I can relate to this!

I am feeling depressed again.... I feel that no one in today's world still posses the old virtue of commitment to your marriage. Every where I go, I hear stories about infidelity. It makes me sick. And when I act like this, probably guys would feel "man, lighten up!", b/c they really do not think they are doing anything THAT bad..., well I will never meet anyone who can be trusted then.

2/3 of the divorces in this country are filed for by women. Yet men's sexual drive is TYPICALLY stronger - so again does this confirm that I did not meet my husband's emotional needs? I feel that there are more cases of wives coming back later than husbands from what I have been reading here - not sure though.

Just wondering (AGAIN) why my husband so badly wants to be free...

H called tonight and asked DS3 who his daddy is....

I think this confirms that H has a fear that DS3 will replace his father with someone else. Then why doesn't he just come home and be ONE!?

When a man has decided he is "done" with the marriage to his wife, even if he misses his boy and may not have any serious girlfriend (this I am not sure but am guessing), is there absolutely nothing the wife can do to stop divorce?

I was out of town last night so dropped off DS3 at his grandparents' (H's parents) yesterday. Apparently, H called their house last night and heard DS3's voice in the background and realized that DS3 was staying overnight there. H got so mad that he told his father "MILK will be in a big trouble in court because she did not ask DS3's father to take care of him while she is away for business!".

H does see DS3 on a regular basis (every other weekends). Also, from what my lawyer told me, at this point, since we have not even filed for anything, I do not have any obligation to let H see DS3. I am just letting H see DS3 b/c I think it is good for DS3. So I know just because I did not ask H FIRST to see if he could take care of DS3 while I am gone, I cannot be held accountable for anything. Especially if that is DS3's own grandparents!

But is anyone familiar with these situations? I cannot believe H is so mad. I think it's because H is now very insecured that DS3 might not remember H as his daddy (after the party, DS3 told me that my friend XXX is his daddy - I of course corrected his statement, but it is not DS3's fault, since his father does not live here anymore!) or might not pick H as the most favorable man in his life.

If the situation gets this bad...., does anyone see any hope??

I am really scared now - what is H going to do now? What should I do?

What he's refering to is the "right of first refusal". The other parent should always be asked first before childcare arrangements are made. I have this in my divorce document and X disregards it anyway.

Think about how you'd like to be treated. Would you want STBX to ask you first, or to dump the kids on his parents? Act like an adult and dont' be vengeful here. Yes, you should have asked him first. Next time you know.

He can't do anything about it, you are right. The event is past. Did you buy the book Mom's House/Dad's House? Get it. There is great advice in there.

Thanks for your advice newly. It hurst still to think he got so mad though! Because H made the decision to leave us. H made the decision to take care of DS3 everyday was too much (he said so when he moved out - he said worrying about our relationship, starting his new job, and taking care of DS3 is just too much for him to handle). Initially he said he would swing by our house to pick DS3 up every morning to take him to his daycare. By the second day, H already missed it. Then the following week, when I suggested I could take him to his daycare, he said "thanks, I can save a lot on my gas then - it makes a big difference". I was shocked to hear that - saving on gas means more to him??

Since then I stopped asking him to come to pick DS3 up. I have been doing all the work. H did not even offer to help me organize the party for DS3. H did not even offer to pay partially towards the party. H refuses to pay towards our house. H does not pay for DS3's daycare. H only pays a little less than 20% of his net income, which does not include the daycare expenses. H refused to pay a half of DS3's doctor's bills.

I don't understand - he is not being responsible, yet only demanding his right to be asked first to watch DS3. Does this make sense?

It doesn't have to make sense.
If you want financial support, then you should file for Pendente Lite. X will be required to pay for his portion of the items mentioned.
Now, he's using money to control you. Take it out of your hands.

And be glad of little things, at least he went to the birthday party, my X won't go.
I think you need an education of what you'll get in a divorce situation for child support. In my state, one child gets 18% of the combined income for support. And the calculation is based on how many overnights each parent has. So if you are gettign 20% of his paycheck, then you may be doing better than most. Take some action.

Child support = 18% of (Mom's salary + dad's salary).
If parent's split custody 50/50, and make the same amount, nobody gets child support payments. It's only if salaries and custody are skewed does anyone get anything.

Thanks newly, yes I do have the pretty much basic knowledge of what I should be getting, etc.

