Your story is so typical. You story is not unique. Your love is most likey just "Romantic Love" that will not stand the test of time. Statistically only a 3% chance. I do not doubt for a second you truly beleive what you are saying. If you earn your way out of this marriage then you are free to "test" that love just as any other single person out there. Unfortunately, you are still married. If he hates the secrecy so much and he's so loving and committed is he encouraging you to do the right thing and expose or is he merely.

If he cares about you, he can stick this out a wait for you to call him when you are finally divorced.

Lost Husband - killer post -

I'm leaving soon - take your first post to General Discussion II board and start a new thread. Just keep posting and thinking. Just about everyone will agree with us here, but maybe you'll find one or two people that have been in your shoes and relate more effectively.

Best wishes - ACT out

Hi Athe,

I'll give my 2 cents on the issue. Secret love always feels good when it's secret and seductive. That's why they say sin is fun for only season until exposure and shame comes.

While it may feel like you have found your soulmate, yet you already have 20-30 reg flags about OM that won't change, if you divorced your current husband, your OM relationship would not excel to any lasting love, you'll have too much guilt after.

My opinion about OM and how he feels about you is this...(Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?) Why labour for the cow, when the cow labors for you? Why pay the price to make the cow comfortable and happy to a commitment when the cow gave all, when you did nothing prior to earn the milk (kind words), cheese(money) and meat(sex). Stolen milk taste good in secret but the puke sets in when once you're caught.

Personnally I would think less of a woman that slept with me while still married still sleeping in the same bed with her husband and I wouldn't trust her later period. I'd say man if she slept with me and broke her vow with her H, no telling what will happen to me, I'd start having flash backs when it came time for me to trust you around my friends.

Here's a wisdom principle, anytime you join yourself to somebody through deceit and lying, they feel like your friend, but really you are standing naked in the presence of your enemy. Once the exposure takes place and the veil is lifted you realise you have been deceieved by somebody who really did not care about your well being, but had selfish motives. Both people stand speechless naked and ashamed in the end.

Haven't you seen the TV show cheaters?

My heart goes out to you but until you let it all hit the fan it's never going to be resolved. It's natural for a man(OM) to feel he won a prize in competition, however you'll be to messed up for him to enjoy it, and he'll just move on and get another free cow where the milk ain't sour.

I agree with a lot of what you said - except that OM's family, friends, etc. all know - just no one on my side. Our "relationship" is out in the open in his town.

So, to him - I am his girlfriend. And that is how he introduces me to people (which is really weird). So, it's pretty tough and humiliating on him too. He wants me to get a divorce very very badly.

athe,

Actually, what you feel about wanting a test drive so to speak, is actually not unusual either. So now it is NOT the "most awful" think I have heard. It is selfish, but so was the whole affair, so is not telling your H.

So please feel free to be honest, you don't realize this but you among people that have seen, heard, done most of the things you have. You are really in a pretty normal affair and your feelings for OM are normal as are your current feelings for your H.

Really there is only thing left to do and that is tell your H about this. He may want to end the marriage, but he may surprise you. Right now you don't really care because of the withdrawal, but the reality is the only chance you have of a good marriage either with your H or someone else is to face your decisions and what you have done.

It is tough, it is painful, and it takes guts. AND you will wonder why ANYONE talked you into it...for awhile but then you will start to see that honesty is/was/will be your only way out of this mess.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

You mention the affair made you come alive. This is why affairs are so counterfeit. While it does feel good, it's so close to the real thing, but affairs hardly ever make it to mature love. This is why they usally fall apart in time.

**********************************

Mature love lets you be you. People in mature love have common interests and are honest with each other. People who share mature love do not see the other person as the solution to their problems. They see the other person as a wonderful gift. They spend time with each other's families and friends. Mature love relationships do not cause people to give up their values. Mature love has no fear or cowardice in the relationship. Mature love carries no guilt or accusations.

Forbidden sex gives an immediate and artificial sense of being " Alive" when in reallity it deadens the heart.

If you would see, there are key ingredients to mature love such as honesty, values, no fear and confidence.

Now if you married OM, could you both stand honestly in church, in front of the " Man of God" when he says, do you now take this "loyalfully" wedded wife? to be your bride?

Screeeeeeeaaaach! Let's stop the show, as the candles begin to flicker out of control and burn out...

Loyalty will carry through the thick and the thin, the ups and downs, the dry times and alive times, famine and plenty. All relationships have them, but loyalty is "The for better or worse". It you don't have loyalty in you, you have no future of any long term relationship.

