Three days ago, I had a nice life. A loving wife to come home to, two dogs that we loved like they were our kids. My wife is due March 29th with our child, our first. We have been together four years, Sep. 18th is our one year anniversary.

Now its just me and one of the dogs......My wife left me. I am a drug addict, to marijuana and xanax. I had been told that if it happens one more time, it was over. I messed up again, and my wife moved to her mothers house. I know its not an excuse, but I just used the drugs as an escape. One of my biggest fears is not being a good father. I never met my real dad and dont get along with my stepdad. Im absolutely horrified that I wont be able to be a good dad, and it drove me over the edge. Not an excuse, a reason.

So, heres where it stands now. Shes going to live with her mom a few months, then says she wants to move out on her own. At this point of time, she will be like 6 or 7 months pregnant, and I dont want her to live by herself. She says it will be at least a year before we can live together again, that it will take that long of me being clean and working on some other things before we can be together again. During this time, Ill still see her and everything, once or twice a week. Neither one of us will date other people, and we both want to keep our wedding bands on.

I love her more than anything. Today, the day after she moved out, I scheduled a substance abuse apppointment. I also turned in about 15 job applications, because I want to get a second job and start saving up for our baby. Our child is not even born, and I love him or her so much already. And I love my wife with all of my heart- I dont know why I keep hurting her. I want her back with me now, not in a year. Its hard not having her on the other side of the bed when I wake up- it breaks my heart.

Can anyone give me any advice at all? You can post here or catch me on AIM, my screen name is XxxZch. Thanks in advance for any help anyone can give.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Men that are dependent on drugs are seldom good fathers, or good husbands, for that matter.

I think you know what to do. Get into a program and get clean. Don't tell her what you are going to do. Show her actions.

What are the "other things" that you need to work on?

I am the ex-wife of a recovering alcoholic/addict. I'm going to send a little tough love your way! It will be some of the best advice you'll never want to hear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I believe you love your wife with all of your heart and that you don't know why you keep hurting her. You keep hurting her because you are an addict! Your primary relationship is with your xanax and marijuana. Your drugs come first in your life. Period.

When my ex was using I remember thinking that I could never "compete" with his drugs and alcohol. They always won. They were his "comforter", his "lover", his "problem solver", "stress reliever", his "mistress" etc. I had no chance to compete with the instant "relief" they brought to him.

Not only do drugs alter your feelings, they also allow you an escape from dealing with life on life's terms. So, there's a double pay-off in using. Until you get this "mistress" under control....you don't deserve to have your wife with you. I'm sure that you would agree that your wife and future child deserve the best. You can't give it to them right now in spite of your good intentions. If you could, it would have happened after the last warning your wife gave you about stopping.

As noted previously, you need to get walking your talk. Just like the former WSs on this site who have to start rebuilding trust again after an affair. Saying and meaning all the "right things" doesn't cut it anymore. Your behaviors will be the proof your wife needs. Your words have come to mean nothing. They can't be trusted no matter how well intentioned you are.

You mentioned not wanting to wait a year for her to return....missing her on the other side of the bed when you wake up. I don't know your exact circumstances, but when my ex was using, I spent many, many nights with him out who knows where, waking up by myself...alone in our bed. So, it's your turn to make the sacrifices now, to experience the loneliness...emptiness. Your wife has another person to give priority to now. It's not you. It's the innocent child she's carrying...your child.

I think that your wife has done you the biggest favor by setting her limits firmly now. She's giving you another chance to get it together. She's holding out the possibility that you can be a family again someday. She's willing to "wait" IF you can show her a change in your behavior over time. She could have just walked out and never looked back.

I don't know if you've been in treatment before. I'm glad to hear that you scheduled a substance abuse appointment. You have a disease. You are not a bad person. You are an addicted person. You will never win..gain control...over your drugs of choice. They will always win. Nothing can compete with the rapid shifts they make in your brain chemistry.

"Recovery" isn't just about stopping drinking or drugging. It's about learning how to cope with the stresses and concerns you have mentioned. That's where things like 12 Step programs come in. The Steps help give you guidelines for dealing with life on life's terms...for learning how to handle stress without using. That's true "Recovery", not just sobriety.

Get yourself in treatment. Stay in treatment. Do as you're told. Don't go after the "short-cuts". They'll often lead you down a longer path. Seek support from other recovering people. Give your wife time to heal and to see your changes. Don't put additional stress on her and the baby right now by insisting on having things your way. It might work short-term, but it will bite you in the butt in the long run.

