My wife (of 7 years) and I separated 4 months ago and she has just let me know that she does not want to reconcile. However she says that she doesn't know what will happen in the future (dangling carrot?). We have separated because I finally told her the whole truth to an affair I had 10 years ago when we were dating.

My story:

My wife and I met in high school. She got pregnant (with my child) in our last year of high school. I went to university and I met another woman in my class. A couple of weeks before the birth of my first child I started an affair with the woman in my class. It lasted for about 2 and a half months (end of the school term). It mostly ended due to my wife (then girlfriend) overhearing me confess this affair to my priest at church. In the moment of panic of realising that she heard me I blurted out (wrongfully, I know) that it was just one time.

We spoke to our priest, went to couple counselling, I took a year off of school so that I would not be in the OW's class, and we eventually married 3 years later, still with this lie that it was a one-night affair when it was more than that. To make things worse, for me anyway, my wife told me, after I had lied about the length of the affair, that if she ever found out that I was lying that we'd be through. I know that her statement didn't justify me keeping the lie, but it sure didn't give me any incentive to tell the truth. And I still know that that statement is still a cop-out.

Well, after 7 years of an okay marriage and two more kids later, the guilt finally got the better of me. I told her the truth and she is separating from me.

I realise that I "should" have told her the whole truth a long time ago but I didn't and it was wrong.

My wife feels like she can never trust me again because I lied so convincingly and for so long. She is very upset that I took her to the altar with this lie, knowing how she felt about if there was a lie. She feels that I tricked her into marrying me and that I have stolen 10 years of her life.

I love my wife. I love my 3 children (girl 9, boy 4, boy 2). Since I screwed up 10 years ago with not telling the truth, is there any hope? I really need hope because I can't see a life without my wife and children.

Any comments, advice, help, or hope would be greatly appreciated. And please, don't hold back. If you think I'm a terrible person, I need to know. If you think my wife's choice to separate is not right, I need to know that too.

In advance, thank you!

First off, welcome to Marriage Builders. Please get a running start by clicking on the Basic Concepts and read through the site. You're going to read about Love Busters, Disrespectful Judgements, Angry Outbursts, etc... you need to start by ensuring that you eliminate those. You are also going to read about "Radical Honesty" which it sounds like you are already starting, keep that up. And you are going to read about emotional needs, you also need to meet those for your wife. All these things together along with a little sugar is called a Plan 'A' and that is what you need to work on doing. You need to choose today to be an amazing husband which is also going to require a large dose of humility and patience on your part.


I can totally relate to your wife's feelings and there is nothing you can say to change her mind about that. You can, however, through your actions show her that you are worthy of trust.


Let's get one thing straight and that is that you need to take full accountability for your actions. You didn't lie only lie to your wife ten years ago about this. You lied to her everyday of your engagement and marriage up until the day that you told her the truth. If that was last week, then you lied to her last week. That's fresh, it hurts, she feels the betrayal as of last week, not ten years ago. When people recover a marriage after an affair, it usually takes 12-24 months for the betrayed spouse to go through the grieving process. That process just began when the truth finally saw the light of day....

You may not be able to understand this, but for your wife, the affair was just when you confessed it in it's totallity. That being said, I'd also recommend getting and reading Surviving the Affair.....

Advice:

BE RIGHT THERE with your kids.

Be HOME as early as possible every day.

COOK DINNER or bring dinner home as often as possible.

HELP with domestic chores WITHOUT being asked.

READ to the kids every day.

Bathe the kids yourself.

Take care of the pets.

Attend to the automobiles.

Become 'Mr. Fixit' around the house.

Keep your hands entirely OFF the TV remote control .... only watch TV with your wife ... and let her control the channel.

Do this with NO EXPECTATIONS for 30 days .... a miracle will occur.

Thank you Pepperband but unfortunately my wife kicked me out of the house once I told her the truth. We have not been living together for 4 months.

I am trying to do some of your suggestions already, as applicable. I take the kids anytime she asks and have more than the "usual" non-custodial parent time with them. The chores are difficult - I am taking care of the lawn and helping with some of the housework because we are selling our house (for the separation). When we were together I was the designated kid bather and still do so when the kids are with me. The goldfish have suffered since I've been gone (1/3 left).