I'm not saying divorces never happen and are never justified. I'm saying when a person damages there internal loyalty through deceit, it seems these type of people will marry 4-5 times, because they can't be loyal long term. They lost something along the way.

So you just need to do the right thing because as you see, you are on the losing end.

((Athe))

I think just about all of us who have posted to you from both sides (those who've cheated & those who've been cheated) all have shared a couple of common themes:

1. HONESTY.. You are going to have to tell your husband everything and please please please stop justifying your behaviours. You did not have an affair because your husband had problems before you got married or after you got married. You CHOSE to have an affair.......PERIOD...

Though your comment about reservations before your marriage is interesting. These reservations likely led to early resentments and more than likely anger towards your hubby. As much as you may think you tried, your ability to succeed was largely overridden by resentments.

2. Your affair is not unique. We all come here thinking our stories are different and unique. Quite frankly by the 2nd paragraph of your first post I was looking for the affair. My wife, also a Marriage Builder member, read the post and was looking for the affair. You are not unique as a wayward spouse, your hubby isn't unique as a betrayed spouse, your Other Man is not unique as a cheater, and so yes your affair is not unique. That being said neither are these feelings that your Other Man hangs the moon unique. I can line up just about every member of these boards to tell you that they are false and foggy, but not unique.

If you have one single ounce of respect for you husband as a human being, you have an obligation to be honest with him and accept responsibility for the hurt you have caused. Again, the damage is already done, you have already hurt him, your actions did that so exposing things will only lead to healing. Whether that's healing as a couple or as individuals is up to you both.

Athe-

You mentioned that you were honest in counseling before the affair which contradicts your first post:



It seems you are continuing to rewrite history to justify the A.

I'm sorry- I don't mean to be attacking. I'm just giving a little 2 x 4. I so hope you can be honest with yourself and your husband.

Sorry- I'm still trying to learn all of this. The quote was as follows:

By Athe:
We have been to numerous counselors – and they have almost always pinned the blame on my husband – which I cannot stand. It is never just one persons fault. And, the fact is, I haven’t told my husband or my counselors that I have been having an affair for the last 2 years.

Paranoid -
sorry that was confusing. My husband and I went to counselors during the three years prior to the affair. At that point I was completely honest in everything I said and felt. After the affair started, we tried going to see counselors still, but at the point I was just repeating everything that I had said in the old sessions and never mentioned the affair, so in essence, I lied.

LostHusband -
I don't mean to try and "justify" my affair. I agree that I am 100% to blame there and that it was completely and utterly wrong. But that still doesn't change how I feel about the OM. And yes, we have definitely discussed how we would feel if we ever did get married - standing up in front of God and pledging our trust, loyalty and love. He's a Christian - but not really a believer. I am Catholic. So, if I did get divorced and remarried, I would be kicked out of the church.

I honestly don't think that OM is the person that many of my friends and family would see me with - based on family backgrounds and a few other things. But none of that matters to me because I love him. It's been hard not having contact with him - but it's not killing me because I know that he is there, waiting, and I know that he loves me too.

Right now I am trying to decide whether it is too late for me to try and fix my marriage or whether I will be a happier person either with OM or in no relationship whatsoever. Even if husband and I did get a divorce, I would not jump right back into things with OM. He knows that and he understands.

Oh - and I ordered the book "Surviving and Affair" last night.

“””I don't mean to try and "justify" my affair.”””

Please understand, once again, that is not unique. I mean think about it. If you didn’t try to justify it then you’d have to look at it at face value for what it was and is. If you didn’t justify you’d have to admit that you alone chose to do something against your values and your morals. If you didn’t justify it then you’d have to face the reality that you haven’t been giving to your marriage. If you didn’t justify it you’d have to admit that YOU CHOSE TO DESTROY YOUR HUSBAND…. I’m not saying these things to be mean, I’m saying them to say, heck I’d try to justify my actions too…..lol…. But honestly, that doesn’t help me, you, or your husband.

“””But that still doesn't change how I feel about the OM.
But none of that matters to me because I love him.”””

Let me just restate about your feelings what I said in my last post “I can line up just about every member of these boards to tell you that they are false and foggy, but not unique.". One thing that is hard for you to understand while being in the situation is that your feelings are based on secrecy, adrenaline, and dishonesty at some point the secrets out, the adrenaline stops, and you are honest. When that happens believe me, those feelings will be WAY DIFFERENT.


