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Comments on my exposure draft, anyone?

Dear Friends, Family, Colleagues, and Neighbors,

I am sending the same message to most all of you.

This is a divorce announcement. The grounds in California are Insanity or Irreconcilable Differences, I believe. I have taken this step because WH is and has been, for at least 8 years, insanely emotionally attached to a former ________, OW, to the point that there is no more affection in our marriage. You may already know about this relationship and have not felt inclined to remark on its odd appearance because it was “none of your business.” You may have thought “Bellevue will put up with anything.” Or, your jaw may be dropping as you read this.

I did know. I didn’t like it. I tried to tolerate it. I tried to fight it. I was clear to WH that I had filed for divorce because he was so enmeshed with OW. Now it’s time for me to move on.

If you approve of extra marital opposite sex best friends, you might buy WH housewarming gifts for his new apartment. (He’s shopping at IKEA.) If you disapprove, I wish you would speak your thoughts to him, urge him to cut off all contact with his “addictive substance,” and set out to seriously repair his marriage and family. If you just “don’t want to get involved,” you have no obligation to do or say anything.

I wish all of you well.

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Exposing an affair is something you do in an attempt to save your marriage. You're divorcing so this letter is nothing more than vindictive. You are sending mixed signals in asking others to pressure your husband to give up is affair and work on repairing his marriage AFTER you have filed for divorce.

Not only that, unless you have unequivical proof of the affair, this letter puts you at grave risk for a charge of slander. You'd better talk to your lawyer before mailing this thing to anyone.

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{{{{Belle}}}}
I think this is one of those letters you should write for yourself, then not send. At least put it away for awhile and think on it. if you then really feel you should send it, try and make it a little more matter of fact with fewer inflamitory words.. ie.. "insanely, B will put up with anything."

I can only imagine how crazy making your situation is. I was in a similar one for a year or two and had such a hard time getting myself back. What do you want the letter to accomplish? Ending the affair or as a prelude to a divorce?
Look at what your goals are and if this will help or hurt. I know how hard it is to look at things objectively when you are in such pain.

Work on detachment and support from friends and family to get yourself stonger and in a better spot to see your way out of this mess.

Lora


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CheckUrHeart, and Lora,

Thank you for posting. Check, I value your opinion and your bluntness. I am thinking, and considering, my motivation. I would of course show it to my attorney but since there is nothing false in what I wrote, I don't think I'm in a vulnerable or actionable position. About proof? cell phone bills showing phone calls back and forth averaging 2 hours a day. OW presence at office functions rather than his wife. emails - maybe they could be subpoenaed, I don't know.


Lora, I would still reconcile and burn the divorce papers IF WH would end the "friendship" AND agree to work on our marriage. A spark of hope still burns in my heart. WH made a phone call to our son's godmother and asked her to try to change my mind. He focussed on our son's welfare, not on "us" or "Bellevue" or his pain on our marriage's demise. Godmother told him "The only way Belle would reconsider, I think, is if you agreed to work on the marriage." His response was an instant refusal, like a brick wall.

WH has offered, after he wrote the check to hold the apartment, to "stop talking to the OW family". He said it with anger and resentment, and without mentioning OW specifically. Just "the OW family." Hair-splitting? Never satisfied? Maybe I am. And willing to look at that.

His plea was "to not hurt Son". "I can't hurt [son]". I asked where I factored in, and answer was "you have all the power, you can stop the D." Nothing about "I love you" in any way, shape or form. He erased me from our marriage, clear?

What I'm kvetching about is that I am not a factor in any of his pleas, that other than "I care about you" (which you could say to the supermarket checker) he deals with me as the gateway to our son and nothing more.

Check, please comment in your clear and direct style.

Lora, I can still wait. The letter hasn't been sent. If I don't send it, it has been therapeutic to write. Emotionally charged? Moi? [snort:P)

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Try for some editing. I'm not good at taking out all blaming sentences inmy own writing, but I tried here.:

Dear Friends, Family, Colleagues, and Neighbors,

I am sending the same message to most all of you.

It is with great sorrow that I am considering divorce. The grounds in California are Irreconcilable Differences, I believe. I have taken this step because WH is and has been, for at least 8 years, emotionally detached to the point that I feel there is no more affection in our marriage.
I believe that he is emotionally attached to OW. You may already know about this relationship and have not felt inclined to remark on its odd appearance because it was “none of your business.” You may have thought “Bellevue will put up with anything.” Or, your jaw may be dropping as you read this.

I did know. I didn’t like it. I tried to tolerate it. I tried to fight for my marriage. I believe it is clear to WH that I filed for divorce because he was so enmeshed with OW. Now it’s time for me to move on.

I prayed for a positive resolution to this situation and ask for your prayers for my family.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Bellvue, I'm blunt and very direct. There is no possible way in our language to be more direct or clear than I was in my post. I certainly didn't mean for it to be offensive.

"I would still reconcile and burn the divorce papers IF WH would end the "friendship" AND agree to work on our marriage."

