I have posted in the emotional needs section. Now I may be headed for divorce as much as I tried to prevent that and need some suggestions.

My backround story is way below. I am no longer convinced that we will be able to rebuild our M. H and I own a house together. I live there and pay the mortgage. As much as it hurts to think of us divorcing I don't want to be a fool and not think of my financial situation. I am not ready to sell and move out yet. But I heard that any money that I put in now, H will be intiteled to as long as we are married even if he is not living there and has no intentions to continue the M. As much as I want to believe that H would not try to get something that was not his, I understand that legally it is. Moreover, when he first left he told me that he was intitled to my money (he is a student) and did expect me to pay for his rent and basically help him with his finances while we were separated. Although he did get a job and stopped asking me for money last month, that line of thinking is a bit worrysome, especially as summer is over and he is getting back to school and will not work as much. I think he will ask his parents for money before talking to me but I want to be ready. He asked me to co-sign a loan, that was last month, and I had agreed. Now, I will go by the bank tomorrow and basically try to cancle.

How do I go about finding a lawyer? I am also worried that getting a lawyer will erase any chances for us, but I really don't want to end up getting used. I have no idea if I should try to sell the house or not. Would it be better if I sell now?


Thank you. Daisy

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Backround
I am 30, H 28, married June 2003, separated May 2005. H left, no affair (that is what I have been told). H not happy, has not been for some time. From my perspective we had communication problems. I did not always share my feelings completely. At the time, we did have problems that left us feeling distant and resentful of each other. WE did not yell just kept it all in.

H has depression but has made it clear that it is not an issue with us. He started new medication (took a while to get on that) and has been adjusting the dosage starting Dec. 2004, and I have felt him pulling away since then. I don't know if he changed medication because "we" were getting to be too much for him or if changing medication has let to him not being able to handle "us".

I was not very supportive and respectful and the same goes for him during our marriage. We had good times but H felt we did not have "warmth" and the good times where too far in between. I did not think he would leave me and when he did I was very desperate and did exactly the wrong thing by not respecting his decision to leave and just focused on us getting back together and finding some way to each other. I was needed and had hoped we would make it. We went to counseling, and I felt we were resolving issues, but H kept insisting he wanted his freedom and space to do what he wanted, see me or not see me, and did not see MC as working on it, nor does he think of me as his wife. All that hurt a lot, yet I have been able to get some perspective.

Now, I feel as though my eyes have been open and I am ready to really listen and try to work on the marriage because I believe that we could have a good marriage. H still loves me (he says so much) and I love him. But I am also at a place where I see that I can have a future without him. I wanted to start MC again because I wanted to give it all and before I walk away for good I wanted to try everything and know that I did try everything. I made mistakes during these past 3 months of continuously wanting to speak about the relationship and in some sense I blamed him and was selfish myself because I just wanted him back and wanted him to work on it. H kept pushing me away wanted space.

We agreed to MC again 2 weeks ago, but now H says he doesn't want to do it anymore. He doesn't want to give the impression that getting back together is what he wants. "It is friendship that i want and i don't want to give the impression that I want to get back together because that is not where I'm at. It is friendship alone that i want, and the freedom to live our seperate lives."

Hi Daisy,
A couple of things came to me while I was reading your post. First, your story indicates you have been to MC a little bit. You know, it’s not unheard of for one spouse to go alone to a counselor to improve their marriage. Granted, ideally both H & W should go, but don’t quit immediately just because he did. It could be after a few meetings, he might start going again. It’s possible he got a little bit “scared away” during the session. So if you feel good about your counselor, I’d go a few more times, even if it’s alone.

Secondly, about your house situation. The laws differ from state to state. But it is true, that if the house is joint property (in both of your names) then anything you do to improve it (pay extra on mtge, do landscaping, home improvements, etc.) your H will benefit, because it increases the value of his investment (the house). If you do D, then you are basically having to pay (or buy out) his share of the house, the value of which increased due to your own improvements which you paid for.

Since you’ve been married such a short time, your state might have laws that protect “your” money which you had prior to marriage. It would depend on what the money was (investment in your name only, IRA, grandma’s inheritance, etc.) Many lawyers will do a 15 min. consult for free, or reduced rate. Discreetly ask some of your divorced friends for references. But before you go, check out these websites for information. (You can select the state you live in).
Divorce Source ,
Divorce Info
Divorce Net
Reading up on them will help you formulate questions to ask your lawyer (thereby using less time and saving money). And remember, just because you are talking to a lawyer does NOT mean you want a divorce. It means you are being smart by protecting your finances and future.

