Hello, Im reaching out here... can someone guide me where to go!!

Ive been married for almost 5 years to a man Ive known all my life. It is both of our second marriages. I know I married him for the wrong reasons, I wasnt "in love" with him but I did and do love him. He was a safe harbor in a bad time in my life. He had known my children from birth and was even waiting outside the door during one of the births. I was even friends with his ex wife, btw I had nothing to do with their break up.

Anway, Im just not happy and I have told him more than once, tried to get into counseling, encourage him to go to church, talked to his mother (who has told me twice to leave), tried to ignore things, prayer... everything.

Although I dont think he is a bad man - he has lied to me several times over the years about money and porn, he has taken out at least 3 substantial loans for cash that I never saw. He has recently lost his job (of six years) under suspicious circumstances (money was missing from his POE). Ive found out since then that he has lost two previous jobs because of this, I cant find anywhere the money is going, because it hasnt shown up in our bank accounts or anything tangible like that. Im at a loss as to what he is spending the money on. He does not do drugs or drink. He never has any money either.. we are on a budget and he keeps out so much for lunches etc..but I never see anything extra.

He is not the father I thought he once would be, he undercuts any of my son's accomplishments by bragging about how much better he did when he was that age and never encourages him and my son is such a wonderful kid. They are pretty good buddies, though, but when he wants him to mind or respect him, that doesnt happen and he gets mad, and hurts my sons feelings even more. I have talked to him about not being a best friend and dad and he doesnt listen.

With my daughter, he never shows her any affection and constantly complains about everything she does!! Although, in her eyes he is her "Daddy", she doesnt really know what a real daddy should be like and this hurts me for her. He never encourages her either.

Sex is nothing for me anymore, it's a very disappointing experience and yes, Ive tried to tell him this too.

I just dont know what else to do or where to go... my children love their home, their school, and their "daddy" (their natural father's rights were terminated years ago). He is all they know -- he has occasionally mentioned adopting them but never followed through. He never follows through with much of anything unless he knows Im mad.

We just recently spent a week and Mexico together, no kids. I was dreading going down there with just him. I didnt have a very good time, felt very lonely, we didnt speak much and didnt have any kind of intimate relationship. I missed the kids terribly and cant see a life with him after they are gone that isnt total misery.

Any suggestions? I was a single mom for 10 years before I married him, Im not afraid to do it again but I just dont know. I dont want another failed marriage under my belt and dont want to traumatize my kids, but the life we are living isnt good for anyone.

Your husband's life is coming unglued. He has some very serious problems. I think a family intervention is in order. This can be arranged with a family therapist and should include you, supportive members of his family who understand something isn't right, and if the therapists recommends, your children (in a limited way). He has to be brought to understand that he's hurting people, including himself. He isn't just in danger of loosing him marriage. He could also wind up in prison if he's stealing from employers.

The outcome from the intervention should include a requirement for individual evaluation and psychotherapy as well as marital/family therapy. There has to be complete buy-in from all parties included in the intervention and there must be real and severe consequences should he fail to cooperate or abide by the agreements of the intervention.

I should have mentioned, he got another within 10 days, but half the salary. He is working closer to home and is home much more, but the constant complaining about the kids and to them has increased because he is home more. I dont even want to be home. I have gone out for the first time lately with my sister and even went to her house to baby sit her kids because I didnt want to be home.

He is doing more at home and has started running errands for the family on his lunch break, but I think it is just because he knows something is amiss with me.

He shouldn't have to guess that there is something amiss with you. Sounds like a lack of effective communication is the first of your problems. Read up on the concepts on this site.

BTW. Stop caging this in terms of there's something wrong with your husband. There's something wrong with your marriage and you are a part of that marriage. If you are honest, you will identify many things that you are doing to make your marriage unfulfilling.

No, I agree he should not have to guess, but after five years of telling him, Ive stopped. I felt like a constant griper.

I also know that there is "something wrong with my marriage and that I am a part of it and no doubt contributed to it" that is why Im here. When I try to talk to him, he says he has no issues with me and that he doesnt see anything wrong. I have been and I am still trying to be honest, when he has done nothing but tell me lies.

Catherine,
Have you considered hiring an investigator who can look into the missing money - not just the work situation but also the money from the loans? (They can do background checks through the banking systems, etc.) Did you hear through mutual friends about what specifically caused his being fired? Is it possible he put your name on those 3 loans too (he could have forged your name)? Is there a computer in the home and does he spend long hours at it after you've gone to bed? I realize you are getting big red flags waving about his behavior, but it would help if you could identify at least part of it (porn, gambling, drugs, adultery, etc.).

CheckUrHeart suggested an "intervention" type of thing, and that's a good idea. But for this to be most effective, it would help if you could identify WHAT you were dealing with instead of the somewhat vague "something is wrong". There is a reason he is lying; do a little detective work if you can first.

I cant afford and investigator or I would try. He doesnt spend long hours on the computer, only checks his email every few months. Ive done alot of detective work and havent unearthed anything. Early in our relationship he would buy porno magazines and books etc and hide them from me, when I dont have a problem with type of thing in it's place. Also, pay per view porno movies, which showed up on the bill on his days off, but he denied buying.

He is not doing drugs or alcohol, I have suspected gambling but he vehemently denies that it is anything. He cant remember what he did with the monies. My name is not on the loans.

He's been risking everything to get extra cash. What could possibly be worth that risk?

Just a few quick and somewhat wild guesses here (not accusing just trying to see if you failed to consider everything):

Strip clubs?
Prostitutes?
Lottery Tickets?
Sport Betting?
An old betting debt he's being forced to make payments on?
Payments to a blackmailer - Former lover or someone who knows some of his illegal actions that can rat him out or some deep dark secret.

Prescription drug addiction?

Maybe a cash horde...look for a safety deposit key. You usually have to have an account at the bank you buy one so ask if you can see what one looks like at your bank so you have an idea what your looking for.

Look for a receipt or key to a storage center space.

Check his address book and cell/home phone records for any unknown calls. Look up unknown numbers using reverse phone lookup on-line.

Also, you must have already turned the house upside down looking for clues/cash/porn. Do it again and look everywhere.

Consider filing your taxes - Married filing separately. Even money obtained illegally is taxable (that's how they got to Al Capone). You don't want to find yourself liable for taxes for his illegal actions. On same note separate you credit cards. He desperately needs money for something and likely will hit you at some point or another.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering