had taken kids out for a bite and to get the last few school supplies. They come in, I greet him cheerfully. He sits down, turns on the TV and the computer and zones out. I go upstairs to get children in bed.

Then I decided to take Gimble's advice. I took a nice long hot bath with bath salts, picked up a good novel, climbed into bed and started reading.

WH must have been curious becuase he came looking for me. He sees I am in bed reading so he also gets ready for bed, climbs in and turns on the TV. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He seems to be puzzled. Every 5 minutes or so he will ask a question or make a comment about school matters for tomorrow for the kids. There is no common theme to the questions or comments - just isolated thoughts. I answer politely, giving my attention to him when he talks. Then I return to my book. He continues to watch TV. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I continue reading until 11:00, then turn out my light, say goodnight, and go to sleep.

This morning as I was leaving for work, he gives me the first kiss in a week that I haven't had to ask for.

Hey, it may not be much but it's a start.

Eagle, also take a look at the guidelines in this 180 degree strategy list. Actually, I think the advice Gimble has given you, is in line with these guidelines. It will help you to withdraw from him in a loving manner; to be nice and polite towards him with no anger and give him some room to start chasing you. But most importantly, it will help you to start focusing on yourself and do things you enjoy. And surely your H will start to notice these things and it will make him curious (it seems it already has <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

In situations like yours where the A is over, withdrawal is over, and things have not changed, the 180 strategy can be very empowering. It doesn't put the BS in the role of "doormat" or "rejectee" the way that begging and pleading, and having relationship talks will do. It saves the spouse from becoming needy or clingy and doesn't create a situation where the WS is getting all their needs filled and the BS gets nothing.

The 180 degree list is only GUIDELINES because not all of the them may apply to your specific situation. The entire point of a 180 strategy is CHANGE e.g. if you are telling them you love them...stop saying it. If you not saying it, start saying it. So it's important to look at this list and apply it to each situation rather than follow it exactly. But this a good starting place and probably most of it will apply.

If something doesn't work for you, try the opposite. This is what the 180 strategy is all about: Guidelines to help you to STOP doing things that aren’t working for you and START doing things that may give you the desired results. Don't change just because it is on "the list". You ONLY change behaviors which give you a negative (or no) response. Don't change the things which currently is working and getting you good results (if there is any).

Hope this will help,
Suzet

Thanks Suzet. That is a great list. I have saved it off to a file and marked the ones that apply.

I should add that what I did last night certainly reduced MY frustration level so it was valuable from that angle if no other.

I just got back from a very difficult MC session. We started out going over how things had been since our last session. WH says he just doesn't know what to do, doesn't know what I want. I explain about wanting affection in the form of time spent with me on a daily basis but instead getting the cold shoulder while WH watches TV and surfs the internet. Then our MC started going over some homework from a prior session where we had each been asked to make 2 lists - one for things we needed our spouse to change and one for things we needed to change in ourselves for our spouses. She asked me to go first on the "I Need" list. I brought up I needed honesty defined as not just answering a direct question with the truth but not deliberately hiding something from me. MC asked WH how he felt about this. WH said this was all about beating up on him, he really couldn't do this right now and he was leaving. As he was preparing to stand and stalk out, I put my hand on his chest and said don't do this. If you walk out I'm done. (Yeah - I know. Stupid, stupid, stupid as the MC later told me.) The MC talked us both down off the edge of the precipice, spending some time with each of us individually and then bringing us together to wrap up. She ended our session with a very powerful prayer for us and for our M that left both WH and I with tears in our eyes due to its power.

MC told me that she specifically asked WH in their separate time if he was still engaged in the A or had renewed his online sex site activity and he said no to both.

