Zack, if you can obstain for four days with the turmoil you are going through, you are going to have no trouble beating the monkey. You'll learn the little triggers and the tricks your mind plays one you to give yuorself permission to use. Once you've done that you can defeat them quite easily. Forunately for you, maijuana and Xanax (a bit more for the Zanax) aren't really addictive drugs like heroin, but they can had a rather strong "psychological addiction." These are rather easy to overcome in the determined. You sound determined.

I have never, not once in my life, been more determined to do something than I am to fix myself. I do realize that it is about me first, that I cant do it for her, for my baby...noone but myself.
I have talked to her since Monday, I saw her at work today while she was on her break. It was the best half hour Ive had all week, even though I broke into tears as soon as I left.
This has been the worst day so far...I hope they start getting better soon.
In all honesty, I surprised myself by not using this week. I didnt think I had it in me.
My biggest regret is that this is what it has come to, and it will cost me a year of my life, that I could have spent loving my wife the way she deserves. Life is too short as it is.
I am so worried about her moving out by herself.....I just dont think she should be alone when she's 7,8,9 months along. She is still saying a year clean before we can begin to live together again, Im aiming for around Christmas time.
Lots of work to be done on my part.....

I went to my first NA meeting tonight....And for the first time since Monday, Ive felt something other than pain and despair....I was around people who have the same problem as me, and have made it better. It was 100% wonderful to hear the people say 13 years cleans, 8 years clean, and so on.
They pointed out that Im not a worthless person, but suffer from a disease. If I had cancer, I would seek treatment, why not for addiction?
I am pumped, I really enjoyed this meeting. Im going to another tomorrow evening, and eventually Id like to move on to become a speaker myself.
Im proud of myself for going, this is something I DID, by myself, not forced into, not made to go. So I feel as though it is the first step towards the rest of better life.

If you had the ability to love your wife the way she deserves, you would have done it. So your "cost" for the next year will actually be an "investment" in yourself..your wife..your child. The only thing you're losing is the crap that is running your life right now. You will be gaining a chance at a more loving, fulfilling life. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way right now. The drugs have given you that sense of fulfillment for so long.

The loneliness, when we are separated from our spouses, can seem like some of the worst ever. You have done well to not pick up. You have done well to go to meetings. I know some people that go to multiple meetings a day early in their recovery. My ex was still going to about 3 meetings per week when he had 8 years of Recovery in. That's what it took for him to stay clean and sober. I remember hearing him talk to some of his "sponsees". They would talk about how hard it was to get to a meeting...how rough life was...etc. He'd remind them that they always found a way to get to their dope dealer...to the corner Party Store. They needed to put that kind of dedication into their Recovery!

Is your new job in a field in which you've worked before? Getting into some kind of routine will probably be helpful in getting through the day. You'll be able to focus on other things....other people. Carry your wife and child in your heart as you go throughout your day.

Its just a pizza delivery job, nothing real impressive. However, it is a 40+ hour per week job, so it will help fill my time.
Looking forward to it.
I have another meeting tonight, in about an hour. I got a lot out of it last night, Im hoping it continues. I actually felt some hope that things can get better, I hope that feeling continues to increase.

Hi Zach...

I read your thread earlier, and have been rooting for you. I am SO glad to see you went to your first meeting.


It is a great first step. Just be sure you keep taking those steps, one at a time.

Hang in there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kathi

The First Step! Literally! Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs---that our lives had become unmanageable." Good going Zach! That's what AA/NA is all about. Taking steps to learn a healthier way to be in the world.

Good for you for getting a 40 hour/week job! Jobs aren't all that easy to come by right now. It may be "just delivering pizza", but it gives you the chance to stay busy, make an income, and not isolate. Each one is a part of a good foundation for Recovery. I've known many recovering addicts/alcoholics who had to start from the ground up when they first got into Recovery. They may have been executives, teachers, etc. Their disease took that from them. Sure, it's no fun to be working at a low paying job...especially when you've had better. But as one recovering addict told me "I need to have a job. It gives me an income and helps me stay off the streets. I just have to keep my ego out of the way. My ego will trip me up, telling me this work is beneath me. No legitimate work is beneath me. I'm more than my job. And if starting from the ground up, humbling myself, is what it takes to stay clean and sober that's what I'll do."

