My WS & I went to bed, she rolled over and went to sleep; she didn’t give me a kiss or say good night.

I got up to go watch TV, when I started leaving she asked what I was doing and I said GOOD NIGHT, with a tone. I started watching TV and found nothing on so I thought I would write some of my friends at MB. She came in the room asked me what I was doing; I told her I was trying to help myself. She said “I saw you close a computer window, what did you close?”

I said that “I was doing some research and she replied what on, I told her my feelings. She said you want me to be open and honest with you, when you aren’t telling me what’s going on.”

I told her that I love her and don’t what to hurt her.

She said “either tell me or tell me your not going to tell me?”

I told her “OK, I love you but I hurt!” I started crying and I do mean crying!

She said “what do you mean?”

I told her “this has turned out to be harder on me than I thought.”

She replied “It’s all my fault, everything is my fault because of what I did, I’m very sorry that I did it and how bad this has hurt you. Everything comes down to what a bad person I am. You know this all pushes me farther away.”

I said “I’m sorry and didn’t want to hurt you, I love you and if I didn’t I wouldn’t hurt so bad, think about that I love you so much and that’s why it hurts so bad, otherwise I didn’t care.”

At that point she seemed very emotional herself and said I need to get some sleep, I tried to hold her but she said not now. She still seemed upset this morning.

WHAT DO I DO?

I now created a bigger mess and anything I do could make it worse. Do I just ignore what happened or try to make her feel better?

How in the name of spicy pork pie have you caused a problem ?

Your WW saw how hurt you are. She was RIGHT its all her fault. Your bad or not expressing without LBing how you felt previously but now its out, don't recant it.

Its not your job to make her feel better. She is responsible for her own feelings.

She feels bad because she hurt you and your tears reminded her of it. "Good" I say.

YOU DID NOT HURT HER ! Your WWs shame hurt her , to he rcredit.

Maybe now she can start to face what she needs to do.

Stop being afraid of conflict. Just handle it less chaotically.

I had a bad LB with Squid in Plan A. I felt it was a dreadful mistake at the time, but it taught Squid how I really felt in context of my Plan A.

You are NOT responsible for you wife feeling bad over the pain her affair has caused you !!!!!


Her statement 'you know all this pushes me farther away' is absolutely indefensible. sh eis trying to manipulate you into stifling your feelings so she doesnt have to confront what she did.

You should tell her whenever you need to, in measured "I feel" words how you feel NOT withold it Its lovebusting thats the problem, not communication of feelings.

All blessings

HLR, I agree with Bob 100%. You did nothing wrong and there is not ANY reason to feel bad. Heck, you are just human and entitled to feel hurt over her betrayal - it's a very traumatic experience! Actually I think if was a good thing that you have exposed your feelings to your W and have let her known how much she has hurt you. Your W must know how you feel. You don’t have to do something to make her feel better. As Bob has said, its not your job; she is responsible for her own feelings & you are not responsible for you wife feeling bad over the pain her affair has caused you. She needs to face what she has done. She needs to begin taking responsibility and help you heal... It’s okay to express your feelings without LBing HLR. And you have done exactly that. Good job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Part of recovery and protecting your marriage from future infidelities is that, as painful as it is at the moment, your WS MUST see the depths of the pain that her CHOICES have caused. SHE is not a "bad person," she made "bad choices" and now you are both working through some of the consequences of those choices. SHE is who you love and who you married, flaws and all, good and bad choices all, so that you can grow and learn and love together.

EXPECT a certain "chill" in recovery from time to time when tough issues are opened up and addressed. But it's not much different than trying to get a sick body back to health. TRUTH, not avoidance is needed. Sometimes we have to go from "feeling" okay even though we know there is a cancer inside, to allowing the pain and "not okay feeling" of surgery to remove a dangerous, but hidden and potentially fatal cancer, so that we can stitch up the wounds, bear a little temporary pain, and HEAL. The old wound will scar over, and will be a "reminder" of what "bad choices" can cause, but they won't "be a functional hindrance" and may even be a "badge of honor" of having confronted a life-threatening (marriage threatening) problem and overcame it by going THROUGH the problem and directly confronting it instead of ignoring it and "hoping" it would just go away.

