My fiancee and I were supposed to be getting married in November. I found out about 3 weeks ago that he slept with my sister in July. I want to believe that he hasn't and won't do it again. He has been very attentive and sorry. If it were a stranger, I could handle that, but my sister!!!! Any advice right now would be wonderful.

(((hrt1))))

How many more people are you going to need to tell you the exact same thing? Which, by the way, is the same thing you already know is true because you've said so....

As JL said:

1. End the engagement.

2. Seek counseling because living with the people you are living with and with the issue of your fiance's betrayal you need someone to talk to and help you get many things straight in your head.

The only reason why I put this on another forum is because someone else suggested it because of the amount of people visiting General Questions II.
You don't have to get nasty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />I'm on this website because I want to get more than one persons view. . This is a life changing thing and needs to be handled with wisdom and a lot of thought. If I took only one persons point of view and made that my plan, I wouldn't be on this site.

Ooops wrong post......... sorry....

Um, I don't think this was meant for me.

I'm sorry that I came across as nasty... I did however read the other post and you said that you knew what you should do...

OK think for a minute. If your best friend came to you and told you that her fiance slept with her sister, what advice would you give her? You'd tell her to RUN FOR THE HILLS.... It's one thing to betray the one your suppose to love, another to do that with a friend, and yet another level of sickness to do it with your sister... Some things are just best left to die...

Call off the M. (I got to agree with LH on this one...I can't think of one reason for you to stay in this relationship.)

Just read your other thread and totally agree with the advice you've been given there and LostHusband above. You don't have to fully committ to the "Run" thing yet just get out and get some perspective. You got to walk before you run.

Consider this: Marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Is it safe to say with your problems pre-marriage it's 25/75 or 40/60 likelihood of success. Whatever. But you've obviously got a huge problem going in to overcome. 5, 8, 12 years down the road you've got kids and finally it doesn't work out as many marriages do fail. Sometime or another, no matter how hard you try to keep the secret somebody in your family (or perhaps yourself - in your own future bitterness at your then x husband) is going to disclose this little family secret. Your kids will have to deal with this disturbed situation all over again. It becomes part of their legacy. How will they rationalize or adjust to this. Daddy slept with Aunt xxx, what the bleep. Perhaps others will find out and it can be a source of teasing or ridicule. Finally, it may effect their future relationships as all infidelity especially considering his infidelity is one people won't shut up about or ever forget.

Further, I am presuming you can even keep this secret until divorce. You have no control over your family even if you totally cut them out of your life the secret could still get out and disrupt your potential family.

The sister thing is over the top. IMHO, it can't be rationalized, tolerated or reconciled. I see no way of overcoming this issue. If you marry this guy his betrayel is forever a part of your legacy and that of any children you have with him instead of just an old boyfriend that cheated on me story that you will be only happy to tell because you had the strength to not make a huge mistake.

IMHO, you've got no choice. You have got to move on.

So, so, so sorry, Act

Your story on Recovery board seems to presume your sister did this to hurt you. You obviously have a lot of bittnerness towards her which should really be directed at your fiancee. At least most of it. However, if you marry him you will never overcome this. Your family, your history may forever be behind you. Your relationship with your family will forever be scarred.

Ironically, some day you may thank your sister (probably much to her chagrin (sp?)). When you move on, meet another man, a more amazing man with the integrity and ability to keep his thing away from others (and your sister), and find true happiness in another you will acheive your revenge. You may regain some sort of relationship with your family, if you choose to. I don't see how you can ever regain your family nor achieve any closure by sticking with this man.

As I said before it will be your legacy instead of your past.

Just my opinion, ACT OUT

Act,

Very good advice! I hope it is followed

Thank you all so very, very much for your advice. I logged onto this website to get an outsiders point of view. All of you have pretty much said the same thing, so I have my answer from the outsider. I will ABSOLUTELY keep all that you have said in mind over the next few weeks as I make this decision.
Once again, thank you and I wish you ALL well in the future.

Actually ((HRT1)) stick around, please....

Lean on the people who have stood where you're standing right now and gain from their experience, strength, and hope...

Bill,
I just looked at the description you have at the bottom of your responses. It looks like you have remarried and resently. Congratulations!
I guess I just feel like I'm so much in a fog right now that I am wasting everyones time.

Not wasting our time at all.

What you're hearing from me (and perhaps others?) is our interjection of ourselves in your situation.

Dealing with my H's As (yes, more than one) and eventually learning of his SA has been the hardest thing in my LIFE I have had to deal with. M is hard enough, but to add these betrayals into the mix? ugh. I look back at what life was like before we got M, if I had a clue back then, if I could have seen something, anything...and yes, there were warning signs. If I knew then what I know now, would I have M him? Probably not...but kids came along, and I'm willing to work it out...for the kids well-being, and because we have entangled out finances and debts, business and obligations and families. BUT, before we had entangled...especially with children, I would have fled.

Your situation is NOT going to stop right here. The actions of the past few months will reverberate throughout your life and if you get M...throughout your M. Is it possible he will cheat again? I don't see why not... Can you deal with it again?

It is always possible my FWH will cheat again. And I deal with this...do you HAVE to?

I guess I wish I had the luxury of pulling out of my M without too much harm...if we didn't have kids...I would.

Awwwww... Thank you. Yes, I am recently remarried to a wonderful lady who actually posts on these boards. But that's also 4 years after standing in the wake of betrayal in my 1st marriage.