You love your wife and future child. You want to be a good husband and father. Recovery must be your priority over all else right now. If you don't get to that point, you will not be able to be that good husband and father. You will end up "abandoning" your child for your drugs.

Yes, you're scared and in pain. You didn't have a father around to role model good parenting behavior. Use this time while your wife is away to learn how to cope with life in a healthy way. Fear and pain will always be a part of our lives. Learn to deal with it now, before your child comes along. It will be a wonderful legacy that you can pass on to your child!

You can do this! You have a wife and child waiting for you. "Walk your Talk" back into their lives.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I agree with everything you say.
The other things I need to work on are just little things that add up to be a detriment to our relationship. I dont feel like I pay enough attention to her, and alot of times we put spending time with each other on the back burner to do what has to be done.
I am going to do my best to show her that I can and will change, thats all I can do. Hopefully, the hollow feeling will go away in time- I feel like a shell, just an empty shell.

Zach, you've started on the road to recovery. Congratulations. Stick with it. Your wife MUST know that the father of her children is going to be stable and sober. You've damaged her trust in you and trust is a BIG issue with women -- even bigger with mothers, for obvious reasons. It's going to take a lot of work, honesty, and time for you to convince your wife you have heard her and are making real positive changes. You have to EARN her trust; don't expected for it to be given. Be patient with her. There is a lot of good advice to be found in this site.

Best wishes for your success and your marriage.

Cool..... So in the mean time, have you sought out an NA meeting? If not, get off your butt and do so. I can pretty much guarantee that if you walk into a meeting there is going to be someone there who has stood exactly where you are standing right now. Someone willing to lend you their experience, strength, and hope. Someone to help you help yourself kick your addiction.

Get to a meeting and when that one is over go to another. Pledge to yourself not to use between meeting and then don't. Some larger cities have meeting every hour, some a couple of time a day, some a couple of times a week. Get there..... If there isn't any NA in your area seek out and go to the Brother program of AA. Surround yourself in recovery. Without recovery you have no wife, no kids, no chance. With recovery you have choices.

Zach,
I too am the ex-wife of an addict - what has already been said is so true.

you have the power within you to turn this around. Run, don't walk to those meetings. Actions will mean everything now.

love

Thanks you guys very much. I have to really do it this time. I ve been thinking, and it seems like really stressful events drive me to the drugs.....I have to learn how to deal with things, without just escaping them.
Ill look into the NA meetings, also.

The hardest part is her saying we cant talk or see each other every day.....I understand her reasoning, that we need time so we can both make improvements to ourselves, but it doesnt make it any better. It doesnt seem like its getting any easier, just harder and harder.

Zach, the disease of addiction is an emotional disease. Until you choose to do something different your natural emotional reaction will be to reach for drugs.

You can judge your use by the days. At 1st you may only use on a sad day, to seek comfort. Then you may use on a mad day, to seek control. Ohhh and next it's on the happy day, to hold the happiness. Then soon that simply turns to everyday, just to try to feel normal. There is no longer that high you felt when you began using, now it's a struggling search for normalcy.... Dude, it's a one-way street to all of the living hells that life has to offer.

You can't get clean for your wife or your baby or anyone else. You have to be sick and tired of the total insanity of your life. If you don't believe your life is insane, we can talk about that. You have to want it for you.

If you would like to discuss this further please e-mail me billyandtara05@yahoo.com there is only so much I'll go into on the forum....

Yup, zach you're figuring it out. We can run from our problems, but they always catch up with a vengence.

BTW, who prescribed Xanax for you? Are you being treated for axiety or depression? If so, was the prug prescribed by a psychiatrist or a primary care physician?

Im trying my best to figure it out....Getting very worried about the financial end now of things now, the day to day realities are setting in.
No one prescribed the Xanax, I bought it off the street. My mom's a nurse, and she thinks I need to be treated for depression, Ill ask about that at the addiction specialist appointment on Monday.
Every day feels like a month, its so lonely, and I have nothing to do.
I dont want to be home, but I dont want to leave my dog alone, she is already confused enough with half her family just gone. When will it start to get easier to make it through each day?

“””Im trying my best to figure it out....”””

That’s cool, but remember one thing YOUR BEST THINKING HAS LED YOU TO THIS POINT and how’s that working for you?