“”” He's a Christian. I am Catholic.”””

You know what, I’m going to choose not to address that at all because I literally would write a book. I will say that in no way do I believe that God is anywhere near your relationship, sadly, that which is borne of evil is typically born of satan.

”””I honestly don't think that OM is the person that many of my friends and family would see me with”””

That’s interesting but be damned what the people that love you think, right.

“””Oh - and I ordered the book "Surviving and Affair" last night.”””

AWESOME….. I do hope you stay around, read it, and share what you think.

athe,

You said something that sort of startled me. You said
So assuming that all of these people KNOW you are married, then that says that all of these people have no problem with the convenants of marriage being broken? In another words you cheating on your H, is not a problem for them?

What do you think that means about your OM's family and your OM's view of fidelity? It means that no matter what YOU think they think that cheating and lying is fine. Which implies that you can expect that OM will in fact do that to you when it suits him and he can do it without fear of critizism from his family and friends.

But, on the other hand no one on your side knows what you are doing. Why is that? Aren't they just as "open minded" as your OM's family? Won't they be proud to know that you have cheated on your H for 40% of your marriage.

And do you think divorcing your H will suddenly make you not a cheater or liar? Do you think that somehow your OM will cease to be an OM when you divorce your H? Do you think his families "approval" of your cheating will be negated?

I am asking you these questions for a reason. In case you are starting to use your brains instead of your hormones, it might become clearer what you have done to yourself, your OM, his family, and lets not forget YOUR side of the family and your H's, and finally good old, stupid ignorant, clueless H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dear God you are heartless if you think he does not deserve to know what has been happening to him. His own W has been slowly poisoning his soul, his marriage, and his life. He deserves to know even if you don't feel he deserves you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Athe I want to ask you something, what type of foundation is infidelity for a marriage?

I have to agree with others that I was looking for your affair by your second paragraph in your first post.

I want to ask you several more questions, what is it in your affair that you feel is unique/special from all the other affairs in the world?


Does the other mans family know that you are married?( you said that he introduced you as a girlfriend so I don't know if he mentioned that you are married.)

Would you like for me to show you posts from the other members themsleves or the things that there ws said saying the exact same things that you just said about your love for the otherman?

ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.. did ya read the info that Dr. Harley put out on 'Affairs' etc. Might want to read up on it - if you haven't already - think about it - and then take a hard honest look at what you have with the OM - and if you want to divorce your abusive husband anyway - I would not blame you, especially if he is obsessed with money and being selfish and is not interested in working to be more considerate of you - is he interested in any way to try to work on your marriage? you two fell in love once or you would not have gotten married. Having a 97 percent chance of divorce should you marry this OM is really odds I would not want to buck against.. Better odds than that are to be found in Las Vegas...
JMHO,
SDLOM

noliving -
yes the other man's family and friends know, and no, they are not thrilled about it. However, they love OM and want to support him because he loves me so much.

Just Learning -
I don't think my affair is unique, although, aside from what I have read on this website I have zero experience with anyone else having an affair. You have to understand that I KNOW it was wrong. I know it was a terrible thing to do to my husband. I hate myself for doing it. But none of that has changed the fact that I do love OM.

I also understand that a relationship built on infidelity is very unhealthy - but I have no idea if I would end up with OM. I do know that I would take it slow. Maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't. But I'm not about to rush into anything again.

“””I must admit that part of me is so very afraid to let my husband know about the affair - for many reasons. (1) The OM is a "friend" of both of ours”””

WOW, what a friend? Sounds like a great guy to me.

“””(2) If I do tell him, he may decide to leave me, and then I will no longer have any say in the matter;”””

That is simply selfish and quite frankly sad. So you’d rather him stay as a direct result of your lies and deceit….WOW…. that’s pretty sweet..

“””(3) If that happened, rather than it being a mutual decision without fault being assigned, it would be very embarrassing”””

What would be embarrassing? That you were actually held accountable for your actions?


Just learning asked some pretty interesting questions and made some interesting points a few posts back, please take a moment to respond to them….

athe,
I have been reading your posts and your replies and although I am not dealing with an affair, I am shocked at your behavior. You are not seeing clearly at all. You are justifying your behavior, LYING to yourself. If a woman had told you this same story 3 years ago you would have been appalled!