I have no expectations, only uncertain hope.

Thank you LostHusband.

I have read the "Radical Honesty" section and I will read the other sections you have suggested. I hope it will help.

I know that I lied everyday to her. She has told me so in her own words. I do take FULL accountability for my actions - the affair and the lie. I guess in a way I'm looking for an easy answer to my feelings of really screwing things up BIGTIME. I know I screwed things up and it is killing me that I allowed myself to do it. I feel like a failure and I hate being a failure. I haven't failed much at life and this is, to me, the biggest failure I could ever accomplish.

She deserved so much more and I didn't pull through for her. I wish I could make it up to her but she doesn't want anything to do with me, save for the children. She cannot imagine a life with me and she feels that she will live in fear of me dropping another bomb on her if she takes me back. I disagree because I know what's in my head but I totally understand how she feels and I can't change the way she feels.

I shall read, hope and pray.

Gosh, that's a toughie and honestly you may want to search the web for other resources in addition to here. This is a good spot to get insight into what your wife is thinking, but you will definitely find a: YOU SINNED, THE KNIFE YOU SKINNED YOURSELF IN ATONEMENT WITH WAS TOO SHARP AND SO YOU MUST REPENT MORE! GROVEL MONKEY BOY! kind of bent here. Lots of betrayed spouses here, lots of pent up rage and anger and sometimes just a little bit of wallowing in that.

I'd think that there are two important things to do. First, do everything you can to express your love for your wife to your wife. Write letters, send flowers. Definitely say you are sorry and see if you can get her to go to counseling with you. Read the five love languages and figure out which hers are. Hit those hard. Read the emotional needs book, try to fill those as your living arrangement allows. Whatever you do, do it with no expectations. This lady may hate you forever and having expectations that 12 bouquets of flowers is going to fix it will only sour what you are trying to do.

If she's religious, consider using that big time. There are all sorts of good bible passages about forgiveness and let he without sin cast the first stone and all that. "Dear, I only hope you can forgive me like Jesus forgave the malachites." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Second, set yourself a limit for when you reassess. Say to yourself: Because I love the lady, I am going to give her one calander year. If she is showing no signs of steps toward resolution I am going to figure out what to do next. She does not owe you forgiveness. She has every right to hate you. What if she does not forgive you and forever hates you? You could wallow around miserable for 10 years, but that seems like a bad idea. Don't spend your life at this without choosing to by reassessing at periodic intervals.

And never forget the Tao of Steve: we pursue that which retreats from us. It's the backbone of the plan a/ plan b thing. Just because she does not respond when you are pining away for her does not mean she is not going to change her mind when you post a profile on match.com. You may find that the sooner you let go of your attachment to getting her back, the sooner you get her back.

And don't pursue her if you are going to cheat again. This lady is really hurt by it. Getting her back to do it again is not OK.

Thank you ambivaleent for your candidness.

I know all about the religious implications of sinning (but, "monkey boy"?).

I have written her letters and notes. I have given her flowers plus a basket of chocolates when she was having a really rough day at work (she loves chocolate!). I'm in the process of writing songs for/about her like I did for our wedding.

We went to one counselling session and the counsellor told us that we are not ready for it because we are on both ends of the spectrum - I want to reconcile, she doesn't.

She wants us to "lay low" and focus on the separation and not about us reconciling in any fashion.

I don't expect that one bouquet of flowers is going to magically whisk her into my arms. I just hope too much that she'll take me back. The waiting to see if I've earned her trust and love back is and will be one of the hardest things. The anticipation of the unknown is a terrible thing when the outcomes are so huge.

I've tried the religious angle and it made her angry. She felt like I was using her faith as a weapon to guilt her into taking me back. To her, nothing, not even her faith, can overcome her fear of living her life with me.

I'm not ready to set myself a limit even though the logical side of me knows I have to. Sometimes logic gives way to emotion. I "know" that someday I will be able to move on but for now it "seems" impossible. The same argument can be said for how I'm supposed to let her go.