We have been to MC for 2 months (every other week). Yes, it is not much. H was never committed to it. He felt basically that it was a place where he could tell me what he wanted me to know that I may not want to hear. At one point said that he owed me that much for me to know why he is leaving, and later said he did not see it as working on our M. I know that we have only been apart for a short time, relative to what others have gone through on this side. I had hoped for some rebuilding of our M. But H never felt and still does not feel that M is something to be worked at. He strongly feels that if it is the right R there is no need to work on it. He is convinced that the problems we had were there and are fundamental and can never go away. I don't know myself if they can, but I was willing to give it every last shot. I did that. I put myself out there and made myself available for MC and I go to individual counseling. I will continue IC because I have a lot to learn still, but I will not go to MC by myself. It is too depressing and H will see it just as another indication that I am not listening to him and his wants for this to be over. I am finally listening.

Thanks for the divorce info. I'll have a look at it. I spoke with a friend and she told me to get a good lawyer. I am in a new town and don't really know many people around here to ask if they know of someone, so I guess I have to go to the phone book.
How do I find a good lawyer?

Daisy

Daisy

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am going through a divorce as well. It sounds like you have really turned yourself around and are making a real effort to make it all work. Unfortunately, it takes two people to make it work. To find a GOOD or GREAT lawyer...go to the courthouse and ask one of the clerks that work in filing office who they would recommend. They know the GOOD and GREAT lawyers. But keep in mind that you will proabably get what you pay for...if you go for a lawyer that is cheap he may not be as committed to you because he has to have more clients working than a lawyer that has a few clients at one time...and can focus more of his efforts on your cause. I am in Kansas City Missouri...my lawyer is Nick Cutrera...very expensive as divorce lawyers go...but has got me everything I've asked for so far. I wish you luck...I know how you are feeling...I have been working on my marriage for over 10 years and she has constantly been unhappy and threatened to leave. I finally left after I found out about another man...shich she still denies...but I found the text messages on her phone before she had deleted them.

Mike

Daisy,

It sounds like my situation to some degree. We have been together for 15 years and married for 12 years. We have a son who will turn 3 next week. My husband left beginning of May as well. Like your H, it does not appear that my H is with anyone. H just says he does not EVER want to live like before.

I have been paying for the mortgage myself as well, and for the exact same reason as yours, I feel that I need to take some legal actions to protect myself and my son. But I do not really want to. I was posting on the General Questions II board, but it appears now I belong to here...

I have used free consultation services and met 8-9 different lawyers. I have identified the one I like, but he is the best and most expensive one. I am hoping H and I can work on our D ammicably so that we do not have to incur unnecessary legal expense. Having said that, I do not deny that I still have this hope that we can reconcile...

Thank you for the replies.

I am more ready now to face the divorce. Where I live the law is that we must be separated for 1 year before we can get divorced, unless there is prove of infidelity or abuse. So, we cannot get divorced for another 8 months. But I do want to look into it and see if perhaps a legal separation would protect my finances better for the upcoming 8 months. I really don't have any idea.

I understand that hope to reconcile. When he left I was 100% hopeful and 0% accepting divorce. Now, after 4 months of rejection and H never changing speech of his wanting freedom and friendship I am at 15% hopeful and 85% accepting divorce. I don't think I will hit 100% accepting divorce, maybe only years down the line. I still have hope only based on the promises we made to each other years ago, not based on anything H says now.

Daisy

If you cannot divorce for the next 8 months, you should get a legal separation to protect yourself. Do you have kids?

I am going to look into the legal separation and the benefits of that. I can no longer stand by and pay house bills and then it will all get devided "equally" later. H is a student and can barely pay for his own bills, so he does not give me anything. Actually I was helping him. My parents thought I was a fool and I am starting to see why they thought that.

No, we have no children. I guess that is a good thing. I wanted to have children with him, but that was actually one of the things that he felt pressured about(I wanted children in the next 5 years) and did now find me supportive. Now as I re-read his love letters to me (I am giving them all back to him) he spoke of wanting children with me, and what a good mother I would make, and blah blah.

I am scared I'll turn into a bitter person. I believed all of H promisses of love and support through good and bad, but now that some bad times came he was out the door. Will I ever trust another man when I hear this? H was my first love, first serious relationhship, before him it was just a few dates here and there. Now I have been seriously "dumped" and I worry I will turn into a bitter person that will never believe in love again.

Daisy