In my state, 20% of non-custodial parent's net income has to be paid to the custodial parent. And this does not include childcare costs, so something extra (it is often 50% of child care costs, 50% of any medical expenses, 50% of extra curriculum costs, etc.) have to be paid as well. Since I make more than H does, I may not get 50% of everything, but I should still get something extra other than just 20%. I am willing to accept only 20%, depending on how we split our assets. Asking H 50% of everything for the next 15 years gives me headache when I think about it.

H wants to have this 50/50 custody setup so that he does not have to pay child support. But there is NO WAY I want to split the custody. I want a 100% custody. Also I heard from several different lawyers that now the study shows kids who go through 50/50 custody setups often get confused and do not feel that they have a permanent "home", and so now many judges are against this idea. The fact H has moved out our house over 4 months ago, and I have been the primary care taker, should give me a great chance to win the 100% physical custody. I am not sure if H's arrest last year will be factored in here - I do not want to get nasty, but if H insists on custody, my lawyer may bring that up, I am not sure.

Whatever it is, it is sickening me. We should not be needing to do this. We were partners for many many years. We loved each other. I still love him. But H decided that I am so evil that he must get away to get mentally healthy...

Milkshake, something tells me there is more to the story here.
You already have a "friend" that DS thinks is his father.
You demand 20% of STBX's salary - when you make more. (And in most states, it is based on the %age of time each parent has the child).
You expect 100% custody when that is not the norm.
And a 50/50 expense split would be only if you make the same amount, if you make more - expect to pay more - I do.

Perhaps you should do some research into your state rules and see where reality actually lies - it's somewhere inbetween. Your demands appear controlling.

For a reality check, perhaps you should look at some official state forms. Colorado has forms online.
I checked to see if it was in line with my state, and it was very close to my calculation. It wasn't the 20% you mentioned (unless your STBX makes very little).

http://www.courts.state.co.us/chs/court/forms/domestic/ChildSupportWorksheets.xls

Thanks for checking this out newly. It is 20% - I have a divorce booklet and also have spoken to 10 lawyers by now. But as I said, this 20% does not include childcare expenses, so lawyers I have spoken to have told me that either way H should be paying a lot more than what he has given me.

H just sent me this email.

"MILK

I didn’t know you were gone to New York. You know I mentioned to you in the past and will mention it to you again now I want to take care of DS3 more often than what has occurred.

Especially when you go to New York I can look after him.

WS"

From the tone of this email I can tell he is pretty upset. I thought I might have deposited some love units in the past by showing up unannounced on his birthday with a present and DS3, caring for him when he was sick, etc., but every time tiny a positive change occurs, it always gets wiped out by something negative and not only the love units deposited will be gone, but the balance moves further into the red.

While I was typing this, my phone rang twice and I am pretty sure it was H.

How should I respond to his email?

His email is not negative. He's letting you know that he wants to care for his child when you are away.
Your response: acknowledge his request (respectfully).
One form of improving communication is to restate the request. ie.
"I read your email saying that you want to care for DS. "

Now - what do you want to get out of this conversation "Does this mean that you are available when travel or at other times?"

Did you try the worksheets? The 20% is not what is paid to the other parent, but it is the combined contribution for the benefit of the child - which means 20% of your salary too. And yes, the childcare and medical are above the 20% calculation. Know the facts. Someone had just posted the links for Colorado, and there is a great parenting booklet on that site.

I sent him a response and this is what I received from H now. H is FURIOUS.

"MILK - listen - don't cut me out of any decision for DS3 - I am his dad and I have a right to take care of him too. Please ask me next time you go to New York if I can take care of him or if you would like my mom and dad to take care of him occasionally that's fine but ask me first. I am
his daddy!!!"

But....then why isn't he paying for DS3's doctors' bills?

I simply replied

"I am sorry you felt that way. I will ask next time".

I wanted to say more but decided not to.

H replied "Thanks".

As long as he gets what he wants, he is happy and can be civil. But does that mean b/c he wants a divorce, I should give it to him? I am sure he will be thrilled!

Have you read the MB site? Do you know what lovebusters are? I feel that you may be using them in conversations with your H. In particular, disrespectful judgements and withholding your son from his father because you don't believe you are financially compensated.
Look at your own actions here.