H left me a message yesterday saying that he would contact a mediator today. H said "it's only fair that we share the cost of the mediator".

I am pretty upset about this statement, as I have been paying for mortgage for the past 5 months, he has been giving me less than 20% of his net income, and has not been contributing towards DS2's daycare tuition either. Plus, I am paying for his car essentially as it is included in the mortgage. I have asked him to pay for these, but he did not. Yet for him to say "it's only fair to share the cost of the mediator"?? Even though he is the one who moved out and wants a divorce??

How should I respond to this?? By email or phone? Please help, I need to talk to him this morning!!!

My optinion is that it is he who wants the divorce, so he must absorb ALL costs associated with it. To force a divorce on someone who doesn't want it and then demand that they help pay for it is not only unfair, but immoral. Tell him to go pound sand.

Before H contacts the mediator, should I email him saking for the mediator's name and number?

Well, a mediator requires a contract of cooperation and complete buy-in by both sides in both the mediator and the process. So, yes, you will have to meet with the mediator and be comfortable with him/her before anything else can happen.

Thanks CheckUrHeart. I know it is insane, isn't it? It's like "I want to kill you, I know you don't want to die, but I must and I am going to charge you for your own death"!

But that is not how H's mind works, unfortunately. He is nuts! I called 3 different mediators and so far it seems they do not charge any upfront fees. So if H goed ahead and makes an appointment, I could simply show her all of my expenses vs. what he pays to us, and tell her I have A LOT more expenses (including those H should be paying) and thus I should not be paying for the mediation. Since she is the mediator, she should be fair, right?

Or my friend suggested that if I think we are having major differences, then the mediator will not be able to solve that anyway (e.g., H wants a 50% physical custody so that he does not have to pay child support - how cheap!!!, and also the biggest thing is that I don't even want to DIVORCE!), so why bother? We can just try to sit down to come up with terms on our own, then whatever the difference we still have may have to be solved through lawyers. So I could suggest H for us to sit down to try to solve it instead of going to see a mediator - we don't even have to pay for her!

What do you think?

What should I tell H? I should at least aknowledge his message, right? What am I going to say???

Milkshake,

I see you are going through similar things as I. You replied to me on my thread (thanks).

I personally think, since you don't know exactly what to say, do not reply! You do not owe him anything!!! You do not need to reply if you are not comfortable. Believe me, he will call again and by that time you will have had enough time to think what you want and how to respond.

I had the same feeling on Wednesday so I know what you are saying. H wrote me an email and I thought I had to respond. But the fact is that I do not owe him any reply so I have not replied. We don't owe them anything. They left. You are not being mean or vengeful or spiteful by not replying. You are not ignoring him. You are not agreeing with him. You are being careful because you don't want to regret what you say and you are not ready to reply now. You are taking your time to think things through. So if he even asks why you did not reply, you can say I needed time to think about it.

Good luck,
Daisy

Thanks Daisy. You are right!!! H called this morning (you are very good...!!!).

H started out saying "hi, how is the grass?"
Me "oh it's getting tall"
H "Okay I guess this weekend when I come by I need to cut it"
Me "Okay, thanks"
H "How is everything?"
Me "Good"

Then since he did not say anything, I was going to just hung up "well, then..."
Then H said
"...do did you get my message?"
Me "which message?"
H "I left you a message on your cell last night"
Me "Oh really? Hmm (pretending I was checking it as I talked...)...., okay I listened to it"
H "well?"
Me "Who is she?"
H "Oh I don't know"
Me "No I mean, what is her name (dah..)? What's her number?"
H "Her name is XXX and number is XXX"

Well, that is the mediator I just spoke right before H called. I got her number off of website, and spoke to her just to find out about the fee, but noticed right away that the area code is not from our neighborhood. I checked the address, and it is like 2-3 hours away from where we live.