Congratulations! You've done great!

God bless.

Thanks b0b pure* & Suzet*,

I haven’t cried like that in front of her since D-Day! I was afraid that I might have pushed her deeper into withdrawal.

Withdrawl is NOTHING to do with you AT ALL. It is cold turkey while your W experiences the loss of the sensations provided by the fantasy of her affair and the cold reality of what she has done dawns on her increasingly fogless self.

All you can do is be honest, avoid lovebusters and love her, if you can.

Its a horrible time for you and her. Be persistently supportive and honest rather than making unsustainable gestures.

Its a grim time, any FWS will tell you that.
My own Squid crashed violently a month into withdrawal.

You have to be strong for her. You need to prepare her a landing strip in the jungle.

All blessings.

b0b pure*

Could you explain Squids crash?

HLR - you did nothing wrong.

I think you WW still wants to somehow find something else to blame and doesn't like to be the sole blame...all FWW's go through that at some point until it hits them - it is ALL their fault.

You actually told her how you feel, without details, without throwing her A in her face...you did GREAT! You WW should know how you are feeling, and if you can communicate that without throwing things in her face, but so she knows the hurt you are feeling, then that is the way to do it.

She probably just doens't like to be reminded that it is her fault. Just like all of us FWW's didn't like. But it's important to let your wife know that yes you do love her, but yes you are hurting...

You did good HLR. You didn't wreck anything.

HRL romatic,

if i could offer you my 2 cents worth. i am new to posting here but i saw yours and felt like i needed to speak up.

Your wife is really really good at turnabout. your upset, you express that to her, and suddenly it is all about HER! sorry, come again? how did that happen.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I think it is kind of natural for a WS to try to run away from the consequences of their actions. I mean no one wants to confront their mistakes right. It threatens your self esteem and ego. my h tried to do much the same thing.

but i dont think you can let her do that. i think she has to understand every single nuance of the pain she has caused you otherwise i dont think you will be able to move on within the marriage.

so next time, be strong and tell her exactly how you are feeling and dont let it be turned about. I know that can be hard to do. i am kind of afraid of confrontation as well. I have to force myself to share my more controversial feelings with h, but i dont think you can rebuild your marriage without doing it.

best of luck to you.

Carolyn

I agree with Bob.

Bottom line...your W needs to do everything possible to fix the damge she has caused. If this requires her to stand on the busiest intersection in your town with a loudspeaker and confess to everyone that drives by...then so be it.

HL
crashing - Reality spirals in as withdrawal progresses and WW Realises OM is a liar and a roue. Her friends won't respect her anymore. SHE won't respect her anymore. Ratchets up her defensiveness and rationalising a notch to compensate for the encroaching realisation that she did a VERY bad and hurtful thng and she has no right to absolutely ANYTHING from anybody now.

It can scare WS a lot, and make them act lovingly, or aggressively, or sadly or all three on any given day, like Squid.

Not all FWS crash, but some do and Squid did.

Thanks Everyone,

I can’t tell you how much it has meant to me to her from all of you! I think all of you know how much I love my Wife and how much this has hurt. I went to sleep thinking I pushed her further away and all of you gave me hope!

Thank you,

HLR,
Oooohh, I got so ticked off when I read your post. You FWW needs to get her head in this mess and realize she has alot to learn about the process you AND she will need to go through to get into recovery. Are you in counseling? I would HIGHLY recoommend Steve Harley. He has sooo helped my husband understand and own HIS decision to have an affair, secondly, he (husband) had to come to the place of somewhat understanding the pain he has caused and then the next step, she will have to come up with a plan for herself (with SH's help) to make sure she is not going to let herself get into this situation again.
SHE needs to get on board. You cannot do this by yourself. You do not need to be unkind or purposely mean, but by all means do not be afraid to let her see your true feelings.
She is making this all about her.....and I am sure she is hurting, but by a SELF-INFLICTED wound.
YOU are in need of immediate attention, then you guys can start working on the relationship. You hang in there and vent here whenver you need too.....in fact I logged on to vent myself, but after reading your post I think I just did!!