Please, tell you husband. You think you are not hurting him, but you are. He deserves to know WHY the M is not working, and why you are leaving if that is what you do. To leave and not to say why is so deceitful. Does it not bother you that he may walk away thinking it is all his fault? How can you live with yourself?

I am sorry if I am too harsh, but I just cannot believe what I am reading. TELL HIM!

Daisy

I guess I don't feel like I'm trying to justify the affair b/c I agree with everyone that it was wrong. I am not in contact with OM right now - at all, as hard as it is. So, I guess if I make the decision to try and fix the marriage, I would like to think that I have a better chance if I don't tell him - then I wouldn't have to hurt him in that way.

On top of that, he has been cheated on in every relationship he has ever had - so even if I do tell him, he is going to think that he is the one doing something wrong.

As I mentioned above, I have purchased the book Surviving An Affair and it should be in during the middle of next week. I am hoping that reading it will help me...

“””As I mentioned above, I have purchased the book Surviving An Affair and it should be in during the middle of next week. I am hoping that reading it will help me...”””

I’m sure it will help you and I can pretty much guarantee, that just like this site, it is going to require for you to be HONEST with your husband. Without honesty there is no recovery only continued lies and deceit.

“””So, I guess if I make the decision to try and fix the marriage, I would like to think that I have a better chance if I don't tell him - then I wouldn't have to hurt him in that way.”””

First off, this is yet another justification for a wrong behavior.

Again, you need to also let him decide if he wishes to save the marriage, an informed decision based on the facts. And I can’t stress enough, YOU’VE ALREADY HURT HIM. YOU’VE DONE THE MOST SELFISH ACT CREATED BY MAN…. TELLING THE TRUTH DOES NOT HURT HIM, YOUR ACTIONS HURT HIM and THEY HAVE ALREADY BEEN DONE. As I said, if you read the concepts of this site, Surviving the Affair, and just about any other book you want to read and go to just about any counselor that you want to go to and all of them are going to say the same thing RECOVERY BEGINS WHEN YOUR HONEST…..

But what I feel you are really saying is that you don’t want to hurt yourself by facing the direct results of choices. If he divorces you you’ll be marked an adulteress WHICH YOU ARE. If he stays, you’ll have to face his pain with him, WHICH YOU SHOULD. I think if you look at this whole situation you’ll find that any result, if you want to make it through with any shred or ounce of dignity, it starts with being honest. Through all the messed up choices you’ve made, it’s the only right choice you can make.

”””On top of that, he has been cheated on in every relationship he has ever had - so even if I do tell him, he is going to think that he is the one doing something wrong.”””

And this is another justification. So you have proven that all the women he’s been with are cheaters, so what? That doesn’t prove anything about him other than maybe he picks poorly. BUT if you are trying to make a go of things, then you can be the different one. The one who stood up and did the right thing……….

OK, I’m going to put my hammer down for the night cause I’m beating this thing to death……

Hi Athe

What LH means by you have already hurt him is this. When a married man feels rejected by a woman enough times, he turns inwardly and goes into a cave. When a man goes into a cave he's alone and angry. After that he is closed up emotionally, he thinks of sex as times of rejection and pain.

What I went through was this. My exww detached from the relationship and at the same time I was in a cave. However in a counseling session, she said she purposed it to make me feel rejected. So what that did to me in which I didn't know during that time was this, women would say nice things to me and I would feel good, but yet felt condemned. I would say what's wrong with me, why is this womans words affecting me like this? I never had this problem before. So I would go and repent, beat myself up, rebuke the devil, etc...

However little did I know, exww planned it all. In that she started having affairs. So there I was thinking I could not communicate, lost sexual desire, arguing, feeling so low and frustrated in my cave not knowing she was at the root of it doing something so inhumane.

So a big part of his closing up is because your words of life to your marriage and your body is given to OM.

Despite all that I was still willing to work it out, but she was not willing to give up OM's.

You're going to have to tell him otherwise, it will eat you up inside like acid, even if you're with OM. It will follow you everywhere you go. Your life will never be right until you confess the thing and help heal the one you injured.

I honestly don't think that my husband would leave me if I told him. And, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me thinks that that makes me lucky for having a man that would stick by me and the other part of me would not have respect for him if he did stay - does that make any sense?

I am afraid that I'm going to tell him, then we're going to work it out, and I'm still not going to be happy - and by then my OM will be gone and I will have missed out on true happiness with the man I am supposed to be with.

I don't want to hurt my husband any more than I already have, but I also want to be happy.