And cheating? I can proudly say that I learned my lesson. I have seen the pain and suffering my immaturity and selfishness has caused another human being, more importantly the woman I love, and will not put her through that again. It is not worth the lives I've ruined. The same goes for lying. I am learning my lesson and WILL be true to her and myself. I've learned that if you are not honest with yourself or with the person in your relationship then you will not have the relationship you want or hoped for. If I had been honest 10 years ago she either would have ended it then (maybe) or she would have all the info, still have taken me back back then, and we would not be in the situtation we are now. Our lives, with honesty, could have been a whole lot different. Maybe happier, maybe not, but we would have started to live our lives they way we BOTH wanted.

"I'm not ready to set myself a limit even though the logical side of me knows I have to."

Don't set a limit. Just set a time to reassess.

It's totally fine to spend your life pining away for the lady; but pine away because it's the right thing to do, not because of momentum. Reassess where you are every 3 - 6 months. You may well keep answering with the same answer, but then it's a choice not a habit.

Move back in.

Not kidding.

[/quote]

Move back in.

Not kidding. [/quote]

She has threatened to take the children to her parents' place to live indefinitely if I move back in.

So I'm either without my family where I am now or I'm without my family in my home.

Ummm...I could be wrong about this, but I would think that this would be kidnapping. I am not trying to be sarcastic...I really mean that..in fact, it happened to a friend of mine. And yes, I threatened that also, but in reality, both parents have rights when it comes to their children. She cannot legally take your children without your consent. You need to get a lawyer to help you know your rights here.

Also, don't listen to that other posts about what you will receive here at MB. I am one of those angry, hurt, venting BS, and yes, I will tell you what you did was a horrible thing, but if you do not see that yourself, then there isn't any hope for recovery as well. I think you DO see that, but you are trying to overcome some serious lying. I honestly would have a hard time forgiving my H if he had kept his A from me for 10 years...heck, I was upset that he did not tell me when she kissed him the first time, or that he did not tell me the moment he thought of her as more than a friend. Ten years is a really long time, and yes, I would consider my life with you a lie too....but that does not mean that you couldn't prove me wrong. If you want to save your marriage, you need to show your wife that her needs come way above yours. That you are willing to take whatever she dishes out( well, there is a point, I guess), and that you really have learned what you did was the worst thing you could have possibly done to another person. If you are willing to do that, make your life an open book, and prove your undying love for her...she may be able to forgive. However, she may not. I do not think WS ever realize the hurt they have cause completely until they have it done back to them. It cannot even be explained in words. Also, one year is not enough time to give your spouse...it takes up to 2 years to heal, and in your case, with the ten year gap...it could take longer. To her, it is like you cheated again...and this time it is worse, b/c you already knew the pain that it caused. Just be warned not to rush it to make yourself feel better...I hate to say this, and I am sure I will get a 2x4, but your feelings at this point just do not matter.

So, if you need advice on this site, it will be provided...yes, there are some that will give you that sinner thing, and some really do take it a bit far, but for the most part...I have seen respect when deserved. Some people don't deserve it, b/c they do not give it. Keep posting here...and read, read, read.

I wish you the best...and hope that your wife can see a man that is willing to change for her.

True

Thank you truetoself.

I too thought that if she took the children like that then it could considered kidnapping, but she told me, from her lawyer, that because she was telling me where she would take them and not restrict my access to them then it was not considered kidnapping.

I realise that the lie is/was detrimental to our relationship. I am trying to understand how devestating this is to her but I am still having some difficulties. What I did was wrong, no question, but since the A the norm was that I would come home every night right after work, did not go out with with anybody (except to choir practice at church), and went out as a family everywhere (like grocery shopping, the mall...). Does any of this count for anything? How many years of proving that I am a faithful man does it take before it means something? I have devoted most of my free time to her and our family for years and I feel like that should count for something.

I think most comments to this will be, "Hey, you cheated and lied, you have to prove to her the rest of you life because she deserves it and you owe it to her." However, similar to your comment "well, there is a point, I guess", where is the point where I have proved enough to be trusted again?