HLR,

Well you did do something wrong, very wrong. You were not honest with your W. You don't want to hurt her, you want to protect her. Let me ask you how many times have you heard a WS use those very words to justify lying to their spouse? Too many to count.

If you are bothered by something, if you need to talk, if your feelings are overwhelming you, she needs to know. It does NOT have to be a bout of "look what you did", it needs to be about what YOU feel and how you need her help.

If you want tell her about this site. She did turn it into all about her to defend herself, but you don't have to accept that, what you DO have to do is be honest with her.

If you want if from her, you have to give it to her, AND you have to show her how to be honest without LB's. You are the role model for this, so get to it.

Your only mistake was not telling her how you really felt.

God Bless,

JL

NO!

First day she said maybe we need MC, after that she not only stated we don't she gets very angry at me for suggesting it. She has told me they are going to make her out to be a bad person. She doesn’t even want me to go to MC, heck she would be very mad if she knew I was writing all of you!

She knows I visit Dr. Harley’s site but she doesn’t know much about the message board, with such wonderful people and if she did, I don’t know how she would react. I have told her where I keep MB articles and have told her about the site, hopping she would go there but so far she hasn’t. I check everyday and she knows I want her to read some, but she won’t.

First off I’m extremely honest with her, almost to a fault. I have told her about this site, I just haven’t told her I have been posting here!

I don’t lie, I don’t hide the truth, I have been trying to get her here because I think some of you can help her too. The problem is she believes everyone is going to label her and judge her. That’s why no MC, But I still have told her how I feel and move on. She has told me if anything I tell her too much. But than she asks…so I get confused.

IF I SOUND MAD, I AM, to compare how I’m handling my feelings to her A is very disturbing to me!

It is never a mistake to show the WS how much you hurt from what they did, and what you are feeling. I was also very upset when your W turned it back on her. She still does not get it. You push HER away with your pain??? OMG that has to be the most selfsih thing I have heard. What does she think she did to you???

I agree with JL, you should always be open and honest about your feelings. I know some men think this makes them weak, but to me it shows strength.

I get the bad/evil person line all the time from my H( although it is usually in the context of me asking "How could you do this"). You know what I tell him, I tell him( and I suppose this could be a love buster), "Yes, honey, you were a bad person for a couple of months, but I have known you seventeen years and you are not an inhertantly evil/bad person. You are loving and caring and generous, and I can see why the OW fell so deeply for you so quickly. You are working to become an even better person, and I appreciate that". Never be afraid to tell her good and bad things.

If she cannot handle you being honest with her, why would you want to be with her? I do not mean to say this to be nasty...but I just cannot imagine being in a relationship where my spouse cannot accept that he has hurt me to the very core, and is willing to take whatever I dish out when I am in so much pain. Do I love bust? Sometimes...but he realizes that I am worth more than his own love bank...and that my love bank is now so much lower than his ever could be...I would not want a spouse who could not see that and turned everything back on themselves. I do not know enough of your sitch to know if this is always the case...so if it is not...then just ignore that part.


I wish you the best,

True

I wonder if you could tell her we wouldn't think she is a bad person. That she isn't alone. That there are alot of us FWW's on here who have felt very similarly to her, and that we aren't viewed as evil people, so she wouldn't be either. That us FWW's would most certainly sympathize with her more than come own on her (although we can be rather direct on what needs to happen hehe)

My H wouldn't see a councellor either. But that didn't stop me. YOU should call SH ON YOUR OWN HLR and get some advice on how to proceed, to help you deal with your feelings, to help you process things. Just because she wont go - doesn't mean you don't have to. Maybe eventually she will be ready to go.

Hang in there HLR.

Thanks truetoself,

I might steal part of that line.

Thanks Dorry,

I have tried, I talk about it…Send her emails with articles and links. She has told me that it’s better that if I have something to say than say it. But she still won’t dig into any of this and use her excuses of having too much work, too little time and that everyone would hurt her. I have told her that many of the article are taken from the WS’s point of view.

At some point I have been hopping her own curiosity would get the better of her and she would check it out.