Keep moving forward. One step at a time!

(((Zach))) I was sitting around yesterday in deep thought and literally had a ton of things on my mind. When I have things on my mind, I like to write. Anyway, yesterday I was thinking of my journey, I was thinking of a loved ones journey, and I was thinking of the journey of people like you. I was also thinking of the 12 Steps as well as a physical step. Well I put the pen to the paper and this is what came out.

A Step in Time
by LostHusband 8/28/05
Time, easy to understand yet hard to grasp once it passes by.
Chasing what was can be a chase that lasts until you die.

A lifetime can be gone in a second, with no second chance to be had.
A second can change your life with a decision either good or bad.

When it’s time to take that step some do so with no delay at all.
But look at that step as a step, will I land safely or will I fall?

One moment standing firmly, assured and comforted in my place.
Life happens, change destines, and I must hurry along to enter the race.

Quickly, up with vigor and spunk, vision cleared from a different view.
What was isn’t, so what will be is based solely on what I choose to do.

As I reach the top, not there, not here but somewhere in between.
I want where I’m going yet there’s uneasy comfort in what’s already seen.

Not ascending or descending, last chance. Will I be in or will I be out?
I got here with hope but now faith must carry me through with no doubt.

Unknown rests before me but I can’t rest until it finally becomes known.
For without a purpose the step is wasted if the step was simply to roam.

I reach and learn where I’m going, taking warning from wrong steps of old.
Solidly landing safely I await, awaiting the next step with confidence untold.

Yet next time I rise up, this journey I’ll have to start all over again.
Was it wasted? No. For the next step, steps off from where I have been.

No more are my fearful rocky steps taken hastily chasing yesterday.
For one second I chose to leave the rocks and let that time fly away.

So back to time standing in a second for a second chance, what to do?
Choose wisely, I did, that step led me here standing next to you.

That really made me think, Bill.
Today was a hard day- first day at the new job, it tears me up to come home to this empty house...No meetings to attend tonight either. I wont use, have no intention of it, but it still hurts.
I dont think I can make it a year without her sleeping beside me.

“””No meetings to attend tonight either. I wont use, have no intention of it, but it still hurts.”””

I understand and you need to ensure that you find some other things to occupy your time when there isn’t a meeting or there isn’t anything else going. Obviously one thing is reading. If you have an extra 10 bucks, pick up the NA Basic text book and start reading it there are also short personal stories in it that are really cool. There’s also a daily meditation book called Just for Today or some variation of that. That’s really good to read and journal on. Journaling is also an amazing tool. When I find myself getting stuck in myself I write. Ohhhhhhhh there is an awesome short book out there by a guy named OG MANDINO called THE WORLDS GREATEST MIRACLE, you can probably pick it up at almost any book store and it has a 100 day assignment in it. That would occupy your time for a while and it’s a book that is at treatment center around the U.S.

“””I don’t think I can make it a year without her sleeping beside me.”””

You have to take a different approach on this here and look at it similar to your recovery. No you can’t make it a year, but I bet you can make it today. And eventually you’ll put together a string of days that you can make and look back and it’s been a month. Dude, your wife is going to do what she’s going to do and there ain’t a dang thing you can do about it. BUT what you can do is take care of you, let her see you, and then seeing you in a different light, she may do something a littler different than she planned.

"She may do something a little different than she planned."

Thats my hope- I want to be living together again by the time our baby is born, at the absolute latest. I dont want to miss out on anything. Time will tell, I guess.

My wife has been having pretty bad nauseau all through the pregnancy. She called the doctor, and they gave her a new medicine, but wanted her to come in for a checkup. I asked about the possibility of twins, and the doctor said that would explain the bad nauseau, and that my wife's uterus feels large......We will find out on the 12th of this month, the doctor said that if the uterus still feels large, she will do an ultrasound.
My wife said that if she is pregnant with twins, then we will have to speed up the reconciliation- which gives me hope that I can speed it up, regardless of how many children there are. A little bit of hope helps me out.
Dont know what to think of possible twins........Wow, just....wow.