I was posting on the General Questions II board (very long, but if you can read it to help understand my situation, I really appreciate it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />), but now may be reaching a point where I just have to file for divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I do not want to, but H started saying he wants a divorce about 9 months ago and has moved out four months ago, and has absolutely no interest in staying married to me. We have talked about finances and how to split our assets, etc., but no paperwork has actually been done.

I am not sure if H is with anyone. When he moved out, he did not have anyone. He was just done with me. He has blamed me for his unhappiness and sadness and emptiness he felt for years. He was diagnosed with SA (sex addiciton) last year and that is making our issues more complicated, I think.

This being in a limbo is really killing me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am unconsciously pretending that somehow things may go back to where they were, just b/c we are not officially divorced yet. But I know I am just fooling myself.

My therapists have told me not to do anything unless I am emotionally ready for it. But how can I ever get ready??? Does that mean I can never file for divorce? Again, I do not want to, but I don't have any options. Yet I am not emotionally ready.

I wish I could be angry - then at least it would make it easier for me to file...

How did people make the first move? Was everyone very convinced that you were doing the right thing? I am very nervous thinking about this and feel sick in my stomach. Please advise...

Hi Milkshake-
Have read your posts and corresponded with you on the
GQII board. I've jumped over here too, because I guess
my situation is also hopeless.

Four years ago H had a little "thing" going with a girl
he met on the internet, followed by a 5 month EA with
an older, recently widowed women, then another brief
"thing" with another woman. Through it all, I tried
everything I could possibly think of- from begging,
pleading, crying and trying to bargain, to finally
finding MB and trying Plan A. I moved out for about
a month. During that time, the relationship with
the older women was ending, and H became more attentive
to me, eventually asking "could we get back together?"
He pledged to work on the M, did counseling for awhile,
and for a couple of years, things seemed better.

H has been diagnosed previously with depression and
OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) but my counselor
feels he has several issues- the addictive type
behaviors, possible SA, some real problems with
communication and intimacy, etc. I don't know how
much of our current problems are related to those
things, or if he just plain doesn't love me and
doesn't want to be with me.

Gradually, though, things began to happen again.
H spend time on the computer and questionable web sites,
sometimes had excuses for being late, etc. that didn't
seem believable, and starting at the beginning of this
year, didn't want any thing to do with me for SF.
Through the past few months, I've begun to wonder if
husband is SA. In my reading and researching on it,
H seemed to fit the profile, although he denies it.

I began to check H's credit card and cell phone bills
for the past couple of months and found that he had
been making numerous calls to the same number. I called
the number and found it was a woman. I talked to her
and she said my H had told her he was "single, had
no kids, had his own successful business, and was
wealthy", so she was really surprised to hear that he
was married, has two kids, has a start up business,
and is NOT wealthy. She had only talked to him on
the phone a few times, but said she wanted nothing
to do with him since he had lied. (Did she not
realize this is very common with internet site ???)
I hoped that would put an end to this behavior of
his, but the next month there were bunches of calls
to another number, also a woman. Although I
thought of it, I did not call this woman because
I realized H would probably just move on to the
next person, and there could be no end to it !

The more I thought about it, talked to my counselor,
and read information, I realized H must be addicted.
I doubt it is so much that he really cares about the
person (because he doesn't even really know them)
but must be more of him being able to make himself
sound great, and get attention, and then move on
to someone else in the same way, without needing to
be honest, "burst the bubble" with reality, or
work at a real relationship.
I believe H may have also hooked up a few times
with an escort service. This really convinced me
of the SA, because it seems to be one of the
"escalating" behaviors described. This certainly
ended my desire for H to have SF with me, but
I still love him, and hoped that he could change.

I feel like I have tried everything, been very patient,
very loving, supportive, and put up with really
unacceptable behaviors, but wasn't sure what I wanted
to do because the thought of being without H was
awful. I still remember him as he was when we first
were together, and we had fun times, seemed close,
he did nice little things for me, we wanted the same
things, and made so many special memories.

In the past couple of months, H has repeatedly lied
about his whereabouts, disappears for various lengths
of time, is extremely protective of his phone, started
going to the gym daily and tanning, didn't always
wear his ring, and would sometimes refuse to do
anything with me, so I knew something was wrong, just
didn't know what. I'm still not sure if he has
gone from an internet "flirtation" to an actual
affair, is anticipating doing that, or just likes
to "play the field" with all his internet "friends".