However, I know that I complicated my chances by lying all these years about the A. I wish I had a time machine. I know that all the trust I built up, if any was ever really built up - I have my doubts, is gone.

I just feel that if the tables were reversed, that she told me that she had an A years before we were married, I would look at the facts that she did choose me after the A, she has stayed with me for all these years, and that it was in fact 10 years ago and those feelings are gone and life was different then. Of course I would be hurt and a little shaken but it would not be enough for ME to end our marriage. But everyone is different I guess.

I feel like it sounds like I'm trying to justify what I did. I am not. There is NO justification for what I did. I will be the first person to tell you so. I'm just struggling with the fact nothing in out marriage is worth enough to at least try to rebuild. Not to diminish my W's feelings but I have feelings too and it hurts.

I disagree with your comment on WS's not realising the pain caused until it happens to them. There are so many different people in the world that there are people that can realise pain caused by them. I would like to believe that I am one of those people. Of course there are those who do not have a clue of the pain they have cause someone and that is too bad for them and the recipient(s). I have sworn to myself not to ever wander again. I know to everyone else but me it is just words. However I can't think about what other people think because no matter what they think I KNOW. I have the advantage for my own sake that I know.

From what I've read, MB is based on both spouses willing to work at it. My W doesn't see a future for us and fears the idea of living the rest of her life with me. She wants our lives to be as separate as possible, except when it concerns our kids. She is already ready to start dating other men. She doesn't want to reconcile and that's that.

I know that I can change but b/c it takes two, I hope she can change too. I would really love to be a family again and fulfill her EN's. But I feel little hope for that due to the separation, I don't know how she is supposed to trust me again (except for a leap of faith on her part), and she wants to live a life without me (she's even ready to start dating after only 4 months of being apart).

I have little to no hope and I never wanted our life to turn out this way. It is not fair to her, me , or our kids.

You are missing the point my friend. You did rebuild all that trust, and I bet that she truly did believe you and that you had changed...which makes the fact that you really lied about what happened back then even more painful. My H withheld something fairly minor from me for 7 months of our recovery, when I found out the truth...it trumped all that he had done during those 7 months, b/c I found out that he was still a liar( at least about the affair). That is why I said a WS really never truly knows the pain they caused, they catch glimpses, they know and see pain, they can even sympathize with it...but until they have put their complete trust into someone and have it taken away without a single THOUGHT to them, they will never know what it feels like. Your heart has been ripped out, but when it all boils down to it...whose fault is it? That is the difference, IMHO, a BS has their heart ripped out and it is completely out of their hands...not so with a WS whose spouse leaves them or even cheats on them. It all boils back down to them.

You are right, this site does base it's principles on both parties changing. However, I guess I humbly disagree. I am not one of those BS who would have fought for my H if had still been deeply involved in the A, and I am definitely one who believes that the WS has already been selfish enough to last a lifetime...it is time for some MAJOR giving! You need to work on yourself regardless...if she never sees what you have done...then you can finally say, see, I did all I could to make up for it!!! There is a point where you should not take it...but 4 months seems a little short for that, especially after lies lasting 10 years!!!

I am sorry that you feel there is no hope. I know that had I separated from my H there probably would have been little hope for us to reconcile( they do say that is the toughest...which is why I think Pep said move back in)...I would have had to force myself to hate the man, and would have rewritten our whole lives together. Maybe this is what you feel from your wife. In order to work on a marriage you do need to be there. I do not know how to tell you to get there if your wife does not want you....but please try to find a way!

Also, I would not just believe her about the children thing...a hurt woman can be very vindictive. You need to get the facts about what YOUR rights are...you should have at least joint custody.

Also, if she is planning on dating right away, then she commits adultery in the eyes of the law as well...which would not be good for her for legal reasons, or for you for emotional reasons. I hope that she rethinks that for all involved.

You are right...it is not fair. And it certainly would be great if we all had time machines so that we could convince old selves that the choices we make effect so many more people than just ourselves. Just think how much you are thinking thisngs are unfair...what do you think your wife is thinking???