For next time, we are to each compromise on our behaviors. WH agreed to spend some time with me each day just to talk and connect. MC asked and what is a good time, how do you want to work it out? WH said BS can come to me and ask can we talk now? I said I would prefer if WH initiated at least half of those discussions because I don't want it to turn out that if I don't specifically ask, it won't happen. WH agreed. For my part, I am to stop pushing and when I feel my internal tension increasing I need to self-calm and wait it out until I can talk calmly. She asked us both "can you do that?" I said "Yes!" WH said "I'll try". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Eaglesoar,

Just wanted to let you know I have read your post and I'm pulling for you. I hope your H will show improvement and not “just try”… In the meantime I think you must proceed with my and Gimble’s advice. Take care of you first on physical, emotional and spiritual level and do things to help improve your own overall well-being… I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((HUGS)))

Suzet

Hi Suzet,

Things actually went well last night. I was apprehensive about going home considering the events of the day. My WH was in a bit of a mood from pulling homework duty with both kids. However, he didn't let that affect his dealings with me. We got them off to bed and WH sat close to me and we talked. We were able to talk about how each of us felt about the MC session. We were able to resolve some of what had been such a sore point in our session. WH now understands better my need to talk every day. He said he really didn't understand until the MC explained it that I was still feeling all this pain from the A just bubbling under the surface that tended to cause me to read more into his actions than was really there. He agreed that he had been withdrawing from my more aggressive pursuit and seeking of recovery. (The 180 advice then was exactly what I needed.)

He volunteered that as he told MC in their individual time yesterday he has not had any additional acivity on that site or similar ones nor has he contacted OW.

In our discussion I made some comment about our M being fragile and he stopped me to say he did not feel fragile at all about his love for me or commitment to our M but he knew I was feeling fragile. I went on to explain that he was right, I was in this state becasue I am having a hard time throwing all my caution to the wind without being absolutely sure of the depth of his commitment.

Anyway, we had a very good discussion which has left me feeling much better.

I will continue to follow your advice and stop running after him yelling RECOVER OR ELSE!!! I plan to spend some self-care time and continue to work on me.

Thanks again for being willing to read my thoughts and to offer such sage and prescient advice.

Hi, eaglesoar.

You did good!

Gimble

Morning all,

Had date night last night - kids on a sleepover with friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Saw March of the Penguins. Wow! Talk about parental dedication! The daddy penguins hold the egg on their feet while the mom penguins waddle back off over the ice for a couple of weeks to reach the sea to feed. By the time the dads get to go eat they will have been without food for four months. The penguin couple stay together and work as a team to raise that one chick for that breeding season (about a year). I wonder what we could learn from Emperor Penguins?

Date night was great!

Yippie!!!! Your posts show progress. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Eaglesoar, you sound much better and I'm so glad about the progress between you and your H! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Especially your H’s willingness to work on the communication and have a better understanding of your feelings is very positive. Keep us updated.

Blessings,
Suzet

WH obviously took MC's advice to heart. Last night we spent time talking about us, talking about boundaries. He recently received a solicitation email from the website he formerly posted on trying to lure him back. He voluntarily told me about it and deleted it immediately. He continues to allow me total access and is okay with me having his passwords, etc. He is justifiably proud of his efforts to live in a trustworthy manner. I told him that his actions speak very loudly to me and I am very happy with what he is doing.

WH said he had listened to the MC and was trying to be less remote and more actively seeking my company. I told him I had noticed the change and it was truly a blessing.

Ya'll, I think the aliens beamed my DH down from the Mothership!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just when I thought things were going so well....

This morning I discovered WH visited the internet site which was the site for his EA last night at around 2:30 AM. He then covered his tracks by deleting internet history.

I thought we had several agreements in place - first that he went to bed when I did (he hasn't been following this one for about a month) and no internet use after midnight (has broken this one before, too.)

Last night he was up until about 3:30. He visited at least one other adult site to download porn. He is not the slightest bit remorseful about the porn site visit but claims that the visit to AdultFriendfInders was just the pop-up that appeared because of the porn site he visited. I tried to make the point that he knew it was wrong - he tried to cover it up by deleting the history. I told him if he wouldn't be proud to visit this site with his DS16 watching he shouldn't do it. He babbled back "Well, I wouldn't want DS16 watching when WE have SF either." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> At that moment I desperately needed Orchid's reverse babble skills but I was so dumbfounded by the stupidity of that statement I was struck speechless.

Here's how I left it: I told WH I am not willing to go through all this again. With all his computer skills he can find some way to prove his honesty and trustworthiness to me but as of now I am tired of being the vigilent one. I will assume he isn't trustworthy until he proves otherwise. The ball is in his court.