Amen, sister! This was the one and only thing my XW had to do in order to save our marriage. Everything else would have been a joint effort. In addition, this was the one and only demand I ever made of her as her husband. Rather than do it, she filed for a divorce because, according to her, for me to demand she give up her lover forever, was unreasonable, controlling and abusive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> WSs never think straight do they?

I like Newly's revision. Still one mixed signal though. I'd change this:

...he was so enmeshed with OW. Now it's for me to move on.

to this:

...he is so enmeshed with OW, he will not do what he must to save our marriage. If he cannot find it in himself to honor his vows to me, I will be left with no choice but to move on.

I'd also include that sentence of yours I quoted above. See the difference? One sends a clear message that you are still very willing to remain married to him and do whatever it takes, but you've chosen an alternative course of action and are ready to pull the trigger on it. It puts the ball in his court, and now he has an audience, most of whom aren't going to be very sympathetic to his point of view.

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Bellvue, I'm blunt and very direct. There is no possible way in our language to be more direct or clear than I was in my post. I certainly didn't mean for it to be offensive.

I am not offended by directness or bluntness. Sometimes I can't figure out subtleties. Besides, I posted hoping for honesty and criticism.

"I would still reconcile and burn the divorce papers IF WH would end the "friendship" AND agree to work on our marriage."

Nice one. Thanks.

Amen, sister! This was the one and only thing my XW had to do in order to save our marriage. Everything else would have been a joint effort. In addition, this was the one and only demand I ever made of her as her husband. Rather than do it, she filed for a divorce because, according to her, for me to demand she give up her lover forever, was unreasonable, controlling and abusive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> WSs never think straight do they?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> In counterpoint, what my H said to me for the past 8 + years was "This is the only thing I refused to do for you, it's the only time I've ever told you no." Well, duh! Give up your lover/bestfriend and be married.


I like Newly's revision. Still one mixed signal though. I'd change this:

...he was so enmeshed with OW. Now it's for me to move on.

to this:

...he is so enmeshed with OW, he will not do what he must to save our marriage. If he cannot find it in himself to honor his vows to me, I will be left with no choice but to move on.

Newly, thank you for your edits as well.

I'd also include that sentence of yours I quoted above. See the difference? One sends a clear message that you are still very willing to remain married to him and do whatever it takes, but you've chosen an alternative course of action and are ready to pull the trigger on it. It puts the ball in his court, and now he has an audience, most of whom aren't going to be very sympathetic to his point of view.

Got it, thank you. I realize how pathetic and desperate I seem, willing even now to back down and reconcile. At the same time, when I visualize a life without Mr. Sad Sack dragging his sorry @ss in at 10:00 p.m. after non-stop cell phone chatter with OW, and avoiding my eyes, I imagine breathing again. Clean air. I can imagine being happy and cheerful. I have to be able to see this. It keeps despair away.

I would barbeque the divorce papers if I believed he sincerely wanted to rebuild.

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newly,
Love your last change, as well as the one in penultimate paragraph. Very helpful.

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Pathetic and desperate? No. Trying to save your marriage? Yes.

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I like Newly's revision. Still one mixed signal though. I'd change this:

...he was so enmeshed with OW. Now it's for me to move on.

to this:

...he is so enmeshed with OW, he will not do what he must to save our marriage. If he cannot find it in himself to honor his vows to me, I will be left with no choice but to move on.

I would add one further clarification, since he has the dillusion that YOU are the one harming your son with divorce - fire a clear fog-piercing shot to all who can support the marriage that he will not get a pass with this line that he wants to save the marriage for the sake of your son...

Quote
...he is so enmeshed with OW, he cannot see the harm this kind of malfunctioning moral compass can do to our son, and will not do what he must to save our marriage. If he cannot find it in himself to honor his vows to me, I will be left with no choice but to move on.

Our son deserves to see two parents who love each other, as the rock of his world; he has not had this for so much of his life now, I am concerned that I have taught him a tolerance for infidelity. No more. That has changed. He will have a clear and certain moral compass, from at least one of his parents.

sequencing needs to be re-worked because it doesn't flow smoothly, but this content and clarification NEEDS to be in this letter, so that he can't draw friends into thinking that he wants to do what's best for his son. What's best for his son is for this boy's father to love the son's mother and devote his heart and faithfulness to her. Anything less is putting the child 2nd or last.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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KaylaAndy,
Thank you for the input. Now time to rework & put letter in final.
I may deliver this message by phone to some people, email to others, snail mail to still others.

Soon!

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Dear Lora, Check, newly, and KaylaAndy (and everyone else who read but didn’t reply)

I have read and re-read your responses and your suggestions to the exposure letter. I took Check’s thoughts about vindictiveness to heart and to brain. I thought about Lora’s advice to write the letter but not send it. KaylaAndy, thank you for your re-working on the moral compass idea. It resonates with me because for so many years the stunning fact was that WH had been my moral compass, because he was so completely moral and straight.

I haven’t posted or responded since the last post, but I have taken your words, all of you, to heart, read, re-read, thought about, and talked about them with a good friend and confidante as well as with my shrink.