Me "I don't recognize this area code. Is it in the Chicagoland?"
H "Oh, I don't know (aren't you supposed to check that first?)"
Me "You can't hire someone in Alabama, you know"
H "Oh, is this an Alabama number?"
Me "No, who knows, this could be in Alaska, but I don't think this is near where we live"
H "Oh..."

Then that was the end of it. What was that all about???

Then he asked how DS2 is doing. I told him about him and he laughed at what DS2 has been saying and said "Oh, I can't wait to see him - I am going to see him tomorrow, okay?"
"Yup, that's fine"
"Can I keep him?"
"Yes, you can keep him"

And we said take care, and hang up.

The interesting thing was, H DID NOT call the mediator today as he said he would. B/c obviously if he called her, she would have told him that she could not meet with us (I have never heard any mediation via phone but is there such thing??). I am not saying that H was bluffing, but I think he wanted to see how I would have reacted.

So now what?

Milkshake,

I knew he would call.

I cannot help you with why he did what he did. I personally am getting to the point where I am tired of analyzing my H's actions that I plainly do not understand. I am getting to the point where I don't ask myself what did he mean by this or that. Really, we are adults and if you cannot come out and say what you need to say then I will not think about it. Now H says he wants "freedom to live separate lives" I give it to him. I am tired of analyzing.

My suggestion is: Don't analyze his behavior. You cannot know what he is thinking!!! He is an adult, let him tell you what he is thinking. Sorry, but I guess I am just getting tired of being pushed around by H's inability to make up his mind. One minute he was telling me I want space and I don't want to be married and next he was asking me to buy him things and that I can stay over at his place and it can be as when we first started dating. I am past anlyzing. H says, I listen, but I don't do any more than that. I figure, if they leave let them figure it out. I guess it is a kind of 180 thinking, but maybe it is just me being tired and angry. Sorry!!!

Daisy

Daisy,

It's great that you have reached that point. You don't have to "try" to do the 180, you are naturally tired of everything. I know, I tend to overanalyze everything H does/says. I want to feel lik you - indifferent - so that I don't have to suffer each time H says something stupid.

I left a message in this mediator's voice mail. I want to find out if she would be somehow capable of offering mediation to us (by phone??) and if so, I want to tell her beforehand that I do not want to pay for this since (1) H wants a divorce, (2) I am paying all of those bills.

I checked the mediator's website again - it says she offers a telephone consultation!!! Ouch!

Should I then tell H I am not willing to pay for this....NOW or TOMORROW when I see him?

The purpose of a mediator is precisely to help you negotiate those major differences in a healthy way and, thereby, safe you a lot of frustration and money by avoiding a costly legal battle. Mediation is only needed when the two parties cannot come to an agreement in terms. Mediators always require several things. Among these are:

* Leave the emotions, bickering and fighting outside.
* Both parties must negotiate in good faith
* Neither party can cut deals outside of the mediation process or engage attorneys to subvert the process or agreements
*Mediation is binding

Mediation can be expensive, but no so much as battling lawyers. It can alwo make what would be a nasty, bitter divorce process much less tense. Many family courts will now order mediation instead of filling their dockets with an endless series of hearings.

If you and your husband can work out the terms of an agreement on your own, that is, of course, the preferable way to do it. Most divorcing couples can pull this off if they put their minds to it. I found it ironic that my wife and I worked out our divorce with only minimal problems. Too bad we couldn't do the same thing to avoid the divorce!

Best of luck!

Thanks CheckUrHeart. Really, if you can work things out for your divorce, you would think you should be able to work out more "positive" things in your marriage right?

H just wants a divorce and he keeps thinking about it - like a little kid wanting a candy, I think. If I try to stop it in anyway he would snap, thinking "see, my wife is trying to control me again!". I just don't get it.

I am hoping that I can contact the mediator so that I can tell her I am not willing to pay.... (well I am not willing to divorce in the first place...)!

