Can someone please explain false recovery? I feel like my WH and I have a much better marriage right now, but my gut feeling is that he has just figured out what he has to do to fool me.

There should be no contact, and an NC letter sent. His life must be an open book. You need access to phones, computer pass-words, ect. He needs to account for his time away from you, and you can verify that he is where he says he will be.

He needs to answer all of your affair related questions, figure out the "message" of the affair, let you know his plan for not letting it happen again, agree to go to counseling.

He needs to help you rebuild your trust by being truthful and trustworthy. He should not expect any trust at all right now.

He could ask you what other help you need to recover.

It's been a year since the affair was exposed, so I think it is a little late for the NC letter. At the time of exposure, he said he would tell me if he heard from her or contacted her himself. The OW husband did contact him several times though with unpleasant comments (they were best friends), and he didn't always tell me when that happened, which is one reason I can't say for sure I believe him when he said he would tell me.

He has answered the questions I've asked, but many have been vague. He says he can't remember some things which I think are crucial to putting the puzzle pieces together. It lasted 15 years, so I have no doubt that some things have been forgotten, but surely one would remember the first time they had sex. Neither of them will fess up. I still have lots of other questions that have been building up as I think of them. There just never seems to be the "right" time to ask. I don't want to go away for our anniversary next week and talk about the affair, but we just don't get enough time alone. Meeting the 15 hour a week alone time hasn't happened yet. I'm lucky to get 15 minutes some days, which is really frustrating. I feel like everyone else is more important than us some days, but how can you not help your kids with homework?

I had lots of contact with OW H for quite a while, just so we could both make sure stories were jiving and also to lean on each other a bit. We were in the identical boat after all. Except for the fact that his W and he weren't married when the affair started. My H and I had been married 5 years. My original story was posted last week under GQ (another broken heart), but I got no feedback from that so I am asking specific questions now. That will explain our MC as well. I haven't talked to OW H for quite a while, but I am still in contact with his sister. She knows what happened, but her brother isn't giving anyone any updates, which I understand he doesn't need to do. His entire family was taken advantage of by OW at various times to use car or watch kids, so they aren't too happy with her for involving them either. She also ruined the relationship my H and I had with OW Husband's sister/brother-in-law, which was in existance long before the two of them came into the picture. OW felt they would catch on to what was happening if they were included in outings, so she lied about their availability and came up with various other excuses as to why they shouldn't come with us. Is it OK to contact OW H or should I have NC with him as well?

I'm just worried that since it took 15 years to figure it out the first time, what's to say that it isn't happening again. H attitude and affection have definitely taken a turn for the positive, but...he's pretty slick.

Also, can I go to a different therapist/counselor for IC rather than use the one we use for MC (which you can tell I'm not thrilled with)?

One more question. My H has never asked for forgiveness, nor has he told me it will never happen again. Is that common with WS or should I be worried (like I'm not already)?

Q: Is it OK to contact OW H or should I have NC with him as well?
A: You should contact OW's H to expose the A, then stay away except when you need to verify the A has ended.

Q: Can I go to a different therapist/counselor for IC rather than use the one we use for MC?
A: Absolutely. Find someone you like. IMHO, having the same IC and the same MC is too muc.

Q: He has never asked for forgiveness, nor has he told me it will never happen again. Is that common with WS or should I be worried (like I'm not already)?
A: It is common when the A is first exposed. It sounds like he isn't very remorseful about the A. Are you sure the A is over?

Jimmy Mac,
I'd feel better if it was OK to contact her H and see if he has any suspicions. I can find no evidence of the A still going on, but he could be doing it all through work. He periodically gives me a calendar outlining where he will be but sometimes he is gone for longer than he should be. I'm sure I am paranoid, but I think I have reason to be. Many years ago when he first started at his current job, someone mailed a poem to him that flat out said he was messing around with one of his office managers and that he'd been having affairs all of his life. He showed it to me and said he though it was from one of the bitter employees he was now in charge of that wasn't happy about the previous boss being fired. When the A was exposed, I asked if the poem was true and he again denied having any involvement with the woman in the poem. He is good friends with her husband as well.

He seemed quite remorseful in the beginning and said he was very sorry for what he had done to me. But again, he never asked for forgiveness. I'm sure it is typical that WS want to sweep the events under the rug and not talk about them. I'd rather not put the OW in front of him again by bringing it up, but I'm sure much of my inability to move on is connected to the fact that I don't know what I need to know. He only answers direct questions and will not elaborate on anything. I thought it would be best if he just started at the beginning and told me the whole story, allowing me to ask questions as we went. It just didn't work that way.

So, here we are a year later, with our 20th anniversary in 5 days, and I just don't feel like I'm where I should be. He seems happy where we are. Perhaps I am just impatient.

Stumbling