H wasn't interested in counseling, didn't want to
work on things, and began to tell me he didn't want
to be married, but he wasn't doing anything about it
so I thought there still might be hope, like maybe
he wasn't sure he didn't want to be with me.
A few weeks ago, though, he bought a packet of
separation/divorce paperwork. Every day I wondered
if he had filed and if I'd get served with the
paperwork, but nothing happened. That too, made
me feel like there still might be hope.

Last week, H seemed more angry, more agitated, and
really "pushing my buttons" with behaviors that
seemed unstable and bizarre. He brought the paperwork
packet home and demanded that I sign it or he would
have me "served". He went away for the weekend
(wouldn't say where) and I found out after wards
that he had flown out of state and went to Las Vegas.
(possibly by himself, but don't know for sure).

Since coming back, he was even more hostile- and
very confrontational about the paperwork. It seems
very strange to me that he is in such a hurry all
of a sudden, when he's had it for almost a month
and done nothing. Made me almost think that he
must have a girlfriend who wants proof that he's
seperated or getting divorced, or why be in such
a rush ? He still denies that this has anything
to do with another person, but I think he seems
totally in the FOG, out of reality, and miserable,
so don't understand him making such a drastic move.

I asked H to do a legal seperation instead, as that
is a mandatory 6month wait, and I thought this would
give us a little more time, but he refuses to do this
saying he just wants to "get it over with".

I talked to a lawyer and found out there is nothing I
can do to keep this from happening. If H files the
paperwork without my signature, it will be served on
me at work, which I didn't really want to happen.
The other choice was to sign the paperwork, and then
H would file it, starting the 90 day mandatory wait
period here. (Signing the paperwork just means you
acknowledge it, and not that you agree ).

Monday, my H announced he'd be going out of town
for a couple days, and that I HAD to sign the
paperwork or he was going to have me served with it.
He was very hostile, loud, cussing, and really looked
like he was "out of his mind". He kept saying he
was trying to be "reasonable", and that I was the
one being difficult, trying to stall, being very
unreasonable, even though I kept my cool through
all the talks and tried to just talk quietly and
calmly. Because he was going out of town, he wanted
me to sign it and then take it downtown to file even.
This I refused, as I felt like that was really
asking too much- I didn't want to do the "dirty
work" since this isn't what I wanted. Maybe he
wanted me to do it so he could feel like I "agreed"
or he just wanted to make me "the bad guy" ???
I did finally agree that I would sign the paperwork
and have it notarized and give it back to him when
he returns from his trip. (tomorrow)

I guess a little bit of me hopes H will still change
his mind, decide he's making a terrible mistake,
and either not file the paperwork or halt it if
he already has.
The downside to that is that his problems,addictions,
etc will still be there, and he would have lots of hard work to do to be able to have a real, honest, healthy relationship.
Another part of me knows I've spent many years dealing
with all this mess and have given more than 100 pct
effort and feels maybe it can't be saved. I am tired
of putting so much more into the relationship than
I've ever gotten out, having to snoop, wondering if
he's lying, wondering if he's with someone else, and
all the rest of the things that have kept me on a
roller coaster.

People keeping telling me that I'll feel better
and feel a relief being without him, and maybe they
are right, but that seems like a long time off
and there is so much to do to get to that point.
I guess I've tied my identify up in being "his
wife", and taking care of everything- the house,
laundry, errands, dog, bills, cooking and trying
to always please him (I also work full time).
He has been my priority and my main companion
and recreational partner.
Thinking about being without him makes me feel
lonely and empty and nothing sounds fun.
I feel like I'll be losing my spouse, best friend,
chance of having any kids, my lifestyle, my
house, my car, and even thought about the fact
that I'll no longer have a stepdaughter or in-laws.

I don't feel like I would ever want to be with anyone
else again, either, as I just don't have anything left
to give.

I would think that everyone involved in a divorce
would have mixed feelings, even if they are the
initiator. I don't know any way to really feel
100 percent, absolutely convinced it is the right
thing to do, but that you can only try to think
clearly about the pros and cons, what is best for
you and your son, and try to find peace knowing
you did everything you could do, tried your best,
etc. Seems even though we try, we cannot fight
addictions and other emotional/mental issues.
I am doing a lot of talking to friends, reading,
and praying and do have support of family and
friends, but it's still a very personal thing.

I will keep posting here, and will keep you posted-
please do too.
Anne