That is my whole point, I guess....SHE should ALWAYS come first in your thoughts from now on..unless you decide to stop fighting. Only then can you think of yourself.

True

truetoself:

I don't think I missed the point, I think I am trying to believe in anything else besides the point. It's hard to accept when you're wrong and the consequences. I hate the fact that I have wronged her, the woman who is supposed to be everything to me, not just 10 years ago but also with a lie. I know it is hard to show emotion through words but I am in pain for what I've caused her. And I know it doesn't amount to the pain she's living.

I know that the lie blew any credibility I had out of the water. I'm struggling with that. I know the predicament I put myself in. I guess I'm looking for some hope to get out of this predicament so that my W can trust me enough to start to rebuild. We are drafting a separation agreement, we are living separately, and she DOES NOT want to reconcile. I feel that she has sent a clear message that she doesn't want the marriage anymore. My fault.

I also realise that in her mind I could have cheated every day because of this lie from 10 years ago. The fact is that I have not. I know the old addage "Once a cheater, always a cheater", but in my case, and probably in alot of cases, it is just not true. I just don't know how I'm supposed to prove it if the facts of our everyday life aren't proof enough. I don't think it even matters if I can prove a thing because the lie was the last straw and my marriage is ruined. I don't want to give up but I don't have much to work with.

Where I'm from, once you separate, the courts don't care what you do afterwards. I think it falls along the same lines as a "no fault" divorce. Our religion however says that we are married until death (or annulment). She has told me that she has thought about just going out and bopping any other guy just to see what it would be like and to hurt me in the process. But she has also said that she would not know how to live with herself if she did that. I know how that feels.

With respect to getting in the house, she WILL move out if I move in. She has made that clear. I've asked and cried but to no avail. One argument she uses is that it would not be in the best interests of the kids if we continued to live together because they would see the arguments between us and that would be worse than living apart. To me this means that she doesn't want to work at our marriage. This is her choice. She has free will and can make any choice she wants. Just because I don't like it doesn't mean that I can change her mind.

I really think my marriage is over and I know it is all my fault. I don't know how to cope and live with the fact that I did ALL this. Friends and family try to help by saying that I have to get over what I did 10 years ago but I know what I've done and I don't think they understand.

I know what I've done and I'm sorry.

You are right, your friends and family do not understand. Mine don't either. See, I am on the opposite side..my family views me as weak and pathetic for staying. I sometimes think that as well, but usually not.

The bopping the other guy thing is common, and I fell into the trap of thinking it would be ok. I didn't, as I think that would make things worse, but sometimes part of me still thinks that if I "leveled the playing field" alot of the anger in me would go away. I think it is a common BS thing to think.

I really am sorry that you feel there is no hope. It does sound like she has made up her mind...I wish I could help you. You do sound like a very remorseful man. I used to believe once a cheater always a cheater, but I see the same remorse in my H. He has seen the pain that I feel and, like you, KNOWS, he will never do it again. I wish that I could offer some piee of advice that would win her back...maybe she does just need some time. For you and your family, I hope so.

Have you read Plan A and B? I think they are more for the BS but I know you can apply certain things to you as well.

Take care of yourself and your children. I know you love your wife...I can tell by your posts...but working on you is also top priority. It will not only help you with your relationship with your wife(even if you split), but it will help with all relationships.

Again, I wish you the best. I hope that just talking helps you some. Keep posting!


True

truetoself:

I have read Plan A & B. It seems like my W is following Plan B, however she is not doing it to put our marriage back on track.

From what I've read, I have accomplished Plan A ten years ago. Like I've posted before, I took a year off of university to get out of the OW's class. The only contact made after my W (then GF) found out was a phone call from me to tell the OW that my GF has found out and that the A was over. There was one other time of contact and that was when my GF wanted me to phyically confront the OW, with my GF there, and let the OW know that what she did was wrong and dispicable and how it had ruined so many lives. I don't know what my GF expected to accomplish but I don't think she got what she wanted out of the experience. Honestly, to be telling the OW all these things was like the pot calling the kettle black. However, my GF needed that and I did what she wanted.