I weighed saving our marriage against ….....

the 10+ years since WH announced that he had a “BestFriend” for the first time in his life;
the roughly 9 years since I began to protest and complain about their spending so much time one-on-one together,
the 8 years since I found the letter he was writing to her that explained so much. It put down word for word our conversation of the previous evening. That conversation was so odd, that I snooped and found the letter to her;
the 7-1/2 years since the OW found a better job and gave him her notice, and he went into real depression over it;
the 7 years since he told me he had never loved me and intended to leave once our son was grown and out of the house,
the 12 months we wasted in marital counseling because he sandwiched in
the 50 minute hour after being on the phone with the OW and before resuming being on the phone with her,
the 3 years since I left the Divorce Warning Ahead letter to him in his glove compartment, and he “tried” to be nicer.

And I also thought about how he comes home all bouncy after he’s gone shopping at BB&B and IKEA for his new apartment, like he’s shopping for a hope chest,

And I’ve caught him smiling to himself while he thought I wasn’t looking. He’s not heartbroken, he’s Relieved! The cage door is open at last.

….. and realized I really am tapped out. Yes, I still do love him. But I could never trust him again. Not to maintain No Contact or to be completely open and honest. I would always be analyzing everything he says, looking for the indirect lie. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Please pay attention to the Plan A warnings and to Plan B. They are invaluable. Tell the newcomers about them. You can’t Plan A forever. I’m letting the divorce go ahead, and I am looking forward to my new life without a betraying husband. MarriageBuilders is a godsend, its inhabitants are a lifeline.

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Belle,

I read this the other morning at like 2 am and was to tired to respond with anything that would have been helpful.

I wanted to say YEAH!! But, I knew that really wasn't what you needed at the time, but more of a supportive wisdom on if what you wanted to say was worded correctly, and I was just too tired to offer that.

I am really sorry things didn't turn out the way you have held out hope for, I know that hurts terribly, and I know how long you have been trying to get this man to love you.

Yet, at the same time, I am so GLAD you have finally reached the point that you will no longer live in such utter disrespect from someone who promised to love and honor you, and be FOR YOU in the good and the bad, the way you have been for him for so long.

I think one of the most difficult steps is accepting you can't make someone love you, no matter how much you love them, and want them to love you in return.

And knowing it's not about YOU, but about THEM, and accepting their choice not to want the same things you do, and saying okay, it really is time to let go and move on with my life.

but you know what, You have your dignity, you have your self-respect, you have your inner strength to draw on, even if you don't 'feel' it right now, it's there.

You also have Jesus, who loves you so much, who desires to comfort you and give you peace in your heart, that even He understands you can't make someone love you, no matter how much You wish they would. He gave His Life just to have a relationship with us, yet, people still reject that love. So yes, Even He understands the hurt and pain that you are feeling inside right now, reach up to Him and allow Him to comfort you the way you need right now.

And just know if you need to, you can e-mail me. Okay.

Last edited by ThornedRose; 09/02/05 11:49 PM.

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Thank you TR. Sent you more on your email.

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and realized I really am tapped out. Yes, I still do love him. But I could never trust him again. Not to maintain No Contact or to be completely open and honest. I would always be analyzing everything he says, looking for the indirect lie. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Bellevue, I just read this. I hope to soon be at the point of acceptance you seem to be. The part I quoted goes for me too, yet if he WOULD do all the right things I still would consider reconciling. I don't think my H is capable of it though. God bless you!


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I weighed saving our marriage against ….....

the 10+ years since WH announced that he had a “BestFriend” for the first time in his life;
the roughly 9 years since I began to protest and complain about their spending so much time one-on-one together,
the 8 years since I found the letter he was writing to her that explained so much. It put down word for word our conversation of the previous evening. That conversation was so odd, that I snooped and found the letter to her;
the 7-1/2 years since the OW found a better job and gave him her notice, and he went into real depression over it;
the 7 years since he told me he had never loved me and intended to leave once our son was grown and out of the house,
the 12 months we wasted in marital counseling because he sandwiched in
the 50 minute hour after being on the phone with the OW and before resuming being on the phone with her,
the 3 years since I left the Divorce Warning Ahead letter to him in his glove compartment, and he “tried” to be nicer.

Hi Belle, I just dropped in and read this thread. What a heartbreaker - I wish I had some encouraging thoughts. I think you are wise to not trust a No Contact - as he's proven unable to do this for 10 years! It reminds me of Prince Charles and Camille Parker-Bowles, with Diana in the middle.

You sound like you have a good perspective on reality - even if it's not how you wanted it to go down. There is something to be said for choosing peace over turmoil.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Waiting for dawn...
...but not afraid of the dark.

DDay: Sept 26, 2004
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Thank you for posting Deja Vu. I clicked onto your "My Story" to get an overview of your sitch.

The Princess Di, Camilla and Charles thing? Yeah, that's what my shrink said when I first went to see him. Only I'm the one who is older, the OW is younger than both my WH and me. And his "friendship" with her came after our marriage.

Thank God for this Board and for the support of its denizens.


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