He also told me (again I know words, words)that he told OW he loves me and wants to stay M'd to me.

[b]This is bullsh**. Let me tell you why ....

If he told OW this (which he probably did) it was an effort to remind her of her status as an OW ~not~ a wife. As a woman ....I think this comment is NOT so much a compliment to ~you~ (sorry FF .... I calls 'em as I sees 'em) as it is a window into how your WH views women (in general) and his ability to compartmentalize his simultaneous relationships with 2 women.

Secondly, if he told OW this (which he probably did) it is probably just a piece of a much LARGER conversation .... it is also highly likely he said he wanted to stay married to you "for the kids".

This wanting to stay married to you ~and~ keep a secret relationship with ~her~ is not in the least complimentary to either of the women in his life.

Get your hard-hat on coz I have something else I am gonna lay on you when I get back .....

and ... maybe we can get together for lunch ... just the 2 of us???? Interested? YOU pick the place. This weekend is too full .... but after that ... I'm pretty free.

Ok, Ms Pep...I have my hazard hat on. I need to hear your truth so lay it on me. Lunch would be great. If you can do next Sat. my DD is out of town and I can get DS babysat. During the week is tough cuz I work and plan to take one day to spend with the kids before school starts. let me know, you have my email.

"He also told me (again I know words, words)that he told OW he loves me and wants to stay M'd to me."

YIKES, FF, our WH's must be twins. Mine has said that cr%p for 3 years. I also have a drawer full of letters from him with the same theme. I finally let him know, that while I appreciate his "love", that I needed to move on without him.

[color:"red"]This man is the biggest CA on the face of the earth. [/color]

[b]>ahem<

Thinking of a way to phrase this ....

If your H ~is~ the biggest CA on the planet ... what are you?

That is to say .... who marries and chooses to stay married to "the biggest CA on the face of the earth"? And why does this person find such a CA champion attractive?

Every DJ we utter about our spouses ... has a backward-reflection about ourselves.

What does this comment about your H say about you?

arrghh..you sure know how to hit me where it counts don't ya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I admit to being a champion CA myself. Though I have been working on that and many other not so attractive traits of mine. Basically I think I am a big sucker. I want um need to believe him. But WHY?

My H has something about him that draws people, mainly women, to him. He comes across as kind, gentle, attentive where actually he doesn't treat the women IN his life like that. Yet, I continue to try to draw that out of him toward me.

HINT:

Your marriage to a CA enabled you to keep your own (many years ago) affair secret for years and years.

See?

Oh my gosh! Yes, you are so right. Why didn't I see that? Now that I have been outed it is no longer acceptable for me to live like that? I don't want that anymore because my biggest fear has been faced, ie. him finding out.

In some sick way ... in the past....

mutual conflict avoidance was the 'glue' that held your marriage together

NOW ... you want to change the rules about things and abolish conflict avoidance ..... start with your own first!

love ya!

gotcha! See why I love ya, Pep? You do not beat around the bush.

Ok, off the clean house and ponder my own CA.

I hope my comments won't put me in the Pep 1 category of punishment posting. LOL!!! U know she posts because she cares. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wanted to add that it is good you have id'd your CA issues and that of your H. That is why it is critical that he not only say he will come clean but do more than he says.

Let him know his words sound good but don't count unless ther eise there is actions to match. See how the stakes go higher for the recovery? No lower, higher. Each slip back should push up the requirements. Don't forget that.

I told my Xws that if he kept slipping, his requirements w/b too high he couldn't even enter the front door. YIKES!!! That scared him and it should have.

Now go figure out how to make those stakes higher..... it will require some work on your part also. re: only t/b fair.

JMHO,
L.

FF

You've got mail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Orchid. BTW, I never consider posts punishment been around here long enough to understand the tough love.

Oh crap...I did something I always tell BS not to do. I called OW. He told me she would verify that the A is not PA. It is not because according to her he has had many, many A's that I do not know about and she won't sleep with him if he won't be faithful. Biggest news of the day from OW is he signed the BC at birth. He lied to me about this too. But, here is the worst thing I did today...DD opened the door when I was talking to OW and she heard. I had to tell about OC. She is angry and upset. She wanted to run away. Why did I do something so stupid?

Oh OW says blah blah blah he doesn't love you, he stays cuz he is scared of you...She did not know I filed for D and he wanted me to cancel it. Said she will talk to him whether they have phones or not cuz he is her best friend blah blah blah.

I f'ing hate her and him. I want to D him and my poor DD is saying no, no I want my family together!

Faith,

I am just so happy you are getting all this help and support. Keep checking to see if you are okay, and it is so comforting to know everyone is here for you.

Man, if I ever do get married am I ever going to be smart about r's now reading on here and Froz's thread. Not that I ever want to get married now, but you never can say never.

Thinking of you girlie.

Thanks, Weaver.

Oh crap I just read your newest post.

Get back on track with what you were doing and think no more of that stupid convo with that stupid person.

How old is DD? She needed to know anyway and now you need to spend a lot of time talking to her about this.

Ok...TWACK! hitcha over the head (real soft).

What did you think that calling the OW could do for you? Does it really matter at this point if the A is a PA or not?

You KNOW that she is not going to tell you what you want to hear.

I don't think this is what Pep meant when she said to stop your own CA! <grin>

Susan

I know Susan, I know. But now I know he did indeed sign the BC which I did suspect but he denied so it is legal. Of course I had to suffer through what a sham my M is, how he doesn't love me and I will never see her child, I am keeping him from his son blah blah blah

Weaver, she is 12. She just told me she would rather know now than find out later. She has no interest in seeing baby and is so mad about this. I just took her hero down to human levels.

I simply must say something ( I am work today, and nothing is happening here, so I have plenty of time to post!)

Your DD can still adore her Father even if he didn't live with you anymore.

You have an obligation to your D to love her, nurture her, and teach her how to be an awesome woman, daughter, wife, friend, etc. Your daughter knows that her dad is not treating you well. Don't teach her that it is ok to put up with all his crap. You have a chance right now to show her that it is not ok to let a man treat you like this.

Someday your daughter will be dating, and looking for a marriage partner. What type of relationship do you want her to seek out?