Hi, this is my first time posting – but I’m just not sure where else to turn right now. I have been married for over 5 years. At least 4 of which have lacked much of what I consider to be crucial elements of a marriage. I got married when I was 21 years old, just finishing up with undergrad and my husband had just graduated. We were the first of our friends to get married. We both come from the same types of family – parents still together, fairly well-off, very loving and supportive of the two of us as individuals and as a couple.

However, I just am not in love with my husband any more. I don’t know when it happened, or if I was really ever “in love” to begin with. I think that he feels the same way about me. I have just finished my masters degree and am now almost 27 years old. In the last 8 years since we have been together, I have changed a great deal – emotionally and intellectually.

My husband is not a bad person – but there are certain qualities that I simply do not want to live with for the next 60 years of my life. To name a few, he is obsessed with money. I have heard that money is the number one cause of divorce, and had always thought that sounded silly. Well, I was wrong. We fight about money on a daily basis. I have approximately $90K in education loans and my husband has just started his second degree as well – so no, we do not have a lot of money (although he is taking out loans right now, his are being paid off by an outside fund). But, to argue on a daily basis about every penny spent – well I just can’t do it any more. I am not a big spender, but when I need to buy toilet paper or soap – I am going to do it and I don’t feel like I should have to ask permission. I have cut out everything that I love in life, as far as money is concerned, but some things are necessary. Especially when he spends money on his “toys.”

Anyway, along with the money issues – which go much deeper than what I have been able to articulate here – we are just completely opposites. I am a very social person, he is not. I behave when I’m out socially, but have a lot of fun – he embarrasses both of us when and if I can get him to actually come out. I am not the type of person that needs a lot of romance – but I get none, even when I try and give.

We have nothing to talk about, are bored when around each other, and there is a great awkwardness surrounding us. It has been almost 2 years since we have had sex. The thought of being intimate with him now makes me ill. I think that we both have a tendency to be abusive – him emotionally (and physically once) and me verbally. We don’t make each other laugh or enjoy each other’s company any more.

But in general I think that we are both very nice people. I care deeply about him as a friend and want him to have a wonderful, fulfilling life. I just don’t want to argue any more. I want to feel again. I want to be happy. And I just don't believe that is possible with him. Don't get me wrong, I could stay with him. But we would both be living our lives without passion, without love, without excitement or true companionship - we would simply be going through the motions.

We have been to numerous counselors – and they have almost always pinned the blame on my husband – which I cannot stand. It is never just one persons fault. And, the fact is, I haven’t told my husband or my counselors that I have been having an affair for the last 2 years.

I love this other man with all of my heart and soul. He satisfies me in ways that make me feel alive - and I would be very happy spending the rest of my life with him. But, I have wanted a chance to be happy for a long time before I met OM. I had talked to my husband about a divorce for a long time before I ever met OM. Part of me wants to tell my husband about it – but I know that is just the selfish part of me talking because either way, I think I need to be out of this marriage. Whether or not, if the marriage ends, I end up with OM, well, only time will tell – however, the secrecy, double lives, lying and guilt – neither of us can handle that part any more.

I just don’t know if I can go through with it though. I am scared for many reasons – security, finances, the stigma attached to going through a divorce, the fact that almost none of our friends or family know that we are having problems at all because we always fake it.

I know that my husband feels the same way I do – but he is scared. He will go through stages of yelling and screaming at me – he often holds things in and then explodes – and tell me he wants a divorce. We both agree that we want to be happy, that neither of us is happy or has been for years, and that we have no idea how to fix it. We really have tried to do all of the counseling, faking being nice to each other, talking about everything, etc. It just doesn’t work for us. We are very different people. He is completely afraid to be alone. And, I am too. But, I guess I can’t justify staying together out of fear of being alone, or fear about what our families would say.

But, I’m not 100% sure. My OM wants no contact with me until or unless I get divorced, which I think is completely fair and will be better for both of us. We are moving to different cities anyway, and it will give me more of a chance to clear my head and figure things out without having him in the mix – b/c when it comes right down to it, this is between my husband and me.

I am scared even writing all of this out and would appreciate any advice or help any of you can give me.

I started this thread on divorce/divorcing - but someone suggested that I post it here too, anyyway, there are a few more details on my situation there. Thank you again for any help.

"And, the fact is, I haven’t told my husband or my counselors that I have been having an affair for the last 2 years."

Sheesh, I knew this was coming, but had to get down to the 7th paragraph to find it. Maybe you should change counselors, because I figured it out right away.

You don't have children, right? I suggest you tell your husband that you are having an affair. Since you care about him, and want him to have a nice life, please give him the gift of honesty.

Then you can get a divorce, and be with the OM, and live happily ever after. But oops, I see a problem - if you have been having an affair for the last 2 years, why does the OM suddenly insist on divorce papers? Being with someone else's wife hasn't bothered him up until now.

And there is one other problem. The chances of a relationship born from an affair lasting are less than 1 to 3%. The selfishness and deception that began the affair is the thing that ends it too.

he's been insisting from the start - it's just that our circumstances wouldn't have allowed it until now. it's hard to explain without giving away to much personal info.

Okay, so now we know that the OM has no honor. If he did, he would have "insisted" that you get the divorce before you began things with him.

The fact is that most marriages start out with 2 folks madly "in love" (read hormones/chemicals), and go downhill from there. Many times couples only stay married because of their commitment. It takes a tremendous amount of work to be married. But after several years together, a more real love kicks in.

Unfortunately, you are taking the easy way out. If you end up with the OM, I predict you will be getting your second divorce in another 5 years.

Believer,

The reason that she is here is

"We are moving to different cities anyway"

Her OM cut her off. She is laying the groundwork to recapture him and hedging her bets by keeping her BH as a backup plan.

I wrote two seperate replies and erased them both trying to not let my anger get the best of me.

There are so many "falsehoods" in her story, it made me want to scream. The first one is the title to this post "Confused". There is nothing "confused" about the post. It is a well planned and articulated sham.

The pity is, she believes every one of her self deceptions

athe, the fact of your affair outweighs everything you wrote about your marriage.

If you don't read anything else in my post to you, read the last two paragraphs.

Now. You can't trust your impressions, because they're totally, totally polluted by emotional confusion created by your affair. You seem like a fairly intellectual person. I'll bet logic is not lost on you the way it is on some. So I'll tell you a couple more things I think you may understand.

You probably haven't heard this for the last time, but one thing is almost certain. It's practically a law of the universe. Your relationship with OM is doomed. Sorry, but it's true.

You sound like you're looking for permission to divorce your husband and go with OM. You won't get it from me or anyone else here.

But every marriage is not worth saving. That's true. But pretty much every affair, yours for sure, is a dead end.

The suffering you create for others is like a conductor. You can hurt them, leave them, turn your back on them. But unless you're a sociopath, that wire will connect you to the people you hurt forever. Little currents will run down its length and jolt you every time you think you're going to find happiness. You will always be diminished, and always be handicapped, by the lifelong current of suffering that will reflect down that wire to your soul.

And the suffering created by infidelity is of a class by itself. It's deep, and profound, and try as you might, that wire will be uncuttable.

GC

cymanca -
i appreciate your brutal honesty, but you are wrong in that this is not the reason that i am here. i am the one moving, but it is temporary. it was ultimately my decision to have no contact until i get my life together. he has agreed to wait (obviously not forever) while i do this. I could very easily move to his city if I decided to, and that would make him very happy. What I meant was that it would now be easier to not have contact with OM, which would be a better environment to fix my marriage, if that is what I decide to do.

i am here because i want advice from people who are or have gone through similar situations, that is all.