I can definately understand and totally relate to that. And honestly, I must apologize for the harshness or bluntness of my earlier posts. Being 4 years removed from those feelings, I had a lapse in remembering what it felt like. But really, please stick around and let some awesome people help you work through those feelings.

From what you've shared it also sounds like you have some FOO (Family of Origin) issues to work through. You can choose to become heathy in your requirements for a relationship and break the cycle..... What do you think?

I'm sorry that you feel like you have to stay for your kids sake. My Aunt is in the same situation. She hasn't come out and said as much, but I'm pretty sure my Uncle has "friends" and she has stuck it out for 22 years for her kids sake. They are now off at college and she is left with the emptiest life imagined. I see her life and I know I don't want to one day be in her shoes.
I've pretty much made up my mind that I am going to move out for a little while, if for no other reason but to distance myself from him. I just have to find the guts to do it.

That is wonderful for you. I love to hear happy endings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />How did you guys meet?
It's okay, I'm also really sensative right now. If someone LOOKS at me wrong I just want to cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I've definately made the decision to stay away from my family. Over the last 5 years I feel like they have begun to really suck out the life I want for myself. Also, being around their twisted marriages isn't doing me any good either.
I absolutely want to break the cycle of the abusive and unhappy marriages. It has to start somewhere, why not with me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hrt1,

go back and look at Frozen's posts. Her H had an affair before they were married, and she found out just a month or so before their marriage.

Although they are recovering, recovery has been tough for them, as this is supposed to be a newlywed time for them, but instead they are tackling the most painful of times...now 9-10 months into their new marriage.

It's up to you what route you choose to take, but I do believe that it would be best to atleast Post-pone the wedding until you guys have done some healing and you have really taken a look at this.

What's different between you and Froz, is Pat's affair was NOT with her sister. The family dynamics of this is going to make recovery very long and hard, as you will never really be able to seperate your sister and your husband, and it will serve as a constant reminder for you, and always hinder recovery as there will never be true NC from your husband.

I really do think that calling off the wedding is the best idea until you have had time to heal, recover from the shock and decide if you want to start your marriage off like this.

Most of us dealing with infedility here stick with it, not only because of our love for our spouses, but because of YEARS of history, children, maritial vows, etc. Right now, you don't have this, and so it's hard for alot of people to tell you to stick it out, as we KNOW how hard it is to stick it out.

I am not going to say give up on the relationship, I am just saying work through this before you get married, so you can have a great newlywed marriage. Make sure you set up the new relationship with boundaires, good communication, respect....otherwise, if you don't set these up now before you are married, you may find yourself in a miserable marriage where he is having affairs again. Do this all BEFORE you get married...and NO this cannot be done in a 2 month time frame leading up to your wedding date. This takes councelling, time, and alot of sweat and effort (which comes with alot of pain)

Stick around, as there are many people here who can help you work through alot of the feelings you will be having soon, the anger, the resentment...and really think about what these people are saying. recovery is NOT easy, and to do it when you are supposed to be honeymooning...it's better to work it all out BEFORE you marry him.

You should really read some of Frozen's posts to see what her journey has been like.

You don't have to give up a future with this man, but you need to be cautious and know what you are jumping into with an affair having just taken place. Take your time...it will be worth it.

The wedding is definately off. And as for getting married anytime soon, I don't see that happening. I agree with you, if I do decide to marry him, I want it to be with a fresh start. I don't want to go into a marriage still hurting and feeling betrayed.
To be honest, I am not even sure I can forgive him. As for my family, I really feel like it's best I stay away for a while. They haven't been supportive in the past and I don't really need them running me down into the ground our snooping not because they care, but because they just want the dirt.
I am planning on moving out to clear my head and get away from the daily direct contact. I just need to find a place and tell him.

“””How did you guys meet?”””

Ummmmm…… Uhhhhh……. Well actually we met in the Divorced/Divorcing section of this web site.

”””I've definitely made the decision to stay away from my family.”””

That’s cool and I can definitely understand but there is a difference between staying away and choosing a different path. I went and heard a lady speaker last night about her path in over coming her family. She saw the chaos in her home and vowed to go a different way. At the age of 18 the ran out of that house as fast as she could. She did a wonderful job of running away from the problems of the home but never ran towards a solution, rather she just ran. Finally at the age of 32 she realized that she had become the person that she despised, doing the things she swore she’d never do, and getting the same results as her mother, a life of he!!. She then sought professional help and now lives a very happy life.

I could relate a lot to that speaker and I think that all of us can. I grew saying certain things will never happen to me, yet, just like my mom there I was, in pretty much the same situation. It’s easy to identify what we don’t want, but honestly it’s a little harder to define what we do want throwing away what we won’t accept, and taking the steps to get where we want to go.

“””It has to start somewhere, why not with me?”””

EXACTLY…

“””The wedding is definitely off.”””

While, it’s saddening, I don’t think you’ll find anyone who doesn’t think that what’s best. Keep in mind one thing, the average time for “recovery” from an affair is 12-24 months….. So if at some point you come to that ‘fresh start’ point really quick, you may need to ask yourself how you got there.

And here's my bit of advise for the day. Take your time and work on you without any guy in your life for a while. Become heathy and identify what you want and deserve. Let your eyes be clear enough so that you can clearly see what you won't settle for. If you are "emotionally unhealthy", that's exactly what you will attract and continue to live in.