OK, I spoke to the mediator. I am not sure if she would be helpful - she said "I understand your concern, etc., and can tell your husband what should be the starting ground, etc.", but obviously, since she is not a lawyer, does not have any power to "make" H do anything.

H can just simply ignore her advice on financial thing for the time being.

Should I email H saying "I do not think I should be paying for the mediator and if you want we can try to come up with our own terms ourselves"? What is the amicable way to say it? I am really bad at this (I get emotional really easy) - need some help! If I say this to him tomorrow when I see him, I feel that I would get really emotional, so maybe I should email him today?

any ideas please??

Milkshake,
Please do take a deep breath. I know what you are going through. It is easier to communicate over email than in person. I really understand. But, take some time to think over what you want to do.

Maybe you can say, "You say you want a Mediator. It would really help me in my decision process to know why you want one. Is it because you do not see us being able to resove this without one. Is it because you don't want us to spend too much on lawyers? etc."
I don't think you want to be pushed around but at the same time you want to feel good about yourself, and I don't think you want to make this about money either.

I really don't know what is the right way to go. I am struggeling with this myself. Although, H has yet to use the Divorce word, it is nevertheless difficult since he is basically saying it without using the word itself. We have not started any proceedings but I am preparing myself for that because I do not want to feel used and walk away without any dignity. However, I also do not want to walk away vendictive either, although I can really see now how the partner who is left behind can become consumed by anger.

BTW,
I finally replied to H's email. I was finally ready to write.
This is what I said after he said no MC, wanting to be friends only and living separate lives.

"H
I had another individual counseling session this week and overall it has been very helpful and there is really no need for any more couples counseling. We did not have a good marriage and I agree that we need to live our separate lives.

Enjoy your visit up north. (he is visiting CA)

Love,
Daisy"

I don't know what he will think of it but it really does not matter. I am in acceptance stage because any other stage it just going to keep me from moving on, and hurt me too much. If by some mirical H sees the ligth in the next few months, fine, if not, I will be moving on with my life and hopefully find happiness in my life soon.

Daisy

You sound very strong Daisy. I am trembling thinking about the road ahead.

I don't know if I can say what you suggested in person...

Sorry, I ment why don't you write that in an email. I know, saying it in person is so hard.

Believe me, I am not that strong. When I am alone it is easy to be strong, but when I face H, all I see is the man I love, and I am filled with so much emotion, I want to cry. This is why I really don't want to talk to him or see him. I am afraid I would cry and I just don't want him to see me that way. I want him to see me as the strong person that I am when I am sitting here alone thiking rationally.

I know you have children so it is really different. You have to see each other if you want to or not. Maybe you can agree to communicate all divorce issues through email, not in person. You don't have to tell him your true reasons. You can say you don't want to spend the time that is intended for your child (sorry I cannot remember right now if you have a S or D) on divorce talk. As I said, I am not in your situation, kids and all, so I am just suggesting what kind of sounds reasonable to me, although I could be way off.

Many hugs. We all need them.

Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I am really emotional right now - I closed my office door and crying... I knew this was going to happen, but I was not ready. This weekend is going to be tough b/c my son is not going to be around (H would keep him). I hope I can survive this weekend alone...

Again thanks for your inputs and kind words...

If you use a mediator, face to face is important to ensure that the mediator can see if one party has "power over" the other party.

Have you bought the book "Mom's House/Dad's House" If not, get it. It has some great agreement details in it. You can write up your own, and eventually have a mediator or lawyer review it for your state's legal requirements.

We tried a mediator, but X did not follow up on anything, and she gave up after 2 visits. She could see he wasn't going to budge. Our state also offers one free mediation session for "parenting time". This one told X he wasn't going to get what he wanted, and that my offer was the best he was going to get, so he should take it. After much money spent on lawyers and evaluators, X got even less time.
Perhaps your STBX is not being realistic. If you need money from him, then you should file pendente lite - for support pending litigation. He would likely then be required to contribute to childcare. And the custody determined in pendente lite usually becomes the final custody.