“””Getting very worried about the financial end now of things now”””

And your mind is going to keep bouncing around from thing to thing to worry about. Heck that’s one reason you use, to not have to keep thinking about your dog, your wife, your finances, your whatever…. But let’s look at this logically, is buying more pot or xanax going to help your finances? No! Is that going to help your dog? No! Is it going to help your unborn child? No! Is it going to help bring your wife back? No! Quite the opposite, it’s going to hurt all those things. All those things you are worried about will be hurt by the next pill you pop or bowl you blow.

“””Ill ask about that at the addiction specialist appointment on Monday.”””

OK, well that’s what your are doing Monday, what are you doing today? Did you find those NA meetings?

”””I dont want to be home, but I dont want to leave my dog alone”””

GET OUT OF YOURSELF…. An addict alone is in bad company. Isolation, especially through justification, is very normal behavior but you have to stop that. That is a sick behavior.

“””When will it start to get easier to make it through each day?”””

When you choose to make it better….

I'm with Bill on this. Don't let too many things creep into your mind right now and don't play "what if" at this point. If you overload, you'll reflexively turn to drugs right now. You don't have healthy coping mechanisms in place. You're going need professional help to get you on track. Tell family and friends of your plan now and start building a support network. As someone else suggested, get yourself to a Narc-anon meeting at your first opportunity.

Meeting at 8pm tonight, Im going. Another one at 7:30 tomorrow, and Im going. I cant take just sitting here alone all the time, its getting to me, making me have bad thoughts.

Depending on what time zone you are in, you have like 8 hours. DO NOT USE... Have you used today? If so, DO NOT USE ANYMORE.....

Have you been to NA before? Have you been to treatment before?

losthusband,
I havent used since Monday, the day she left.
I was in inpatient rehab when I was like 18, went to a few meetings while I was there. Wasnt ready at that point to quit. And when I had my last relapse in April, I started to go to rehab, but it was just one appointment every two weeks, and I didnt think I needed the meetings, though they were recommended. Now I know that I need all the help I can get. I feel like Im finally ready to be done with it, once and for all. Not just for a few months, but forever. I just hate the fact that this is what it took for me to come to this realization.
Ill be so happy when I start my new job this upcoming week, so I have something to do.

“””I haven’t used since Monday, the day she left. “””

Awesome…

”””I didnt think I needed the meetings, though they were recommended. Now I know that I need all the help I can get.”””

Meeting makers make it. Make it a habit, I’d recommend 90 meeting in 90 days. For those keeping score at home, that 1 a day for 90 days. But even then you ain’t out of the woods, just getting on the path. I know a lot of people with good clean time (over 20 years) that still go to 3 or more meeting a week. Why, because it keeps them clean. Heck, having you walking into that room will keep someone clean. It’s the reassurance and reminder that the disease is still out there, it still sucks, and it still ruins lives.

I’m assuming that you also didn’t get a sponsor and begin working the steps. It’s a life changer, but it begins when you do the work.

“””I just hate the fact that this is what it took for me to come to this realization.”””

We all have our bottoms, some bounce from bottom to bottom until they find the ultimate one, some just go SPLAT…. But the point is that you are where you are at. Yes, it’s sad. I could tell you a thousand sad tales that all have a happy ending. And that ending is recovery, may you choose to find it now.

Honesty man, there is absolutely only one thing you can do right now that will make it even remotely possible to reconsile with your wife and/or be the father that this child deserves and that is get and stay clean.....

I really appreciate all of the kind words. The worst part right now is the loneliness, its like total and complete. I emailed you also.

I feel you brother and this too shall pass, but not without action on your part. As an addict your comfort zone is being alone in times of trial, you have to break through that zone. Go to that meeting. SHARE.. TALK... If people are going out to coffee afterwards, go with them.

Make a plan to do something different tomorrow, do not sit in your house on your pity pot. Go to the mall and just walk around with sober eyes looking at the people. Take your dog to the park for a walk. DO SOMETHING. Then go back tomorrow to a meeting.

Then Sunday, find something else to do. Visit your mom. Go to a movie by yourself. Pick up a book while your at the mall and begin reading it. Go to Church. And then go to a meeting.

And another good thing to do when you're stuck in yourself, as you are now, is to grab a sheet of paper and write out a gratitude list. Rather than focusing on how life sucks, write down everything that you are grateful for.

So what's the situation with your wife? Have y'all talked since Monday? How is that going? One thing you might consider is finding out when the group has open meetings and if y'all are talking, invite her to attend with you....