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Oh Weaver, you make me cry! I love the people here so much. I am struggling to NOT believe the garbage my WH has heaped on me. There is still a small part of me that buys into his "it's my fault" crappola. AAO, not really anyone to expose to. OW is not M'd and her family all know anyway. WH's family knows and appears to be supportive of him. Limited people in my family know and our church leaders know.
I hope OW will give him up but likely not. I know what it is like to hope that your child's father will step up. I hope she and I both learn some boundaries and self respect. For now I am doing what I feel is right for my DD.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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FF,
Your daughter is very blessed to have you for a mother. I hope you feel the power of all the prayers coming your way.
"The actions you speak are louder than your words!"
Author unknown
"Miracles are seen in light."
From "A Course In Miracles".
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I just ordered a book called "Tears and Healing" from an al-aon website, and it is a workbook which helps us to heal from abuse.
All of us who are BS's have been badly abused. And it takes much work to "unlearn" our thought processes which reinforce that we are not okay, that we are to blame for the incredible pain which we have been dealt at the hands of someone we love.
I am also listening to subliminal message tapes which tell me that I am lovable (Healing Emotional Pain).
I'll let you know if it helps me, because maybe you are like me and desparately need to change your core beliefs about yourself.
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Well, it looks like I will be the only one disagreeing with the bunch here...however I think it is a bad bad idea to take your DD to meet the OC...bad, bad, bad!
I spoke to my counselor, who is also the kids' counselor, and I asked her this specific question...she said absolutely NOT do I take them or even mentiion the OC to them...It is their FATHERS responsibility to introduce the baby to them...NOT MINE! It is HIS mess and he is the one who should introduce them!
FF, you have got to step back and stop taking the slack for what your H has done...It is not your responsibility to introduce your DD, as much as SHE WANTS YOU TO, to that OC...It is NOT HER DECISION to make...and you are in a world wind right now to not even think straight...You will regret this decision once you start thinking straight!
let your H take your DD to meet the OC...You are putting way too much power on your DD right now and that will get you into a world of trouble in the end...
I am only telling you this so you can SEE the other side...not to mean...I know you want to do what is best for you and your DD and DS, but introducing her to OC is NOT what is best for her...NOT AT ALL! stop, breath and THINK!!!!
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Well well well... OW called ME this morning. We spoke for 1.5 hours. It has been a PA all this time since she got pregnant and beyond. He sees her and OC 2 or 3 times per week. They already signed legal papers for visitation and CS which should be showing up at my door any day now. MY DD, DS and I are going on Thursday to meet OC. DD wants to meet him on her terms without her dad present. OW agreed. this is a lifestyle choice 2 wives *sigh*
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now the lifestyle choice her father has made is going to become a 'legitimate' option in DD's eyes....
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FF
I guess your fingerprints are all over this OC situation now....
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This situation is making me sick to my stomach! Please do NOT take your DD to meet that baby! Dont involve YOUR DD in this mess! This is way too much for her to handle! THINK! for God Sake THINK!
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Oh, FF, I'm so sorry. I don't have any good advice, and I believe you are getting the best advice you can get here anyway.
No knee-jerk reactions is probably a good idea.
I hope all goes well with your trip to meet the OC, that will be hard.
I know all this hurts like h*ll right now.....I've been crying reading this thread thinking of how you must be feeling.....but the truth is beginning to come out....the whole truth, and you need to know it, and then you can really begin to heal, be it with WH or without him.
You are in my prayers.
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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this is a lifestyle choice It has been for years...he has had a few OW in the past few years. It has been allowed to continue. When there are no clear cut boundaries...or boundaries have been moved to accomodate this kind of man...what else can one expect? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sad...and so predictable. committed
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Another OC (eventually) is highly likely ....
this is not monogamy
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Another OC (eventually) is highly likely ....
this is not monogamy this is polygyny the state or practice of having more than one wife or female mate at one time this is what is being 'normalized' for your daughter
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FF
If you intend to make this a legitimate option in your DD's eyes ... at least call it by it's proper name
polygyny
look it up
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Ugh, I hadn't thought of that.....harsh reality.
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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I don't understamd.
This baby is Faith's children's half brother.
Is DD to ostracize the baby because of the sins of the father?
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Faithful,
Reading that you are taking your DD to meet the baby has brought me to tears Faith. Me as well ... but I suspect our tears are not for the same reason ... I do not admire polygyny ... I see nothing but poor adult choices set before a 12 year old girl.
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I don't understamd.
This baby is Faith's children's half brother.
Is DD to ostracize the baby because of the sins of the father? This will make her father's polygyny legitimate. One BIG happy 2-wife family. Very sad indeed.
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So it would be better to bury it in the closet with all the other dirty little secrets, and her DD can grow up believing that this is the way.
Or would it be better to divorce and let her meet her little half brother after?
Or never?
This is the biggest tragedy I have witnessed on this board.
I just don't understand Pep, what you are saying regarding these children.
Faith is not going to stay with him under these conditions, she is in a state of shock right now.
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Weaver ... this baby is only a few weeks old.... there is plenty of time for DD/12 to get acquainted with her half brother ---> AFTER the "adults" get their relationahip roles straightened out. This is an active on-going affair and FF is bringing her 12 year old daughter to MEET the other woman who is STILL screwing her daddy !
I see no way to un-romanticize this adulterous relationship in DD/12's eyes once this happends.
This is an active affair with an OW who is screwing her father .... tell me what makes this meeting so great for DD/12 ? I really do NOT understand !!!!
Last edited by Pepperband; 08/29/05 07:20 PM.
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So it would be better to bury it in the closet with all the other dirty little secrets, and her DD can grow up believing that this is the way. Weaver .... this is stupid and you know me well enough that I hate stuff in a closet .... but this is a 12 year old girl going to meet her daddy's F-BUDDYam I making myself clear enough now?
Last edited by Pepperband; 08/29/05 09:41 PM.
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