I don't see the "Plans" helping me/us much. There is no addiction. My W does not want to rebuild the marriage. She has not met my ENs and my main EN was the problem with our relationship and her main dislike. In order for her to follow Plan A she would have to, IMO, do the very thing she hates.

I'm not sure if my postings are in the right category. Yes, it stems from infidelity but the problems seem more about dishonesty, trust, communication, not meeting ENs, and how to get back a marriage that ended because of a lie with only one party willing.

The actual A was 10 years ago but the truth about it is fresh. I just wish that the typical motivations to rebuild a marriage, like children, were enough for her to want to rebuild. It is so unsettling when I read that most separations, even those that are meant to be "time off", rarely end in reconciliation. Well, in her own words, she does not want to reconcile.

I don't feel like this is a typical WS situation either. Yes, I wandered when I was 19, before we were married or engaged, however we did have a 3 year relationship up to that point. I did not do the right thing and confess the whole truth about the A when, from what I read now, I should have. I can't change that. I stayed for my daughter and she stayed because she thought it was what God wanted. Even though we went to couple counselling we never really worked through our problems. She still has not let go or worked through feelings of our relationship from 11 years ago. For her sake, isn't there a point in her life when SHE was to "get over it"? By this I don't mean forget it, that is humanly impossible. I mean work through your feelings so that you have closure to your own feelings in order to move on.

Should I tell her about this site? Do you think it would help her/me/us?

Hi CM,

Well, I would tell her about this site, but prepared for her to turn her nose up at it to. I think BS go through a sort of fog too. We rewrite our whole history to try and justify the powerful feelings we are having towards our spouses.

As for her wanting to do those things she hated...well, some of the EN my H was getting met from his OW were very low priority to me. It was not that I hated them, it was just I did not think they were all that important. He thought I hated meeting those needs too...which is why he went into the arms of the OW. Sometimes though, it is very hard to give him those needs now b/c of what he did.

I know what you mean by the "get over it" statement...and yes, I think you are right. There is a time that the BS needs to just move past it. I am surprised that she stayed with you so long if she had not done that already. I think this has just reconfirmed any lingering feelings that she may have had. When my H told me of his A, it confirmed all the terrible things that I thought of myself and all my worst fears about him...and he had NEVER given me any reason to doubt. She is probably feeling more of this now.

However, if she was so quick to leave...maybe there was that thought already in her mind. Like I said, I wish I could help you. There are some other WS on this board, maybe they can offer you more advice. I did not check, have you gone over to the General Questions board? Your sitch does seem unique...but I am sure that you can get some better insight than from a BS who decided to stay...for a reason, I couldn't even tell you...I just did not get up and leave( it amazed both my H and me!!!).

Anyway, hang in there. BTW, I love your signature line. It speaks volumes...I feel that way a lot!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you true.

I will tell her about this site. She only has access to it during work since we never got internet access at home.

As much as this may seem selfish but I need help. I am so low right now about her decision to separate that I can barely function properly. I know you, true, you cannot answer this but why if I was the WS I am feeling so lost and betrayed? Is this right? I feel like I have no right to feel this way, but I do feel it. I cry all the time. Why isn't anything in our marriage/life enough for her?

I know I will get the same question in return - Why wasn't our marriage enough for me not tell the entire truth?

As much as I am wrong for what I've done, I have lived with my wife these past 10 years knowing that our love was conditional. She told me for so long that if there was more than what I told her then we'd be done. The condition was broken before she made it. It doesn't justify not telling her but it made so scared to tell her.

A couple weeks before I told her the truth, we were going to go to marriage counselling and she told me that she would do anything for our marriage. Maybe that was part of the reason why I had enough courage to tell her. I don't know. I guess "anything" did not really mean "anything".

I am so much pain right now I don't know what to do. My remorse is overwhelming. I feel like I can never be trusted again by any one and that I will just destroy any other relationship I could ever have because of my selfishness.

Thank you for your help. I think I might try to post somewhere else regarding my pain. This just isn't the right forum for it. I don't know, sometimes it is just too hard to post because I'm in such despair. I have no hope.

I need my wife so much.